


Goldust

by Caroaimezoe



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, Alternate Universe - Hollywood, Alternate Universe - Human, Ambition, Bipolar Disorder, Body Worship, Broadway, Cheating, Cuckolding, Depression, Double Life, Drug Use, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Lies, Light Masochism, Love Triangles, M/M, Obsession, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Racism, Post-World War II, Prostitution, Revenge, Rope Bondage, Stalking, Suicide Attempt, Turtlecest (TMNT), Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, Worship, couch promotion, how I call turtlecest without turtles and brothers?, not really turtlecest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2020-11-08 16:54:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 130,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20838863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caroaimezoe/pseuds/Caroaimezoe
Summary: WWII just ended and the world is living with the amazement to be still there and the hope of better days. Don is a playwright, composer, and Broadway theater director. He is also gay. He just fell in love and took as muse a gorgeous and secretive waiter who wants to be an actor. Thanks to Don, their two careers are reaching new heights but was it for the best?!!~~Winner in the TMNTAdult Fanfiction Competition 2019: Best Multichapter/WIP 2nd Place; ~~!!!!~~Winner in the TMNTAdult Fanfiction Competition 2019: Most Compelling AU 1st Place; ~~!!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> No beta, still not speaking English

Don put aside his chocolate cream pie and take a sip of his coffee to get rid of the too sweet taste. He wasn’t the kind of guy who was into desserts. If Don spent 0,30 cents on a pie, it was only to have the motive to stay longer. To work while eating was also postponing the moment he would have to leave the restaurant. In fact, composing a melody, thinking of the choreography and write a story at once in the cacophony of the clashing plates and drunken discussions was almost impossible. If he had really wanted to work, his room would have been a better pick, but the fact was that he preferred to get the visual and not the silence. Sardi's was the place the Broadway’s crowd was hanging out, before and after a play. From the caricatures pinned on the red walls to the cheerful ambiance, everything here was giving off success. Also, to meet famous faces here was a daily occurrence, but it wasn’t what was Don’s inspiration source. His real motive to eat six times a week at Sardi’s despite being short on money was HIM.

Leo, a mixed-blood Japanese, not yet twenty-years-old, aspiring actor and meanwhile, a waiter at Sardi's. And also the most gorgeous man he had ever seen.

His eyes flickered, watching at the waiter, bending over to pour some coffee refill to the table across his. Don couldn’t help but stare at the firm buttock in the tight black pant. If Leo bent a little more, the fabric would stretch to the point of tearing and Don felt a tingle in his palms. There were no underwear lines and Don licked his lips, fidgety on the leather bench unconsciously. The mental image of himself kneading this hard flesh and spread this ass bloom in his mind again. He chastised himself. There was no way Leo swing that way and Leo had already enough trouble with his identity in his daily life without being called a fag because a man lusted for him and risk lobotomy or jail.

They had met seven months ago, an unusually warm April's day. At first, Don had thought it was a Spring fever and his lust for the gorgeous mixed-blood would fade in a few weeks. But it hadn't been the case and since then, half Don’s allowance was spent at Sardi’s only to see Leo without the waiter seeming to be aware of it.

Don was always coming late, after the hour he would usually eat because Leo could talk only when they were fewer customers. Then, he stayed the last customer, until he get kicked out by the manager, trying to get to know the waiter while he was picking up the last plates.

Don could guess the manager wasn’t fooled by his reason to stay that late, but he never commented so far. After all, Don was paying for his food and well, he was working in the entertainment world that Sardi’s family was so fond of.

Besides, he never lends a hand on Leo neither made an indecent proposition to the young man. Donnie was okay living in this hopeless, unrequited attraction. He felt a thrill of victory only to catch a glimpse of Leo’s life when the young man talked to him.

The fact was outside his stunning look, Leo’s story had moved him. It had been long to earn the thrust of the waiter, but now Don knew many things. They only spoke about ten minutes a day, but since he was coming at Sardi's six times a week for months, he had managed to learn a lot. Leo’s father, a marine officer, had him with a Japanese geisha and found out about his existence when he came back six years later in the same town. The man had no desire to get in a relationship with this woman, but she had insisted that he brought the kid back with him. Leo’s father was already in his fifties and single. After a few months, he had accepted and asked his sister, single too, to raise the seven-year-old boy and had given him his own name, Leonard. The woman wasn’t really eager to raise this mixed-blood child, born out of marriage, but she decided it was a soul to save. Leo’s father had died without never really cared about him and Leo was still living with his aunt. They didn’t get along because Leo’s dream to be a Broadway performer was against her own beliefs. She had the ambition to made a lawyer from him since he had good grades, but Leo had decided to drop school, pretending it was to go to war when in fact, he enrolled in a drama club. Don knew little about geisha, but he supposed that Leo’s first years with his artist mother had made an impression on him.

So, Leo was out the most that he could from his aunt. He had a hectic daily routine indeed, with his drama, comedy, dance and sing classes. Since the aunt refused to pay for such’ perverted and pointless dreams,’ Leo was working six days a week at Sardi’s.

Japanese people had still a rough time despite the end of WWII three months ago. Leo could have an American name, it was apparent he was from an Asian mix. Many people were putting all Asian people in the same basket and racism had made it hard for Leo to find a job. Leo was grateful at the Sardi's owner for it, but the real opportunity that he waited was to get on the stage, but again it was easy to tell his mixed-breed identity would be an obstacle.

It wasn’t only that, Don thought. The young man has a great body and from what he had heard, a good voice. These qualities should have been enough for him to get a chance. Moreover, Leo’s face was handsome and his exotic beauty was incomparable. But there was something inside him, like a lingering darkness, which would make it difficult for him to be cast in a musical comedy. It was his onyx eyes, Don decided. It was impossible to know what Leo was thinking when he gave you this look, diving in your soul without giving anything back in return.

The eyes on a man who never know love. He wished he could be the man would change that. Was he too ambitious?

Don crossed his slender legs and reached for his cigarette pack in his jacket pocket. It was late, but he was almost done with his work. He lightened one of his cigarettes and dragged a deep puff, watching Leo taking an order while he was releasing the smoke in a shaky breath. The last time he had sex was seven months ago, with a male prostitute. Finding a willing and free partner was a pain. People were ready to take more risks for money. At Paris, three years ago, it had been more accessible, even in a zone occupied by Nazis to get sex partners. But since he was back in New York, he cursed the homo part of him who was so troublesome.

But since he has to meet Leo, it was like his dick had lost any interest for another ass. Maybe he should try to get some, he thought while rubbing his forehead. Leo wouldn’t mind, because Leo doesn’t care that much about him anyway and maybe Don would feel more at ease.

But not before having finished writing this play. Don was on it for two months, already, barely sleeping since he often woke-up at night to scribble something. It wasn’t by personal ambition. His last play was only ten months old. It was for Leo, for Don to see his black pearl-like eyes shine with something. Don had already settled the appointment with a producer for the next day. He had promised to him that this play would be a bigger success than his last one. “The Bohemian,” Don’s previous play had earned some pretty good critics in the New York Times. The one before, “The Lilac room” had also get good mentions. Don wasn’t famous yet. Damn, he was still young at twenty-six years old, but he had already enough a name to get producer’s thrust. This and also his father’s name, Donald Perkins Senior, a theatrical producer and composer too, when he was still alive. A so popular man than even three years after his death, he still has friends ready to give a hand to his son.

The play and the musical book were good, Don knew it. He trusted his playwright and composer skills. But what Don had to ask his father’s friend was bold. He knew the director had resigned and he wanted the place for him despite his young age and lack of any directing experience. But what he wanted the most was the get as the lead actor the one he wanted. If he didn’t offer Leo an opportunity to climb on the stage, the poor boy never would. Anyway, the role had been written for him and no other actor could fit.

“Do you want a refill of hot coffee, Mr. Perkins?” Leo asked politely, kicking Don out of his reverie where a very grateful Leo was rewarding his dedication.

“Oh yes, Leo, thank you.”

The waiter complied, leaning closer and Don turned away, tugging on his cigarette to not get caught staring, Of course, the producer would want to see Leo, this unknown actor before leading money on Don’s play. For that, Don has to tell Leo about the play. He also had to ask the young man to come with him at the appointment. Since it was Leo’s ultimate dream, the waiter was likely to accept, but there was a bummer.

Don was pretty shy and except for some horny Parisian guys had only deal with prostitutes when it’s come to attractive men.

“They’re still a lot of customers,” Don stammered nervously, biting on his cigarette. “You will be home late again, I’m afraid.”

“It’s alright,” Leo replied quietly. The waiter always had the same kind of answer, his mood always even, soothing Don like he was a peaceful stream. Only the way Leo poured coffee in a cup was beautiful, Don had noted. Well, he never watched when Leo poured in his own cup, but he had from afar. Again, the writer wondered if Leo had taken from his mother this natural grace in each of his moves. Even the way he moved was foreign, Don had decided and it was another thing standing out from him. All the other waiters were busy and loud. Leo was walking with the calm indifference of a swan in a lake, staying pure among the seagulls. But no one could tell Leo was arrogant or unprofessional. He was caring and polite with each customer, a kind smile on his lips, which never reached his eyes.

The guy lacked the expression actors needed to be successful, but with Don’s new play, even this statue-like demeanor would be appropriate. The whole play had been written with Leo on his mind to make his unique beauty shine. In this role, Leo would be like a jewel in its setting.

He had to tell him.

But Leo was already a few tables away, serving with the same cold professionalism other clients and Don cursed his shyness. He had no need to be, dammit. It wasn’t like Don wanted to ask him for a date, but it was like his heart would jump out of his chest each time the waiter comes near him and that this damn organ was so loud that Leo could hear it and see right through Don’s ploy. It wasn’t precisely a ploy. Don had honestly the intention to give Leo a real opportunity, but he knows deep inside him that if Leo wanted to express his gratefulness, he wouldn’t be opposed to it and that Leo would get it and be angered to have been targeted by the pervert Don was.

He crushed his cigarette in the ashtray. He needed to get over it and spill the beans already. He would when it would be done with the finale.

He scribbled on his paper for the next thirty minutes, forbidding himself to look at the too distracting waiter.

People were asking for their tab and he glanced at his watch. It was almost midnight and the restaurant was about to close and his work was done. It was now or never and he raised his hand to ask his tab.

Leo was busy at a table making paid a client. Don’s sharp eyes noticed the $5 banknote she waved in front of Leo. The waiter took the tips with a gracious smile and Don’s mood turned sour. This woman was at least forty-five years-old and she was coming at Sardi’s rather often. She should not flirt with a man who could be his son. But of course, Leo couldn’t refuse and besides, Don knew Leo needed the money to pay his classes and also save enough to leave his aunt’s place. But it was pissing him off that he couldn’t afford to give $5 banknote as a tip. If he did, he wouldn’t be able to come six times a week.

Leo handed him the bill of $1,40 but instead to pay with a $2 banknote and tell Leo to keep the change, as usual, he gave a $5.

While Leo was counting the money to give back, Don decided to stop being a coward.

“You can keep the change because I have a favor to ask you.”

Leo stopped, his black eyes studying Don carefully.

“As you know, I’m working as a playwright and composer. Tomorrow, I have an appointment to present the next play I had just finished…” he said, motioning to the pile of paper sheets.

Don stopped and hesitated about the wording to chose. It was ironic how he could write and compose and was struggling to speak a word to his crush.

“Congratulations.”

Leo was still patiently listening to him with no single clue about what Don really wanted to say.

“I wrote that with you in mind as the lead role,” Don finally exclaimed with his cheeks burning. “It’s called “DragonFly.” He felt like he was dying from shame and nervousness and guessed he didn’t look like a successful Broadway playwright and composer. “I will be thrilled if you can come with me to see the producer tomorrow.” Damn, he had finally said it, but now he felt that he needed some bourbon whiskey.

Leo didn’t show any surprise, keeping on his mask of the calm and collected waiter.

“It is the favor you want to ask me, Mr. Perkins?” Leo spoke in a soft voice and Don felt a pleasuring shiver. He hadn’t been turned down, yet.

“Yes,” he agreed with a nod. “I need you to look at it to know if it would please you. If not, it’s pointless you come with me,” he concluded with a deep blush.

“I’m sure it will,” Leo replied with the same kindness he always has. “I have still other clients, but if you want, I can ask the manager if you could stay after the closing. I’m sure it wouldn’t mind for one time.”

“Yes, thank you,” Don exclaimed and when Leo turned his back after a half-smile, Don wondered if he didn’t overdo it. Leo should have been the more delighted of them but Donnie had acted like a lovestruck. If he wasn’t more careful, the waiter would find him weird. “Can I have some bourbon? Give me two,” he said, handing him a $2.

He waited while chain-smoking and he tried to not finish his highball glass in two gulps out of nerves. The last customers had gone, but Leo needed to do some clean-up with the other staff. It was weird to be there when this vast place was empty from his clientele. The manager pulled out some boxes and tell the employee that tomorrow he needed someone to be there one hour earlier to help him to put some Christmas decorations. Indeed, there were already November 30. To put much weight to the managed declaration, the snow started to fall outside. It was the first Christmas for six years that they weren’t in a war, the manager continued and he wanted the place to be cheerful. Leo slowed down the mop.

“I can do it,” he proposed and Don saw the other waiters nudging and snicker. They should think Leo was brown-nosing, but Don knew better. Leo was only grateful and wanted to express it.

He waited for Leo patiently, until he was done and then, the cute waiter sat across him. How many times Don had daydreamed about this moment. He had even jerked off on it, but he needed to keep a cool head.

He first offered a cigarette to the young man. Leo’s had long, elegant fingers and only the way he took the cigarette made Don feel warm all over. He held out his lighter and his heart pounded as the beautiful head bent down to light his cigarette. Now he was hard and he fidgeted on the bench.

He pushed toward Leo the manuscript and Leo skimmed it, flipping through the pages, humming the songs, his face beaming with sweet happiness. He was so handsome, Don thought, drooling. Leo’s body was manly, since he was tall and with some muscle due to dance classes, but his face was delicate as a porcelain figurine. It was impossible the producer didn’t notice this utter perfection. It was even a shame for the public that Leo’s rare beauty could not be seen as close as in a movie theater screen.

“It’s pretty good,” Leo approved, when he was done, his eyes shining as Don had hoped. “I knew you were talented, but what about me? Maybe I don’t have what it takes to make your play shine as it deserves.”

Don shook his head and in his enthusiasm, he squeezed the hand of the youngest man.

“It’s impossible, because like I said, I thought about you the whole time I wrote this. This role is for you only and I prefer to burn it than see another person doing it!”

An unusual smirk stretched Leo’s gracious features. His skin was so smooth, Don noticed, taking details. He ever got before the opportunity to be so close for so long. Did he even shave, Don wondered. It was indeed true Asian men had only very few hairs.

“It’s that so? Well, it’s a date, then," Leo continued, unbothered by the close observation. "Which time is our appointment?”

Don struggled to keep a neutral face. He took a swing of his glass like it could hide his embarrassment. The word ‘date’ had made him lose his composure and he felt his face heat up again.

“2:00 pm, at the Majestic theater. You know? Just across the street.” Why he had added that? Of course, Leo knew where the Majestic was.

“Good, I’m free.”

Leo was waiting for something, still sitting across the table, but Don wasn’t unable to continue to speak. Damn, he was really enamored for the first time of his life.

“I have to go home, now,” Leo declared. He waited a moment and seeing Don wasn’t moving, he sighed softly. “Do you mind walking me home?”

Don’s psyche shattered like glass, hearing the proposition. Never he had thought deserving so much so quickly.

“Of course,” he accepted. “Let’s get your coat.”

Leo came back with a brown leather jacket and a $100 worth smile.

“Where are you living?” Don asked, wondering if they should take a cab.

“Just next to Union Square.”

It was more than a thirty minutes walk, but it wasn’t Don’s main concern. He was living in Greenwich village, very close to Leo’s place. Of course, he was living there since all the gay spots were there. But since Leo was living with his aunt, Don could guess Leo was even unaware of such pervert places were existing near him.

They walked outside, under the snow, chatting quietly. It was a lovely moment, almost perfect. It was only spoiled by the fact he had to hold back. Don repressed the desire to hold Leo by the waist. In his too-thin jacket, the beautiful waiter looked like freezing.

When they arrived, Don stayed a moment awkward. It reminds him of the first time he had a date with a girl. She was the daughter of one of his father’s friends and to tell he had felt like dying all the evening was an understatement. His lack of eagerness had been apparent. They had left without even a chaperon, something incredible before the war and even still today. Don could guess it was because he didn’t give off any predator vibes. The worst moment had been the goodbye where it was obvious the girl waited to get a peck on the cheek or something. He had felt like puking not because the girl wasn’t pretty but because he just had felt it wrong.

His father had proposed the Europe trip a few weeks later despite the rumors about war coming. Even his father had joked they must see it before some beautiful church, museum and palace would be destroyed. But Don had guessed they had left because his father hoped the trip would change him.

But Leo stared at him and Don came back at the reality of this November 30, 1945.

They were under a light pole and Don could see the snowflakes melt in the jet black hair.

“You should get in before you get sick,” he murmured. “You need to have a good voice tomorrow.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Leo smiled, his onyx eyes gleaming with amusement. “See you tomorrow.”

When Don stretched his hand to take Leo’s and gave it a shake, a hold, a squeeze, a kiss or anything, Leo was already climbing the stair to his door. He turned once, waved his hand and Don felt like as bewitched as the wolf in the Tex Avery cartoon “Red Hot Riding Hood.”

He walked to his place, less than ten minutes away and when he arrived in his apartment, he was still hot and horny despite the cold. He couldn’t wait to the next day.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

Donnie had spent a ridiculous amount of time to comb his brown hair. He had neatly groomed it into a single wave and polished with pomade to give it shine. Don wasn't looking bad at all when he was putting the effort. He had nothing from the rare exotic beauty from Leo, but he had a baby's face and an intellectual artist aura as people said. His past lover had told him he looked like a dreamy poet. Don guessed it was because of the eyeglasses. He was grateful for his poor eyesight to have spared him from military service, this and his father's fame, money and relation. But Don hated to wear them. He was more grateful for his so-called baby-face on a long, slender body. It made the prostitutes even more willing to accept his offer since he didn't look like a lunatic able to rip them in part.

He had put on his best suit and tie and had called himself an idiot many times, meanwhile. It wasn't for Leo, but for the producer. It was an important appointment and it was the reason he had to be groomed, he had tried to convince himself while putting on his hat before heading outside.

The snow from the night before had melted, letting puddle on the sidewalk and Don decided to take a cab to keep his shoes clean. If he got the director position, he would be able to afford a car. If he has a car, Leo would be even more likely to ask Don to drive him back home.

When he arrived at the theater, there were still almost two hours left before the appointment. Don had come earlier on purpose in the eventuality Mr.Wilson, the producer, was already available. If he could skim the book, music, and lyric before, the producer would be even more disposed to see Leo as the main actor. Don made a beeline to the office, behind the scene. The producer was probably there since he could hear music from the closed door. Don knocked twice, but Doris Day song was louder and he entered into the office. He didn't have to be shy. He knew Mr. Wilson, since forever. The man has given him toys and Don had sit on his lap.

Indeed, the producer was there, reading the newspaper, smoking a cigar, his two feet on the desk.

"It is not my little Donnie?" Mr. Wilson exclaimed with a grin when he lowered his newspapers. He glanced at the time. "Eager much?" he asked. "Are you so confident about your new play?"

"I am," Don replied. He disliked to be called Donnie and speak to like he was still a child, but he supposed it was part of the game when you ask a favor to a longtime friend from your deceased father. Being the director and get Leo hired worth to be treated like a spoiled brat. "I'm sure that if I can direct this play and get who I think about for the lead role, this would be the biggest success since Oklahoma and you will turn millionaire."

Mr. Wilson crushed his cigar in his ashtray, now all serious. The man still regretted not have put enough money on this musical.

"Show me that, son," he asked.

He looked through the book with attention and asked questions about how Don was envisioning the play and the money it would cost to make it. Don could see the approval in his father's face and it's boosted his confidence. Moreover, Don had come prepared with a pitch speech already and so, the producer was convinced when 2:00 o'clock rang. The sound made Don's inside twitch with excitement.

"This is the time of the appointment. Leo must be there. He is a very polite young man," he insisted.

His eagerness must have shown on his face since the other man had a slightly amused expression. He stood up and took Don by the shoulder while walking to the stage for Leo's audition.

"I'm very interested to see him. It's a quite deep and unique role you made. It's more tailored for a woman and even, not any woman. The son of Miss Butterfly playing Mata Hari during the second war..." he trailed off. "The actor must even wear a woman's kimono for half of an act. Not any man would be comfortable to do so."

Don could understand Wilson's wonder.

"Leo is perfect for this role since his mother was Japanese and also, a geisha…" Don explained and the producer stopped, worried.

"Are you telling me you want a half-Japs as a lead role?"

"Why not?" Don retorted, logical. "The character is half-Japanese. He stayed with his mother in his first years and should know how a genuine geisha move and look."

He could tell the producer was troubled. He didn't expect Don to go so far in the accuracy.

"We are just out of the war. The memory of our loss is still fresh. The spectators could have relatives who had died in the Pacific war. You didn't go to war, because you were the only son and support of your mother," the man retorted. "But my nephew did get killed in the Coral sea!"

"He was on the draft, but never get sent overseas. You can blame Hiro-Hito's decision on him," Don countered. He had no idea the man has a nephew who died in the war, but well, he should have seen this coming. It was indeed true that many were grieving husband, brother, son and relatives.

"I don't like this idea," the producer insisted. "Chose a white actor and we will put makeup on him.

Don shook his head.

"He don't look so much Japanese, he took more from his father. He was an American marine," he backpedaled. "From the seats, it would be so subtle nobody would know he is half-Japanese with the makeup and costume, but the final result would look better."

Don was now very annoyed. He didn't think Wilson could have so much reservation about Leo's origins. What if the man was unpleasant with Leo? Then, the gorgeous waiter who was so happy yesterday would turn disappointed and won't ever ask Don to walk or drive him home. "He is like a younger version from Gregory Peck," he concluded.

"No."

Don continued to argue a good five minutes about how Leo was a serious man and dedicated student, working so hard to pay for his classes. Don didn't say he never saw Leo dance, act or sing. He didn't need it because his guts told him Leo could. Don was so fervent in his speech that at the end of it, the producer seemed less worried and Don walked on the front to arrive the first. He had never seen Leo in something else than his waiter suit from Sardi's and he was sure Leo looked hot.

Indeed, he was and Don stopped on his track when Leo turned toward them, stunning in his navy blue suit, making his vanilla-hue skin stand out deliciously. The suit looked expensive, too much for a waiter, but Don's amazed mind stayed on the fact he looked great in it. Leo also had neatly groomed his hair too with a pomade like himself. On Don, it's seemed like he was a child playing pretend when Leo looked like frigging Clark Gable.  
Don slapped himself mentally and stammered a greeting.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Perkins," the waiter greeted back.

Leo's eyes shined as two black pearls and he smiled to Don so warmly that it made worth all the trouble he went through. To stop to look like he was drooling, Don turned toward the producer, gesturing toward Leo, spitting an introduction in a strangled voice.

"This is Leonard Hunter, the young man I told you about. The one I want to play Tonbo."

Leo shook the hand of the man with assurance and Don felt his heart dilated with pride. Leo was so handsome, there was no way the producer didn't fall for his natural charm. But Mr. Wilson looked rather dubious.

"Mr. Perkins told me about how you will be the best pick for this role," he said sternly. "Convince me he is right and play this part from Act 2. Mr.Perkins will read the other part."

The producer motioned to the stage, after having handed the manuscript to Leo. The young man took it and climbed on the scene with a calm step. Wilson sat and Don did the same, reaching his inside pocket to get a cigarette. He would finally get to see his crush play, dance and sing and he fidgeted in his seat anxiously.

Without any music, background or partner in front of him it was hard to play this part. Leo pulled off his blue jacket, unveiling a baby blue shirt with a slow gesture like his future wasn't on stake at the moment. With the spotlight and Leo thin shirt, Don could guess more Leo's built. He imagined the smooth, pale skin with no hair and wondered about the hue of pink of Leo's nipples. His mind pictured how he could find out about it, nibbling and sucking on the two buds.

A familiar heat raised in him. He had to prevent his mind from wandering in such dangerous territory when Mr. Wilson was next to him and Leo having a good view on his face.

"Start from the moment Tonbo accepts the Japanese officer's offer to spy on American," Wilson demanded.

Don started to read with a trembling voice the dialogue he wrote himself. It was one of the trickiest moment of the play with the finale. Leo had to change from a geisha to a soldier and so, change his voice and demeanor. What if Leo wasn't as great as he said? Leo didn't look nervous at all and Don tried to match Leo's confidence.

When he was done with his part, Don was relieved when he heard the deep and rich voice rising. Mesmerized, he could only stare, speechless. He did well to show the waiter the play the day before. It's allowed Leo to get the character on the spot. Leo's voice was just right and his face and posture were perfect.

In the scene, the character had to suggest to change clothes and to make it more evident, Leo started to unbutton his shirt and Don felt so hot, he touched his forehead to check if he wasn't sweating.

Leo didn't go further than four buttons, but it was enough for Don to put his hat on his lap. With a dance move, the shirt opened enough for Don to get a glimpse of the hard chest and the delicate bud of his left nipple.

Don nervously bit his cigarette, crossing and uncrossing his legs, uncomfortable because he was hard. Leo was far over his expectations and Don knew it was terrible. If he could have called the attraction he felt a 'silly crush' the day before, to see Leo beaming in the spotlight, singing this play he wrote, moving with so much erotism his supple body had turned it to something even more profound. It was a passion that would last and would be even harder to hide by now. He was truly and hopelessly in love.

He hoped it didn't show on his face and Leo couldn't guess it from the stage.

The scene was over and Don was still staring, lovestruck.

"Thank you, we will notify you of our decision," the producer said coldly. "We have other auditions to watch."

The tone and the words kicked Don out of his daydream in two seconds flat. What that's mean? How Mr. Wilson wasn't impressed by Leo's flawless performance?

Leo didn't look surprised by the dull tone and climbed down, his face smooth and unbothered while he picked up his jacket.

"Thanks for the opportunity," he said respectfully before leaving for work and Don felt a hollow in his chest, watching Leo's back disappearing.

At the same moment, he turned his wrath against the producer. He knew this man since forever and so, didn't mind to blow a fuse.

"What was that? Is he perfect, did he?" Don asked, incensed. "Why are we playing hard to get?"

"I don't like him."

The answer came flatly and Don gaped, not having foreseen such a brutal response.

"Why?" he wanted to know, astonished. How people could not be stunned by Leo? "It is because he is half Japanese?" he wondered. "But the damn war is over!" he yelled.

"It's not for that," the producer replied, his voice clipped. "I don't like him.'

"But he sang perfectly and have the face and body for the role!" Don exclaimed, distraught. "His performance was perfect! Where did you see a flaw?"

Mr. Wilson shook his head.

"This young man sings well and he has a handsome appearance. I can admit he could have been a good pick, but...he has no soul at all. His way to play a traitor came to him too effortlessly."

Don stared, not understanding. What was that? Why the producer, only interested in success and money, was wary about something as metaphorical as a soul?

"You don't like him because he played with natural," Don repeated, still in shock. That wasn't making any sense.

"He did well, but with no passion," the producer corrected. "I think this man should do modeling. They ask more and more men for that. You should talk him into that. I know someone who works for Reliance Manufactury company's ads."

Wilson was proposing the model job like it was already too good for Leo and Don felt his eyes twitch despite how he tried to stay composed.

"You don't want him," Don repeated in disbelief. Leo had been beyond his expectations and the producer didn't want him for such an unfounded reason? "Because in a ten-minute audition, you decided he has no soul."

"I'm sorry, Donnie," the producer said with an apologetic grin. "I do believe your play is outstanding, but this guy isn't suited for a musical. It would be better with another actor. I already have some idea of actors I could see playing Togon."

Don was still mute. His mind was racing. If Leo had been bad, he could have accepted the producer's decision, but it hadn't been the case. Leo had played Togon flawlessly. It was making no sense at all.

"You should find yourself a girl," Wilson suggested carefully. "A nice young woman who will take care of you."

Don clenched his fists, very pale when he heard the suggestion.  
So it was the reason and Don felt raising in him a wave of anger he never felt. Wilson was a longtime friend from his father and he must be aware of Don's sexual interest lean toward men. If he had enough respect for Don's deceased father to treat him kindly, he was disgusted by the idea of feeding Don's visible passion object.

"He has nothing to do with it," Don said, gritting his teeth and he crushed his cigarette on the arm of the seat. "My private matter has nothing to do with my play or my actor choice. Besides, he isn't like that," he added. "Leo is normal. You can't blame him for my own perversion."

"I don't like him, "Wilson repeated."He is bad news. Besides, I don't think he is normal like you said. You don't take so much care about your appearance and your way to walk if you aren't a fairy."

This stupid, pointless stubbornness did it more than the 'fairy' insult. Don was always kind, polite and patient. This is also what he liked in Leo; this soft pleasantness. How Wilson couldn't see that? But he was done hearing such bullshit, he stood up, brushing his suit like he regretted to have put it on to sit in front of this man.

"Hollywood is filled with men taking good care of their appearance! Are you telling me they are all gays?" Don bellowed. "Are you really using his beauty and the fact he had groomed himself for this appointment against him?" Don was shaking with anger, losing it. His shout was echoing through the empty theater. But being mad and yelling wasn't like him and so, he turned cold.

"I will take my leave, then and propose my play to another producer.'

Wilson opened his eyes widely.

"You will dare to do that? I'm a family friend of thirty years!"

"Professional people don't play favorites. If you don't want Leo as the lead actor, I will find someone who will," Don stated spitefully.

The man was taken aback, gasping. The producer hadn't expected Don could be so firm on his actor choice.

"Be reasonable! I'm sure we can find someone else who does the job!" he shouted, seeing Don was leaving. "Besides, other producers would tell you the same. This man isn't suited to be an actor even if he is good looking! You must have something else than a cute face and a good voice to be a Broadway star. If you were not lusting for him, you would agree with me," he concluded angrily.

Don turned livid. It wasn't only because Leo was half-Japanese. It was because the producer had seen through him. Like his father had dragged Don in Europe to 'cure' him, his father's friend hoped to make obstruction by forcing Don to chose another actor. How now he would explain that to Leo? What if the waiter bought this expensive suit to give him a good impression? If Don didn't find a way to get Leo the role, he would not dare to go to Sardi's ever again.

"It could be true I find Leo alluring, so much that he inspired me this play," he replied icily. "But he did nothing for that. Anyway, it's not your business anymore. I would find a producer who doesn't know me and who would not be put off by my sexual preference." He had now reached the door. "I prefer to burn my work than to see another actor in this role. Without Leo, this play is meaningless to me."

Don wasn't even bluffing. He was determined to get a last-minute appointment with another producer before dinner time. He won't return at Sardi's with empty hands.

"Your father was my dearest friend. The last time we talked, he told me how he was worried about you!" the producer exclaimed, like the last attempt to reason him." Not about your…preference," he added like he was choking on the word. "But about how too kind you were. This is not about you drooling on this half-Japs ass. It's not about him being a Japs, either," he insisted. "This guy would give you a heartache. I just try to spare you to get hurt."

Don had a sad smirk. He wasn't convinced of the producer denial but he knew he would end with a heartache, indeed. Leo wouldn't return his feelings and Don would never encourage him to do. It was too much of a burden to be attracted to men. Don has to hide it daily and lie about why he wasn't married yet at least thrice a week. It was too much of despair to have to pay to get off, without any hope to one day being in a romantic relationship. Eventually, Leo would find himself a fiance and Don knew it.

"I don't mind getting hurt if it's by him, "Don replied softly. "I know he doesn't mean it. I know for years now that I won't ever be happy."

Wilson looked about to pull all his hair.

"Fine!" he yielded. "I don't do it for you!" he quickly added, seeing Don's grin. "I do it for your father and your mother! This poor woman has only you! If you don't get the role for your...friend, I'm afraid you will jump in the river."

Wilson was exaggerating but Don didn't mistake him. He walked his way back, beaming.

"Whatever you didn't like in him he could correct it. He is a hard worker!" he exclaimed.

The producer stood, obviously pissed to have let Don win.

"Let's go to the office to do the papers."

Don followed him earnestly. They signed the contract and without any fuse, Don get the same salary as the previous director and a share from the benefits. The first thing which popped into his mind about this new $640 weekly income was that he could buy a Packard to drive Leo home.

Don also fought to have Leo's contract negotiated, and he managed to get Leo paid $15 more weekly than that the lead actor from his previous play, another much more experimented actor. Don mused that Leo wouldn't need tips from middle-aged women anymore, and even if it was childish, he couldn't help but feel a twisted satisfaction from that.

After that and other discussions about the play, he left, feeling more victorious than if he won the Olympic Games. It was already past six and he regretted it was too late for him to buy a car, but he couldn't wait anyway. Just across the street, the green neon sign spelling Sardi's name was beckoning him. Leo's contract under the arm in a folder, Don walked to the restaurant like he was bringing back the Nazis capitulation to the President.

Inside, the restaurant was full and when he removed his hat, Don realized it was snowing outside. He had been so caught up in his thought that he had not realized it. He glanced around him while waiting he got a seat. Garlands were hanging from the ceilings and around the caricatures. He swore to himself that one day, Leo would have his own caricature on the wall.

The manager greeted him carelessly. Don supposed either the manager was exasperated by his stalking or that Leo had told him about the humiliation he went through.

"Tonight, I want your best Champagne," Don exclaimed, waving the folder in his hands. "I got promoted director from the Majestic and my play had been accepted! The rehearsal would start next week!" He spotted Leo at a table and his heart missed a beat. He couldn't wait to see the happiness blooming on the beautiful face of the waiter. "I have some good news for one of your staff members, too."

With now more respect, Don was given a table and handed a menu by the manager himself. He was now so used to eat after 8:00 that he wasn't hungry. But he decided to order two different appetizers, before the main course to stay longer and have Leo at his table more often.

When Leo came to his table, the document was placed in a way his eyes would land on it.

"Good evening, Mr. Perkins," Leo said in his usual voice. "What would you like today?"

"I will take a tomato juice to begin, followed by the broccoli bisque." Don felt like he was about to burst. He wanted so badly to break up the new but have no idea which would be the best way to do it. "Then the grilled sirloin steak with the mashed potatoes. I will add a salad of lettuce and sliced tomatoes with the french dressing as side dishes. With the main course, I will have a glass of red wine...I will take the strawberries shortcake as dessert and a pot of coffee." Don was now shaking with nerves. Why he was able to tell Leo? Why he was ordering such an amount of food when excitement was twisting his stomach anyway? "And to finish, I will take a Champagne bottle to drink it with you if your boss agrees," he blurted out.

Leo had scribbled down all of Don's order without any expression, but this time, he paused his pencil.

"What for?" Leo asked in a soft voice.

"I got you the lead role," Don replied, with a trembling voice. "Here your contract. There only your signature missing." He monitored Leo's face to catch any change in the expression. Like he had hoped, a smile stretched his perfect features. "I'm now the new director. We are starting to rehearse at the moment all the roles are given. I thought we should celebrate your first role."

"I will ask my manager about that," Leo murmured, his eyes gleaming with a quiet fire. "Since I was there earlier today, I don't think there will have issues if there not too many customers."

Don nodded nervously. He had managed by saying it. It wasn't a date, but the idea to have Leo sitting at the same table, drinking the Champagne he paid made him feel over the moon.

Don ate very slowly his whole dinner, glancing around to see if the clients were leaving. He asked a second glass of red wine to calm down. Each time Leo stopped at his table, Don felt butterflies in his stomach. When he got his Champagne bottle in an ice bucket, he was surprised to be served by another waiter. He understood why a moment later. Leo was standing next to the table in his navy suit.

Don's eyes landed on the left pocket, remembering the vision he got earlier from Leo's naked chest and his mouth grew dry with desire.

Leo was waiting politely to be invited to sit and Don motioned him to do so, not trusting his own voice.

Elegantly, Leo sat down, slinging his hand to take the folder.

"Can I ?" he asked.

Don nodded profusely.

"Please, he choked out. "Do so."

Leo opened the folder and read the contract carefully.

"What are the rehearsal hours?" he asked.

"From nine o'clock to six." The realization he would be all this time with Leo hit him full face. "Five days a week, until we are ready."

"Oh, I would be able to still help here for dinner," Leo said and Don was surprised. He had thought Leo would drop Sardi's. But maybe the young man was too grateful to let Sardi's down with such short notice. "Have you a pen?"

Don reached his pocket to pull off a pen and his cigarettes.

Leo took the pen and Don watched him sign the document with a pounding heart.

"You fought for me so diligently," Leo murmured. "I regret to not have been able to see it."

How Leo knew, Don wondered, but he refused to think again about the epic argument he went through. Leo's voice was velvety and he was so close, Don could feel his body's heat.

Leo said something about being too young to drink, but the manager would turn a blind eye for the occasion.

They raised their glass for a cheer and Don blabbed about the play, meddling some praises about the waiter's performance.

"You were even better than I hoped. You don't need any classes anymore."

Leo was turning his Champagne glasses in his finger, smiling dreamily.

"I'm glad since with my new schedule, I won't be able to attend them. Thankfully, I only have to cross the street to come to work. Can I finish twenty minutes before the others to have the time to change? I will be able to do the 6:00 to midnight shift. I don't think the boss would mind if I'm not here at five anymore."

"There no problem at all," Don replied. The fact that at the end of the week, Leo would work a hundred minutes less than the other didn't bother him. Leo has a good reason.

"Thanks for being so understanding and of course, thanks to having thought of me for your play."

Leo put his hand delicately on his and Don jumped on his cigarette pack, his cheeks burning.

"Do you want one?" he asked in a strangled voice.

"No, thank you. I don't smoke more than once or twice a week and I will try to stop to spare my voice."

"Do you mind if I smoke?" Don asked. If it was bothering Leo, he was ready to stop this habit.

"Go ahead, I don't mind," Leo replied kindly. He sipped his Champagne and Don realized that the bottle was empty and besides Leo's single glass, Don had drunk all of it.

The manager handed Don the tab and the new director try to control his face in front of the two number bill. He has to let a tip too and stiffly, he gave the manager three $10 banknote, the only money he had in his wallet.

"Thanks for your patronage. I bet we will see you often, now that you are working across the street."

Don made a slight nod. The patron was giving him an excuse to come back and Don was grateful for it. Now that he would work with him, besides, to come to eat here, he would grow closer to Leo. Even if he was blissful about it, the rational part in him knew he would make it even more difficult for him to hide his attraction.

"I think it's time for us to leave," Leo said and Don's heart missed a beast to the 'us.' "Are you heading home, too?"

"Yeah, it had been a long day," Don agreed and he stood up. Leo offered again they walk together and despite being drunk, he didn't mind not having the money for a cab. The fresh air would do him some good and besides, his time with Leo would last longer.

Outside, the snow fell with more force and Don handed his hat to Leo, who had any. Leo accepted it gratefully and they walked side by side a few blocks. Don kept his hand in his coat pocket the whole walk. Leo had any gloves, either and Don had given him his. He mused over the fact that he was treating Leo like a girl on a date but that the other man didn't fight him about it. Maybe Leo was just that polite or it had taken the habit of being treated like a precious doll from his childhood in Japan.

They were now in front of Leo's place, a late last-century building in red brick who must have a great view on the slave actor market sixty years ago. He had to take his leave, but he fidgeted in front of Leo, not knowing what to say. They were at the end of the stairs and Leo had already a foot on the first stair.

"We need you for the audition, Monday," Don said finally. "See you there."

Leo removed Don's hat slowly and Don raised his hand to take it, but instead of giving him the hat, Leo used the hat to hide them and he pressed his lips on Don's.

Don's mind turned blank while he clenched his fists nervously, not knowing what to do with his hands. Leo's lips were cold but soft and when he opened it to poke his tongue outside, Don felt a shock who ran through his all body. At the moment his libido kicked him and summon him to wake up and cup Leo's ass because they were kissing and he was acting like a dumbass, a harsh female voice barked to them.

"Leo, is that you? What are you doing?"

"The old hag," Leo muttered, breaking the kiss. The tone was uncharacteristic of Leo's usual sweet one, but Don was agreed with him. The old aunt had spoiled the mood and Leo put the hat on Don's head.

"See you Monday," Leo threw above his shoulder before climbing the stair in a hurry, having probably not understood the 'why' 'what' that Don had squeaked still in shock. But the door slammed without him realizing what had just occurred fully. Don looked at the bulge in his pants in a stupor. Leo had kissed him, but why? Does Wilson was right and Leo was gay? Does Leo had heard his conversation with the producer or did he just get the hint weeks ago about Don lusting for him and I kissed him out of pity or gratefulness?

He looked at the lightened windows from the third stories, like he hoped an answer. Maybe if he crosses the street and watches from the park he could see Leo's silhouette. The aunt looked very unpleased and he couldn't but be worried about him. Don walked away slowly toward the park. His cock was aching and his mind filled with questions. They had kissed but what that's mean? Don preferred to not get too excited about it. There no way Leo was attracted to an average guy like him when he was so gorgeous

Indeed, from the park, Don could see Leo. He must be in his room, because he was removing his jacket and shirt and instinctively, Don's hand slid in his pants to reach for his cock. He pulled it out and gave it a stroke. He was barely conscious about how bad it was to masturbate in a park while spying on a naked man, but he could help it. He hides with his hat, after having sniff the odor of it. It was still smelling Leo's hair pomade and he bit the back of his hand while he was getting closer to climax, his eyes glued on Leo's window, recalling the sensation of Leo's tongue brushing his.

He came hard and his knees almost gave out. He left a streak of cum on the tree and leaned on it two minutes, the time afterglow fade away. When he came back to his senses, he hated himself, calling himself a pervert. Maybe he should pay a visit to Tony's and find a sex partner for a one-night stand to clear up his mind? It would be for the next time, he decided, tucking his cock into his pants. He was broke and besides, he wanted to find out what this kiss was about before. Don walked home full of wonder.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can see Leo pic on chapter one by Fullen.
> 
> Some expressions in the story are from the 40's. ( Squirrel fever, wack, etc)I tried to be accurate despite not being from the time, neither American.

The day had been stifling. Sunday was the only day Leo didn’t work and so Don would see him even less, to ask him what the kiss meant. He had fallen asleep toward six a.m., his mind too much in turmoil, buzzing with questions. He had woken up later than usual, his sleep plagued with erotic dreams featuring the waiter form Sardi’s. The whole day, he had tried to not think back on the kiss and focus on work. He had to choose the parts the auditioners would have to play for the main characters. He sketched what he wanted the decorations and costumes to look like. Leo, either in civilian, soldier or geisha would be stunning. 

All of this kept his mind busy for about three hours only. Don bit his pen, frustrated. Even pent up and unable to concentrate, he had still managed to get over this too quickly. His parents had always introduced him to their friends as a genius. Well, Donnie was one, probably. He did write the play, the lyrics, compose the music and have all the choreography recorded in his mind in only a few weeks when it would have taken a year for others. In two months would be the premiere and if all happened as he wanted, nine months after his first meeting with Leo, he would have made of the drooly waiter a rising star on Broadway. It was exhilarating, this Pygmalion-like feeling, even more about the man he was so obsessed with.

But now, he had nothing to fill his mind, to keep it busy and not wander on forbidden territory. 

Don ran his hand over his face. Since he woke up, the only thing he had put in his mouth was black coffee and cigarettes. The fact was he was shaking with nerves, unable to eat despite starving. He still felt the kiss linger on his lips and his mind replayed in slow motion how Leo had pulled off his hat and leaned to kiss him, opening his lips as sweetly as a cherry tree flower. The kiss had barely lasted twenty damn seconds and Don had been too dazed to react the first nineteen. If Leo’s aunt hadn’t shown up at the moment, Don would probably have made a move. He had been close enough to cup the firm ass that haunted his dreams and to deepen the kiss to get to know Leo’s flavor. 

And again the same question kept tormenting him, the one which gave him a sleepless night. What did Leo mean by this kiss? Don could be a dreamer as his family and friends called him, but he was certain Leo wasn’t attracted to him. It would be too easy and easy happiness never happened to him. Moreover, Leo shouldn’t be attracted to him, because he deserved so much more than him. It wasn’t only because Leo was beautiful while he was a plain-looking guy. Don was a pervert and tainting Leo wasn’t on Don’s agenda. If he needed to blow off some steam, there were people for that.

Don stood up and walked to his drawers where he kept his money. Nowadays, banks weren't that reliable and so he preferred to have it close by. He counted the bank notes hidden between the pages of his Bible. The pages were glued together to make look like it was normal but with a blade, Don had cut out the middle of it to hide his cash. It was the perfect decoy. It was normal to have his Bible in his nightstand drawer. Don had no regret to have destroyed the Holy book. He knew enough to know that he would end up in Hell anyway as a sodomite. 

Thankfully, it was the beginning of the month and he could collect the rent. The building was in his family since the end of the 1870s, when it had been built. Since it was getting old, there were many repairs to do, but most of it had been done when his father was alive, ten years ago, and so one of Don's biggest problems was the people unable to pay the rent. Now that the war was over, it would become easier, leaving the main trouble being the fact he lived in the same building as his mother. They were the owners from five buildings, across Manhattan. Don had chosen this one to be closer to the gay scene and at his dismay, his mother had followed. 

This was why he lived in such a cramped apartment despite being this four-story building’s owner. Living on the highest floor, a full-floor apartment, with his mother, was impossible even if he had his own room there. It wasn't because his mother was unpleasant like Leo's aunt seemed to be but in Don's situation, he couldn't do otherwise. As a physically healthy man, he had some urges. But his sexual preference for the same sex was something he had to hide, even if he was damn sure his mother knew about it already. Even going to a hotel was complicated. There were some places he could go, but like any illegal activity, it was controlled by the mob. Don didn't mind his forced ties with the Mafia that much. If he could get off sometimes, it was thanks to Tony's hideout. But he didn't want too many people aware of what happened in his bedroom and besides, Don preferred to use his own materials and tools.

This was why he has his own bachelor pad, even if it meant less money in his pocket. His intimacy had no price.

If everybody would pay his rent, maybe Don could get his Packard before Friday. He could have gotten one before. He didn't, out of stinginess, trying to save the most he could while eating at a pricey place like Sardi's. He needed to be sure to never need to ask his mother for a loan. But now with the director's job and another good musical to come, Don's future was assured enough to get a car and give Leo good tips until the time he dropped his waiter job.

Don counted his money, putting aside $5 per day for his meal at Sardi's until Friday, when he would get his first paycheck, and $5 for his cigarettes. He put aside $40 to face anything unexpected and counted what he had left. 

$20 was enough to have a not too bad evening at Tony's. 75 cents for the entrance fees, 15 cents to get his coat hung in the cloakroom and then around $5 in alcohol for himself and whatever dark-haired male bottom whore. To get the prostitute to come to his place and have his way with him would cost around $10. Some were more pricey than others, asking so much as $15, but Don was determined to not be picky. If they were compliant about Don's kink, it was enough for him to be satisfied.

His mind returned to Leo and he pictured the waiter’s disappointed face if he knew "Mr.Perkins’s" tendencies. Don tried to cheer himself up. If Leo had kissed him, it must be because he wasn’t disgusted by the male to male contact, but Don knew it didn’t mean that Leo would push further one day either. It was only a kiss because Leo was weak for alcohol and enthusiastic because of the role, he had told himself one hundred times already. Besides, if the young man remembered it, he probably regretted it with every fiber of his body.

Anyway, being gay was only the tip of the iceberg with Don’s sex issues. Even if he wasn’t violent or into anything disgusting or painful, he knew he had a wack reputation among the prostitutes. He opened his wardrobe and brushed the ropes gently. He was always careful to not tie them too tight, just enough to keep them from moving. They usually had rope marks for a few hours and then they faded away. He had no idea why he was turned on by ropes. In fact, he wasn’t, really. It was like he was too nervous, not knowing what to do with his hands, nor how to welcome rented caresses. Don also knew it was useless to fall in love with a prostitute, and he was afraid he would if he let them touch him, since he was so romantic. It was already bad that he fell for Leo. He didn’t need to become enamored of someone pretending to love him for his money. Of course, it was Don’s own diagnosis explaining his sexual behavior. He couldn’t go to any psychiatrist to try to have an answer about his need to tie up his sexual partners in rope. He preferred to limit physical contact to hide his awkwardness and to protect his own heart. He was content with thrusting into their willing bodies.

Thrusting into Leo’s body was a prohibited fantasy. He didn’t have to go as far as penetration when he daydreamed about the hot waiter. Usually, just the idea of stroking and kissing Leo’s exotic, naked body was enough for Don to blow his load. What he felt for Leo was more like a squirrel fever, a romantic urge beyond sexual attraction. He felt guilty enough about jerking off over him, the pure soul. Don felt it was disrespectful for Leo, who already had plenty of difficulties without a pervert lusting for him. 

Leo was too perfect to be tainted. If he had been generous and kind enough to kiss him, out of gratefulness and because he was tipsy, Don couldn’t ask for more without being greedy. Wanting more would lead him straight to the heartache the producer, Wilson, had predicted. It was more comfortable and cautious to believe Leo overdid it while expressing his joy because of his single glass of Champagne.

But the real question was how he would act around Leo the next days. Should he pretend nothing had happened? It was probably the safest option but Don wondered how he would manage to do it when he was already struggling to act calm and composed when Leo was around. When Leo had poured some wine in his glass, he had gotten hard, and that was before the kiss.

He looked at the bills still folded in his hand and the rope in the wardrobe. The evidence hit him again. He needed more than to burst a nut alone. He needed to get laid. With empty balls, his mind would be more at ease and he would be able to focus on what should be his main concern: the play.

It was around 5:00, and as every Sunday, Don had to climb to the fourth floor to have dinner with his mother. It was impossible for him to evade it. Every now and then, Don had lunch with his mother, so it wasn't like he never saw her. But she complained big time about how lunch was quick and Don always in a hurry. She had whined a few times in front of him about how she regretted having no daughter who would have cared for her. Don knew his mother loved him. She didn't regret him, just the fact he was her only child. But it still made him feel guilty even more thinking she would never get grandchildren either. He could be a so-called genius, but that was something he couldn’t succeed at. 

The least he could do was to eat dinner with her and the big silent elephant in the room: his attraction for men. He took a shower and trimmed his groin hair like each time he intended to have sex before putting on a casual shirt and pants with a sport coat. He was now eager to get some after months of celibacy. Leo could be more alluring than anyone, but Don couldn’t have him, so it was either to lead a monk’s life, adoring his muse from afar, or to have moneyed sex. The whores wouldn’t hurt his relationship with Leo since Don was a Sardi’s customer and play director for the young man and only that. He should have returned to Tony's sooner. Getting laid would give him the boost of confidence he needed to look into Leo’s eyes.

But for now, he had to bear with his mother’s disappointment.

***

The sex had been all right, not more than that. He had got off and, well, what he could expect without more of a tryst? The following two minutes, he had felt great, but in the afterglow lingered his regret to not have been with a real loved one and it had spoiled his mood. He had untied his partner and gave him $12 and despite his satisfied body, he was feeling more lonely than the day before. Would this be his life, for his remaining time? he had thought, sending off the man, while lightening a last cigarette before going to sleep. At least he had slept well. When he woke up, he still has some flashes of memory of black-diamond eyes gazing at him, that haunted his dreams, and he had woken up steel-hard like he hadn’t cum seven hours ago. 

It was around 8:00 and Don was almost late. He couldn’t afford to look neglected in front of Leo, nor late, and he struggled to not be either. Don had many flaws, but he was always impeccability dressed, punctual and pleased to call himself a professional. The rush allowed him to not let his mind wander to Leo too much and it was only when the cab turned onto 44th that his nerves snapped. 

He hadn’t decided on a strategy, yet and he would face Leo in five minutes. He tried to calm down while throwing his cash to the driver. Leo was only an actor he gave a chance to. He might find him more than alluring, but it wasn’t a reason to lose his mind over him. If he did, Don would likely be unprofessional to Leo, who was so serious.

He would pretend nothing happened; yeah, that’s right. He would act like a director analyzing auditions and nothing more. If Leo wanted to explain himself about the kiss, he would be more than welcome to do, but Don wouldn’t pursue it.

His subordinate had done his job well and a long line was waiting already when he got out of the cab. The duty waiting for him put the matter of Leo on the back seat again. If his play wasn’t a success, all he did until now would be meaningless, he told himself ,walking by them to attend the audition.

He didn’t even reach his seat when he felt a tug on his sport coat. 

“Mr. Perkins! Sorry to be late!” Leo exclaimed. “My aunt…”

Don smiled, stirred. Such a good boy, he thought. Even if his aunt treated Leo like shit, he still had some consideration for her, when Don wasn’t even eager to eat with his own mother.

But suddenly his focus narrowed down and he stared a full ten second atLeo’s lips. Those lips had kissed him, he remembered. 

“It doesn't matter,” the new director exclaimed. “I only need you once the part for Tonbo is present.”

He had sounded professional indeed and he decided to focus solely on the stage, ignoring Leo. It wasn’t badly intended and Don hoped Leo felt it. Many actors were there to play the Marine Corporal, the second-best role, and he immediately spotted one. The guy looked like the image Don had for marines. His voice and acting were just a little over average, but his physique was great and often, that was worth even more than talent. He and Leo were doing a great duet and with all that Don had in store for both of them, it was already an incoming success. 

Leo played his part flawlessly and Don fidgeted on his seat each time. New York would be crazy about Leo, soon.

Mr. Wilson wasn’t there, probably disgusted with Don, and so he had to choose the cast alone. He didn’t mind. Except for Leo, he was able to be rational and he was already writing down his choices when lunch time came. 

“Just stay close by!” Don shouted to the candidates. “I will make my decision known after lunch. Then we will be able to rehearse the first act. See you all in one hour from now.”

Leo jumped down from the stage gracefully and Don started to glance around him, everywhere except to Leo, feeling hotter by seconds. 

“Do you have some time?” Leo asked in his soft voice. A voice as soft as the brush from Leo's tongue to his. 

“For what?” Don wondered in a much more clipped voice than intended. He stood up and snatched the notes he had taken while the audition, avoiding the gaze of the young actor. 

“I wanted to talk to you…”

Leo seemed slightly hurt and Don cursed himself, now much more upset than the waiter.

"I'm sorry for my rudeness, Leo. To choose the cast is a heavy responsibility and I went to bed late…"

It was a poor idea to remind himself of his late night. Scattered images flooded his mind and despite himself, Leo's image superimposed itself over the one of his last night’s sex partner. The vision of Leo panting underneath him took him off his guard and he stayed speechless, drowning in his daydream. 

Mistaking his silence, Leo took on a dejected expression and after an apology, turned his back and, in full panic to have hurt his beloved, Don grabbed Leo's sleeve.

"Let's have lunch somewhere," he stammered. But how much it sounded like a date made him tenfold nervous. "Or we can talk in my office."

Leo nodded.

"The office, then. It's work related, anyway."

Don hoped his disappointment didn't show on his face. It was normal that Leo meant to talk about work, he reasoned. This was the only relationship they had. 

Leo stopped to pour himself some tap water to drink. The poor boy was declaiming for hours already and Don, like a brute, didn’t think to offer him something to drink. He was obviously thirsty because he filled his glass again and Don, mesmerized, looked at Leo’s Adam’s apple moving while he gulped the water. He chased away any obscene thoughts and maybe more harsh than necessary, Don said he would wait for him in his office.

“I’m coming,” Leo said eagerly and Don’s knees almost gave out. 

They walked to the director’s office, that meant Don's office. It was a dark room, with a eggplant-purple tapestry and carpet. The window was narrow and looking out on an alley and a wall of another building. Don hadn't settled into his office yet. There was a desk, a chair, and a bookshelf. A restroom with a sink was behind a side door. After turning on the light, Don made a beeline to sit behind the desk as if the old mahogany furniture was a shield. 

The desk needed a good dusting and Don felt self-conscious about it. There was nothing on it except a desk pad and a frame with the picture of a blond woman Don supposed was the former director’s wife or lover. The only thing he knew about this man was that he was struggling in a divorce and had left New York’s stressful lifestyle to heal his wounds.

“Your girlfriend?” Leo asked inquisitively, turning the frame to stare at the picture. He put his glass down on the desk and studied the picture. 

“No!” Don’s denial had been sharp and flustered he realized that indeed, Leo had no idea of who was really. Donald Perkins. Of course Leo would think Don was engaged. How to explain he wasn’t and would never be? “I’m single,” he continued more quietly. “I’m too busy writing and planning plays and musicals to be in a romantic relationship.”

It made sense and Don hoped he had fooled Leo. He put down his notes and pen and opened a drawer to see if there was any ashtray. There was one in copper and Don put it loudly on the table before reaching for his pack.

“Is that so?” Leo put back the frame and leaned over the desk, now very close.

“What do you want to talk about?” he muttered, the cigarette between his lips. He needed to get over it quickly. The proximity and the sensation of being watched so closely was making him uneasy, sweating bullets. Leo wasn’t any closer than when he poured Donnie some wine, he tried to reason. But it wasn’t the same and his stupid dick knew it. To be alone in a locked space with Leo was a exquisite and painful agony. He was torn between wanting to run away and make a move. 

He tried to ignite his lighter but his trembling hand was useless. Leo reached it, cupping Don’s hand into his before gently pulling the lighter from Donnie’s hands.

“May I?” Leo asked reaching the now lit lighter toward Don’s cigarette. “I saw my mother do the same back in Japan.”

Don couldn't avoid it and he only slightly moved his head forward until the fire, held gracefully by Leo, reached the cigarette, lighting it. Don inhaled deeply, taking it all, the smoke and Leo’s exotic sweetness. 

Thankfully, Leo couldn’t see the bulge in his pants, hidden by the wooden desk. 

“Are you angry with me?” Leo wondered. He braced on each of his arms and Don felt cornered. Without his waiter outfit Leo gave off different vibes, more dangerous ones. If Leo could drop his obsequious manners, Don wasn’t forced to hold back as he was at Sardi’s, watched by Leo’s manager. In this theater, Don was Leo’s boss, but at the moment, it was like it was the other way around. “I feel you differently today,” Leo stated.

Of course Leo had seen through Donnie and felt his nervousness. But he got all wrong the impressions from it. How Don could be mad at such a nice and beautiful person?

“I’m not!” Don denied. “Like I told you, I’m only busy and tired. I’m sorry to have made you believe I could be angry with you. Why would I, anyway?” He took a long drag on his cigarette, and released the smoke in circle, trying to look unbothered, despite his hand still aching to have been touched. Even now the cigarette seemed to burn deliciously on his tongue. “You did very well today and have been a precious help for me.”

Don was proud to have be able to explain himself, reassure Leo, even praise him and also sidetrack the conversation in a few sentences.

“I thought you were angry at me, because I kissed you,” Leo continued and thought Don might have been a heavy smoker since he was fifteen, he choked on the smoke and got into a coughing fit.

“Here! Drink some water!” Leo had gotten around the desk to pat Don’s back and he handed him his glass.

Don grabbed the glass and drank the water greedily. He couldn’t believe what Leo had bluntly said. He was sure that either Leo would have forgotten about it or, ashamed, would shut up about it. 

“Are you alright, Mr. Perkins? Do you want me to bring you back some more water? Perhaps you should smoke less.”

He couldn’t believe the actor was actually right behind him, patting his back. Being on the bottom side had never been one of Donnie’s fantasies but Leo was at arm’s reach. Don could turn around, grab Leo, push him down and plow into him on the desk. With Leo, he could get his motor running without rope and he could even do him front to front. What would Leo look like when he was pleasured? What was his erotic face? Despite himself, Don pictured the pale face flushed, the mouth gaping in a silent scream and the black eyes wet from pleasure’s tears. The image was so vivid that he swigged the glass again even if there wasn’t any more water left. 

“I’m fine,” Don managed to reply in a strangled voice, despite his sore throat. He crushed the cigarette in the ashtray. Shaking with nerves, he opened another drawer, hoping to see there a forgotten Bourbon bottle. There was none, and Don slammed it shut. He couldn’t run away from the matter forever. If he tried any more to dodge the matter, he would look like an even bigger coward. Anyway, if he didn’t want to agonize over the question another night he needed to know. “Why did you do it?” he blurted out.

“So I was right, and this is what’s troubled you all day?” Leo said and he took a step back. To Don’s stupor, Leo bowed. “I offer you my sincere apologies. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“What did you mean, then?” Don snapped back anxiously.

Leo glanced away, like he was shameful.

“You made me so happy. You offered me a role and had faith in me when nobody would. My joy and the Champagne helping it, I couldn’t help myself! I’m deeply sorry,” he repeated.

So Don was right and it was gratefulness and alcohol. He had called it and should not feel bitter. 

“I’m not sure if I’m allowed to give you this title, but I consider you as a friend now. This is why I became more affectionate that I should have.” Don was tickled at the word ‘friend.’ How naïve and sweet Leo was made him more precious to Don and also made him felt like a worse bastard. The pure Leo had no idea that ulterior motives and hopeless lust were driving Don. “I won’t do it again,” Leo promised. “If you forgive me.”

Don felt like he was sitting on hot coals. What he was supposed to reply to this? To beg Leo to kiss him again? 

“It this what you wanted to discuss with me?” Don demanded to know, his voice thick. “This isn’t work-related.” 

“I’m sorry, I was so worried you were mad at me, I couldn’t help myself but to ask beforehand. I don’t have many friends and so, I really don’t want to lose you…” Leo trailed off. Don fidgeted in his seat, struggling to keep a composed face. That Leo could be concerned about losing Don’s affection made his heart race so fast, he was about to blow a vessel. The sarcastic part of him sneered mentally that Leo didn’t have to be worried and that he would be his creepy stalker forever. “But I was curious about who you wanted to choose as my co-stars.”

The 180 to reality and work matters left Don stunned a moment. 

“Maybe I’m too nosy,” Leo carefully added. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

Don saw no harm in Leo’s question even if it was surprising. In fact, he was even eager to answer. The cast wasn’t a personal matter. 

When he was done enumerating the ones he had chosen, the thoughtful expression of his main actor troubled him.

“What wrong?”

“You chose well,” Leo replied slowly. “The actor you suggest as the corporal was great... I’m even afraid I look bad next to him, actually,”Leo chuckled. But the laugh sounded like shattered glass and Don stared worriedly at Leo. “The play might wear the name of my character, but the real star would be him. Of course, since he is all that I’m not. Bright and colorful, blond with a healthy complexion and so muscular. I’m so thin and dark, in comparison. I would be in his shadow for sure.”

His mind running, Don pondered on what Leo just said. Don could be an idiot led by his dick when Leo was around, he got the drift. Leo looked unpleased with the choice, worried his co-star would steal the show. But Don was sure he was right in his choice and he had promised himself he wouldn’t let his stupid feelings interfere with the play.

“You underestimate yourself, Leo,” he tried. “You may be different, but I think it would make you stand out more.” He mused over if he would let his secret out if he praised Leo’s appearance too much. He stayed prudent. “I could find dozen of guys like him, but you are unique."

Leo didn't look convinced and nervously Don reached for another cigarette. He lit it quickly before Leo could. If the actor got too close, Don's control would snap. 

"In my situation, it’ll be hard to win against the wariness of the public." 

Don took a drag on his cigarette. There were rumors about Japanese American families still locked in camps and Don knew they were looked at as sub-humans by many. But that was the purpose of this play. To heal Leo’s wounds by showing the public a Japanese man could love and suffer as every human does. 

“I wrote this play to educate people by entertaining them. You are the whole point of the play, the epicenter. They will love you, or hate this show. If they hate it, they can rot in Hell for all I care,” Don muttered.

“Of course, you are a young master, like they said in Japan,” Leo replied softly, his gaze lowered with modesty. “If they hate it or you, you don’t mind, but I’m the mixed-blood bastard from a prostitute from a country people still look at as an enemy.” 

“Geisha are not prostitutes,” Don corrected. "You explained it to me yourself," he added gesturing with his cigarette. Each time Leo was too close, his hands tingled. “Why are you putting down yourself, Leo?”

The actor didn’t reply, but he raised his chin and locked eyes with the director. 

“Forget about it. I was being moody. This whole situation is so unexpected and exciting, it must be my weird way of coping.” Leo’s tone was cold and polite, the one he used with Sardi’s customers. “You are probably right and I’m worried for nothing. I bet this blond actor could become a very good friend of mine,” he jeered.

Don grinned back with a strained smile and stood up. He felt restless and needed to move. He started pacing. Leo had kissed him because he had been happy and tipsy and because Don was a friend. What if Leo was happy and tipsy with another friend? There was quite a few homosexuals among the Broadway male actors and Leo was handsome enough to be hit on, half-Japanese or not. Horny guys didn’t care about the color of the flesh if it meant they could breach it. Leo was right, the blond guy was talented and flashy. If it turned out that Leo swung that way, eventually the other guy was a far better pick than Don himself. 

Don had never been jealous. Well, he had never cared for someone before, but he recognized the feeling right away. Jealousy bit him hard and off-guard when he pictured Leo kissing another man. Don was able to withdraw from a woman, to give Leo a normal life and a better future, but to have Leo snatched from under his nose by some random bulky guy awakened something ugly in him.

“There was another one, as good as singing and acting but more plain-looking. What about him?” Don asked his voice clipped. 

“If it’s the one I think about, he was pretty good,” Leo smiled. “The one with the curly chestnut hair. His voice was actually better but sometimes people are too focused on appearance to notice flaws.”

“Indeed, some people are dumb,” Don agreed, but with clenched teeth. In five minutes flat, he had yielded to Leo, who didn’t even have to try hard to make him change his mind. Angry at himself, he crushed his cigarette. It wasn’t that bad, he tried to comfort himself. The other guy was good too, like Leo had pointed out, but good-looking actors were a sure bet for a play and his artistic side told him the contrast between Leo’s honey skin and dark hair would have been better.

“If I hadn’t promised to not kiss you anymore, I would do it,” Leo murmured shyly. “You are such an attentive friend and a great director.” 

“I don’t mind kisses,” Don mumbled, caught between his physical need and the fear Leo discovered what Don, this so-called attentive friend and great director, was.

Leo lowered his gaze again with a virginal blush and Don lost it. It was already a testimony he had bear with, staying so long and alone with Leo without touching him.

He tilted Leo’s head back with a grip on his slick black hair without giving a damn if it would give away their activities in his office. He shoved his tongue without asking, in a hurry to give Leo his taste of smoke, ashes and hopeless love. Leo tasted sweet, he decided, deepening the kiss, now making out without any restraint on his office’s wall, swallowing Leo’s moans. His hand ran down the body pressed against his, touching it all over and he seized the ass that haunted his dreams for seven months straight with passion. The fact he was hard was obvious but Don didn’t care, all barriers down. He rubbed himself on Leo, wanting to make him feel his heat and convey his desires.

It was an understatement to say it was a cold shower when Leo protested.

“Mr. Perkins, please! I’m not like that!”

It was enough to kick Don back to reality and he took a huge step back. Damn it, he realized. It had made an epic mistake and now Leo would leave and slam the door.

“I’m sorry,” the new director stammered. “I guess happiness made me lose it a little, as you did, and I went overboard.” He chucked but even at his own ear its sounded like bullshit. “Please forget about it!”he begged.

“I’m not easy like that,” Leo stated, his voice ice-cold. His eyes burned holes into him taking a dive into Don’s soul. “I could not care for gender, as you, as well as race, but I do care about courtship.”

Don just stared, speechless before stammering,

“Come again?”

“I would not be left in the dust by some horny American, greedy to get a taste from an exotic body, like my mother was,” Leo insisted. “If you want more of me, more than being friends, you have to prove it!”

Don could understand Leo’s worries but he was still too shocked that Leo wasn’t troubled about being groped by a man, if he had been courted before. It was so much better than any expectation that he could only stare and gasp. Indeed, he had acted like a mindless animal. For him, the sexual tension had been building up for seven months, but Leo didn’t feel the same. What was Leo feeling anyway? He couldn’t read anything in the onyx-colored eyes.“

Besides, I’m not ready,” Leo added and the timid expression undid Donnie more than any seductive look. Leo was so cute and pure, a raw diamond worthy of much more than his sinner’s hands. Was Leo not ready about what Don was thinking? That Leo could envisage giving Don his virgin, alluring body blew his mind. But if he was willing, Don was of course ready to give the waiter all the time in the world and treat him better than any maiden if Leo felt like one. “Let’s talk about it another time. I’m going to have lunch and tell the brown-haired actor you chose him,” Leo finally said while Don was still struggling with the revelation. 

Before Don could speak, Leo was gone, leaving him with his mind full of dreams and hope.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No beta. Not English speaker.

Finally, it was Friday. To get his car, Don had decided the rehearsal would end thirty minutes sooner than usual. It was roughly the time Leo was already leaving anyway. For once, the cast wasn’t muttering against what looked like a favored treatment. Nevertheless, they wouldn’t dare, not anymore. The day before, Don had gone into a fit of anger when he had heard the female second-role bitching about Leo’s leaving. Don had waited to be sure Leo had left for him to didn’t see how ugly and frightening Don could be when he was mad. Don had only a blurred memory of what he had said, exactly, but the girl had cried. He didn’t mind the tears; it was serving his purpose to scare them enough for them to shut up. To make them shut up was necessary because they were right. Leo had a favored treatment, but they had nothing to say since Leo was radiant as Tongon and was working hard. Don could tell Leo was taking his role seriously. By Wednesday, Leo knew entirely the act one and about the half of act two. But still, Don was aware Leo wasn’t liked, despite his talent and all his efforts. It was pissing him off, but he could nail why the others couldn’t see Leo as he did.

It wasn’t because Leo was leaving earlier, only. Don could have pretended it was cut from his paycheck, even if it was a lie. The cast couldn’t check if it was the truth. It was a business between Don and the theater accountant, that’s mean Don and Don. To be sure nobody could see Leo, a rookie actor, was paid more for fewer hours, Don had decided he would manage alone the Majestic finances, too. It was a salary he didn’t have to pay for someone else. Anyway, now that the play was written, he had nothing to do outside of his office. Each day, after the cast left, Don worked around two hours in his office, before to cross the street to eat at Sardi’s. He still finished doing some paperwork there to have an excuse to stay late by looking busy.

To stay late had been pointless in the last days. The Monday and the following days, Leo had turned down Don’s offer to walk him home. The playwright had been pretty upset and had struggled hard to hide it. It must have been because he had crossed boundaries with the beautiful waiter. Indeed, even if the memory he had from the warm body he had bent against the wall and the soft lips had given fuel to his mental spank bank, Don regretted deeply the too bold move. Since then, he had jerked off to the point to turn his flesh raw, like he wasn't horny enough, already, and now, Don felt tenfold awkward around Leo, walking on eggshells each time he spoke to him.

Leo wasn't avoiding him and he treated his director and client as politely as usual. But Don felt in his guts something was off. It was like he had lost the points he had managed to earn and had been returned to case one. Don couldn’t blame Leo to be cautious around him. Of course, the pure young man was shocked and disgusted about Don forcing himself on him. Perhaps Leo hadn't realized yet how a creep Don was. If Leo had blatantly slapped him, Don would not have told him off for it. But Leo didn’t quite react the way Don could have expected, making the playwright even more confused.

Leo had said he wanted to be courted and Don doesn’t know how to do that. His romantic life had been almost inexistent, so far. His parents had tried to match him with their friend’s daughters. He had accepted a date, once, out of curiosity. Then, he had been dragged in Europe, at the summer’s end of 1939. Behind his father’s pretense, he had known his parents hoped that maybe French girls, looser than American’s would please him more. But what his father hadn’t foreseen is that the men would be more freewheeling too.

In the first months, he had stayed quiet, too busy to visit the city and feverishly studying to appreciate more the historical beauty around him. In November 1940, he had started to attend Sorbonne university literacy classes diligently. But at the moment he had turned 21, it had been another story, even if he was still a dedicated student. The forced Military service had ended one year after their arrival. Men were now having free time and a thirst to forget about the occupation by physical pleasure. The German had preferer to turn a blind eye on homosexual activities. It was the perfect opportunity to finally get to know who he was really and to satisfie his urges he had repressed for years. In Montmartre, Don had known many anonymous trysts in the two more years the stay lasted. More openly, he had hung out with the artistic gay elite circle from Paris and the most famous figures like Cocteau.

It was at one of this evening that he had met what could be called the closed he had from a lover, a masochist nazi officer. They had met in a rented room and lost themselves into dark fantasies for almost a year before Don’s father found out about it. Donald Senior had hoped his son was enamored with some lewd female dancer from the Moulin Rouge. When his father had turned suspicious, he had hired a gumshoe to tail his son. Of course, his father had been devasted. Donald Senior would have preferred tenfold any depraved woman. It was a commonplace sin. 

They had an argument, but Don hadn’t protested that much about breaking up with Fritz, neither returning back to New York. Don wasn’t in love with the German officer, but he also had been pretty clear about being attracted to men was his true nature and there was nothing his father could do to change it. He had died from a stroke the same day they had landed in New York. It was like his father had waited to be home to die. Don still felt guilty quite a bit, hence his effort with his mother and the fact that he hadn’t been sent to war. He was his mother's only support. Back in New York, after the mourning period required by decency, it had taken him some time to get the pulse of the city and know about the secret gay hideouts. Since then, he had only some one-night partner. It was making a dramatic family story but still didn’t give him any experience in the love field.

How he was supposed to court Leo was beyond him.

Of course, he had seen many movies and read books and so, he had believed that walking his crush home was an excellent way to express his interest without being rude or overly daring. But each time, Leo had found good reasons to refuse. It was either his manager asked him to help or his aunt. Don had withdrawn his offer, each time with a discreet desolate grin.

Leo had said he wasn't ready and Don could respect it. But what was he supposed to do? What could he do to put Leo into the right mood?

Leo had his private dressing, the leading role from a play, written for him, and thanks to him, a better income than he could have expected. Each time Don spoke to Leo was with more respect than he could have for the King. So, if Leo refused to be walked home, Don was at lost, even if he had no choice but to respect Leo’s decision.

But he would have lied if he didn’t admit he hoped the Packard would help to change Leo’s mind in these winter’s nights. The Packard was brand new. Well, during the war, they didn’t make a new model, so the car was looking the same at the model from five years ago and called it a 1946’s. Don didn’t mind. It was only steel sheets, but steel sheets with a heater and a motor, and he hoped it was enough for Leo to think twice before refusing. To make his car more distinctive, he had chosen to take the burgundy one instead of a bland black. It reminds him of the red wine Leo poured him at Sardi’s and it was enough of a reason.

It was past 8:00 pm when he stepped in Sardi’s. He removed his hat and glanced around until he spots the reason for his presence. Leo was busy at a table and when he passed-by, the waiter only cast him a quick acknowledging grin. Well, Don wasn’t even positive Leo had smiled. For the first time, he thought that Leo’s waiter job was a hindrance. He could get Leo had good tips, but with his actor income, Leo could be able to focus solely on his role and not work six-day a week at Sardi’s. If he weren’t working at Sardi’s, Leo would have more free time and less reason to refuse Don’s lifts.

Gloomily, he sat at his usual place and opened the account book to finish with his job.

“Good evening, Mr. Perkins,” Leo greeted as they didn’t have any relationship outside from Sardi’s. “May I take your order for the evening?” Instinct made him want to answer that Leo’s ass would be the most exquisite meal, but Don’s clenched and unclenched his fist, a gesture which had always calmed him.

“I will take a tomato juice and the meatloaf with the green beans and the mashed potatoes,” Don said, without even looking at the menu. There was no need. He knew it by heart. “Coffee and coconut cream pie.”

Leo wrote down it all, but peeked over his notepad with a hint of worry.

“Are you angry, Mr. Perkins?” he asked with a low voice. The handsome waiter’s face expressed deep concern and it was unusual for him to show any emotion at work. Don wasn’t sure if what he felt could be called anger. It was mostly a frustrating confusion. But he didn't want Leo to be worried; it wasn't his fault, even if Don would prefer to get less mixed-signal from him. 

“I got my car,” Don blurted out. “Would you give me the pleasure to drive you home after your shift?”

It hadn’t sounded like a request, but more like an order. Don almost clasped his hand over his mouth in front of a frowning Leo. He didn’t mean to sound so harsh. Well, he didn't mean to ask so early and bluntly, period. He had thought to offer the ride after the dessert when there would have fewer clients and Leo more available, but now it was too late. The waiter had heard his proposal done in his rush hour and Donnie couldn’t take it back even if he were slapping himself mentally.

“I will be right back with your order,” Leo replied in the same neutral tone he always used, before turning his back to a soul-crushed Don. He didn't mistake Leo's answer. It was a polite refusal. What was wrong with him lately, the playwright cursed, running a nervous hand into his dark hair. For seven months, Don had been able to keep a professional front with the waiter and now, it had been twice in a few days that he had lost his composure. He had been too blunt and too rushed and now, Leo would think Don aimed at his ass since day one. Why he had lost his cool when he had been so close to winning Leo’s consideration and friendship? It has been his first motive.

Don rubbed his forehead, not even daring to look up when he heard the waiter’s step bringing him his tomato juice. What if Leo found him harassing and decided to leave the play? They had started the rehearse only a few days ago and if it happens it wouldn’t be too much money waste as a delay. But Don wouldn’t be able to continue to direct the play, without Leo. He wondered if he could continue to live, period. He could have thought the producer Wilson was exaggerating when he had said he was afraid Don jumps into the river, but since then, the playwright had kissed Leo twice. He couldn’t bear to lose Leo’s respect and by the same time, having to make Leo lost his only chance to shine on Broadway because of his own rude behavior.

At the next table, someone had forgotten the newspaper and Don grabbed it to keep busy his mind. Today, December 7, was the fourth-anniversary of Pearl-Harbor’s bombing by Japanese, a still fresh and upsetting memory for many Americans. Leo must have it hard today and he regretted even more how he had been brutal with the beautiful waiter. The other break new was about missing Flight 19 near Florida. Don almost wished he was the pilot and had crashed in the Bermuda Triangle instead of lieutenant Charles Taylor. He won’t be there suffering from unrequited love for a younger man and going so low that he had bought a car for the sole purpose to impress him and it wasn’t even working.

He drank the tomato juice in one gulp like it was cyanide and hoped to die on the spot. He put it down more loudly than intended and sighed. Of course, Leo would be afraid of him. The young man was clever and must have seen the dark streak Don wore through him. Well, everyone respectable does and this is why he had few ‘normal’ friends. What was he doing there for seven months straight? Stalking Leo. Who in a healthy state of mind eats 150 times in less than eight months at the same table when New York had many better or more affordable restaurants? Then, he had forced himself on Leo in his office. No wonder Leo backed away now. Leo must have blurted out the courtship thing as a way to appease a mad man. But if Don had lost it, it was because of the first kiss, he reflected. But Leo’s innocent soul never meant more than a grateful kiss. Leo had said it himself, he was happy and tipsy and, Don mused, had left Japan at seven-years-old. Leo had been old enough to take habit from there and perhaps kisses in Japan were given with less restraint. It could have been cultural and Don reproached himself to not have studied about Japanese customs. Leo could be American now, childhood was the critical period for the character built.

Anyway, he didn’t and it was useless to do it now because he would stop his chase. He was acting like a nutcase and it was all but a turn-on, he supposed. If Leo was professional enough to continue his role, it was enough. Don would now look at him only like a director would and from now, he won’t stop at Sardi’s ever. When the play would be over, he would cease to involve himself with Leo. The playwright wanted to be a ladder to success for the young man and not a hindrance.

Don stood up and raised his hand to ask for the tab before he changes his mind. Leo was back to him, but another waiter tapped Leo’s shoulder. Leo turned his head and when he get what Don wanted, he made a beeline to his table.

“The meatloaf is about to be ready,” Leo apologized. “Do you want a glass of wine while waiting? It’s on the house.”

Leo looked very desolate and Don gave him a sour grin. How oblivious Leo could be to think Don could be hungry for food.

“I changed my mind, I’m not hungry,” Don declared, trying to sound firm despite his pounding heart. He needed to let go of Leo. It wasn’t healthy, neither for Leo, neither for him. “I think I overate of Sardi’s menu lately.”

Even if not a feature of his face moved, Leo seemed to have paled.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the waiter said slowly, like he tried to understand Don's motives. The playwright thought bitterly that Leo would probably be relieved to not have Don watching him anymore. The idea made his chest throb. “Do you want the tab?”

“Yes, please,” Don mumbled coldly. 

Leo stayed in front of him like he hadn’t heard what Don had just said. The playwright repeated himself, but in an even more choked voice. To let go of Leo was hard enough. Don felt like he was divorcing his muse and all reason to be alive. To be inspired, he needed beauty and out of Leo’s, the whole city looked like a dark and dirty gray hole. It was like Don’s daily life had been recorded in black and white and Leo had been the only colored character.

Leo glanced at him through his long eye-lashes, casting on him an embarrassed gaze out of character and Don sat down or, rather, dropped into his chair. Leo wasn't a busy waiter in a rush-hour anymore, but a splendid, exotic and fragile creature, too precious and out of place in so a crowded restaurant filled by middle-class commoners. Right now, Don could grab a pen and write a damn long poem about these eyes on a napkin. 

“I guess that’s mean you won’t drive me home tonight?” Leo asked shyly, with a hint of disappointment. “Such a pity, I was looking forward to it.”

Don’s brain went into every direction, blowing like wet fuses in front of Leo's sad demeanor. He stammered something he didn’t even remember, but the next thing Don knew, when the playwright went back into reality, was that he had a meatloaf plate in front of him and a red wine glass.

****

“I’m sorry to have made you wait, Mr.Perkins,” Leo said, smiling, joining Don at the door. Leo was wearing again a very light coat and a deep desire to protect the young man seized Don.

“Please, call me Donnie,” the playwright asked softly, even if it was a nickname he always hated. From Leo’s lips, it was taking another more pleasant flavor. He struggled mentally about if he would put his hand around Leo’s shoulder or waist, but decided against it. Don had been afraid enough to have scared Leo by being too daring. He won’t make the same error twice. He only brushed with his hand Leo’s back, while opening the door in an invitation to pass first, but with the other hand, he clenched more strongly the handle of the suitcase to be sure to hold back.

Outside, it was raining and Don put his hat. The snow of the week before had already melted in puddles. Don opened his umbrella and passed it to the smaller man.

“The car is parked nearby, don’t worry,” he explained to Leo. The temptation to take Leo’s arm was great. The young man was very close, in his attempt to share the umbrella, despite the six inches taller Don was. “Watch your step,” he murmured lovingly. “There puddles everywhere.”

When they got to the car, Don opened the passenger’s door for Leo. The young man climbed inside, stroking the beige broadcloth from the seat.

In a hurry to see maybe admiration shine in the onyx eyes he loved so much, Don hurried to sit too. To be honest, Leo wasn’t the only reason for his haste. Earlier, he had forgotten his cigarettes in the car.

He ignited the car while pulling out a cigarette, to lit it in the cat-eye gold lighter.

“Your aunt will be happy; you won’t be home late, today,” Don said. “Do you want to listen to some music?”

Leo nodded, ogling him discreetly.

“Are you comfortable? You are very tall, Mr. Perkins.”

Indeed, Don’s neck was bent forward, but it wasn’t the playwright’s main concern.

“About my height, they don’t do car neither anything for 6’5 tall men specifically. I'm used to it by now.” He turned his head, smiling fondly at his passenger. “I told you to call me Don or Donnie,” he insisted, but in a caring voice. “Mr. Perkins was my father,” Don tried to joke.  
  
“Don...” Leo whispered softly. “I’m afraid that if I call you by your name, I may cross the boundaries at work with a slip of the tongue. The other cast members call you Mr.Perkins or Director.”

Don took a long drag on his cigarette, only one hand on the chrome steering wheel. Leo was right, but Don knew that even with that, nobody was fooled. It wasn’t Leo’s fault, he decided. It must be him. His intense stare on Leo must have been noticed and the poor boy has to pay for his own lack of restraint.

“Alright,” Don yielded. He turned on the radio and a sweet romance melody filled the car. Yes, the vehicle was definitively better than a walk, Don thought, feeling the atmosphere switch. The only downside was that there wasn’t that much traffic at this hour and they would be at Leo’s too soon.

“Another version of ‘It’s been a long, long time,” Leo sneered.

“This one is by Bing Crosby,” Don replied. “Don’t you like the slow melodies? It’s still better than Chickery Chick! Tell me about your taste.”

“I love ‘Rum and Coca-cola’ by the Andrew sisters. I have the vinyl. There is more swing in it,” Leo replied and Don nodded enthusiastically. Leo was young. It was normal he preferred more rhythmic songs. It was too bad that he couldn’t change the song as he wished. But getting to know more about Leo, to see his more private side was exhilarating. Don felt a thirst to know more about him. He had daydreamed about this exact moment for days and I practiced his speech in front of the mirror in the case he was lucky enough to get a willing Leo in his car.

“Do you have any plan for this weekend?” Don asked, trying to sound casual but he guessed Leo could see his shaky fingers holding the cigarette.

“Well, by now I guess you know my schedule,” Leo replied and Don pondered a moment about the meaning. Was it that Leo had noticed his stalking and was growing annoyed? But of course, Leo had seen through him, and he ran his hand across his face at the red light. Don’s impure intention must be visible from the Empire State Building by a blind man. If Leo had doubts, they had gone with what had occurred between them in his office. “I’m working tomorrow and Sunday it’s the chores day for me. I accompanied my aunt to the church and I help her with cleaning at home.”

Leo was a sweet boy, indeed, but Don sometimes hoped his beloved would be a little less sweet.

“I won’t dare to ask you to skip the church,” the playwright continued quietly. It wasn’t because he was a believer. The last time he entered a church was in France to take a picture. “But I guess you can ask to be off from cleaning duty once, right?”

“I don’t think so,” Leo replied and the body of the young man turned all stiff. “She is unlikely to say yes. She is a...very strict.”

Don frowned. Leo has two jobs now. Sunday was his only day off. His aunt could let him live for god sake. But he tried to attack the other front.

“Why are you not dropping Sardi’s, then,” Don wondered. “I mean, I dealt you a good salary. You don’t need to work there, anymore.”

Don daydreamed a moment about it. Leo could have all his evening day off and they could even leave together.

“I can’t drop them. The manager had hired me when nobody would have,” Leo countered. “Besides, Sardi’s is a perfect place to work at. After your play, even if it’s a success, I had no warranty I would be hired to play in another one, not as the lead role, that’s for sure. You know how showbusiness is. If in the next months the musical is over, I’m not playing in another one, I’m done and forgotten,” Leo explained like he had mused on the issue a long time. “I doubt to get such a good opportunity, so fast, again. Dragonfly would likely be my single success and I’m very grateful for, “he added. “But this why I need to play safe and stay at Sardi’s.”

Leo’s loyalty was cute and his reasons were sensible, but Don refused to drop it.

“After this play, I would write for you another one,” Don retorted with passion. “I can do it, you...You inspire me a lot, Leo.” His voice cracked, his nerve taking the best of him after such a confession. The playwright had no idea what he could write, yet, when he was just done with DragonFly, but if he could put Leo at ease, he would stay awake all night. Anyway, Don had a prescription of Pervitine, for that. He had discovered these pills by Fritz. Every soldier was taking them on both camps. With them, you could keep going one day and a half, without sleeping. Back in the USA, their family doctor had even promised it could help with Don’s inner gloominess. “And after this second one, I could write another…”

“I appreciate the thought,” Leo’s face expressed that he had still reservations. “But it would take you time and you are so busy, already as the Majestic’s director,” he trailed off.

“I will be done with it before the end of the rehearse,” Don boasted. “Give me six weeks. DragonFly would be still playing and you will have at least three other plays waiting for you,” he promised.

There were now in front of Leo’s place and carried away, Don took the young actor’s hand.

“I promise to take responsibility for it,” Don sworne. “Please rely on me.”

“I do $14,40 weekly, in addition to around $30 from tips,” Leo pointed out. “My goal is to leave my aunt’s and be independent the day I turn twenty-one, in thirteen months. I won’t be able to do so if I resign.”

Don was about to pull his hair and he let go from Leo’s hand. He wasn’t rich enough to give Leo a so high weekly allowance. He had already spent more than $3000 for the car. It had been a considerable expense and to cover it, Don needed to be careful. He had made his budget and had even decided not to buy a prostitute service more than twice a month. Of course, Donnie would instead give $15 to Leo than a whore, but Don had urges which needed to be satisfied if he wanted to keep his mind clear with Leo.

“Thanks for the ride,” Leo murmured, after having waited a moment. He leaned over Don and took Donnies’ hat like the last time. It looked like he was about to kiss him and Don’s heart missed a few beats. But Leo’s lips brushed his jaws, only. “See you on Monday,” he said in a velvety voice, full of erotic promises to Don’s ear.

The young man left the car and climbed the stair in a hurry. At the door, he turned to wave his hand as a goodbye. Don waved his hand back, gasping and lovestruck still when Leo wasn’t even there anymore. When Don was alone in his car, he realized he didn’t get the date he had wanted. Leo had managed to dodge the matter by sidetracking the conversation. Leo had said, ‘See you on Monday,” like he had forgotten Don was so obsessed by him, he would have dinner at Sardi’s again. Also, the waiter underestimated Don and how the playwright was inspired by him. Leo was worried DragonFly would be his sole opportunity? Don would show him he had no reason to be concerned. Tomorrow, at dinner, Don would show up at Sardi’s with the whole first act from a new play written. He would eat pills as breakfast and lunch and not sleep, but he would show Leo he could rely on him for his future.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Old picture from an 'oisen geisha' and art by Neat Tea

* * *

Another week of rehearsing was about to end. Don was exhausted despite Pervitine. He had to wear many hats: he was the director, the composer, the playwright, the choreographer, and even the damn designer. On Monday, the costume designers had taken the actor’s measurements and left with Don’s instructions. To save money, Don had asked Brooks Costume Rental Company, some from their extensive collection of ready-made costumes for rent. The story was happening in the present with many soldiers. Soldiers outfits were the easiest thing to find these days. But, when Don had driven the young actor home after his shift at Sardi’s, Leo had said something about he would have wished to have at least a costume made only for him for his first time on the stage, that he could keep and cherish as a memory. Don had melted to hear this reason. Leo wanted a memory from the play, Don’s play, that he would keep forever and this thought made Don so excited and anxious that he had to rush to the bathroom to hide his lovestruck grin each time he thought about it during the rehearse.

Brooks Costume Rental Company was employing 250 costume makers who could create 20 new costumes a day. They had promised to have the kimono and the soldier costume done before noon, this Friday and Don couldn’t wait. It was a surprise. When Leo had spoken about his disappointment, Don hadn’t said a thing. First, he had wanted to ponder about Leo’s wish to be sure to be able to meet the expectations of the cute waiter. To promise the second play had been a spur of the moment and, even if he didn’t quite regret it, it was adding to his workload.

But Leo’s stirred and grateful gaze and the fact he had accepted all Don’s new ride offers worth it.

Sunday, Leo was busy and well, Don had been too. The music book needed to be also done, for the second play. But promising clothes was only a money question. Don had to make sure the musical was rentable. He had done his account the Monday night. For now, it was only expenses and no income. It was normal, but the whole situation was making him nervous. It was his fight with Wilson on the first day. After having so insisted on Leo was the right choice, Don couldn’t afford Dragonfly to turn out a failure. If it turned to be, Leo’s career wasn’t the only one over, Don’s was as well. By doing all the job from choreographer to accountant by himself, he was saving enough to please Leo and buy new costumes, he had decided.

To be extra-cautious, Don had asked all the costumes, the rented ones and Leo’s to be brought at the same moment. Don didn’t need his cast to start gossiping about Leo being the teacher pet, again. He hoped nobody would notice.

“After lunchtime, we will try the costumes and rehearse Act one with them,” he had declared. “Today, I give you one hour! Dick! Tell me when the guys from Brooks are there!” Without caring about the cast reaction, Don had rushed to his office. Since what happened the last time, Don avoided Leo the best he could at lunchtime. He didn’t want to take the risk the young actor followed him in his office and Don lose it again.

Don wasn’t even hungry and he had cursed the delay to get to see Leo with eyes shining with surprise. It wasn’t like he had time to eat, anyway. In his ‘free time’ when he wasn’t doing the account, he was busy with his second play, a western with no name so far. While he had been searching for an idea, the last Friday, after having drive Leo’s home, he had understood better the waiter’s concerns. Even if Leo wasn’t looking Japanese, he wasn’t looking white either. If Leo wanted to be an actor, he would have to be content with exotics roles his whole life. There weren’t many playwrights writing plays with a no white man as the lead role. Don was probably the only one doing it, only because he was madly in love.

He took a bite from his sandwich and found it a taste of oily cardboard. His mother had stopped at the Majestic this morning. When Don had told her he was now the theater director, in the middle of yesterday’s dinner, she had been very excited, but also mad. Don still thought she was overreacting. He had ditched Sunday holy dinner, too busy to write Leo’s second play. Since then, she had been harassing him to know when she could have dinner with her unique son. He had yielded and suggested Thursday. He hadn’t been sure if he should explain to Leo he wouldn’t have dinner at Sardi’s even if the waiter were working. After having mused over a bit, he had decided against it.

At dinner, when he had told her about his new director’s responsibilities, she had understood better why his son was busy. But she had been incensed Don had hidden this so important information for almost two weeks from her. Why Don was so heartless, she had wondered aloud. Don had mumbled she was only exaggerating. He had been busy with work, he needed to do some last-minute edits and well, he had also been engrossed in another play he had started to write. His mother knew him and knew when Don was into a project, he could even forget to eat.

But Don knew his mother as well and waited for her retaliation.

Around 11:00 o’clock, she had entered the theater to give Don a lunch bag in front of the cast and crew and, even worse, Leo. Don could have died from embarrassment. She had insisted on watching next to his son one hour from the rehearse, exclaiming it remembered her from her late husband.

With a pounding heart, even if he refused to admit it, Don had waited for his mother’s opinion. Not about the play, he knew it was great, but about Leo.

The whole hour, he had discreetly glanced at her, while directing the cast, to see if she was impressed by Leo’s majestic easiness on a stage.

But each time Leo appeared, she pursed her lips with disapproval. The first time he had noticed it, he had hoped someone else was the reason for this scowl. But he could stay in denial too long. His mother was staring at Leo.

At one moment, after having corrected a movement from another actor, he jumped down the stage and went straight to her.

“If you have something to say, say it,” he had hissed through his clenched teeth. Don had never gotten into any fights with his mother. Their passive-aggressive head games never emerged as arguments. She would ask him to meet X single girl she knew from a relative or friend, and he would turn her down. She would come back by asking why and he would elude this hellish situation by changing the topic. She never told him straight that he was a disappointment, despite being a genius. She only sighed a lot and suggested each Sunday a new doctor that Don could see to heal from his ‘melancholia’. 

He put down his ham-cheese sandwich. His mother had never been a great cook. She had been for his father a good housewife but with a servant help. Now that she wasn’t busy with reception, she tried to be better at preparing meals, but outside the sandwich, Don guessed his mother wasn’t very good. Anyway, she could have given him a well-done steak, he wouldn’t have eaten it with more appetite. The scene from just ten minutes was too vivid. Disgusted, he preferred to lit his cigarette. He took a long drag on it and leaned back in his office chair, staring at the ceiling,

She had cast on him a cold look she never had for him, so far. The hazelnut chips of her eyes-the same eyes he has-were gleaming with contempt. How she had guessed it, Don wondered, deeply annoyed. How a woman who was in denial about his son’s sexuality could have spotted among a cast of good-looking people his son’s love interest.

“We are not discussing that here. Let have lunch somewhere else,” she had said, standing up. “This is a private matter,” she had added.

Don had narrowed his eyes, knowing damn well where would lead these personal matters. But he wouldn’t let himself being schooled like a toddler in front of his employee and Leo. Anyway, whatever she could say wouldn’t change a thing. Leo got the role with the producer’s approval. Besides, Leo was perfect. Don wouldn’t ever fire him.

“You bring me a lunch bag, as a good mother, so I will eat it, alone, while setting accounts with the costume rental company. I’m the director here. If you have business with your son, it will wait at home,” he had retorted icily. He was done playing these hidden games, anyway. By now, his mother should have dropped it already. He knew well it was only postponing a very unpleasant conversation, but he needed his mother to see Don could be gay, he was a grown-up man able to stand up and protect the one he loved.

His mother hadn’t expected the rebuttal. Her face had expressed how hurt and dejected she was, but Don had refused to let him being coaxed.

This was at the moment he had called the lunch break and to be sure his mother understood he wouldn’t listen to her, he had headed toward his office without a lock back. Neither he had glanced at Leo, as hard it was, to not give more fuel to any speech his mother would give him later.

To not think about it, he scribbled down some lyrics for Leo’s second play. A knock on his office’s door kicked him from his thought.

“Director Perkins, the costumes just arrived if you want to check,” Dick announced.  
  
Dick was Don’s errand boy, but the teen preferred the pompous title of the assistant. He was a ginger-haired seventeen boy, plain-looking but very effective. Also, he accepted any Don’s order for 0,50 hourly. It was the best salary than a no qualified teen could hope for and this is why Dick was so eager to please the director. Don didn’t need help for complicate things and so, didn’t mind Dick was illiterate. What he required what someone to watch over the cast when his attraction for Leo reached a peak.

Don crushed his cigarette in the ashtray. He wouldn’t risk damaging Leo’s costumes by a cigarette burnt.

“Let see,” Don exclaimed eagerly. “These sons of a bitch are thirty-five minutes late,” he complained to Dick, who nodded. “If there something wrong, the time we notice, the lunchtime would be over!”

Don meant to look angry, but he was more anxious than anything and the first thing he did was to ask for the tailored new costumes in a low voice.

“These are there,” the woman responsible said. She pushed toward Don a rolling clothing rack with hanging garment bags.

With a hand shaking with nerve, Don unzipped one. This one was the kimono. It was precisely like Don had asked, from a lovely purple covered in a floral design. He touched the soft fabric with emotion. It was his first real gift to Leo. Of course, the play was too, but the costume was a more special present.

He searched Leo with his eyes and Dick appeared next to him.

“He is in his dressing room. He didn’t move from there all lunch.”

Don didn’t even bother denying he was looking for someone in specific. He was done being a hypocrite. Anyway, he was too concerned by Leo for that. Usually, Leo eats at Sardi’s for lunch, because the manager told him he could eat for free a bowl of soup and a sandwich each lunchtime. Don admitted it was advantageous to work at Sardi’s for Leo. Each weekday, he got two free meals. For someone who wanted to save the more money he could, it was an excellent opportunity.

He snatched the three garment bags and walked with a long stride to Leo’s dressing room.

“Watch the costume fitting for me, Dick. I will be right back.”

In front of Leo’s lodge, Don tried to compose himself before knocking politely.

“Come in.”

Gently, Don pushed open the door. Leo’s dressing room was the best from the Majestic and well, one of the two who were private. He has his own bathroom with a shower and even a couch. The other guys were sharing a big one and the female member of the cast another one Don had declared it was normal that the star of the play has the best dressing room but the truth was he didn’t want Leo to be too close from other guys, neither he changes his clothes in front of them.

Leo was sitting at his vanity. He wore a baby-blue shirt that enhanced his fair complexion and black pants with suspenders. The waiter busy writing on a nice paper letter and Don’s jealousy flared up. The more he spends time with the young actor, the more he fell for him. Such a beautiful person could haven’t been noticed by someone else more worthy than Don.

“Am I disturbing you?” he asked the more casual he could manage.

“I’m writing to my mother,” Leo said. “I didn’t break her the news. Your mother wrath reminds me of my son’s duty.”

Leo’s face was different than usual, looking even smoother. Don took mentally note that the few times Leo had talked about his mother, it always has been with fondness. The waiter seemed to love and miss her pretty much. It must have been hard for him to have left her behind. Even more to go to a foreign country to live with a stranger.

“Oh,” Don sighed with relief, but his cheeks were burning with embarrassment. Don had spoken to his mother with a coldness who should have let a bad impression on Leo. “It’s must be hard for you to not see her,” he mumbled.

“Indeed. I do hope to see her again,” Leo said with a sad smile. “If I can’t go to her, she would come to me. But for now, I can give her support. I was ashamed as a son to not be able to send her enough money. Maybe you don’t know but in my culture, the son has to take care of his parents. My mother is around forty now. Clients are fewer.”

It was the first time Don heard about Leo sending money to his mother. This is why the young man worked so hard. Leo wasn’t greedy only to be independent. He wanted to support his aging mother. If Don could love Leo more than he already was, he would. He didn’t mind that Leo was talking about Japanese culture like his, when he was for twelve years an American citizen. Of course, Leo keeps an attachment for the country of his childhood, where his mother was still living.

“You are such a nice boy, Leo. Your mother must be proud of you.”

“I wish she could see me in your play, Mr. Perkins. She would be delighted.”

Don nodded with an indulgent smile. Leo was so cute and sweet.

“I have a surprise for you,” he said, unable to wait further. “Do you remember you told me you wanted new costumes to keep as a memory?”

Eagerly, Don motioned toward the bags. “I tried to fulfill your wishes.”

Leo took a step forward and unzipped the first bag garment. It was the soldier costume and Leo barely checked it. Don’s guts had been right. The kimono was Leo’s main concern. With a pounding heart, he waited for Leo’s reaction when he pulled the kimono out of the bag. To his dismay, Leo stayed expressionless when he saw the kimono and stroked the fabric.

“It’s cotton,” Leo said flatly. “This isn’t a kimono. It’s a yukata.”

Don froze. He had no idea what was a yukata. He only knew a thing: Leo was disappointed.

“What you mean?” he stammered. The costume had looked fine to him, but of course, Leo knew better.

“In the play, you referred at it like a kimono,” Leo continued, growing more and more displeased.” No Geisha, even on the hottest day of summer would wear a yukata. This piece of clothing is inaccurate.”

“Do you mean they tried to fool me?” If the guy from Brook tried to mess with him, Don would cancel the deal altogether. To the hell with the money. Don would buy them at another shop or would hire his own tailors and sewer.

Leo’s hand dropped at his side and Don felt an icy pit in his stomach. He wouldn’t see Leo in the purple costume he had so fantasized about.

“They didn’t do it on purpose. They are unaware of the difference, I suppose,” Leo sighed. “Like you."

Don took the ‘like you’ like a slap. Indeed, he had been careless. He pretended to love Leo and write a play for him and he didn’t even know the first thing about Leo’s Japanese roots.

“I’m glad my mother isn’t seeing this. She would have been upset,” Leo continued, his expression gloomy.

“Tell me what is wrong with it!” Don exclaimed. “It is only the fabric? What do you want? Satin? Silk?” he inquired feverishly. “Come with me and you will tell these ignorant donkeys what you want!”

“Indeed, kimonos are usually made of silk or brocade,” Leo explained. “They have an inner layer and an outer layer and are worn with at least two collars.” He turned his back to Don to pick up something. “Here my mother picture at the time she met my father. She has a kimono on it.”

Don took very respectfully the photography handed to him. He had never seen Leo’s mother and he guessed it was a step in the young man’s intimacy. He took details hungrily of the woman on the picture, stirred to have been allowed to. Leo had taken from his mother. They had the same exquisite face shape, mysterious gaze, and sensual lips. The same half-smile also graced her features.

“She is beautiful,” he choked. He felt as nervous as he was confessing Leo was the beautiful one.

“Her name is Ayaka. It’s hard to translate. It’s a word to call a perfumed, colored flower.”

“It’s beautiful,” Don repeated in a strangled voice. Then, he told himself he needed to snap of it to not look even dumber “You should also have a flower name.”

“I actually do,” Leo replied. “My mother didn’t name me Leo. My father did.”

“Could you please tell me the name she gave you?” Don asked his heart racing again. Each glimpse he had from Leo’s personal life was filling him with enthusiasm. He felt like he was making some progress in the waiter’s heart.

“Ren.” Don felt like bursting from bliss and his mind kept replaying the word. It sounded deliciously foreign and sweet at the same, like an unknown fruit you took a bite in. He pictured himself calling Leo this way while thrusting into him. “That means water lily.”

The cold voice reminded Don he was in front of his crush and that his face must have given away his impures thoughts. Leo retook the costume, now unfolding it. “I’m sorry, Mr.Perkins, it’s a nice yukata, but I can’t wear such an inaccurate garment in public.”

Don shoke himself. Leo had said the yukata was nice and he saw in that an opportunity to thanks the actor to have told him such a piece of valuable information like his birth name.

“Could you consider this yukata as a personal gift, then?” he asked eagerly. That would mean it couldn’t use the costume for his play. It was $13 down the drain but he didn’t care. The idea Leo could wear on his private time something from him was filling him with happiness. “I would ask they made you a real, pure silk kimono for the play. You can choose the color, the pattern and explain to them yourself what would be more accurate.”

“Thank you, I would use it as a bathrobe,” Leo answered and even if a part of Don’s rational brain was finding it was a damn luxurious bathrobe at this price, the word bath made him mentally drool on the image of Leo’s wet and naked skin against Don’s gift. “But fair warning, a kimono is more expensive,” Leo replied. “It would cost you around $85.”

Don has almost a heart attack hearing the price. It was around the same price as a rent! It was crazy.

“I’m sure the silk would look amazing under the spotlight,” Leo continued like he didn’t utter such an astronomic number. “My favorite color is blue. I don’t have any preference for the pattern. White crane could have done it, but from the last seats, they wouldn’t stand out. My suggestion would be pink cherry flowers with a red obi,” Leo proposed with a bright smile he had never had. “The under layer must be white. My mother had one like that. She was pretty in it.”

“Alright,” Don mumbled while running a trembling hand in his hair. Now he was too late to back down from his offer. Leo looked too happy about it. “I will go tell them.”

“Wait.” Leo smirked, his eyes shining with something Don couldn’t nail. “Don’t you want I try it before? What if the measurements are wrong? You wouldn’t want them to start over on the kimono.”

Don swallowed heavily. It wasn’t because Leo would wear the yukata. To try it, Leo would have to undress and they were alone.

With deliberately slow gestures to Don’s opinion, Leo slid down the suspenders and unbuttoned his shirt. The playwright held his breath while the actor undid his sock garters, before removing his pants. Leo was now standing only with his white knit briefs and tank top undershirt. The fabric of the top was thin enough for Don to perceive the little bulge made by Leo’s nipples. The greedy part of Don cursed the invention of underwear. For himself, he didn’t wear any of them. The main reason was that he wasn’t tall, only. He was also quite big down there. He hated to feel his cock trapped when it got erected. Underwear was also a waste of money and well, it was also wasting time when Don was in a hurry to be at it. Don’s gaze zeroed on Leo’s crotch. The actor’s cock was flaccid but Don could guess a long, slender member.

He was still staring when he realized Leo was now wrapped into the purple yukata and was staring at his own reflection in the mirror.

“It’s a little feminine for a man’s bathrobe. My aunt would tease me,” Leo said while tying the belt he called an obi. “But yukata are very comfortable. Thank you again, Mr.Perkins.”

“Please call me Don when we are in private,” Don blurted again. This Mr.Perkins was standing between them like a fence Don wanted to take down. “And I will call you Ren.”

“Nobody is calling me Ren,” Leo replied slowly, casting an unreadable look under his long eyelashes and Don wasn’t sure if Leo allowed or denied him the right to call him by his birth name. The actor dropped in his chair, stretching his legs and his naked calf slid from the yukata opening. Leo has a long leg for a short man, Don noted mentally. Well, everybody was short compared to Don’s 6’5. But what was more arising his attention was the almost none body hair Leo’s has despite his raven hair. As the neat freak he was, Don found it even more appealing. His eyes ran down to the ankle and the toe with the nail neatly cut. The skin looked soft, without any callosity. Since the nazi, Don never had a partner taking care of his nail toes. Leo was perfect from head to toes, indeed. His mouth grew dry with desire.

“Your feet are gorgeous,” he choked out. “Can I...touch them?”

Don wanted to facepalm to have dared to voice such weird fantasies aloud. Leo blinked but his face didn’t show any surprise or disgust.

“You can,” he replied and Don’s chest tightened with expectation. He took Leo’s right foot lovingly, stroking the silky flesh from the ankle. He couldn’t help it and kissed the delicate ankle. He felt Leo’s tremor.

“I won’t hurt you,” Don uttered, his voice husky. He looked up at Leo and the young man blushed. Don chuckled slightly at Leo’s shyness and rubbed his finger in a circle on the actor footbridge. He landed another kiss on the inside of the calf. “You work so hard. You are standing up all day. Let me relieved you from your stress.”

Don knew he was spouting bullshit nonsense. It wasn’t to relax Leo but to satisfie his own lust, but Don was too carried away to feel shame. But he still stayed sane enough to be cautious. If he crossed the line, Leo would kick him in the face and run away.

He rubbed and massaged Leo’s foot and waited the tension had left Leo’s muscle to dare to give a lick on the sole before taking the big toe into his mouth and sucking on it gently.

Leo was looking at him through half-lidded eyes, but staying still. He was breathing more heavily but wasn’t opposing and Don decided it was a green light. He kissed his way up, spreading open the yukata until he met with the white brief. The playwright smelled through the fabric, wanting to inhale Leo’s private part scent. He wondered if the young man had little groin hair and he pulled on the elastic band.

“I want to keep my underwear on,” Leo blurted out about to clap his leg together, but Don stayed there.

“Alright,” Don yielded in a soothing manner. In his pants, the director’s dick throbbed, but Leo wasn’t ready and he was okay with that. “I won’t remove them.”

With his hand, he held the actor tight spread and kissed the inside of them, licking the outline of the underwear, pulling out his tongue to reach the farthest he could under the fabric. From his position, he could see Leo’s cock swollen and he rubbed his nose against it. It was smelling of laundry soap and nothing else, but it was turning him on. He kissed the tip of the cock he could guess under the brief and he felt the moisture damping the thin fabric. He sucked on it, trying to taste the actor's precum like it was honeydew and Leo let out a whimper that flared up Don’s blood. He tried to take more of the shaft in his mouth while pressing his finger into the butthole but with the cotton brief, he couldn’t do as he wanted. With his other hand, he rolled the bud of Leo’s left nipple and Leo made more cute noise, now all fidgety. To react like that, there was hope Leo would bottom.

“Are you a virgin?” Don inquired. It was a question who was burning his lips for months. To his dismay, Leo shook his head.

“You had sex with who?” Don asked angrily, even if he knew he had no right to be. “A man or a woman?”

“Women.” Leo was flushed, very far from his composed self. Don was less jealous now. That a young man as attractive as Leo had sex with a girl was normal. Don only had to make love to him so good that Leo would never consider having sex with a woman again.

“Don…” Leo moaned, throwing his head back and the cry went straight to his groin. Finally, Leo had called him by his name, Don had broken this barrier between them. The waiter was now rocking his hips, pressing himself against Don’s face. The director was so horny he was struggling to keep his dick in his pants. Maybe Leo was aroused enough to undress, now. He moved his hand under the brief and grazed the puckered skin from Leo’s hole. Nobody had touched it before him and Don’s heart raced faster. He never had a virgin before.

“I’m very good at this.” Don’s voice was dripping with lust. “Let me give you pleasure. I won’t leave you in the dust after, I promise. I will take great care of you,” he vowed, kissing Leo’s navel, plunging his tongue in it. Leo's flesh was addictive.

But at his stupor, Leo shoved his head away.

“What do you mean by you are very good at this?” Leo snapped, obviously mad. “With how many men did you have sex? To how many young men you made such a promise? Wich number I am?”

Don stared speechless at Leo’s fury. Of course, a part of him was delighted to see the actor looked jealous. But Leo seemed genuinely angry and Don wondered how to calm his beloved. Leo had no reason to be jealous; he has no rival. Never Don had cared for someone as much as for Leo. But how explained it? What could Don say? That after he had a long sadomasochist affair with a Nazi officer, something still wrong on many aspects, he had only sex with male whores he tied up? What he feels for Leo and what he intended to do with the young man wasn’t the same. He had never thought of his secret trysts like lovemaking. It was only self-care when he wanted to worship any crevice of Leo's body. 

While he struggled to find a way to explain himself, Leo was putting his clothes on. The mood was spoiled definitively.

“For a men lover like you, I wonder why you didn’t show more explicitly the relationship between the two main characters," Leo said out of the blue and Don looked up, puzzled. "I thought about it yesterday. If the lieutenant Jonhson kills himself after Togon is executed, I think it would make a better end. It would also improve the image the public could have from my character. It would be quite shocking to put into light male lovers, but it would attract the press attention. There no bad publicity. For an unknown actor like me, it would help me.”

Don’s cock was flaccid now, his mind out of the gutter and turned toward business. Leo seemed to have put on it a great deal of thought about this idea, but it was now too late.

“I doubt censorship would allow it,” he replied slowly, still on his knee next Leo’s empty chair. “Besides, it’s too late. The producer gave his approval on the play like it was. I couldn’t change it, now. I already have to fight to get him to accept.” Don didn’t add that Leo was the only cause for the producer’s reluctance. What he knew was that if he had written the play from the beginning, as Leo suggested, never Wilson would have agreed. Well, there was no producer would who give money on such a shocking story about mixed-race gay lovers, even less when people were still grieving Pacific war loss. Damn, his own mother was still in denial he was gay. If she knew his son intended to present a musical about it, she would die on the spot. “You could be right, but I doubt people are ready to be so...open-minded.”

Leo’s face twisted with disapproval.

“You were on your knee vowing to not leave me in the dust and still, you want to stay ambiguous in your play. You wrote these characters having for each other feelings they don’t want to acknowledge in mind, right? Why letting it blurry? Why not being more honest about it?” Leo wondered angrily. “It’s a coward way.”

Don stood up, upset. To not have to hide and lie was his hopeless dream, but Leo had no idea about what he asked for.

“I can’t change it!” Don repeated, distressed. “Wilson would back off and withdraw his money!”  
“Well, don’t tell him! It’s only a little last-minute edit,” Leo countered. “I’m sure he would be glad when people would fill the theater to see the musical all the press is talking about.”  
  
“I can’t do that,” Don repeated, more and more distraught. Why Leo was acting so unreasonable?

“And I was about to give myself to you,” Leo exclaimed, his eyes watery and Don’s wills were about to snap, tempted to declare he would do whatever Leo wanted if the waiter agreed to sit on the chair again and let himself being groped.

A knock on the door prevented him from doing so.

“Director Perkins, are you alright there?” Dick asked from the other side. “You are into Mr. Leo dressing room for a moment, already. The cast is waiting for you to start the afternoon rehearse.”

Of course, the cast must be busy gossiping about the reason the director and the lead actor were missing, but who cares? They all know already. Leo’s fierce eyes challenged him and Don’s resolve crumbled. Since everybody knew about Don’s perversion, why not making a big show from it. If everyone in New York turned his back to him he would be warm under Leo’s bedsheet.

“I’m coming,” Don shouted and he locked eyes with his actor.

“I’m not a coward, Ren. I will show you.”

Leo stayed mute and Don left the dressing room with tears of shame, despair and anger.

* * *


	6. Chapter 6

The changes about the end went smoother with the cast than Don had feared. After two weeks, they got to know more about the director. Don was a polite man, but who doesn’t stand to be contradicted. He didn’t say Leo was the one to have suggested the modification, even if it could have explained the hour they spent in Leo’s dress room together. At this point, Don preferred people thought he was gay for his actor than they know Leo has him wrapped around his little finger enough for Don to do such crazy unprofessional things like to edit a play two weeks after the rehearse had started. 

Don was so angry with himself; he didn’t even glance at Leo while he explained the final scene. But when the actor played his suicide, after Togon’s execution, Don was reconsidering his first idea. He admitted Leo’s suggestion was only extending the play from thirty seconds, but the addition was giving more depth and emotion to the whole story. To not upset the public too much, they could hide the actor behind a thin curtain, for the spectators could see the shadow and hear the revolver bang only. Moreover, it was an addition that would cost almost nothing. He took in hand the book Wilson had read and approved. The last page was covered to the bottom, but the side of it was blank. If the play turned a scandal and Wilson become furious and denied to have accepted it like that, Don could scribble the last scene right now and blame Wilson to not have read it to the end.

It could work, he decided. Leo was right; the story was now better and besides, it was feeling good to expose such thing as gay love could exist. At the end of the day, Don was actually grateful for Leo’s suggestion. He was as a director but also as a lover to be. To please Leo could only turn good for him. The reward for having accepted the change would be delightful. His gaze landed on the mixed-blood actor. Leo wasn’t looking at him, but his demeanor was stiffer than usual, Don noted with concern. That could only mean Leo was feeling uneasy. It could be because of what had happened in the dressing room or it could be because Leo, so sensitive, feels the heavy stares from the other actors. Despite Leo’s professionalism and politeness, he made more envious than friends and Don could bet they were badmouthing the young man any chance they get. How inconvenient it was to need them for his play. He dreamed of a world where he could love Leo freely in damn peace, without jealous, racist or bigot people to care about.

Don glanced at his watch. It was 5:30 and Leo needed to leave. 

“Alright everybody, let call it a day!” Don announced, tapping his cigarette on the ashtray in front of him. “By the way, since Mr.Hunter needs to leave at 5:30, I decided we will end the rehearse at this hour each day from now,” he added. “It won’t be cut from your paycheck. I do believe that less tired actors perform better,” he concluded with a sneer. 

Cheers followed the declaration and he nodded absentmindedly, cigarette pinched tightly between his lips. He had just thought of it as a way to placate them to make Leo’s life easier. 

He ogled Leo jumping down the stage, obviously ignoring him, the director. It was unusual and Don’s uneasiness grew. Everyone would gossip now about them having a fight. Indeed, they kind of have, but Leo knew Don had followed his idea. Don had yielded for the kimono too. He hadn’t said aloud, but he was sure Leo had seen him argue with the manager from Brook. Because Don had asked for a kimono and not a yukata, and had furiously pretended he knew the difference between the two pieces of Japanese clothing, he had managed to bargain the price for it. They had agreed to leave him Leo’s bathrobe for $7 instead of $13 and Don had accepted the $75 estimate. 

So, he had yielded to both Leo’s demands, but it wasn’t enough, apparently. Don guessed it was time he apologizes to the young actor. Not only because Leo was right and the end change was actually a great idea when Don had resisted against it. But because Don had acted too bold, too fast.

He glanced at Leo walking toward his dressing room, his stare zeroing on the perfect toned ass. Don still couldn’t believe he had tasted it with his tongue and stroked it through the underwear. He drooled over the so fresh memory. It wasn’t rape, the playwright told himself. Even if the actor had only given his consent to have his feet touched, Leo didn’t look to mind he does more until Don had boasted about his bedroom skills like a caveman. Why did he do that? Don clenched his fists, mad at himself. He had been stupid and rude and now he needed to explain his feelings properly to Leo. Ren, he mentally corrected, preferring the waiter’s birth name. It was making Don feel closer to him, even if he was still unsure he was allowed to call Leo this way.

Don was now alone, on a first-row seat. He could still hear the chatter from the other actors leaving. Don didn’t reply to any goodbye, too caught in his train of thought. Where was Leo? Did the waiter had left without a word to him? Since he worked at Sardi’s right after, Leo usually took a shower and put on his waiter suit in his dressing room before leaving. But maybe today Leo was too in a hurry to get away from him. The more he thought about it, the more Don realized he had acted recklessly and hated himself. How a so-called genius like him could be so brainless? He had done it all wrong! He had never voiced his feelings explicitly to the younger man. He had forced himself on Leo twice, despite having been told to take his time and to show respects to Leo. Even more, Don had implied being sexually experimented. Well, it was kind of true, but very rude to someone he was supposed to woe. And what about he had slid his hand on Leo’s naked skin when Leo had said he wanted to keep his underwear? At the moment Leo had stated that he wanted to keep them on, Don should have backed off. But he didn’t; he had rubbed his face on Leo’s groin to inhale his scent and taste his precum and had sneaked his hand under the brief in an attempt to finger him.

The playwright sighed, his forehead in his hand, trying to kill his incoming boner. He had no reason to get excited by recalling how soft Leo’s private parts were. He had crossed the line. Don had been a massive bastard in addition to probably look like a weird pervert. Did he not sucked and licked Leo’s toes? Of course, he had never done that before, to anybody, but Leo couldn’t know since Don self-proclaimed himself being so skilled! Leo would think it was one of Donnie’s habit to get on his knee and lick the first Average Joe foot. Don’s merciless mind recalled him how greedily he had sucked on Leo’s toes. How he had lost all self-restraint over Leo’s foot wasn’t something a sane person would do. The poor boy must find him disgusting. Even the kimono’s price couldn’t make up for it to Leo’s eyes. He took a last drag on his cigarette before crushing it. He was nervous, but he needed to apologize and then spill the beans. What if Leo refuses to forgive him? 

He mused a moment if it was better to go to Leo’s dressing room or call him into his office to have a talk before the waiter headed for his evening job. But he had groped Leo at both places and he wondered if it would make Leo felt cornered or bringing back bad memories to him. Sardi’s wasn’t an appropriate place to apologize and confess. The best way was to catch Leo before he leaves and ask him if he would mind Don drive him back home after his shift. In the privacy of his car, where nothing terrible occurred between them, Leo would be more receptive, perhaps. Well, he would have rather preferred his place, but the young actor was unlikely to accept so fast to be alone with him.

Thinking from his place reminded Don from his mother and he uttered an exasperated sigh, reaching for another cigarette. He was chain-smoking today but was too restless to finish a single one. There was no way he escapes from a talk with his mother. Not after he almost kicked her out with harsh words. She was probably waiting for him, watching her shameful gay son’s return from her window. He lit the cigarette and stared at the wooden floor, pinching his nose bridge. What he would tell her? What he could say except that he was fine, really? He was also an adult and that she needed to stay out of this.

But Leo was his main concern and at the moment he looked up, he saw his lead actor rushing to the exit with his Sardi’s uniform under his coat. Don quickly stood up.

“Leo!” He didn’t dare to the younger man out by his real name. “Can I have a word with you?” he shouted, his strained voice choking on the last words.

“I rather not,” Leo replied coldly and Don froze. “I also would like you to avoid to eat at Sardi’s for a few days, at least,” Leo added, his onyx glare on him. “I need some time by myself to cool down and think about it.”

Don stayed speechless. He didn’t expect that Leo could be upset to the point of refusing to serve him at Sardi’s. But of course, he is, you wacko, Don yelled to himself. You vent off on him from your filthy desires. The sweet boy must be traumatized.

I will respect your wish,” Don stammered, not even able to look into Leo’s eyes. “I also ordered the kimono and as you know, changed the play’s end.” Don felt how meaningless it was for a man who got touched by what he probably considered a wicked seducer. “But the thing I also wanted to give to you is a proper apology,” he continued, feeling absolutely miserable. “I also had something else to tell you, but I would wait for your green light to have this talk with you,” he concluded in so a low murmur, he wasn’t sure the words had reached Leo.

He braced himself and glanced up to see the actor’s reaction. 

“I will let you know,” Leo said in a neutral voice. He wasn’t looking angry but deadly serious and Don wasn’t sure it was any better. “See you on Monday, Mr. Perkins. No need to come to fetch me in the morning.”

And on that, Leo walked the door and even if he shut it down quietly, Don felt the noise shattering his very soul. No more Sardi’s and no more ride. Just like that, Leo had just sent him back away beyond case one. Don wasn’t even anymore a stranger Leo had no reason to be over-friendly with. Now, Donnie was someone suspicious and weird and maybe even, in Leo’s mind, someone dangerous he should be wary for. Despite having taken every single breath thinking of Leo, working for him, just like that, Don’s effort had been reduced to ashes. Because he had acted like a horny, mindless animal when from the start, Don wanted to treasure his beloved.

Despair hurt him like an open wound. His first move was to rush to the door and prevent the waiter from going at his job. He couldn’t leave Leo on this...misunderstanding. But when he swung open the door, he could see Leo across the street reaching the restaurant. Leo was utterly professional. It was the second thing that had caught Don’s attention when they first met after his exotic, unreachable cold beauty. If Don were blowing a fuse over Leo at Sardi’s, the gorgeous waiter would never forgive him for having brought scandal to his job. 

The pain and the awareness to be powerless over the situation stung Don’s hard. If he didn’t get out of his chest his feelings right now, he would snap. He snatched his notepad he used to write down correction and idea and made a beeline to Leo’s dressing room. If Leo didn’t want to hear him out, maybe Monday morning, the waiter would have calmed down enough to read.

In the dressing room, the purple yukata had been left on the chair and Don realized his jacket was still on the floor. Somewhere, in the daze, he had removed it without noticing probably to avoid sweating bullets with Leo so close. Don grabbed the yukata and hummed it. It still has the same scent of soap that Leo’s had and he felt overwhelmed by his need to embrace the body instead of the bathrobe. Sobbing, he fell on his knee, still clutching the yukata. He rubbed his face in the fabric, damping it with the tears running freely on his cheeks.

How could he fix this, he wondered painfully. Because there was no way he could forget about Leo and drop it after having been so far for him already. Don started feverishly to scribble on the notepad, pouring on the paper the feelings he was overwhelmed with. It was ironic how suddenly they flooded easily. In front of Leo, he was barely able to go further than two sentences. 

He wasn’t even done when he noticed he had filled the whole pad. It was now 7:00 o’clock, the time he usually crossed the street to eat. Leo was there, drop-dead gorgeous in his red suit, offering his polite half-smile to his customers, but Don wasn’t there to receive one. He had been chased away like a dog having pee on his master carpet, despite loving him more than anything. The pain throbbed stronger in his whole body and Don struggled to get up.

He couldn’t sleep here. He had to pull himself together and go back home. The idea to walk by Sardi’s without stopping was making him want to howl in despair, but there was anything he could do. 

He put on his jacket, after a kiss to the fake kimono. Did Leo leave it on purpose because he didn’t even want to deal with Don’s gift? It was pointless to torture himself with such depressing thoughts and Don, after a stop to his office to take his coat, left the building.

It was colder and about an inch of snow covered the ground. Don has a quick thought for Leo. Did he have winter boots? But he drowned it away. He wasn’t allowed to think about him. But it was like his body has its own mind and Don slowed his step. From the sidewalk, he could see the waiter’s and he spotted Leo immediately. What if he disobeyed? Leo couldn’t forbid him to eat whatever it pleased to Don. Leo wasn’t his boss, Don was. 

He stayed there, in the winter night, debating if yes or no, he would dare cross the street and finally, he decided against it. Leo had spoken of a few days. It wasn’t a life sentence. But the waiter had been so firm that it’s looked important to him. Don supposed Leo would be mad if he has dinner at Sardi’s. It would ruin his apology. He couldn’t risk making angry Leo only for a weekend! He had lived without Leo before, he could still make it. 

Running away from the temptation, Don jumped in his Packard. He wasn’t going home, yet. He needed to get dinner, but mostly, to get drunk. There was just no way he deals with his life right now and in his mother very soon and be sober. 

He drove blindly toward his place and pulled out to park in the first place looking like serving decent alcohol. He took two hours to eat a salad with no appetite and drunk three Punch Romaine and three Bourbon glasses. Don never felt more lonely than at the moment the waiter brought him the tab. How absurd it was to eat to survive when he had no wills to do so if he no one to enjoy life with? 

Should he just end it there? Not his obsession for Leo but rather his own life? But then, who’ll give Leo a chance to be a Broadway star? He only needed to survive to Monday, he decided. Until then, he would finish the second play. Monday, he would arrive sooner than usual and put the second book next to the love letter and a flower bouquet. Leo who would have calmed down by then, and would probably understand that Don had only been carried away. 

He drove to his place like a daredevil after to have swallowed dry a Pervitin pill. He needed some to keep writing all night, again, to the hell with sleep. It was a good plan, he decided. He knew Leo enough to be almost sure the young man would forgive him. But perhaps he should pick up someone. To tap an ass would put his mind at ease. Leo had aroused him too much to sleep without getting at it. He wondered if it counted as cheating? He decided it wasn’t. They weren’t together and Don only wanted to do it to blow some steam to be able to stay cold-headed with Leo. It showed how important the young man was for him. 

Don bargained with himself that he would wait to the next day for that. The priority was the upcoming musical and he would be able to get off only when it would be finished. It was a great motivation source, he decided, parking in front of his building. Don was so busy finishing the second play in his mind that he had forgotten about his mother. The director was startled when he bumped into her after having unlocked his door. 

“Donnie! Where were you? You reek of alcohol,” she exclaimed. Don saw her mother standing on this tiptoes to look behind him. She wanted to know if Don was already bringing home to screw him his lead actor. She should be relieved it wasn’t the case. Leo’s innocence was safe at Sardi’s. Something must have shown on his face because she looked upset. “Why are you returning home so late! With who were you?” she wanted to know and Don balled his fists, to brace himself against the scene about to begin.

He closed the door behind him. The upcoming scene would require privacy. He didn’t even have the time to do so before his mother fuss over him with her questioning. Somewhere in the haze of alcohol, he had hoped his mother would be tired to watch over his return. Of course, he should have known better and guess his mother has a key. He just hoped she didn’t go so far than searching his room. But he supposed she didn’t, for her own sake, too scared to get in the face his son was a fag and even more, a very kinky one. 

He hung his coat with a slow and calm gesture like it was a typical evening.

“You don’t have to enter my apartment when I’m not there,” he said quietly. “I’m also the owner of the building and what you did is called break-ins. I could call the police.”

Of course, he didn’t mean it, but he stared at her with solemn eyes for her to understand to never do it again. 

Her hazelnut eyes stared at him widely.

“I’m your mother,” she stammered like it was validating everything and Don scoffed, walking into his kitchen to take a glass from the tap. He leaned over the counter, watching at her, clutching to her purse, looking at lost. From her, Don had taken a slender silhouette and her brown hair and eyes. For a woman, she was tall, about the same height than Leo and she was very elegant. She had still remains of beauty, he judged. She couldn’t cook, but she was an excellent hostess, very lady-like. The black dress she always wore despite his father had died three years ago was enhancing her grace. 

She was forty-six years-old and she couldn’t give a new husband a child, but she was wealthy. Her father, a Sicilian banker, just died and she had still the money from her late husband. Why she wasn’t remarried yet and moved into another building? Don wished it for her own good. Don was a lost cause, anyway. She could boast about his son’s public success from Upper Manhattan and hide from his private life, he thought while drinking his glass. 

“For your information, I was working,” Don said casually. “I’m the director, but I do the account too. I also had an idea for my next play. I needed to work on it a little. I went to the restaurant and work on it while eating.”

It wasn’t that much a lie and this is why Don stayed unbothered.

“A new play?” she asked. “Already? But this one’s rehearses are not over, yet!”

It had been a bad idea, maybe because the word ‘rehearse’ obviously reminded his mother the first reason from his presence. 

“You know how I am, I need to work on many projects at once to not grow neurasthenic,” he added. 

His mother nodded but stayed there on the step of the door. She was musing over how to breach the topic, Don analyzed. 

“I’m fine,” Don insisted firmly. The Pervitin helped him to look focused and over the situation. “I have never been so inspired and driven in my entire life. I feel I found my purpose and I’m confident this play and the next would turn to be big Broadway hits.”

Maria Perkins looked dubitative.

“Indeed,” she agreed slowly. “You seem to have found a source of motivation. As your mother, I’m concerned to know which one.” 

She walked toward him and sat on a kitchen chair. She has any intention to go nowhere and Don cursed under his breath.

“I had seen how you had most of your cast in an iron grip.” It was bad. She had said ‘most of your cast’ with intend. “You were acting like an effective director. You have a sharp eye to notice any way to improve your actors...except for one.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about, “Don shamelessly lied. “If I didn’t, it was because his acting was flawless,” he retorted.

“How do you it was a man?” She closed her eyes a moment, discouragement showing on her features before opening them again. “Why did you chose this one?”

Don felt his eyes twitch. Would they drop it already? Why were they all against Leo? To see how persecuted Leo was making the playwright cherish him even more.

“He is perfect for the role!” Don snapped. “Mixed-blood Japanese taking drama classes aren’t common in New York! I needed him to give the play more accuracy.” 

He had admitted he knew Leo was the one implied, but he didn’t care, exasperated by this game of cats and mice.

“Why did you write a story about mixed-Japanese, then?” his mother countered, logical. 

“The war is over. It’s an allegory of peace and reconciliation.”

“Well, why did you not chose a mixed German, then?” Her mouth twisted with disapproval. “You are more familiar with German soldiers.”

Don’s face was livid. There was no mistake about what his mother implied. His mother wanted to show off how knowledgeable she was about Don’s relationship with a nazi? Did she demand answers? He would serve her right.

“Because I fell in love at first sight with him,” he replied coldly and she paled awfully. She hadn't expected such honestly, neither his feeling could gone so far for Leo, he guessed. “He told me he was dreaming of being an actor and he became my muse,” he continued, his dark side enjoying to see how sick his mother looked. “I don’t have any kind of relationship with him.” He refused his mother hates Leo for sins the waiter was innocent of. “Not like the one I had in France with the Nazi officer, like you seem to remember. I wish I have, but for now, it’s only a one-sided platonic love,” he explained with sarcasm. “Loving him fulfill my heart. For my physical needs, I had other people. If you don’t want to witness me venting on them for my unrequited love, I suggest you to never enter my place again, without invitation,” he threatened. “If my pure love for my actor bothers you, don’t show your face again at my theater, either.”

She burst in tears, stammering nonsense about what she did wrong for her son to have turned this way. Don snorted. She wasn’t even aware that what she did wrong was to think there something wrong with him, to begin with. 

“Why don’t you try out with a girl?” She was sobbing desperately and Don threw his arms over his head in annoyance. “I do not understand you! What’s wrong with a nice girl you could get married with? She could care for you when I will not be there anymore!”

“We had this talk already. I tried!” Don exclaimed. “I’m not asking you to understand. I ask you to drop it!”

“It was long ago and maybe she wasn’t the good one for you,” she pleaded again, deaf to Don’s answer. “Please, just try it again! I can find one with no breast!” she cried with a shrill voice. 

“That’s enough!” Don slammed the table with force. “This isn’t about breast!” He sucked in a deep breath. She was his mother and he needed to stay calm. He also knew his mother was acting with him like education, religion and society taught her to do. Before even the date attempt, six years ago, Don already knew he was cursed to be attracted to men, only. It had started with his tennis instructor, when Don was thirteen. Since then, he was hiding it but to hide means also to get harassed and he was done. “I love asses,” Don replied bluntly. “I love muscular, firm, men’s asses. I love I can plow into them and they can take what I have to give.” His mother was so shocked by his declaration that she grabbed her chest, like she feared it would stop beating after such a shock. But Don was relieved. He actually said it aloud. “Since I can’t walk to the church with a man at my arm, I won’t ever be married. So, accept it or just disown me,” he concluded. There was nothing more to add. Now, she couldn't pretend anymore she didn't know. 

“You need help,” his mother mumbled, trembling and looking sick. “I will find a better doctor and he would cure you.”

“I’m not sick, goddammit!” Don shouted, losing his temper. It was good enough he had stayed calm so long. “And I don’t need help! I need to be left alone! Give me back the key and just move if you are disgusted by me!”

She landed the key on the kitchen table and stood up, her stare heavily weighting on Don.

“Would you come Sunday?” she asked slowly and Don felt bad. She was mad and upset, but she still tried to be a mother.

“I don’t think so,” Don replied softly, stirred by his mother’s effort. He wasn't a guy who loved a fight, neither.“I really need to finish my second book before Monday. I have still some lyrics to work on.”

“Why before Monday?” she inquired.

“Because…” Don shrugged, running his hand in his hair. His mind turned to Leo again and how his vanilla-hue skin was glowing under the spotlight. He couldn't live without Leo's forgiveness. It had been so hard to hear the actor unconcerned voice earlier. He was still feeling weak from Leo's glare. He hadn't the energy to argue more than that, even with the pill. “I think I need some time to stomach the conversation we had and I think you need it too.”

She ambled to the door, uncertain. She cast on him a last look before leaving.

“This actor you said you like…” Disgust was evident on her face and Don used all his remaining self-restraint to not react. “A friend of mine spoke once about she had...some rendezvous with a mixed-blood Japanese, a very young man raised in New York, speaking English fluently. She bought him gifts and paid him meals until her husband found out she has a lover.”

Don stayed expressionless. His mother must be desperate to try to change Don’s mind by trying to make him jealous. 

“How old is your friend? Forty-five? Fifty? Please, Leo is only nineteen. There no way he would be a middle-aged married woman’s lover. Besides, if it wasn’t only her boasting about her fantasies, there other men who could fit this description. You have to find better to make me forget about him,” he sneered. But the failed attempt pissed him off. “I never been in love and I’m feeling this way for months. Why could you not wish your son some happiness?”

“I do,” she protested and tears ran on his face and Don felt the worse. It wasn’t he wanted to hurt her, but he couldn’t change who he was. 

She left and Don dropped on his chair, exhausted by the fight. He had still the lyrics to write and, bravely, he put himself at work. 

******

When he glanced up, his work done, he realized it was 11:00 pm. How did he manage to finish so quickly? But it wasn’t his main concern. Soon, Leo would left work and sadly, he walked to the large window from his bedroom. Outside, the dreamy snowflakes had turned into a snowstorm. He wondered again if Leo had boots. It was cold outside, probably and Leo had only a light coat to walk thirty minutes.

The urge to see Leo took him hard, and off guard and without thinking more about it, he snatched his coat and his hat and grabbed his car key. He had a good reason, he decided. Leo didn’t know it would have a snowstorm. Moreover, Don had finished writing a musical in the record time of one week. He needed to show it to Leo to be sure everything was fine with the young actor before he shows it to a producer. Leo wouldn’t be angry. Don didn’t have dinner at Sardi’s and was offering him a free ride and a second play.

Convinced, he jumped in his car and drove to Sardi’s. Don hoped Leo didn’t finish earlier for some reason and in any case, he used the same path Leo would have used to go back home. He hadn’t seen the young man yet when he turned on 44th Street. He pulled out in front of Sardi’s, when he saw Leo leaving the restaurant. 

Don narrowed his eyes. Leo wasn’t alone. He was with a woman and Don knew which one. It was the $5 tips lady. Leo was holding her by the arm very gallantly and for a heartbeat, Don hoped she was drunk and needed help to stand until a taxi fetch her, but his hope was short-lived when she unlocked a car, her obviously and tenderly, Leo stroked her back while holding the door car. Then, he turned around to open the passenger one and Don’s felt a pit as big as the Grand Canyon in his stomach. Even as lovestruck he was, Don wasn’t even naive enough to believe the woman would drop such a seducing young man at his aunt. The kiss they shared inside the car made all his illusions flew out the window. Leo, the man he loved so much, was kissing a woman who could be his mother. It was so wrong with his image of the young man that Don thought he was becoming crazy. Was it the reason Leo didn’t want Don to come to Sardi’s? Because he had a date with this customer?

But their car was now leaving and Don has no answer, only pain. He didn’t even want to think back of his mother’s words. Beyond mad and hurt, only listening to his wounded heart, Don ignited his car to tail them.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, Don wouldn't turn violent. ;) He is too sweet and lovestruck for that. Neat Tea illustrated chapter 5, if you want to go back to check it out! Would you be interested to see Don's portraits to fit with Leo's at chapter one?


	7. Chapter 7

His heart pounding like crazy, Don followed the other Packard. Why was he doing this, his rational voice wanted to know? Instinct told him he would not like what he would see but, Don continued to tail the other car, his vision blurry by the tears. He had no right on Leo. Did he not told himself many time that he would withdraw if Leo meets a nice girl? He had decided that because it would make a brighter future for the young man to get married. It was the same reason his own mother wanted Don to get a wife. But Don was gay when Leo wasn’t. The young man had admitted having sex with one or a few girls, something Don never achieved, despite being seven years older. Yes, he swore; he was only following them because this woman wasn’t a potential wife for Leo. She was far too old and wasn’t in love with him. She only wanted a beautiful young male body to warm her bedsheet and the innocent boy didn’t get it. But Don was there to prevent this black widow to abuse Leo’s naivete. Don didn’t go into so much trouble and started a fight with everybody for the young man to have him stolen away by an old foxy. 

The chase didn’t last long. The car stopped in front of a fancy building on the Upper East Side. Don pulled on the side too, not to close from them, at the corner. The hope still lingered in him that Leo has a reason to be there. Maybe the woman needed help with moving her oven or something? Leo was kind and polite but also needed money to support his mother, probably younger than this woman. 

The street was empty at this time but a light pole was just above them, enough for him to watch them. He waited in his car while Leo get down from the car to open the driver’s door.

She accepted the hand he stretched to her and when she got out of the car, she threw himself at him, clinging on him and rubbing herself on the waiter. It was midnight, in the middle of a snowstorm. No one was crazy enough to be outside, except Don, to crazy in love for his own good. He hoped Leo would back off from the embrace. To Don’s stupor and rage, Leo didn’t step out of the embrace. On the opposite, he accepted it and replied by one of his own and the vision was unbearable.   
  
Don realized he was outside by the snow squall he received when he walked toward the couple. Before he could stop himself, he yanked Leo to him, by seizing the young man by the arm.

“What are you doing?” he exclaimed but before he finished his sentence, Don was lying on the icy sidewalk. He had no idea how, but Leo had managed to break free from his grip and send him to the ground. 

“Mr.Perkins! Is that you?” Leo asked, standing above him. But Don found something faked in the young man’s surprised voice. The waiter stretched his hand to help Don standing up. His pride hurt and upset the playwright refused the hand, and stood up by himself. He was too pissed by how Leo seemed cool-headed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was you. I thought we were attacked.” He turned to the woman. “This is Mr.Perkins. You may have seen him at Sardi’s since he is a regular. But he is also the director of the theater. He actually wrote and compose the musical I’m playing in, too.”

The young man’s face was expressionless and smooth and his black irises were gleaming only a calm indifference; like he hadn’t been caught lying and cheating, Don thought with rage. Okay, well, it wasn’t cheating. They weren’t together, but Don had made it pretty clear that he was interested. It wasn’t lying either. Leo never told him what he would do after work. He only told Don to not come. That’s doesn’t mean the young man did it on purpose, but Don was too upset by the kiss. 

Despite being mad, he turned his wrath to the woman. At least he knew this woman was ill-intentioned for sure. He glared at her. With her eyes wide and from so close, he could see the wrinkles on his face. With disgust, he realized she was more likely 60 years old than 45 years. The makeup and Sardi’s warm lightening could have helped her to cover it, but under the harsh light coming from the light pole and the hour, her true age was showing. She could be Leo’s grandmother, goddammit!

“Are you not ashamed?” Don barked to her. “He isn’t twenty-years-old! If you need to get some, rent the service of a man twenty years younger than you, not forty!”

The woman flushed and started to glance around, probably afraid that someone from her neighborhood would see her get scolded to have picked up a boy. 

“This is not the way to speak to a lady by a gentleman,” Leo protested. “I do not recognize you, Mr.Perkins. Please, apologize!”

Bewildered by Leo’s audacity to lecture him, Don snapped his head. All the stress from the previous weeks was bubbling out. Don’s mind and heart were filled by Leo for months. There no way Leo wasn’t aware of how deep Don was feeling for him. Leo must understand how hurt Don was. Even more, after he had worked and fought so hard for the young man. Don didn't have the patience anymore to play games. It what he was for the younger man? A plaything? 

“And you, what is about that you follow at home a female customer?” he shouted. "You know what she have in mind!"

Leo looked displeased with the comment.

“We are not at the Majestic’s, Mr.Perkins. What I do in my free time is not your business if it’s not affecting my performance,” he stated coldly. 

To Don’s wounded heart, that sounded like ungratefulness. After what had occurred between them, Leo should understand his resentment. It was Leo’s fault, Don decided. He had lost control earlier in the dressing room, but if Leo hadn’t kissed him first, Don would not be there, throwing a jealousy tantrum in the middle of a street at midnight.

“It this about money,” he snarled between clenched teeth. His mother’s words were now flashing in his mind. “I can give you more than this woman!” Don made a move to pull out his wallet. 

The woman uttered a small sob and Leo shielded her and Don supposed they thought he was insane enough to pull out a gun. But Leo didn't look impressed a bit, his demeanor utterly confident like he knew Don would never dare harm him. 

“Are you calling me a gigolo?” Leo asked, dangerously calm. He had to raise his chin to lock eyes with Don but from his mere 5’11, his cold anger was impressive. Don held his breath. He didn’t dare to push further but he didn’t deny it, either. “Apologize or get ready to be punched,” Leo added darkly. 

It was bad, Don realized, seeing Leo balling his fist. Don could be furious, he didn’t want to fight with the waiter. First, he would never dare to hit back. He loved Leo too much for that and besides, Don could be into weird foreplay, he didn’t have a violent bone in his body. But if Leo punched him, it would mean the end. Something Don, even upset, couldn’t accept.

“Why are you with her, then?” he asked, his voice strained with feelings. “She has a car, she didn’t need to be walked home. What is your reason to be with a woman who could be your granny at damn midnight!”

“It won’t work,” the woman added nervously before Leo could reply. “I’m sorry Leo, but I don’t want people starting to gossip. “You will have to find another place to stay!”

She rushed to her front door and disappeared in her house. The playwright was now alone with his actor. Leo didn’t prevent the lady from leaving, but his expression was moody. Suddenly, Don’s anger faded to be replaced by anguish. He didn’t dare to be the first to speak and waited, gaze lowered that Leo did.

“I can’t believe you told this poor woman such shocking things!” Leo mumbled. “Now, I have to go to the hotel. Something I couldn’t afford regularly!”

“What do you mean?” Don wondered. His heart was racing with anxieties. “Why have you to go to the hotel? What about not going to your own place?”

“My aunt kicked me out,” Leo murmured. “She went at Sardi’s when I was at the theater and she dropped this for me.” The young man motioned to the bag he was holding. Don hadn’t noticed it yet. “She puts some of my belonging there. She said she doesn’t want to see my yellow face until she died.”

Don blinked. The bag was small.

“I have two underwear kit, two pairs of sock and a shirt,” Leo explained, following Don’s gaze. “She didn’t even give me back my disc records.” He groaned, running his hand through his hair. “My manager suggested me to ask this customer. She is a widow and she has a free room with a private restroom next to it. She agreed to let me stay until the premiere for free.”

Don had listened to the explanation, speechless and feeling guilty. But the word free kicked his brain back in gear.

“For free?” he sneered. “You mean you would have to pay her with your body? It this why you pressed yourself on her? Do you realize how disgusting it is?” he exclaimed, mad again. 

“My manager promised me she wouldn’t ask more than cuddles and kisses. He knew her since she is regular since I work at the restaurant. Her husband died in WW1 and her son just died too at Midway,” Leo trailed off like it wasn’t touching him despite his words. “She needs affection.”

Don barely restrained himself from yelling than he needed affection too.

“Do your manager asked you to entice this woman for her to come trice a week at Sardi’s?” he questioned, outraged. “What a pimp!”

“Well, he told me the same about you,” Leo retorted with a taunting smirk. 

Don turned livid. Leo had played with him. The young man just admitted it without looking ashamed. 

“It is why you let me grope you in your dressing room,” he wanted to know, shaking with fury. “To lure me into Sardi’s for your manager makes money?”

If Leo dared to reply yes, it was over. Don would turn his back definitively to this stupid crush. 

“Well, I did tell you to not come at Sardi’s anymore, did I?” Leo pointed out, his onyx eyes mocking and Don stared, processing what it's implied, desperate to innocente Leo to still be allowed by his own common sense to love him. “I did do it because I wanted to draw a line between personal and professional life. I don’t need you to distract me while I’m working,” Leo said, his gaze low and a slight blush on his cheeks. Don felt his anger melt more quickly than snow in July. Leo’s virginal reserve was too endearing. Leo admitted Don could trouble him after what happened between them and I forbidden Sardi’s entry to remain professional. It was a reason Don was willing to accept. Even more, if he refused it, it would mean he has to forget about Leo. Maybe Leo didn’t realize how wrong it was because of his geisha mother. It was a misunderstanding based on cultural differences, he decided. It was so easier to stomach to think that.

“But you disobeyed,” Leo continued, frowning. “And now, because of you, I have no place to stay.”

“It’s because of the snowstorm,” Don stammered, flustered. “I didn’t want you to walk. I only wanted to give you a ride home. Because it’s very chilly outside.”

“Indeed, it’s cold,” Leo admitted with a shiver. Don glanced at him. Leo had now his hand into his pocket and was looking like he was freezing. Like an idiot, Don had kept him in the cold.

“Get in my car,” Don exclaimed. “It’s would be warmer.”

The waiter didn’t resist and walked with Don to the car in silence. He ignited the car, his heart pounding. Somewhere the anger about how easily Leo was kissing the woman still lingered, but the feeling of victory roared louder. Leo wasn’t in this woman’s apartment but into his car. He cursed himself to be so weak about the young man but could refrain the bliss he also feels to be next to his beloved.

“Yes, I think I would take a drive to a motel. Just drive me to the cheapest you can find,” Leo sighed. “I hope it wouldn’t have too many bed bugs.” 

Don didn’t even think.

“Come to my place,” he suggested. “This is the less I could do. It’s small but lively and well lightened. I have it painted with the whole new furniture, last August.”

Leo cast on him a dark look.

“Would have I to pay you with my body?”

Don bits his lips, unsure how to answer that. He could retort that if Leo was ready to cuddle and kiss an old lady, he could do the same for him. But it would make Don having an ulterior motive. He said it was disgusting from Leo to pay a shelter with his affection, so he couldn’t ask the same. Anyway, Don hoped he wasn’t desperate enough to have to pay for Leo’s love. He hoped to win the genuine love of the young man by his dedication and that Leo’s display of affection would come naturally and not for paying his rent. 

“No,” Don finally replied. “There no time limit, either. Stay at my place as it pleases you. Meals are offered as well.” He took a pause and turned to the other man. Leo would maybe not like what he was about to say, but he would tell it anyway. “I will take care of your needs, but I don’t want you to work at Sardi’s anymore.”

As he had expected, Leo protested. Don moved the car, driving to his home. While Leo was objecting, he stared at the road, musing what he could do to make Leo understand and quit his job. 

“Your manager is a bad influence for you! I don’t want him to give you pernicious advice,” the playwright replied gloomily, taking a sharp turn.” What he asks from you it’s too close from prostitution for my liking.”

“I told you my mother needs me!” Leo exclaimed. “This job is the best a half-Japs like me could expect!”

Don hit his steering wheel.

“I give you much more than him by this musical!” he snapped. “On the back seat, I have the whole second one written and composed.” He glared at the actor. “With two hits in one year on Broadway, your career would be launched! Then, I will do you a third and you will become famous. Maybe Hollywood would even want to do a movie from it. You will be mesmerizing on a big screen.”

Never before Don had thought about Hollywood, but he wanted Leo to get that it would be much more advantageous for the young actor to stay by his director’s side than bring some plates to customers. 

Indeed, he felt a change in Leo’s stance. Leo's interest was baited.

“I don’t want to be a bother and I also don’t want to be called a gigolo again,” Leo declared. “So, I can’t accept your offer. I accept my actor’s salary, but I don’t want to be paid when I’m doing nothing for that. I need a job and for me, it would be quite difficult.”

Indeed, Leo had only a high school degree, but Don knew it wasn’t the problem. Leo’s ethnicity was. It was also true that Don couldn’t ask Leo to quit his job if he hadn’t something to propose a replacement for the money loss. 

“What about modeling? I know someone from Reliance Manufactury,” Don suggested, thinking back of Wilson’s proposition. But he wasn’t sure how he felt to let Leo out of his sigh. At another place, Leo could get flirted with by a man or a woman or again manipulated to bait other naive people. Don preferred that Leo rely on him, only. He needed to convince Leo before they reach his place. “They could use you in the company’s ads. And well, maybe you don’t know, but I’m also an artist, in my free time. I love photography but also sketching. If you accept to be my model, I will pay you $45 a week. I know it could be a little less than Sardi’s but I also feed and drive you,” Don added quickly. “Besides, it would be less than two hours a day of work. You will be less tired.”

Before making the proposition, Don had calculated. He couldn’t hire a prostitute with Leo there. Even if Leo refused to have sex with him, Don would respect the young man too much to bring a sex partner at home or leave him alone. This and the fact he wouldn’t have to eat so many times at Sardi’s anymore would save him money. Besides his director’s income, he was the owner of two buildings. His mother was collecting the rent from three buildings. When they had slipped his father’s legacy like that, Don hadn’t protested. He was feeling too guilty to maybe be the person responsible for his dad’s fatal stroke. But now, it was pissing him off. His mother had inherited from his father’s money. She could make him the owner of the third or at least share in half. Buty after the argument they have, Don couldn’t ask her to change her properties titles. Perhaps, he was stingy and everything would be alright, he tried to reassure himself. If not, he knew people lending money. He preferred to ow money to the mob than Leo seeling his body.

Leo didn’t reply, staring contemplatively at the outside from the car window. He looked pale and tired and Don felt terrible to have such serious discussion while Leo was exhausted from his long day of work and probably still chilly

“This coat is too light for the winter and you don’t have gloves. Tomorrow, if you allow me,” Don continued respectfully. “I will buy you a better winter outfit and also, some clothes since your aunt left you with so few clothes.”  
“I wish one day I would be able to have my own place,” Leo sighed again and Don felt hurt. What was he offered wasn’t good enough for Leo? “I don’t want to sound ungrateful to you, but it weighs on my pride to depend on others.” 

“I assure you, it’s my pleasure,” Don exclaimed too quickly. He cursed under his breath. He didn’t want Leo to think he did it in the hope of getting sex. He had to show his intention to help Leo out was pure. Suddenly, an idea came to him. “Maybe you don’t know, but I’m the landlord of the building. I have a leaseholder who didn’t pay his rent. I told him if he doesn’t pay before the end of the year, I will kick him out. You could move in his place.” What Don suggested meant it wasn’t another rent he wouldn’t collect. “But it’s maybe not nice enough for you. My mother is living on the top floor. I think she could move soon. Then, you can have my apartment and I will move to my mother’s.”

It was a lie. Don's mother had never spoken about moving, but maybe she will, now that he had show her his true colors.

“I didn’t know you were the landlord from your place,” Leo murmured. “You are an amazing man to manage so many responsibilities.”

Don blushed, pleased with the praise.

“We are there,” he announced happily. Leo didn’t explicitly commit to anything, but Don couldn’t help but be delirious with glee. 

Leo examined the building, but with the snow and the night, there was nothing much to check.

As gentlemanly as Leo did earlier with the woman, Don opened the passenger door and led the way to the front door, letting Leo walk in the first. Don felt butterflies in his stomach. He hoped Leo would find his place good enough. But the worries were nothing in comparison to his ecstasy to have managed to drag Leo there. The Front desk receptionist nodded to Don a little stiffly and the landlord could guess what was on his employee mind. It wasn’t the first time Don brought a man home and the man disapproved of his lifestyle. He needed to make it clear that Leo wasn’t the same as the other guys. 

“Joseph, this is Leo,” he announced, his voice clipped. “He will live among us. He is an actor from a show I’m directing and he had some family trouble. I want you to treat him as my guest.”

With anxieties, Don had waited to see if Leo would raise an objection, but the young man stayed silent. 

Without waiting for his employee’s reply, Don continued to the elevator. 

“I live on the first floor,” he explained, trembling with nerves. He had to refrain from being too excited. What if Leo changed his mind? He didn’t voice it until now, but Don had only one bedroom. With the two twin mattresses together, it was making a very huge bed, but Leo could have reservations after what had occurred between them. “There a laundry room on the ground floor.”

They were now on Don’s floor and Leo nodded but stayed silent and Don couldn’t help but think that the young man had looked more eager to live at the old lady’s. Don unlocked his apartment door but didn’t push the door open yet.

“I won’t touch you,” Don blurted out. Of course, Leo was wary of staying with him and to get raped. Don had offered him money and to do modeling and he could admit it sounded suspicious. If he had to be entirely honest, he hoped that living together would get Leo used to him. “You told me you wanted to be wooed and if it’s something you still want, I will do it without stepping over the boundaries of a roommate,” Don explained. Indeed, it was this revelation from the young man and the kiss that made Don raise his hopes. If Leo never did, Don would have stayed content into his unrequited love. Thinking of that made him remember he still didn’t confess his feelings properly. A hall wasn’t the place to do it and he motioned to Leo to step in, anxious to know if Leo would.

Fearlessly Leo walked in the living room. It was the spacious room of the apartment, with a view on the street that Don had remade in a more contemporary style. When he had got rid of his family heavy wooden furniture, his mother had made a scene, exclaiming than new furniture was cheap and Don was getting rid of something more worthy. But Don felt more at ease with a wider space with pieces of furniture he had chosen and pay with his money. 

“This is the living room,” he said like it wasn’t obvious. “I will show you around.”

The linoleum in the kitchen was new too as well as the appliance and Don blessed his habit to live in a spotless apartment. He wondered a brief moment about Leo’s own habit. He didn’t know so well the young man, but since his toes and underwear were neat, Don supposed it would be fine. 

He showed him the dining room and the bathroom and with a pounding heart, he stopped on the step of his bedroom. Until now, Leo had stayed silent, following him as a ghost, expressionless and Don was getting worried. His anxieties had grown by minute they were getting closer to his bedroom “This is the bedroom. I have only one. If you feel the sightless uneasiness to sleep in the same bed as me, I will sleep on the couch.”

“The bed seems wide enough for us to not be cramped,” Leo said, his voice flat and despite the acceptance, Don felt his heart sank in front of such a lack of enthusiasm. But of course, Leo wasn’t. “I don’t want you to change your habits. I’m grateful, really to have a precious friend like you”  
  
“I love you.” The words had left his mouth despite himself. Today he had decided to stop holding back and pretend obviously. Seeing the almond-shaped eyes staring at him, Don tried to be more explicit. “I’m in love with you for quite a while. I bet you have noticed since your manager did,” he chuckled with embarrassment. What a dumb way to confess such deep feelings. “I fell for you not only because you are beautiful, but your story stirred me. I wrote the play only for you to allow you to succeed because you are talented and a hard-worker. You deserve to realize your dreams,” Don continued, his voice filled with passion. “I didn’t plan to tell you, at first to not disgust you, because you know, I love men,” he finished with a flush. “I mean I’m attracted to men but what I feel for you isn’t the same,” he corrected. “I never feel this way for anybody. This is why I blew a fuse with the old lady. I was jealous,” he finished miserably.

“I see.” Leo’s face shows no surprise either emotion. “You still called me a gigolo,” he grumbled, his arm folded.

Flustered, Don tried to justify himself.

“I have a huge fight with my mother and well, I don’t want to talk about that,” Don explained rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment. He couldn’t tell Leo was it was about.” She figured out my feelings for you and scolded me, because as you could believe she would rather see me fall for an actress.”

“Showing feelings is exposing a weakness,” Leo seemed to quote and Don wondered who could have taught such a weird thing to a man obviously made to be loved. A tense silence stretched.

“Let say I was mad and upset because of this and I vent on you and I deeply apologize for this. You kicked my ass,” he tried to joke.

“I’m trained to martial ar since I was a toddler. My mother wanted me to be able to defend myself. She makes me promise to continue to train and my father to find me a teacher. This is the only good thing he has ever done for me,” he sneered. “I train trice a week.”

“You said I was amazing to manage to do so much, but you are quite impressive yourself. How do you manage to train in addition to work and studies?” Don questioned.

“Well, I neglected the Dojo since the rehearse started, but if you said I would not have to work anymore, I guess I could continue my training,” Leo murmured. “Can we talk about this tomorrow. I’m worn out.”

With slove movement, Leo started to strip and to Don’s shock, he even removed his briefs. 

“They are dirty,” Leo explained matter-of-factly, “because you got me aroused. The others are as well. They need to be washed first thing tomorrow.” Don didn’t even flinch from being spoken like he was Leo’s servant. His brain had stopped to function after the word aroused. So Leo had been reactive to his touch to the point he admitted it. It wasn’t a love confession, but Don was as hot as it was. Well, it was also because Leo was standing fully naked in his bedroom. He tried to not stare and failed quite a bit. Leo’s nipples were the cutest hue of pink he had ever seen, from the same blush than a maiden cheek. His built was very nice, all in long, firm muscle. Don didn’t dare to look down further. 

Leo turned his back to Don, to crawl on the bed, giving the playwright the full view of his rear and Don’s mouth grew dry with desire. He balled his fist to remember to resist the attraction. He didn’t want to scare the young man off.

“Good night,” Leo murmured, laying on the edge of the bed, facing the window and from the soft breathing, Don realized the actor was already asleep. He must have been drained and Don felt a pinch of guilt. Leo didn’t take Pervitin to boost his energy as Don do. 

He undressed the more silently he could to not disturb Leo’s sleep and he lay down to the other side of the bed. He stayed a while staring at the ceiling, listening to the other man quiet breathing, reflecting on the day’s event. He had poured his feelings to Leo and the former waiter was in his bed, but the actor remained still a mystery. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated chapter for Leo's Challenge-Free Day

He didn’t sleep. Or, if Don did, he dreamed he was awake, gazing with admiration to the man asleep next to him. Leo was there, naked, something Don wouldn’t dare to hope a few weeks ago.

Even more, Leo wasn’t going anywhere, anytime soon. 

They were... roommates.

Well, Leo was a roommate who wouldn’t have to pay his share, neither would do any chores. Don wouldn’t treat the young man as poorly as Leo’s aunt did. Because if she changed her mind, Leo wouldn’t hesitate to stay with him. 

He must remain Leo’s better option. 

It was 7:00 and by his soothing breathing, Don could tell Leo was deeply asleep. Don couldn’t get enough to take in detail of the pure profile, making many poetic comparisons in his mind about Leo’s nose, lips, skin. His cheek’s skin was smooth, needing no shave, as velvety as peach, and he struggled hard with himself, to not touch it to feel if a beard was about to come.

He couldn’t touch himself, either, even if the pressure in his balls hurt. Not with Leo sleeping so innocently at his side, the vanilla hue of his skin turning golden in the sunbeam. Not after having been scared so much. Don had almost lost Leo to have made a move too bold, too fast. He had learned from his mistakes.

Don needed a cold shower and to prepare breakfasts.

Before to turn the cold water on full blast, Don gave a few hard pulls on his dick before hitting orgasm. It took him hard and he leaned his forehead on the shower wall, biting his lip to muffle his cry. The playwright stared bitterly at his cum, going down the drain. He was pathetic. And even more, a pathetic guy in trouble. How would he hold back, living next to his crush? Lately, Leo sent him so many mixed-signal that he wasn’t sure how to behave anymore with the young man. Now, he was in the open, at least. He had confessed his feelings properly. There was no place for misunderstanding. How Leo would act today? The day before, he had been too tired to give Don an answer. Thinking of all the possible answer Leo could give him from “You’re a disgusting pervert homo” to “I think I’m in love with you, too” was knotting his stomach with anxieties. 

To drive himself crazy with that was pointless. He would know soon enough, he decided. The important thing, for now, was to make Leo feels comfortable. 

What did Leo like to eat in the morning, he wondered, under the cold spray. He hadn’t planned to have him over. Moreover, Don never did a huge grocery. He was having dinner at Sardi’s and most of his lunch was also outside. He was always too busy with his work to eat. He knew for sure he had some raspberry jam jar. Toast could be a commoner breakfast, but Leo wasn’t the kind of guy who complained. 

“Have you room in there for two?”

Startled, Don snapped his eyes to the newcomer’s voice. He had been so caught up in his thought that he hadn’t heard Leo before he had stepped into the shower.

Don didn’t answer; he couldn’t. He just took a huge step backward to let Leo some room and to put some distance between him and the temptation. He barely stared, but he had time to catch some glimpses from Leo’s groin. 

“It’s more convenient to be two. This way, you can help me wash my back,” Leo declared, unbothered by the fact they were cramped and naked. He has his back to Donnie, obviously wanting to be washed and Don felt as a wolf locked up with a lamb. How Leo could ask him such a thing, knowing Don loved- and lusted- for him? How could he be so confident? 

“Let me turn on the hot water to get it warmer,” Don stammered, stretching his hand without touching the body so close. 

“No need, I’m used to cold water,” Leo said. “In my childhood village, I washed with cold water before entering in a hot bath.”

“Tell me more about it,” Don murmured. The chatting would keep him focused. “About customs in your country, I mean. I love to learn.”

While the young man was talking, Don started to rub Leo with the bar soap, trying to do it as dispassionately that if it was his own body, but every now and then, he slowed his washing duty to stare at a new detail he discovered. Leo had a mole on his left hip and he couldn’t help but brush it lovingly with his thumb. He decided the mole was the limit; down there, he couldn’t go except if he had a formal invitation to do so.

“I’m all done with your back,” he mumbled, handing Leo the soap. “I will let you finish.”

Before he could slip out the shower, Leo turned, blocking the way with his elongated arm. 

They were facing each other, now.

“Were you curious about my half Japs body?” Leo asked, his chin raised and with a sneer. The water was giving to his raven hair some highlights almost blue. A droplet ran from his nose to his cupid arrow, to die on his lips and Don struggled to stay still. “You didn’t look at it.”

Don was lost for word. What was he supposed to reply to that? Indeed, he had been curious, but it wasn’t with an inappropriate curiosity. The playwright had longed to see it out of love and admiration. It was like if a Michelangelo statue had been covered partly with a blanket. Of course, he wanted to pull it to see the masterpiece in all its perfection. But it wasn’t because Leo was half Japanese. It was because of his entire self.

“I will look at it when you model for me,” Don replied in an embarrassed mutter. “And even at these moments, I will try my best to remain professional,” he added with a choked voice. 

Leo pouted a little, like he was disappointed by Don’s self-restraint. Amazingly, his pout was even more enticing than his Mona Lisa half-smile. The lips had the appeal of ripe plum, as fleshy and from a deep, dark pink. This pout beckoned to be kissed away. Gently but firmly, Don grabbed Leo’s arm to leave the shower. He had no idea what games Leo was playing, but Don needed to cool down. The cold water had given him the opposite effect than expected. Leo, by his mere presence, was flaring up his blood.

“I’m going to make some coffee and breakfast. Does toast with jam is fine with you?” the playwright asked, whipping himself dry with a burgundy towel he had snapped without looking at the one he spoke to. He tried to hide the best he could from the other man in the shower. Don knew he wasn’t ugly. His body was slender and pale, with no muscle at all and he was self-conscious about how plain he looked, but Donnie knew he wasn’t looking bad. But his main concern was to hide his unmissable swollen cock while he slipped in his pants at the moment. 

“Can we have croissant?” Leo suggested before he left the bathroom. “I crave them for a week and they sell some just across your street.”

Don nodded stiffly. Leo could have any fancy craving he wants if that means Don could get away from the shower. He finished to dress up and ran to the shop across hi street after having snatched his coat. 

He bought four croissants, not sure about how Leo was hungry. For him, he would be barely able to take a bit, too anxious. On his way back to his apartment, he tried to compose himself. For this to work, Leo must be unbothered by Don’s too deep passion. If things turned uneasy with them, because Don acted too much like a lovestruck creep, Leo would never love him back.

“I’m back,” he said when he pushed open his door. For one moment, seeing no one, he was almost afraid Leo used the opportunity to run away. He walked to the kitchen nervously to see Leo wrapped in Don’s burgundy bathrobe, sipping coffee at the kitchen table. The young man was obviously naked under and Don swore to never rewash this bathrobe. 

“There some coffee left,” Leo said as a greeting, stretching his arm idly to take the croissant bag Don clutched. “Do you bring back the newspaper?”

“No,” Don replied, feeling so relieved that Leo was still in his apartment he couldn’t answer further. 

“I always read the newspaper in the morning,” Leo stated casually. “It’s good to stay informed.”

“Indeed,” Don dropped, hating himself to not have thought about it. Now, he looked like an ignorant moron. “I can go back and bring it to you,” he proposed eagerly. A part of his brain warned him he was acting like a lap dog, but Don chased the thought away. Leo’s ask was reasonable. He enjoyed reading himself.

“No need.” Leo took a bite of his croissant. “They are fresh. Thank you,” he said graciously and Don melted in front of Leo’s indulgent smile. It was the one from a Queen to a good servant. “Give me the new play you wrote for me. It will do as morning reading.”

Enthusiastically, Don handed him the new play.

“This is about a man who is found unconscious on a Hawaiian beach.” Don started but Leo motioned him to shut up and he did, more obedient than was he was a child. While Leo was reading in silence, Don took some coffee from the percolator to look like he wasn’t nervous at all, when he felt more insecure in front of the young actor than he was in front of any big-shot producer.

“I don’t mind to be stuck into foreigner role, by the way, if you were feeling bad about it,” Leo casually said, flipping through the play. “So, tell me what the plans for today are? Whatever it pleases you or not, I will work tonight. I owe my manager some respect and if I have to resign, I want to give him a reasonable delay. Anyway, I think we can settle for me to at least work two days a week. Friday and Saturday are the busiest days. You don’t have to be jealous since you are eating at Sardi’s watching my every move,” Leo stated and Don flushed hard. “As you said, I will be less tired and can train like I used to but I will still have a safe alternative at Sardi’s if the things don’t work as we wish. And I will do modeling, but for you, only. It’s a good compromise.”

Leo had spoken like he was the one in charge and Don was lost for word. He almost forgot he had offered a modeling job to Leo.  
It was indeed a compromise and the modeling for him only seemed a kind of reward.

“As I told you, you need some clothes,” Don said slowly. He would not promise too much. He had offered money to Leo already for the modeling part and have to be careful. Leo needed to get the strict minimum to last until his paycheck. Suddenly, he had an idea. He will go to Leo’s aunt. Why paying when he could get Leo’s belonging? The woman must have not to get rid of all of them yet. Then, Don would only have to buy a few items to not look stingy and Leo would be alright. “I need to do some errands too. I didn’t expect any guests. I will buy some food to make some nice meals.”

Leo smiled and squeezed Don’s hand. 

“I bless the first day you entered at Sardi’s and we met.” The young man cast on him a warm gaze and Dom felt butterflies is in stomach. “It would be best for me to be free in the afternoon to hit the Dojo. If you want, I can model for you this morning before you leave for your errands.”

Don nodded stiffly. 

“How do you want to do it,” Leo asked, stretching while he stood up. “You want me on the bed?Naked?”

On the bed. Naked. Don’s imagination went wild with these few words. But Leo looked unbothered like he didn’t see anything wrong with the fact to be displayed on the bed of the guy he knew he was in love with him.

“It could be more comfortable for you,” the director stammered.

Leo walked with great strides to the bedroom and without any hesitation, he let the bathrobe slid to the ground, unveiling his perfect naked body. Don ogled the toned ass and the hips. Those hips were made to be grabbed while being pounded into and the playwright swallowed heavily. 

To not stare for Donnie nor fantasizing was impossible. Leo put himself on the fours, stretching his body again like a cat, totally paying no mind at the effect it could have on Don. 

“Are you not going to pick your sketchbook?” Leo asked and Don’s mind went blank for a moment, having forgotten what he was supposed to do.

Finally, he pulled from a drawer of his desk a sketchbook. There were some sketches in it, already. From memory, Don has sketched Leo over and over in the last months. He turned the pages nervously until a new one, hoping Leo would never know how pathetically in love he was. Showing feelings was a weakness, the waiter had told him the night before. Don was already weak enough, he didn’t need Leo to get a worse opinion from him.

“How do you want me to pose?” Leo asked again and Don kicked himself mentally. He needed to pull himself together quickly to look professional.

“As you wish, it’s only for practice, a little warm-up,” he replied with a clipped tone. To be warm, he was warm, he thought, sitting stiffly, his sketchbook on his lap. 

“Are you cold?” he asked. His gaze zeroed in on Leo’s hardened nipples, trying to not picture sucking on this until they got swollen.

Leo was lying on the side, his chin in his hand, staying still while Don’s hand sketched nervously Leo's figure. He didn’t need this gasoline to his passion, he reflected. He offered this so-called job to Leo in last resort, influenced by jealousy. If Leo had to be intimate with someone, better him than someone else. But he was struggling hard to not over cross boundaries already. Why was he doing this to himself?

“I’m not, thank you,” Leo murmured.

“What did you mean by courting?” Don blurted out. It wasn’t the time to ask that and so bluntly, when Leo was at his mercy, naked on his bed, but the question was burning Don’s lips for a while. It was like he couldn’t control his body and his tongue at the same time. “You know I love you. I swear I’m serious about you,” he pleaded. By now, Leo should have figured it out. “What I have to do to prove myself to you?”

Don didn’t mean to sound so desperate and needy, but he couldn’t help himself. The onyx pearl-like eyes glanced at him without Leo’s features moved a single bit.

“To be patient,” Leo replied softly. “You take what I’m willing to give, waiting I offer you more by myself.”

It was sensible and Don paused his pencil a moment.

“What am I to you? I mean, besides your boss?” he asked despite his anguish. He couldn’t help but feel like he was some kind of sugar daddy. He gave Leo a role and now, he was a freeloader at his place to who he would buy clothes and provide a salary. He knew he was the one insisting, because he loved Leo and wanted to be loved back, but still, instinct screamed at him that’s something was wrong. Again, he waited with a pounding heart that Leo gives him some validation. 

“You are the most important person in my life, right now, after my mother,” Leo said with one of his half-smile, like he knew he just made a critical hit with that very vague answer. Indeed, a heat crept into Don, making his cheek burn with happiness. “I’m very affectionate with people I like. I hope you would not mind,” Leo added. “But I’m not ready to be in neither a romantic or sexual relationship. Maybe when…” The young man hesitated, searching his words and Don waited anxiously. “When my life would be less troubled, more stable. Look at me, I don’t even have my own place and I can’t support my own mother! You ask me to drop my job and offered something else, but I have no guarantee you won’t get sick of me. I need to know you better and be sure to have a future. I can’t open my heart fully to you in my precarious condition. But meanwhile, we can be friends.”

In a quick move, Don kneeled next to the bed.

“I swear, I won’t grow sick of you! Besides, this musical will be a success. And as I told you, I can…”

Leo draws back a little and Don realized he had squeezed very hard Leo’s hand in his enthusiasm.

“You don’t know me, do you? Maybe there some side of me you would not like,” he pointed out. It was rational again, but Don’s passion was burning too deep to hear a sensible argument. “Also, you can be talented, you can’t foresee the future.”

“So, when you will reach success, get $100,000 in saving, your own car and have your caricature at Sardi’s you will consider being mine?” Don snarled. Again, he didn’t mean to sound so aggressive. Leo turned dark.

“Let’s not exaggerating. When I would be less worried about my future,” the young actor replied coldly. If you are not happy with that, I can leave, right now. I told you you were important to me and I wanted to know you better and my life settle a bit. It’s for you those are unreasonable demands, I will beg my aunt on my knee to take me back and that’s it.”

Leo stood up and Don cling to the other man legs before Leo could make a single step.

“Please don’t go!” he cried out, in a blind panic. Leo’s words just reached him. Indeed, what Leo just said was common sense. Donnie was the one too impatient and greedy. “I’m sorry! I love you so much, for so long, and I’m so stressed out and lonely, it’s hurt!” he pleaded. “Please, forgive me. You’re right. I’m willing to take you what you can give to me and be content with it.”

Don was so soul crushed by the idea Leo could walk away and leave forever, he didn’t even glance up, sobbing on the floor, clinging at the younger man like a lifeline. But he felt like resurrecting when he felt a cold hand brushing kindly his hair.

“Show me your drawing,” Leo asked with a soft voice. 

“It’s barely a sketch,” Don protested, but he handed the sketchbook anyway. 

“It’s good,” Leo decided after having glanced at it, approval in his eyes. But then, to Don’s dismay, he skimmed the other pages, looking with his half-smile all the sketch with him as a model. But Don was still too anxious that Leo would leave to blow a fuse about Leo being nosy neither to feel shame to have his obsessive love unveiled to his beloved. 

“You seem to like to draw me,” Leo commented. “And you are great. It’s a shame you can’t make money with those.”

“In fact, I can,” Don replied and he snatched the sketchbook. He was feeling raw and flustered. “If I wanted to do. I know a few people who could be interested to buy drawings from a handsome naked man. But I do not need that much money that I have to sell my privacy. I’m drawing to not lose my skills, not to make a living.”

  
“I mean, your talent needs a reward,” Leo said. His voice had dropped a hitch, getting to a low-sensual tonality. “I told you I can’t be your boyfriend or lover, right now, but I’m not opposed to doing some warm-up to heat the things between us in the prospect we push our relationship further in the future. We are roommates, now. I don’t want things to get awkward between us. I don’t want you to be brooding bitterly, neither.” Leo lay back on the bed, flashing a smile. “I liked your touch last time, even if you were too bold. What about you touch me, but only with your lips or tongue? No hands.”

Don’s blood pressure reached a peak, hearing the permission. But very obedient, he crossed his hands on his back.

“I can touch you anywhere with my lips and my tongue?” he repeated to be sure.

Leo nodded.

“You can. But fair warning, cross the line and land a finger on me and I break it,” the actor said with a gleam of threat in his black eyes. “I’m the one in control. Got it?”

“Of course,” Don exclaimed, not even hesitating despite Leo’s harsh warning wasn’t fitting with the mood the young man pretended to be. The only thing on his mind was he had a feast in front of him and he was a starving man. Donnie had no idea what he wanted to devour at first. He glanced expectancy at Leo’s mouth.

“Climb your way up,” Leo said, waving his foot and respectfully, Don kiss it with more fervor than a believer could do at Easter for the Pope. He noted Leo’s shiver and encouraged, he pushed further, sucking on the toe and licking the sole, his hands still crossed in his back. While worshipping Leo’s feet, he checked the other man’s cock. He had a very good view of it now. Leo’s length flesh was from a very pale pink and it was slender, about 5,5 inches since it wasn’t swollen yet. It was the reason he stared at it and Leo’s face, monitoring every reaction his partner could have. If Leo gets hard before Don’s mouth get to his groin, it was an excellent sign, he decided.

Leo was biting down his moans, letting out only very cut, strangled whimpers while Don kissed the inner side of his knee. To give him better access, since he wasn’t allowed to use his hands, Leo had to spread his legs widely. Don tried to not get distracted by the puckered hole winking at him. If he stared at it, he would come rushed and sloppy and perhaps get carried away to the point of touching. He had to keep in mind touching, with his hand-or dick-,was prohibited.

Don licked his way up, nibbling lovingly at Leo’s inner thigh, until he reached this spot. There was a minute or two of awkwardness as Donnie worked to make space for himself without using his hands until he was settled between the other man’s legs. He had managed it, he thought, with a hint of dizziness. He was at one inch of Leo now hard cock and the handsome face of the waiter had a ravishing blush.

He pressed his face to Leo’s private part, nuzzling the soft, delicate skin of balls with his lips and nose. The pink was darker there, easy to tease because of the lack of hair. He breathed in his musky, spicy foreign scent. There was still the lingering smell of cedar soap and turned on, he darted his tongue out to trace the mottled seam of Leo’s balls and the heart fluttering with pride, he heard Leo’s breath hitch. Gratified, he went to work nuzzling, kissing, and sucking every piece of tender flesh he could get his mouth on.

Pleasure coursed through the director’s body and pulsated in his pants while Leo shifted on the bed. The smell of Leo’s cock stiffened Don’s cock, trapped painfully into his pants and he could feel the precum damping the fabric. Don moaned his approval loudly, when Leo rocked his hips to press himself so close on Don’s face that Leo’s groin hair was entering his nose and mouth and he was dizzy by the lack of air, the intoxicating smell and the arousal. His lover was aroused too, his brain warned him and he lapped gingerly the young actor’s puckered entrance. Maybe Leo’s self-restraint will snap and hurry his surrender, Don boldly darted his tongue into Leo’s hole, going as far as he could cursing the tongue didn’t have any bone.

The waiter was tight and again, excitement about Leo’s virginity bubbled to his head. He licked and licked, changing angles and speed, but he couldn’t give Leo too much pleasure with only his mouth and so, he turned his attention on Leo’s bouncy hard cock. He took it in mouth, the less awkward he could without using his hands and started sucking with passion on it. 

Don ignored the ache in his balls that had him desperate and also the one from his twisted shoulders, to focus instead on the heat of Leo’s cock filling his mouth. He looked up at his partner to see his eyes were rolled back, his lips parted and the blush on his face had turned deeper. A rush of heat and pride ran through Don. He had opened to Leo the door of gay pleasure.

Playing with the slit of Leo’s cock, he felt the precum leaking from it, and he drank it all, sucking on it to get more and a seizure seemed to took the waiter. He was about to cum, Don realized his eyes shining and fire ran through his vein. 

“Stop,” Leo choked but there was no way Don would stop when he was about to get his beloved to fall over the edge. His precum was ticker now and saltier and it was like he was drunk by it. But when Leo shouted a second warning and shoved his head away, Don knew better than insist. He gazed with surprised eyes to the young man, as stunned as a dog kicked for no reason by his master. 

Leo’s eyes were glazed with pleasure and his breathing labored. How close he had been was obvious and Don was confused as fuck. Why did Leo want to stop? The director was now so horny it was painful to hold back and if he managed to do it was only out of pure adoration.

“You can jerk off,” Leo said, catching his breath. “I don’t mind you do it next to me.”

Don was still flabbergasted, but it was still a relief. The arousal had built up in him to a too high level. He needed an outlet.

Kneeling next to his bed, he unzipped his pants and pulled his pulsating cock out. He started to masturbate, giving hard pulls on his shaft, his eyes locked into Leo’s. The waiter was smiling but for once, his eyes were too. The young man was feeling pleasure to see Don obediently jacking off on the ground and the director wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or not. That means Leo was kinkier than he thought and they could be a good match in bed, but that also means seducing him will be hard. He would muse about it at another time because the only thing he needed, for now, was to rip an overdue climax from himself.

He came shamefully fast, shooting his load into his palm, his forehead leaning on Leo’s shoulder. He was drained much more that if he had full sexual intercourse with three men. The waiter gently patted his head.

“I will let you take a shower first since you have errands to do,” Leo said with a yawn. His cock was flaccid again and the arousal had faded. “I think I will take a nap. You were right. I overworked myself lately. I need to be in great shape at the Dojo.”

A few minutes later, Leo was snoring softly and Don had no choice than stand up and wash. He stared back and fork at his sticky with cum hand and Leo’s peaceful sleeping face. What had happened, he couldn’t help but wonder. Bewildered, he noted it was not even 11:00 am and he felt like too many events occurred in a too short time. 

In the shower, the realization took him. He had sucked on Leo’s dick and eaten his ass. He didn't get to kiss him nor suck on his nipples, but he should stop being greedy. It was more than what he worth. He turned the water at cold full blast. He didn’t need to get horny again when he had so much errand to do and doesn’t want to let Leo alone. What if Leo needs anything or if he is just too disgusted with Don and left? But Leo hadn't seemed to mind Don's wicked fantasies, but it was probably because he didn't find out yet Don was used to tying up male prostitutes. 

Before leaving, he bent over the sleeping form to give a peck on Leo’s jet-black hair. The young man stirred but didn’t wake up and his beauty shook Don as hard as the first time. He rushed outside before getting tempted to grope the sleeping man and decided that the first place to stop by was at this bitch of Leo’s aunt

The ride wasn’t long and ten minutes later it was in front of the place. He knocked politely and prepared his speech. He only wanted Leo’s clothes and also his records the young man seemed to miss so much. He would take an inventory of it and buy what was missing for Leo to be at ease at his place. Don at this moment, had the money in the back of his mind. For the pleasure Leo gave him, he could spend a little.

A woman with red, swollen eyes opened the door and Don was seized. The woman looked to be in her late thirties and was pretty, with her ginger hair. He hadn’t pictured Leo’s aunt like that.  
“What is it?” she asked angrily, visibly upset and there was no misunderstanding possible. It was the same voice he had heard before. Don removed his hat. He disliked this woman, but needed to act like a gentleman.

“Are you Ms. Hunter?” he asked politely. At the name, she burst in tears.

“What this jerk did again?” she cried with a hint of an Irish accent. “I kicked him out! I don’t want his half-Japs ass in my house again!”

A grimace twisted Don’s features. 

“Could you please have more respect for your nephew, Ms. Hunter,” he replied, cold anger lacing his voice.

The woman's face expressed shock when she repeated Don’s words.

“My nephew? I have no nephew! Even less a half-Japs one! And my name isn’t Hunter! My name is April O’Neil!”

Don was taken aback. What that’s mean? Leo had said her aunt was living here.

“I’m sorry, maybe I’m at the wrong place,” he stammered, confused. He was sure he was at the right one, but perhaps in the dark, he had mistaken it and it was the next door. But she knew a half-Japanese called Hunter. She even said she kicked him out.

“Do you know a man called Leonard Hunter? He is about to turn twenty-years-old and, indeed, he is…”

“I know this filthy bastard and I kicked him out,” she snapped, tears running on her face, leaving trails of makeup. “I was done he eats my war widow pension and lies to me with his silvered tongue of his.” She sobbed loudly and Don just stared, speechless. “I know, I should have known better than get a Japanese and a teen as my boyfriend, but since my husband died three years ago, everything has gone downhill…He was a major and he died at Midway. My poor Casey...”

The word kicked Don in the guts.

“He was your boyfriend?” he asked incredulous, while every mention Leo made about his aunt, such a stern and strict old woman played in his head.

“I kicked him out!” she yelled, his blue eyes flashing with anger and Don smelled a draft of Bourbon in the woman's breathe. She was upset, Don realized because she broke up with Leo, this male Snow White who was sleeping peacefully in his bedroom.

“Why?” he murmured weakly, still stunned by this unexpected blow.

“Because he is a lying, cheating son of a bitch!” she growled. It wasn’t a lady language, but she was mad and drunk, and anyway, Don was too shocked to care. “He told me he had been hired in a musical and this is why he had even less time than usual, but I knew better. He must have landed his eyes on another woman, a richer one!” A tremor ran through her body. “I know he get flirted at his job! He has everyone he wants wrapped around his little finger, the little snake! He managed to bait a bigger fish than me! This is why he didn't mind I kicked him out. He knew another rich woman would take him in and so, we were over. This rich woman must be all over him and his skilled tongue! If he got a role in a musical, it probably because he did his flirting routine with her as he did for me and she run tail for him! But she would find out how tricked she had been when she would figure Leo loves nobody, except his damn whore of a mother!"

She pulled out a handkerchief and blew in it and Don grabbed the stair railing to not fall. There was no mistake. It was Leo and he, he was ...the richer woman.

“What did you want?” she asked, suddenly remembering why she was confiding to a stranger. “What he did again? If he apologizes, I’m ready to forgive him,”she added eagerly.

Don didn’t reply. He turned his back and climbed down the stair to go back home.


	9. Chapter 9

For about fifteen minutes, Don has a nervous breakdown. He cried all the tears of his body, bitting his fist and hitting his steering wheel while cursing. The director was so shocked and upset that the indignation to had been played took a moment to sink in. But when the realization took him entirely about how cheated he had been, Don turned mad and he ignited the engine. 

Anger clouded his vision to the point Donnie didn’t even notice the ride. His heart pounded so loudly, the throbbing was unbearable. Like an idiot, he knocked hard on the door, before realizing it was his own apartment and Leo was a freeloader not deserving any politeness.

A professional freeloader who was used to make people spend cash by sleeping with them and a professional liar who was able to invent himself a life to make people feel sorry for him! And this is for this lying son of a bitch that Don swallowed so many pills, wasting his time and energy on a play to make this...male whore shine. Because it was what Leo was; a male whore. The only reason why Don get any or well, very little was that obviously, Leo’s preference leaned toward women, no matter how old they were. This April O’Neil on another day was probably good-looking even if too old for Leo, but Don remembered well the granny Leo pressed against him. And then, he had dared to threaten to punch Don because he had called him a gigolo? Why the fuck did Don picked him out and had dragged him into his home?

With a kick, he pushed open his door. Being blinded by rage wasn’t Don at all, but he had been too much fooled by this bastard. He was too deeply hurt to have one of his cold and controlled anger.

“Leo!” he shouted, walking with a nervous stride to his bedroom. The scum was probably still sleeping. Not even one hour had passed since Don had left. He barged in the room, ready to kick the motherfucker out but, he stopped right on track when he saw the younger man. 

“It is what you mean when you said you experimented?”

Leo was sitting on the bed, one of the ropes Don used in his hand, while another part was around him. Next to him was Don’s erotic photo album, filled with hundreds of very explicit pictures. The first half was pictures when he was in Europe, and with a shock, he supposed the Nazi insignia on Fritz’s officer suit must be apparent. The second half was pictures of unknown prostitutes he brought home. There’re about sixty different men on it, maybe more. Suddenly, the balance between them was more even, but Don refused to let himself be distracted. 

“I come back from your aunt,” Don spat angrily. “She told me you aren’t blood-related to her at all.”

Leo wasn’t at all taken aback.

“Of course, I’m not. I’m not incestuous,” the mixed-Japanese protested.

Don was gaping. Leo had nerve; he had to give him that.

“You said she was your aunt!”

“In Japan, you call a close middle-aged woman an ‘aunt,’” Leo continued, unimpressed. “The one I was living it actually had nothing to do with the sister of my father. I left this place around the same time as when we meet. I told you, she refused I do drama classes. So I moved to this new place May first, if I remember correctly. Aunt April had promised she would keep me at her place another year. But she kicked me out, because I wasn’t doing enough chore to her liking. I told you that, too. I was a freeloader and so, have to do what she said.”

“Even if that’s mean sleep with her?” Don asked sharply, his hand shaking. After a year to daydream about Leo, imagining him flawless and virtuous and not believing standing a chance, it was stills a shock to discover Leo was so easy to sleep with. 

“I told you I had sex with a woman.” Leo was speaking matter of factly, like this past confession erased how bad it was and turned the lie in a way Don was the one looking like overreacting. “Well, it was with her. She was nice and kind to me, and well, I was a teenager during the Spring fever.” Leo shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal. “She was missing her late husband and didn’t have any child. She was feeling lonely and I made her happy.”

“For someone happy, let say she was crying her soul out because of you,” the playwright pointed out coldly. Leo could have an explanation about April’s identity, Don still feels played. While he imagined Leo as a captive Princess in his tower, in fact the actor was busy warming a widowed bed. 

“Oh, really? Well, maybe I need to see her and apologize, then,” Leo replied idly.

Leo removed the rope he had used to tie himself up, and Don noticed the intricate design Leo had put into it, the interest aroused despite himself. 

Leo picked up some clothes from the floor, dressing very slowly, putting on display his pale body with a few rope marks. He had put strength into it and Don’s throat grew dry with need. But it wasn’t the more troubling. Leo’s absolute calm was. The young man acted as he had no blame to receive. 

“I don’t know why you went there? Probably to beg her she took me back. It’s better like that. I didn’t want to be a hindrance to you.” Leo put on his underwear and Don, focus zeroed in the place he had licked two hours ago. “She is likely to take me back. She is a good woman, but you know, when she is in her periods, she has a kind of temper....” Leo trailed off and Don was ever more astonished about how bold Leo was to act like he was the offended. “And I know she will take me back without any questions.” 

Leo’s voice was sounding confident. Alarm bells sounded into Donnie’s mind. Maybe Leo told the truth. If Leo left, it was very likely indeed the red-haired woman took him in as he just said. And then, between Leo and him, it would be awkward forever. Before letting go of Leo, Don needed to clear some misunderstandings. 

About the aunt thing, it could be exact it was a cultural confusion, only. 

He did little research about Japan, but know they were many words to address to people and also, many honorifics. Leo left Japan old enough to have still kept some habits and call aunt any woman older than him. But he had said ‘my aunt.’ Was it bullshit? But Leo seemed to be too casual and relaxed to make it up. 

At first, Leo had talked about his father’s sister, but from what Leo pretended, he was. Leo had told him about wanting to leave her place, because of her disapproval of his lifestyle. Indeed, when Leo moved to Miss. O’Neil place, Don knew Leo for about three weeks. At the time, he was even more shy about asking questions and Leo probably wasn’t feeling like explaining himself to a stranger.

He studied the young man. Leo’s features expressed no shame, remorse or hesitation. The picture of innocence and purity. It was true Leo had told having sex with a woman. It didn’t please a bit to Donnie, but who he was to judge so harshly the younger man? Leo did it out of gratefulness. As Leo knew now, Don has his own sins load. And he sinned out of pure, twisted lust

“Did you have sex only with her?” he asked bluntly. “I need to know,” he added more softly, seeing Leo’s face turning cold to the indiscreet question. Don wasn’t stupid. He realized that from a man about to kick Leo out, he had turned to a beggar, pleading to get comforting answers. 

“Yes,” Leo said slowly. “But I’m glad to know better what kind of man you are before we built a relationship. I can’t stand mistrust or jealousy.”

Don’s heart missed a heartbeat, hearing the hint of blame and regret into Leo’s voice. But he tried to still stay angry to save face. 

“Were you considering it?” Don asked mournfully as he doubted it. “You sleep easily with this woman but seem much warier of me.”

“Sex seems a lot more important for you than an actual relationship.” Leo folded his arms, severe. “I thought you were a more serious person, Mr. Perkins.”

Don couldn’t believe it. He was the one being scolded, now.

“I slept with her because she wanted it, but it was clear from the beginning she won’t ask more. She wasn’t in love with me, she still mourned her husband. I never pretended to love either, and we never introduced ourselves as a couple. She told her relatives I was a student renting a room, because she struggled with the bills and also, felt insecure alone at 35 years old in her apartment. Why would I have refused myself? I was single. You never asked me any question about the extent of my relationship with her,” he countered, logical. “I had no reason to report to you my every move. You only confessed to me your love yesterday. But now, I see more how much you loved me,” he snorted. 

Of course, Don didn’t ask if Leo had sex with her aunt. In fact, he never asked straightly about the handsome waiter’s sex life. Because he had been a coward and now, Leo was mistaking him for someone aiming at his body, only. Leo had already some reservations about American men. Don has many more questions racing in his mind, but Leo was half-dressed already. If Don stayed with his jaw on the floor, he would lose Leo for good. Something he wasn’t ready for, he discovered by the aching hollow in his chest.

“I’m sorry.” Tears spilled out from Don’s eyes and he removed his eyeglasses. It was his nerves. The revelation about the aunt had shocked him so much. But now, he only wanted to forgive and be forgiven. Leo, in a few sentences, had turned the tables.” Indeed, I had been jealous. You are so important to me, Leo…”

He wasn’t ready to beg Leo to stay. Some remains of pride and doubt prevented him from doing so.

“As important as the Nazi officer?”

Don stared incredulously at Leo. Was Leo jealous of Fritz? How could he?

“Of course not,” he protested fiercely. He didn’t even deny Fritz was a Nazi. He could have told it was a costume for twisted foreplay, but he refused to lie to Leo. “I was young and in a foreign country. We have never been together. It was only meaningless, easy to get, sex.”

Don stopped himself, seeing the half-smirk. By his answer, he was giving a weapon to Leo. The actor could argue the same reasons Don just stupidly named. But in his troubled soul, Don felt it wasn’t exactly the same. 

“I don’t know, Mr. Perkins.” Only bare-chested, Leo bent to pick up the album photo, skimming the pages. “Sex seems to means for you a lot.”

“You...you searched my room.” There it was a point Leo couldn’t argue about.

“Well, you paid a visit to Aunt April.” The black irises watched him with intent. “What was it for if it wasn’t to get rid of me?’

It was a legit question. Don knew that if he admitted he wanted to save money, he was done. He wiped imaginary sweat from his forehead. Indeed, he had been foolish; to save less than fifty bucks probably, he went through this epic argument; argument he was well aware of losing.

“I..I wanted to surprise you by getting your records back. You seemed to miss them,” he managed to choke out.

“Indeed.” Leo glanced around. “Where they are?”

Don was feeling to be hauled over the coals. 

“I was so shocked because she pretended to be your lover…”

The playwright stopped himself. He wasn’t sure anymore about the exact words used by Miss. O’Neil. He had been too upset to listen carefully and remember. His confusion must have been visible, because Leo added:

“If she said so, she was lying. We were roommates with benefits, that’s all.”

Don could argue it was morally questionable, but a glance at the photo album make him shush up. He had no room to judge and just drop it was so less exhausting and heartbreaking. But he still made a last try to make a point.

“Would we also be roommates with benefits?” Don’s voice was strained. Even if sex would be good it wasn’t what he wanted.

“I thought you aimed to be my true lover,” Leo replied. “If you want mere sex, you can have it. But I admit, I hoped more than you.” Leo looked suddenly miserable and fragile and Don barely restrained himself to threw himself down on his knees. “I hoped someone would be genuine in his feelings for me, for once. I wanted a true relationship based on trust with both us of working as a team for it to work out!”

The young man was now speaking louder and with jerky gestures. He never saw the waiter so flustered. Don didn’t know what to do, acting on a frenzy to placate Leo. 

“Are you angry with me, Leo?” the director asked softly, despite his heart racing as crazy.

“If you said you are sorry and wouldn’t doubt me anymore, I’m willing to forgive you.”

Don had a moment of hesitation. In his guts, he felt something off, but then, Leo took the rope one stroking it.

“Do you know what is kinbaku-bi?” Leo murmured, dreamily. “That’s means ‘the beauty of tight binding.’ This isn’t just about tying someone. It’s an art with rules. The aesthetics of the bound person’s position is essential.”

Suddenly, the air around Donnie felt tick and too hot. He never got to speak about his fetishes with anybody, except the whores he paid. It was his shameful secret, something than ordinary people would found disgusting. That Leo wasn’t judgemental was so much a relief, Don could sob and believe in God. 

“How do you know that?” he asked hoarsely. 

“My mom asked me to help sometimes when some of her clients were into bondage. I was very good at making beautiful knots. She gave me candies each time,” Leo said with a grin on his usually marmoreal face. 

Don wasn’t sure how to react. For him, it was unsuitable for a young child to mingle so closely to her mother’s job. Leo had been firm about a Geisha wasn’t a prostitute. He knew Leo’s mother had been sent to ‘hide her shame’ away and had been downgraded to Geisha Onsen, whatever it means. But he kept his disapproval for him, mesmerized about how erotic Leo’s dreamy expression was.

“So, you don’t mind to…”

“I never fantasized about being bound. I only did the other way around,” Leo stated. 

It was a bummer. Don could love Leo as crazy, he felt powerless with him enough already to be even more to his mercy, tied up. Well, he had never imagined going so far with the waiter anyway. Making love, in a conventional way, was enough for his happiness.

“Too bad,” Don replied with an embarrassed chuckle, but Leo interrupted him.

“All these partners of yours...You paid them, I guess?” 

Crushed by shame to have been discovered, Don nodded.

“Bring one of them here and I will learn you the kinbaku. It will be easiest to teach you on another male body,” Leo explained with confidence while Don just stared, astonished. “And well, maybe to see you doing it...will give me the desire to learn the rope too...about the love art between men,” he finished with an adorable blush.

If Don was reluctant to see Leo so careless about him having sex with a prostitute, they went down the window in the second part of the sentence. He swallowed heavily, his mind picturing Leo and him kissing while he trusted into an anonymous body. A deep, shiver of lust ran through him, making him shake with need. Even if it wasn’t what he aimed for, Leo was so okay with his kink, that he even agreed to take part in it. Of course, Leo would probably mostly watch, but just the thought of it was enough for his blood to rush into his lower regions.

“Since I’m not ready to give myself fully, it could be a good compromise, don’t you think so? Our relationship so far was work-based. If we are roommates and playmates, we could grow closer, much more quickly.” Leo’s voice had turned husky. “But you have to promise me it wouldn’t interfere with your plays, the current one and the futures,” Leo explained more seriously. “And that you will treat me with as much patience and respect than you had also promised. I don’t want to be rushed. I want to come to you willingly.” 

“Can I kiss you?” Don blurted out after having agreed eagerly to whatever Leo had said. Leo had told him not minding kisses and cuddles. 

With a smile, Leo walked the distance between them and, on his tiptoes, kissed him deeply, opening his mouth to make him taste his tongue. Don encircled the smaller body, deepening the kiss but when his arousal was evident from across the street, Leo broke the kiss.

“Never doubt me again,” Leo murmured, stroking Donnie’s jaw lovingly. “As punishment, I will keep my underwear until you deserve better.”

It took a moment for Don to understood what Leo meant, having forgotten even why he had barged in so mad, thirty minutes ago. He was finding Leo’s punishment for him very harsh, but he didn’t have time to protest. Leo was now buttoning his shirt.

“Where do you go?” Don exclaimed, upset. “I thought you weren’t angry!”

“I want to train this afternoon, remember? I will maybe stop somewhere to take a sandwich since you didn’t do the grocery.” Don lowered his head with shame. “Then, I’m going to work.”

Don was curious about the martial art that Leo was practicing and in other circumstances, he would have asked to watch Leo train, but he felt it wasn’t a good idea. He couldn’t bear Leo to flatly refuse.

“Does the Sardi’s ban is still on?” he wondered, miserable. 

Leo smiled sweetly.

“You look too sad, it breaks my heart," he exclaimed, softly. "You can, but not too early. I don’t need you to distract me. You know, I try to stay professional.”

Don nodded obediently. To be more likely to be forgiven, he pulled two dollars from his wallet.

“For your sandwich,” he stammered, feeling all hot and bothered by the gratefulness shining in Leo’s eyes and the peck on the cheek the young man gave him.

“I think...it would be easy to fall for you,” Leo whispered."

"Am I forgiven?"Don asked straightforwardly. He couldn't live with this stress.

"You know how to be sure I forgive. Make from me a big star," Leo said, with a wink, like it was a joke, but Don nodded solemnly. Anyway, it was the plan from the beginning. 

Leo took his coat and he kissed Don again and waved him goodbye. When he left, Don stood up near the windows to follow from the eyes his beloved leaving. Now that Leo was far, his mind was clearer and oddly, an intense sadness took him despite Leo’s kisses and promises. Was he not supposed to be happy?

What were Miss O’Neil’s words? ‘He has everyone he wants wrapped around his little finger’? Down in the street, Leo turned around to look up and like he had expected Don to be there. The waiter waved his hand again. Don raised his in acknowledgment, and when Leo turned back. Don pulled the curtain to the half of the window, to hide in case Leo walked by again. The playwright leans his forehead on the window, sobbing quietly, having a post-meltdown despite the kind of happy-ending their argument had. Whatever the liar was between her or Leo, it was indeed true, Leo has him on a leash like he was a loyal puppy. He didn’t need to be a genius to be aware of it. 

Don pulled out a cigarette from his pack, lightened it and puffed with a quiver, his red-rimmed eyes itching because of the smoke. If Leo decided to kick him, Don wasn’t sure he has the balls to fight back. He was so sick, he would probably get off on Leo’s punches, Don thought bitterly. Disgusted with himself, he crushed the cigarette in the window glass. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Art by Alessa

* * *

Three weeks had passed since their argument about Aunt April. Three weeks of rehearsals. Those were going great and the premiere was set in twenty days from now, January 24, because it was Leo's birthday. Don was pushing his actors to overdo themselves, seeing every detail and refused anything that wasn't utterly perfection because Don knew it: Failure wasn't acceptable. It wasn't because his own playwright career mattered to him. He knew he could easily do a living by other means. What was his concern was Leo. If he didn't make from the young man the star he had promised he would do from him, he knew Leo would leave him.

He hadn't managed yet to make Leo fell for his other qualities as a man. For now, he was still a step on the ladder of Leo's fame ambitions, he thought with melancholy.

They were in Leo's dress room and he stared at the actor lower back in the shower. Since the rope incident, the Sardi's waiter hadn't allowed to touch him. Even if Leo had implied they could do some foreplay with underwear on, nothing had happened. Don had not even asked. Leo didn't have to tell him to not do; the Majestic director knew it instinctively he couldn't. But watching wasn't forbidden and so Donnie watched his crush any time he could, like right now. Leo seemed not to mind to be stared at, even more maybe slightly pleased by the attention.

But the last three weeks had been tiring. First, he had to fight his mother for her not to come over. He had also to find a reason not to go at her place during the holidays. It was very complex since they lived in the same building and he had been forced to use threats and lies again. It had been very stressful and Don was dreading she ran into Leo by coming not invited again. But she didn't and the playwright supposed she heard gossips about a mixed Japanese man living with him. Don and Leo could be both very discreet men, Leo stood out too much to be unnoticed. 

But it wasn't that all. Don was doing the job of five men and even have to cook and clean at home since obviously Leo was clumsy doing chores. He also has to write the next plays Leo would do and it was now at a point pills weren't that effective. Don was feeling his control slipping.

It was something sharper than just being pent up.

Don didn't dare to jerk off in the open when Leo walked naked at home. Even if Leo knew by now Don was a pervert, the playwright preferred to be careful and try to keep a hold on his desires. But today, Don felt edgy.

The main female lead had cried and had wanted to resign. She complained that Don had insane high standards. It was kind of true but if she did leave, the premiere would be postponed. It was something Don refused since he had decided that it would be likely the night Leo would abandon himself to him in addition to be his lead actor's birthday. But to calm her down had been draining and now Don needed to get something to reward him for his patience. He was done to feel like castrated.

Leo had never spoken about the rope and a third partner again, despite having looked kind of interested the day he found out about Donnie's kink. If Leo wasn't ready to give himself, it was a compromise Don was willing to accept meanwhile. Even Leo himself had used the word compromise. However, the young man was acting like this conversation had never occurred. But the director was done to wait and work like a dumbass. If he didn't get off tonight, Don felt he would drive his car into the river to at least have a rest. 

"What's wrong?" Leo asked, a towel around his shoulders, while sipping his dripping wet black hair. "Do you have a headache?" His voice was full of concern. 

If Leo had a quality Don didn't expect was that the young actor was very caring and also, a perfect roommate. Leo was always polite and grateful, thanking Don kindly to have made the meal or the laundry. He offered to help and apologized a lot when he wasn't fast enough to wipe the dishes. Leo had not bad habits neither and was very tidy, as Don himself. Leo's conversation was also interesting for someone having been such a short time in school, but Don appreciated mostly that Leo was a great listener. He had this quiet attention that gave the director the courage to talk about himself and try to get into a serious relationship with someone else. 

It had been an issue he had with many, all his life. Like many shy people, Don was rather cold when he was forced to speak for the sake of politeness and he knew he could be harsh if he was feeling too annoyed. He had been more sociable in Paris because he had felt differences were more accepted. Still, since he was back in New York, all his acquaintances were business-related or family friends. Relationship Don tolerated because he was forced to, but he never gave more than the strict minimum from himself. He always felt people's grins were fake, their voices too loud and that they could see through him and knew that Don was nothing more than a perverted homosexual, always swinging between mania and depression. They only buttered him up for his name or his genius reputation. Indeed, artists and genius were allowed to be weirdos and since Don was both, people let him be, but it wasn't inciting the playwright to be involved with them.

But Leo was different as Don had perceived the first time he saw him.

In addition to his patience and focus while Don spoke, Leo's mood was always even and his voice was smoothing Don's nerves. For once, he felt like he was really listened to. Leo also often showed genuine concern for Don's mood or health and if Don admitted a headache, Leo tucked him in bed, giving him pills and tap water, his cold hand on Don's forehead. The young man was acting as a caring younger brother. In fact, Leo's behavior was flawless. If it wasn't that Don was lusting for him and Leo being so an exhibitionist sometimes, living with Leo could have been nice. They had not a single argument since the last one, three weeks ago. They were like...good friends. Something that the Donald from before would have accepted with gratefulness was now, not enough for him. It was humanity's sin and curse to be so greedy, Don mused. 

"Yes," he muttered, running his hand in his short hair. He was so exhausted that he felt like there were no beginning nor end to his cephalalgias. "I need a smoke. I will wait for you outside."

It was another bummer, Leo had decided it wasn't good for his voice if Don smoked in a closed room. It was making sense and so Don didn't mind to comply.

"It's there something else?" Leo insisted. "You look gloomy."

In the weak lighting of the dressing room, Leo's pale body glistened from the water. The actor was so close, Don could see the goosebumps on his arms. Leo was naked, splendid, aware of the admiration but indifferent to the feelings behind it. Don has to hold back to prove the deep of those feelings, thus, because Leo wanted to be courted without being touched. It was maddening how teased he was. And then, what he dreaded would happen, happened. He lost it. 

"Of course, I look gloomy!" Don snapped. "How would you feel if you got something you want to be rubbed in your face but you know you can't have it!"

"What do you want?" Leo asked casually and Don stared incredulously. Did Leo dare to play innocent? "Are you hungry? You didn't eat this morning, again. I'm worried about you," he continued with natural." 

The soft kindness and the placid tone didn't calm Donnie down like usual. It was impossible Leo doesn't know what he wanted, but to be sure the actor couldn't play dumb any longer, Don decided to spill his guts loud and clear.

"You know what I want. The only thing I want to eat it's your ass." 

He had a moment of panic, seeing Leo's shocked gaze. The young man had paused while putting on his underwear, obviously stunned by Don's reply. He didn't mean to sound that blunt. He was all cold politeness, usually with all his acquaintance and even his own mother, but Leo managed to make him lose his cool. But instead to shrink away and apologize for his boldness, Donnie decided to push his advantage. He was so frustrated; he decided he had nothing to lose.

"You know how I feel about you, but still, you act with me like an ice queen, even when you are walking naked," he snapped spitefully. "I tired myself out for you and this play and took you as a freeloader, but still, you deny any loving gesture to me. I'm so pent up and frustrated and tired to walk on eggshell with you," Don enumerated, all his built-up tension flooding out. "I should shot myself to be done with this meaningless hell of a life!" he cried, meaning it in the spur of the moment. "Fuck this play!" he shouted and he had the satisfaction to see Leo paling. "All I do it's for you, anyway! And you don't care!" he finished with a roar.

Leo landed a comforting hand, his onyx eyes inquisitive, but Don slapped it, rather softly. He had put all his anger in these few sentences and now, he felt only painfully hollow. He wasn't the kind of guy who had still the strength to hit after such a scene. 

"I'm sorry you felt that way. I was convinced we got along. Tell me what I could do to make you feel better," Leo said in his sweetest voice. "Whatever you could think at the moment, you are important to me. To see you so unhappy and to not have realized it breaks my heart," he explained with sorrow.

Don locked eyes with the actor, studying him. He could only read genuine worry. He sighed, knowing already he couldn't stay angry with Leo too long. Indeed, he had never voiced being unhappy. Don thought it was apparent, but perhaps Leo didn't notice. He was now kind of embarrassed. Leo had asked what he could do, but Don refused a pity fuck and also, Leo would be even more convinced he was a sex addict and so, not a serious lover. He tried to chose his word carefully.

"You know how I feel about you. We didn't do something beyond friendship for three weeks and...you didn't teach me the Japanese bondage."

Don was more thirsty for some real lovemaking between partners than for a threesome with a prostitute, but he reminded Leo's interest for knots. The bondage was his lure to make the actor agree.

"Well, you didn't ask." Leo shrugged. "I wasn't sure my suggestion interested you."

Don stayed his jaws on the floor for a moment. The only thing he had to do was asking? If he had known it was so easy, he would have done it ages ago. 

"You need ropes of better quality. If not, the result would be sloppy," Leo explained, tying at his wrist the watch Don offered him for Christmas, a costly one to be sure Leo knew he wasn't stingy. "I know a place they sell good ones for a good price."

Don didn't reply immediately, nodding stiffly, but already reaching for the inside of his jacket. 

"How much do you need?"

They were never talking about money, but there was like an implied agreement Don would pay for everything, except what Leo was buying in his free time...with the pocket money Don gave him for a modeling time he never asked Leo to do. The playwright knew he could have asked and Leo wouldn't oppose, but Don didn't, scared he couldn't hold back his lust. But all this restrain had been useless, since he just blurted out everything and well, Leo didn't mind.

"Do you want to do it tonight? I can ask my manager to finish at 8:30." Leo suggested and Don forgot all his grief. It was just a few hours to wait. "Where do you go to find these prostitutes? I want to be there. I don't want you to pick a random guy. I want to choose him myself."

How Leo talked about choosing a whore like it was nothing more than a suit astonished Donnie. But arousal blossomed in him, seeing the complacent smirk. 

"I don't want you to fall in love with him," Leo murmured, circling Don's neck. "He needs to look good in kinbaku, but not too attractive to make you forget about me."

"That's very silly from you, Leo…" Don choked out, amazed the handsome man could fear comparison. "I couldn't love someone else and forget about you so easily…"

Don didn't notice who initiated the kiss, too mesmerized by the black gaze staring at him, but they kissed a long moment, Leo pressing his almost naked body on him. After weeks of absolute chastity, the sensations were too overwhelming.

"Can I...undress?" he begged in a hoarse voice. "You can keep your underwear on and I won't do anything more than kisses and caresses." 

"Here?" Leo glanced around. They were still in the dressing room and they could hear people walk and talk from the other side of the door. "This is not that comfortable."

Don couldn't wait. The kiss had flared up his blood. With force, he snatched the thick burgundy curtain from the window pole to spread it on the ground. To the hell with peeping Tom. Anyway, no one would peek. 

"Lay down," he demanded, shaking with need. "With this, you will be least cold." He undressed quickly, throwing his jacket to the other man. "Make you a pillow with this."

He removed his pants and loomed over Leo. The young man looked slightly afraid and Don understood his haste must be frightening for a young man used to top a woman's body. Ugh, he should not think about that.

"Don't worry, I won't do it," he promised with a kiss on Leo's toned belly. "I will worship your body with all my love."

And it what he really did, kissing and stroking the smooth flesh, nuzzling Leo's navel. The young man didn't fight him and let him pretty much do as it pleased Donnie. The actor should know he was too much in love and respectful to cross the line. Without being over-reactive, Leo tensed his body and uttered soft moans at some moments and Don made a mental note of each weak spot his partner could have.

At some point, Dick came to knock at the door about Don being needed somewhere. The director got rid of him by yelling something about giving Dick $5 if he managed to empty the theater for them not to get bothered.

He took a deep sniff from Leo's underwear, shaking from the self-restraint. Just a few hours to wait, he tried to bargain with himself. In a few hours, it would thrust in another body to unleash his lust. In the most optimistic scenario, Leo would be turned on and join them. 

"Don…" It took a moment for the director to recall it was his name being called, too absorbed by his fantasy. He glanced up. "I will be late…" Leo was flushed. Dick's interruption must have embarrassed him. It was so a gorgeous sight to see the marmorean waiter getting agitated. 

"Just one more moment, please," the playwright pleaded as Mme Du Barry walking to the guillotine. Don rested his forehead on the younger man's chest, inhaling his scent sharply, one more time. Why can he let Leo go? Even if Don hated it, Leo still had a job to do at Sardi's.

"Why are you crying?" Leo asked, his voice on the verge of anxiety. "Are you not happy?"

Don chuckled, sadly. Now that Leo mentioned it, he felt the tears on his cheeks. Of course, the other man was confused after having allowed so much than to be kissed by him. Leo had no idea of the deep of his feelings, he supposed. Perhaps his mother had raised him in such a way; the little Ren had grown to be wary of men's love, not believing that such thing as blind adoration could exist. 

"I'm happy," he lied, almost choking, trying to not sob. He let the young man stand up and get dressed. "Since you told me not to come to Sardi's anymore, I will come to fetch you at 8:45, in front of the restaurant."

Indeed, Leo's manager had not been very happy with Leo's schedule change and, with reason, had blamed Mr.Perkins for it. To allow Leo to work part-time, he had demanded to his waiter to forbid Don to even step in Sardi's again. To say that the theater director had been pissed was an understatement. He had even called his family lawyer. Of course, the simplest solution would have been Leo stopped to work there but despite Don's pleas, the young man had refused. He would drop Sardi's when he would be 'no so worried about my future'. Don knew what it's mean. If the musical was a big hit, Leo would resign. He couldn't wait, because of course, the playwright was jealous. He remembered too well how Leo was successful with women and despite Leo's complaisance, Don couldn't shake the feeling the young man preferred an old lady to a man in his prime like himself. 

"Should I wear something specific to go to this place?" Leo wondered like he wanted to groom himself in the purpose to catch prey for Don. "We can stop at home before? I will need a shower." 

But of course, it was what Leo wanted, using a substitute to satisfy Don. He stood up himself, picking up his scattered clothes. Why could he not be happy more than fifteen minutes in a row? At first, he had very excited to know tonight it would happen, but again, gloomy and bitter thoughts were louder.

"I never did such thing with anyone," Leo said, finishing to dress. "I think it would make us grow closer, don't you think so?"

Leo's apparent eagerness draw a smile from Don. His heart fluttered at the idea maybe his beloved was looking forward to doing something with him. Indeed, it was very likely to develop between them something stronger and gave their relationship a more intimate aspect.

"I love you," Don murmured.

Leo grinned.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Raph is finally introduced but this chapter was too long for the kinbaku scene. It will be in the next one.

“Do I look good?” Leo asked, slicking his hair. Don didn’t bother to reply; he didn’t trust his voice and besides, Leo was well aware that he was looking beyond good. His obsession was wearing a gray-blue shirt with a navy blue tie and he flashed a half-smile.

“Should I be worried by your silence?” Leo teased, winking at his reflection. “You are awfully quiet tonight.”

Of course, Donnie was. The playwright was standing by the open window, to smoke without bothering the young actor. Now that they were about to leave, Don was haunted by mixed feelings. He wanted the sex, but dreaded it at once. What if the other man wanted Leo? What if he touched his beloved? Don couldn't bear it and would look like a jealous lunatic. What if Leo decided gay sex was disgusting?What if he falls in love with the other?

Despite his second-guessing, he had come to fetch the younger man at Sardi’s, as decided. In the car, Leo had asked him questions about the place, the crowd and things like that. It was relevant concerns and he had answered the best he could. 

Tony’s Parlor had Don’s preference since the gay men there was almost exclusively bottom. Lesbians and female impersonators were composing the other half of the clientele. It was easiest to pick up someone with so few concurrences. But Leo had stated it won’t do it and since he didn’t have time to get dinner, he wanted to go to a place where they could eat and where ‘the choice of partner would be more interesting.’ So, Don had proposed the San Remo café. It was an Italian restaurant, less fancy than Sardi’s and also mob-owned, not very welcoming but with a more important male gay clientele than Tony’s. Don had seen there a woman once, and well, it wasn’t sure if she was indeed a real one. But what was worrying Don was that it had, among its most prominent patrons, many gay artists, writers, dancers, and actors. Leo could pretend he was jealous, Don knew it was more likely that Leo drops him for a biggest fish than him falling in love for someone else. The fact was that Leo’s exotic beauty would stand out and arise attention. While many of San Remo café’s clients could be racist in their heart, their dick wasn’t.

Was it not sad to doubt his beloved so much and still cherish him despite having such a poor opinion of him, Donnie mused, puffing the last smoke out of the window. He pulled shut the window with unnecessary force.

“Why are you mad?” Leo asked with a hint of worry. “I thought you were looking forward to this evening?”

Donnie tightened his lips. How to explain how he felt when he struggled to understand himself? He should be happy; he would get to have sex with Leo’s blessing. It was a step toward intimacy. Don had always been forced to hide his true nature to all his acquaintances and family, leading a double life. He should be relieved that Leo accepted him as he was and even, was willing to indulge him in his kink, without being judgmental. But if he had to be honest with himself, he wasn’t happy. If he and Leo were in a relationship for over two years and wanted to spice it up in bed, Don wouldn’t mind. But as their relationship was right now, at a dead point, it was odd and Don couldn’t help but think Leo agree to it to content Don without having to give himself. 

Don could try to take it with philosophy, but the truth was he was feeling sick. The kinky night they were about to share wasn’t what he wanted to have, but Don felt he had no room to refuse. 

“We can stay at home,” Leo suggested. 

Don shook his head silently and crushed his cigarette butch in the ashtray. Staying at home was to remain in the status quo: drooling on the gorgeous statue Leo was.

“Your tie is crooked.”

Gently, the actor fixed it before putting himself on his tiptoes to give a peck on Don’s lips. 

“Now that you have this good luck charm, you must stop brooding.”

The director had a nervous gesture and he clenched the young man’s waist.

“I love you.” Don knew he was stating the obvious, but it was like he hoped each time the words would reach Leo. 

“I know,” Leo said. “I love you, too.”

The words and voice could be sweet, it made Don cringe. It was lip service. They weren’t talking about the same kind of love.

His doubt must have been apparent on his face, because Leo circled his neck with his arms, pulling him closer.

“Why are you still gloomy?” Leo asked seductively. The actor’s crotch brushed against his, on purpose or not, Donnie couldn’t tell but to be such a cock tease should be illegal. Don felt like an electric sparkle. The playwright bailed his fists. He had to resist to the temptation to have his way with the young man, on the couch next to them. “Let’s go. I’m hungry.”

Don disengaged himself slowly. 

“I’m ready.” 

****

The San Remo cafe was full. They went to an empty spot at the bar counter. Don was looking at the back and white tile floor. He didn’t want to see the lustful stares from the other clients on Leo. With a slow gesture, he helped Leo to remove his coat. He wanted to be sure everyone had seen it to get the message: the handsome young man was taken.

Leo ordered a $1 salad. It could look expensive for such a cheap meal, but the bread and the butter were all you can eat. Leo was fond of the bakery in the morning and Don decided he would try to slide a loaf in his pocket for later. 

“A Cuba Libre,” he ordered. “Do you want something to drink, Leo?” he asked politely, despite he was shaking with nerves and feeling sick. He didn’t want to be there. He wanted to cover his loved one with his coat for him to stop being ogling at and leave. But Don was caught between a rock and a hard place. Telling he doesn’t want to wouldn’t help his relationship with Leo to move forward a bit. 

“Something light, for me, please.”

Indeed, Leo wasn’t a heavy drinker and Don loved him that way. By a gesture, he signified their orders were done. Leo smiled warmly at him and nervously, Don reached for the hand on the young man. He squeezed it and by the gesture and his gaze, he hoped he could convey his feelings right. He wanted to say that he wasn’t there to pick up a man but to have a moment looking like a date.

The bartender put down a Sherry Temple in front of Leo and the young man sipped it quietly while scanning the clientele, letting Don squeezing his other hand, unaware or not minding Don’s emotional state.

Leo’s salad arrived and Don had to let go of his hand. The young man seemed to have been hungry, indeed, shoveling greens in his mouth. 

In two gulps, Don finished his Cuba Libre. He put the glass down loudly, pushing it away as a silent order to get a refill. He needed to drink to get some composure. 

Leo landed a hand on his arm, startling him. 

“You can have a second, but it’s your last. Sip it slower.” 

Don cast on him a hard look. How Leo dared to care about his alcohol consumption more than his feelings. The Rum wasn’t the poison devouring his body. The unrequited love was. 

“Are you my mother?”

“No, but I’m the one with you if you end by making a fool from yourself,” Leo deadpanned. “Are you done being moody? I thought you will enjoy the moment we spend together. If you are to keep it this way, I will sit at another table.”

The threat was spoken lightly and Leo took his last mouthful of salad, as unbothered as he didn’t emotionally slap the director across the face. 

Leo was spreading butter on his bread and Don was still mute. He didn’t even acknowledge the glass put down in front of him. As he had feared, behind the kind smiles and the little attention at home, Leo didn’t care for him at all. He could replace Don in a blink. 

“Donnie! It’s been a while!”

Don turned his head without eagerness to meet the newcomer. When he recognized him, his scowl worsened. It was Raphaelo Terenzi, the man Don’s mother referred each time as a successful producer his son should look at to. The fact was they were cousins and since they had about the same age, Raph being only eighteen-month older, they always got compared. Raph was almost as tall as Don, but on him, the height wasn’t creepy but impressive since his body was muscular. He gave off the manly vibes of a Roman centurion. With his tan, his dark hair and green eyes, he had everything to be a womanizer and indeed, he was. 

“What are you doing here? There no ‘chick’ here,” Don spat contemptuously. They didn’t have a bad relationship, in fact, Raph never did something to piss Donnie off purposefully. But what was angering him what how Raph had it easy. His mother had always been discreet about his older brother’s business, but the fact was that Raph has endless money revenues. If Raphaelo had kept his wealth and influence to be a playboy, Don wouldn’t have cared. But the fact was Raph had decided to use it to become a producer. Don had felt offended he had chosen to do something so close to his own field. 

“I owe some part in this place, remember?” Raph leaned on the counter, bracing himself on his arm, a smug grin on his lips. His presence here was a bad omen, Don decided. “Your mother told me you got promoted. Finally, you are a theater director. That’s good news. I spoke with Wilson too. He is afraid you made him lose money.” Raph moved his head, taking detail of Leo, still sipping his girly drink. His attention returned back to Don. “You should have come to me. I wouldn’t have blown a fuse like this old man. I trust your genius,” he concluded with a smirk. 

Don knew that indeed, he could have done it, but it’s repealed to him to got success because of family connection. It was already bad he got his father’s name and friends. He didn’t want to mingle his mother’s family into it.

“He won’t lose any money.” Don reached for his untouched second glass. “I got a good cast and the musical will be a success. Besides, owing money to the mob isn’t a pastime of mine.”

“I admire your confidence.” Raph glanced at Leo again and Don moved his head to lock eyes with his cousin and hide Leo. Raphaelo could be into the girls, his cousin has a fancy to always trying to overdo him in any passion Don could have. When Don had improved in tennis, Raph had decided to play too, dropping it after he got better than him. It was the same with realization. Raphaelo could ask to be called Raphael to sound more like an artist, he didn’t have a creative bone in his body. “But you don’t mind mob connection if it serves your vices,” Raph continued, still smirking, motioning toward the bar behind them. Indeed, all gay places had ties with the mafia. It was impossible to avoid it since liking a man’s body was illegal. “Who is this cutie?” Raph asked and Don was kicked back into reality by the question. 

“His name is Leo,” Don replied icily. He had no idea how to introduce Leo. Moreover, his instinct told him to restraint to show how much he cared for the Sardi’s waiter.

But of course, it was useless. Raph has his informers. 

“It is the actor you lost your damn mind over?” Raph asked, pulling out a cigarette and stretching his hand to offer one to either Don or Leo. Both of them refused the cigarette. Leo because he didn’t smoke and Don because he didn’t want to displease his beloved, despite craving for it. “I heard about him. I was afraid Aunt Maria wanted to send you to the fruitcakes factories again.” 

The mental health hospital was a recurring threat from Don’s mother to heal his supposed illness. Don was humiliated Raph dared to breach this topic in front of Leo. But indeed, even if he was an adult, his mother could find a way to get him locked. Since she has a high opinion of his nephew Raphael, she was likely to listen to him. This is the only reason that prevented Don to punch him in the face.

But Raph continued, very pleased with himself.

“Too bad he is sitting, I bet he has a nice ass.” Expressionless or rather, attempting to be, Leo took the knife he has to spread the butter. It was a steak knife that they gave by mistake, Don supposed. The young man started to play with it, twirling it nervously around his fingers like it was a mere stick. It was odd to see the beautiful statue Leo was usually to get animated. 

The playwright was used to his cousin’s antics. Raph loved to play the bully. If he got ignored, he would turn bored quicker and was likely to forget he even encountered Don this night. 

“Why don’t you introduce me to your darling?” Raph asked. “Have you lost all sense of decorum at the same time?”

“Leo. This is Raphael, my cousin,” Don mumbled. “From my mother’s side.”

Leo didn’t stretch his hand as he usually does. His onyx pearl-like eyes were studying Raphael in an unnerving way. 

“A Shirley Temple?” Raph chucked as to break the uneasy silence from Leo. “You’re sure a friend from Dorothy.”

“Loud talk for a man with a Hawaiian shirt,” Leo replied sharply and Don was startled. He didn’t know Leo could be that sassy. 

“What can I say? I got fond of them. I did the Pacific war. We even got an uncle who died in the Pearl Harbor attack, isn’t right Donnie? Remember Uncle Johnny?” he exclaimed with a pretended carefree tone. “What about you?” he asked Leo and Don tapped his glass to said he wanted a third refill. If Raph was about to get started about the war, Don needed to get a drink.

“Well, my mother has five brothers, so I guess it’s likely that one of my uncles meets yours there.”

Don held his breath. The death of an uncle wasn’t something to take that lightly, even less with Raphael, so a family guy. This could end badly and he opened his mouth to change the topic, but Raph sneered.

“You got some balls.” He dragged on his cigarette and Don scratched the fabric form his pants to fight the urge to ask for a smoke. “They say Japs have a tiny dick, but I guess this isn’t the part you are interested in,” the producer snickered to his cousin, nudging him. 

Don turned livid, but Leo was faster to reply.

“I’m only half Jap. I got a rude Yankee as you as a father.” With a swift motion of the wrist, he threw the knife, that went to stick in the counter, brushing Raphael’s hand.

Don has to gave him that: his cousin didn’t flinch. Raph’s grin stretched like a shark about to bite while he pulled out the knife.

“And bold with that. You got yourself a wild cat, Don. It makes me wonder who is taking up in the ass, finally.”

“Why are you not leaving me and my boyfriend alone,” Leo asked, his voice flat. “You are upsetting him.”

Don gaped, dazed. Never he would have imagined Leo would call him his boyfriend. It was an unexpected promotion. He stayed speechless, his throat dry by the too raw happiness he was feeling.

But he shook himself out of his daydream. He couldn’t let Leo defend him as he was the girl. Leo had got insulted by Raph and Donnie was the one who has the charge to protect his honor.

“Indeed, I’m upset we are related, now if you could...” Don made a motion to tell Raph to scram, but the producer didn’t bulge.

“Nice watch.” He was ogling Leo’s Datejust jubilee Rolex. Don’s eye twitched, catching the intention. Of course, Raph would report his mother that he was spending his money on a man. “I bet you won’t regret we are related when you turn penniless.”

“Mind your own business,” Don hissed. His patience was now running thin and his self-control was slipping.

Raph handed the knife mockingly to Leo, dismissing Donnie.

“It will be a shame that such a handsome man as your beloved has to beg for his food or leave your side to find a more wealthy lover. Cute and fierce bitches like him must be popular.”

Leo glared at the producer. 

“Do you care to repeat this for me outside?”

Raph chuckled.

“Did have I hit a nerve?”

“Leo, don’t mind him,” Don urged. Raph wasn’t an aggressive man, well from what Don knew. But Raphael wasn’t the kind of man to back down from a fight, neither and there was in a bar where all the mob connections Raph could have were at reach. Who knows if they could have a lunatic among them who could pull a gun to avenge a random relative who died in the Pacific War? “Raph always had a twisted sense of humor.”

Raph released a long puff in Leo’s face and the beautiful half-Japanese wrinkled his face in disgust. 

“Are you trying to pick up a fight with me?” Raphael asked, something genuinely curious in his tone. Indeed, Leo was about a head shorter and was probably weighting seventy-pound less than his bulky cousin. And Don was sure Leo had no gun on him. 

“You are the one who interfered in our date. If someone wants to pick up a fight, it’s you. But if you want it, I don’t mind giving you a lesson, relative of Don or not,” Leo said, raising his chin to look Raph into his eyes. 

Why was happening in Leo’s mind to be so confronting? Don knew Leo was doing martial art, but whatever Leo could do, it would be useless against twelve mobsters if Raph decided to turn angry. 

But Raphael burst in laughter.

“What a fearless lover you have, cousin Donnie.” He gave the director a slap on the shoulder. “Damn, I almost regret to be batting in the ladies’ team. He must be wild in a bedroom.” 

Don’s heart missed a beat. In the green gaze, he had seen a sparkle of interest. To be talkback and challenged wasn’t something Raphael was used to. Even if his cousin was into girls, he could get curious, Leo was attractive enough for that. But Leo was far too high maintenance for Raph, Don told himself. He would never get the patience to court and hold back his urges for him. Besides, Don doubted that Leo could be wild in bed, more a pillow princess.

“Whichever team you are in, it’s pointless,” Leo retorted coldly. The actor narrowed his eyes to the point they were only slit, anger pouring from him. “I don’t want such a crude teammate.”

Don wondered what Raph could have done to trigger Leo that much. The waiter was placid normally and must be used to racist comments by now. If Don had to be fair, Raph didn’t say something nastier than many could have said. Raph had even used a taunting tone that was kind of softening the offensive part of his comment. 

“I’m looking forward to seeing this musical. I’m postponing my leave to California just for that. Am I not a good cousin, Don?” Raphael continued. In his tone, there was something like respect, but his look was on Leo, not Don and the director fidgeted on his chair. “I think Broadway Golden Age is over and the future is in Hollywood, so I’m moving there.”

Now the sparkle was into Leo’s black eyes and Don paled. Raph had aimed bullseyes. Hollywood was the actor’s ultimate goal. Raph smirked, aware of the slight change in Leo's demeanor and the producer reached his pocket.

“Here, my business card. I already have my office there.” 

The card was handed, but Leo didn’t take it, Don did and slammed it down on the counter.

“Now that you got to play the big shot, leaves us alone,” Don snarled. 

“So cold.” Raph took his hat and put it back on his hair, smirking. He waved his hand to the bartender, to get his attention and Raph slammed on the counter a $20 banknote. “Whatever my friends want to order is on me. Over this, put it on my tab.”

Don was torn between his humiliation and his stinginess. And for once, the embarrassment won. Don knew why he was doing that. Raph wanted to seduce Leo, to steal him from Don and also, by a love for a challenge. Leo had rejected him, something that had probably never happen to Raphael. 

“See you at the Majestic, Princess,” Raph said with a wink to Leo, turning his back and leaving finally.

When Don saw Raphael step out of the bar to probably finish his shenanigans in the manager's office, he turned to Leo.

“What went into you?” he wanted to know. “He was only messing with us!”

Leo was still shaking with rage.

“Messing with us?” he repeated incredulously. “He tried to intimidate you with this mental institution threat! Besides, no man wants another man talking about his ass like that,” Leo added, his expression dark. 

It reminded Donnie they were in a bar, with more than ninety percent of the clientele gay or curious. They were there to pick up a man and have threesome gay sex and yet, Leo couldn’t stand a comment about his ass.

Don bits his lips, Raph already far in his mind. Leo couldn’t be turned gay, it would be too easy. He took a long gulp from his Cuba Libre and Leo scowled. How to tell the young man that if he was turning into a lush, Leo was the one responsible.

“I’m going to the restroom,” Leo said, waving his hand. The actor still looked flustered from their encounter with Raphael. “Order me a second drink. When I come back, we will focus on the reason why we are there. We didn’t look at our options, yet.”

Don’s gaze zeroed in Leo’s ass while the young man was walking to the bathroom. It was such a shame, Leo has a body made for gay love. But maybe all hope wasn’t gone. Leo was reacting so nicely when Don touched him down there. Also, they were there to pick up a man. Leo looked very turned on about tying someone with ropes. With patient and love, perhaps Don could manage to make Leo walk the gap between them. He clung to this hope. Two months ago, he couldn’t have hoped to touch Leo and now, they were sleeping in the same bed. The director had achieved it by his dedication. He couldn’t drop it now when he wasn’t that far from the victory. The play was Don’s ace. If the musical was a success, Don knew Leo’s resistance would fade.

His mind didn’t even linger on the fact it was sad to have a lover more interested in fame than his partner, but Don was content with it if that means he could worship Leo’s naked ivory-like body. Who could love him, anyway?

Leo came back from the restroom and his lips brushed Don’s slick hair.

“I found the perfect playmate,” he whispered.  



	12. Chapter 12

Leo pointed to a blond man sitting at another table and Don’s breath caught in his throat when he recognized him. It was the actor he rejected as Leo’s co-star. 

Donnie’s first thought was that he did well to reject him if the man was gay. Then, he realized how unfair he was. What if people refused himself because he was gay? Anyway, it wasn’t the reason he had rejected him. He had brutally denied him the role because Leo had asked it. And now, Leo wanted him as their sex partner. The man would have turned Don down in two seconds flat even without bad blood between them. He could guess he wasn't his type as this blond wasn't his. But as the things were with the casting, he would do it out of spite. But it wasn’t the refusal that was the main issue. This actor was a rising star in Broadway and was likely to get famous in the next years. Don didn’t need gossips on his sex life. It could be bad for Leo’s future image, too.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea, Leo.” Don took a sip of his drink. “Even without the casting issues, the flashy guys like him aren’t into a guy like me. He would turn me down, anyway.”

Indeed, Don’s guess was that the man was a top and he looked for a more delicate partner. 

“Maybe you, but not me,” Leo whispered with a cunning smile. “I can bait him for you.”

Don wasn’t sure how to feel about this. Leo would flirt with this man. It could be for him, it wasn’t a show any man in love wanted to see. 

“It won’t work,” he repeated, stubborn. “Besides he is with someone, already.” Indeed, a skinny ginger-haired boy was sitting next to him and it was evident for someone used to gay flirt that the blond was hitting on him.

“Let me try it!” The annoyance was apparent in Leo’s voice. “Take your rude cousin money and order a Bourbon bottle. Do as I say and I will reward you tonight.”

Letting Don dazed by the promise, Leo turned his back sharply and walked to the jukebox. It was the brand new model with bubble tubes and he put a nickel in it. Don waited with a pounding heart, nailed at his stool. He didn’t want this, he thought again, but he had failed so much to defend Leo against Raph just ten minutes ago, he didn’t feel he could refuse. Besides, Leo had said he could reward him. It was enough for Don to walk on hot coals.

A languid melody filled the place and Don recognized ‘La Mer’, a French song with a popularity that came across the Ocean. He didn’t know Leo loved it but seeing how the young man moved with the melody, Leo liked it a lot. The actor turned and Don hoped for one moment that Leo had forgotten about his idea, but Leo’s gaze landed on the blond man and he pretended a surprised expression. He walked to the man’s table and, without any hesitation, butted in the conversation. Don watched the whole scene were little by little, Leo managed to steal the blond actor’s attention from the red-haired one by flirting with him outrageously. It was sickening and seeing the mixed Japanese mimicry, Don wondered if Leo was acting the same with him and he was too mesmerized to notice. At one moment, Leo motioned Don to come, signaling to bring the bottle he had obediently ordered. The blond man turned and by the scowl he was pulling, Don could tell the man had thought all along Leo was alone and was less than pleased to see Donnie was there. Furious to be now ignored the ginger boy left the table to try to find another partner for the night, leaving the place free for Don. Even if he wasn’t eager to join them, Don slid on the chair trying to remember the name of the man. 

“So, the gossips were true. You have sex together!” the blond actor exclaimed. 

Don didn’t reply, Leo did.

“No, we don’t. For this, we should swing both this way. But I do care deeply for Mr.Perkins and he feels the same for me.”

The director couldn’t help but admire how Leo had worded this: they needed to swing both this way. Don knew that from his appearance, so plain, nobody could tell and so, the man would think with reason Leo was the gay one after having bein that flirty. 

The fact Leo had declared to care for him had made a warmth crept into him.  
For himself, telling he cares for Leo was an understatement, but Don stayed silent, pouring bourbon in the empty glass of the man. Richard, he remembered now; his name was Richard. 

“We had found common ground, to be able to share some activities,” Leo said. “To give pleasure to your loved one, even if it’s not directly could be thrilling, if you catch my drift.”

“I see,” the man said with a smirk. “He loves to watch you on a stage and in a bed.”

Don let himself being called a pervy voyeur. He felt actually sorry for the poor guy. Richard thought he would get to tap Leo’s nice ass. When he would know it was staged and he would be the one being pounded into by him, he would be disappointed and it was another understatement. The guy was likely to just leave when he would know that Don was the gay one. 

“I wonder why you took the other guy?” Richard asked. “I’m sure I would have been a better pick.”

“Of course, but he was a protege from the producer. Mr. Perkins has no choice,” Leo lied shamelessly. “We could perhaps find a way to make it up to you.”

Don didn’t say anything, letting Leo luring his prey, getting him dazy by pouring him alcohol and give him some seductive glance. 

“We are also roommates,” Leo explained. “Mr. Perkins has a very nice apartment. Why about continuing our interesting conversation there?”

It was a clear invitation. Richard took the last swing of his glass. 

“Lead the way.”

  
Leo cast over the blond actor a victorious grin and winked at Don.

****

The whole trip to his home, Don had expected Richard to either change his mind or make a move on Leo and discover he had been tricked. He wondered with his nails digging in the leather of the steering what he would do if the two men on the back seat kissed. But Leo had kept talking about rehearsal and Richard’s role in another play but staying flirty enough to not lose his prey and Don mused how it was tiring to love an actor. Seeing Leo playing interested so well, Don would have doubts his whole life afterward if Leo was genuine with him from now. 

They were now in the living room and Leo had put on a record and was dancing in an inviting manner. All had gone so smoothly that it didn’t seem out of place went Leo removed his clothes, but Don was on the edges. To empty his throbbing balls didn’t worth Leo got touched by another man. But Leo cast a kind smile to reassure both of them, he guessed. He could tell that the other man wasn’t pleased by his presence. He accepted it to bang Leo, but the rope would be another story. Did Leo plan to knock the guy out with a karate move or something? Don could be horny, he didn’t want Leo either to get touched, neither to be into trouble. 

“Do you like to try new things, Rich?” Leo asked idly and with a rascal grin, he showed up the rope. “Because I do.”

A sparkle of arousal had shined into the blue gaze and mesmerized, Don watched the blond man removing his clothes, eyes locked on Leo’s. He seemed to have forgotten entirely about the director’s presence and Don did his best to stay in the shadow. The situation was making him edgy as hell, but he knew that if he did something ruining Leo’s scheme, his roommate would be beyond pissed. 

The man was about to reach for the ropes, but Leo let out a chuckle.

“You are mistaken. I’m the one getting off doing knots. Don’t worry, it's less uncomfortable than it seems.” Leo’s smile was angelic, but a wicked angel. “To be used as a tool of pleasure has appeal.”

“You’re a bottom, right?” It was a relevant question and Don wondered how Leo would dodge it. Would he shamelessly lie?

“I’m a top to women, only,” the mixed Japanese replied with a cheeky face and Don was flabbergasted about the audacity of the young man. Leo had told the truth, but in a way it didn’t sound at all like the real meaning of it. “I’m not using rope with them. Ladies could get scared by those games. I prefer men as playmates.”

To Don’s amazement, the guy didn’t question Leo further and let himself be bound. Perhaps alcohol slowed his judgment down. Leo had been clever to suggest they bought a full bottle. Doubt crept again into the director’s mind. Was Leo used to these schemes? Why did he say he preferred men as a playmate? He chased the thought away; it raised disturbing questions refuting the image he wanted for Leo; a pure-hearted, star crossed man.

He tried to not feel too upset by the way Leo brushed the flesh while he tested the solidity of the knots. The young man was doing it for him, he kept repeating like a mantra. He tried to not watch as Leo warmed up, murmuring sweet nothings in a breathless voice. He tried to shut up the voice in his mind that was screaming at him about how the young actor was getting turned on by someone else.

When Leo was done, the man was neatly tied up like a chicken ready for roasting. The Sardi’s waiter stepped back, his face cold again. 

“He is ready for you, Donnie.”

The director looked up, his tense body jerking in surprise. The jealousy had faded to make place for a buzzing feeling in his chest: Leo had called him Donnie, a nickname much more intimate than Don, one he disliked to hear usually, but from Leo’s mouth it wasn’t the same.

But the poor trussed man wasn’t sharing Don’s delight. When the director took a step forward, he began shaking his head while struggling. But Don wasn’t walking toward him. He stretched his hand to caress Leo’s cheek.

“You were right. The way you do it is much prettier.” Out of instinct, he had used the right approach because the young man beamed. He had remembered at the right time that Leo loved being praised for his skills of Kinbaku. 

“It’s not only aesthetic,” Leo explained. “The one who is bound feel more intense pleasure.” He glanced at poor Richard who was stammering that he wasn’t a bottom. If he had believed Leo would ride him since he had guessed Don wasn’t the kind of guy taking a cock up the ass. “Tune it down, if you don’t want us to gag you. I just said you’ll feel good, didn’t I?” He turned to lock eyes with Don. “And you are experienced.”

Uneasiness took Don. Leo was still pissed about that and he felt he had no room for further disappointment. He wasn’t sure he understood his crush at this point. He only knew he had to fuck this man. He tried to see the bright side. This man was good looking, even if he wasn’t his type. Don has a thing for dark-haired men lately and Leo wasn’t a stranger to the change. In a way, Richard resembled Fritz, the German officer. Getting off would do him some good, but all these ‘good’ points were overshadowed by how it all felt ‘off’. 

“Show me how you do it.” Leo’s voice whispered at his ear, as tempting as the snake had been to Eve. “I want to see.”

What could he do? There was a nice-enough ass offered like St-John the Baptist’s head on a silver platter. But Don couldn’t shake the idea of bribery, for Leo to get Don to continue writing plays and directing musicals for him without paying with his body. The actor was ready to cheat and lie to get what he wanted: fame and wealth. Leo didn’t hide his motivation: he wanted to live the American dream so his mother could finish her days honorably. No other director would hire Leo, as talented and handsome as he was in the political context. The mixed-Japanese was smart enough to be aware that his only chance to fulfill his ambitions were by placating the perverted playwright dumb enough to love him. If that meant picking up men for Don to unload his sexual frustrations on, Leo saw no harm in it. Better them than himself, Leo probably thought.

He stared at his obsession, the black pearls that were Leo’s eyes shone with erotic promises, reminding Don that if he played the game and accepted Leo’s offering, he would be rewarded for it. It was all that he needed to cross the line. 

He kissed Leo as desperately as he could have drunk water in the desert. He could tell the young man was startled. Don could fuck a hole, but Leo couldn’t rid of his love. Don preferred to kiss him and he did as he desired to draw Leo’s soul out of his body. 

“Untie me! It’s creeping me out! You lied to me!”   
  
Did he mean the situation or Don himself was creeping him out? Don wasn’t sure. He wasn’t even offended. He knew that even if he didn’t look half bad, there was something about him that was off-putting. It was like people could see the dark streak within him. What bothered him was that Leo used the momentum to break free from the director’s embrace.

“I didn’t lie. I told you one of us didn’t swing that way. You assumed it was Mr. Perkins all by yourself.” Leo smiled, but it was full of mischief and didn’t reach his eyes. The young man was taking a twisted pleasure seeing the bound man and Don thought of a spider watching its prey’s agony. 

Don could be a naughty pervert, but rape didn’t turn the playwright on. Richard ceased his trashing a bit now that Leo was leaning over him, cooing encouragements about how good he would soon feel. Donnie wondered how Leo could know. Little Ren watching his mother doing her clients, as weird as it was, was as far as his experience with men went. So far, Leo had made a living making only widows cum, not bulky men. 

Leo returned next to him and to Don’s surprise, he slid a condom in his hand.

“You don’t want to get dirty, right? You have any Vaseline?” 

The Vaseline jar suddenly appeared in Leo’s hand and Don guessed that the young man had searched his bedroom thoroughly to find his stash. Anyways, it wasn’t like he held secrets from Leo anymore. The waiter was perfectly aware of how disgusting of a human being Donnie was. 

“Do it as if it was me,” Leo murmured seductively. “Show me how much you love me.”

Don swallowed thickly. It was a test, a trial. If he managed to make the other man moan in pleasure, Leo would surrender the night after the premiere. With shaking hands, he coated his finger with the Vaseline, spreading it around the man’s hole. He breached the ring of muscle carefully with his lubricated finger before slowly pushing his cock inside. He shouldn’t be too hasty and so he waited, allowing the man to adjust to his girth. Usually, the narrow heat squeezing his cock would drive him crazy with lust, but this time wasn’t like any other time. The spot on his shoulder where Leo had rested his hand burned more deliciously than the head of his dick.  
  
He took the opportunity with the young man next to him by leaning his head in to kiss him again, even more breathlessly than the first time as he sank deeper into the man’s core. He had no idea where the moan came from, perhaps from his own throat as he caressed Leo’s tongue with his, while thrusting in and out of the other man’s body.

He wondered briefly how it would look from Richard’s point of view to see Don exclusively busy with Leo while using him as a tool for masturbation. Because indeed, it felt more like beating off than having sex. Despite Leo’s sensual voice suggesting him to imagine Richard was him, Don couldn’t bring himself to be interested in his actual sex partner. It would have felt exactly the same if he were to have jerked off while kissing Leo, but much less awkward. It was as if all of his sensory nerves were situated on his mouth or on the places Leo touched. The climax was building, flared up by the taste of Leo’s tongue and by the fact that he could feel the actor’s erection on his thigh. Leo was aroused by the situation and that was enough motivation for Don to chase down his own orgasm, but he needed to bring his partner to climax first. Leo had demanded to see proof of his skills and while he didn’t care for the tied man, he badly wanted to impress his lover to be. 

He sped up the pace and it wasn’t long until the blond actor tipped over the edge, cum spurting from his cock at the same time a long sobbing groan was emitted. It looked like Richard didn’t dislike his first bottom experience, but what mattered to the director was how dilated Leo’s irises became as he watched the man climax. It was one of intense delight, the same expression he wore when he dragged on his straw drinking down his Shirley Temple. Hope flared up in Don’s heart. If Leo had been that turned on by the show, perhaps he wouldn’t have to wait for the premiere to have a taste of his vanilla-like flesh. 

“Let it go,” Leo whispered. “Come for me.”

Leo’s hand slid down his side, stroking him teasingly and the orgasm rushed on him, as blinding as looking straight at the sun. Usually, he was able to keep his voice down, but he was helpless against the urge to scream the waiter’s name. When the wave left him, he was panting, breathless and jello boned as he had run through Manhattan Island. He glanced up to look at the man he loved to read on Leo’s face if he had succeeded in making him curious about homosexual love. 

The younger man had a deep flush on his face and his breathed seemed slightly ragged, but what took Don’s attention the most was the damped spot where his white brief was making a bulge, and his blood rushed to his cock again so quickly his knees buckled. He could picture himself kneeling at Leo’s foot and to suck the precum through the fabric.

Leo felt the heavily interested look on him and flustered, he excused himself for the bathroom. Don bite his lips with annoyance and disappointment but didn’t oppose to it. Leo would milk himself, his fist pistoning the long shaft he had tasted only once. He would do it hidden, for Don couldn’t spy on him. He had never been allowed to see Leo’s pleasured face when his orgasm hit and the secrecy about it were driving him crazy. 

Frustrated and still half-hard, his eyes landed randomly on Richard. The man was surfing on his afterglow, but Don could see something very irritating on his face: a mix of pity and contempt.

“He doesn’t love you. He never will,” the blond said. “He is playing with your feelings to get his career launched.”

Don cast a sour grin. He could get called a pervert or a sinner, he doesn’t mind, but he needed to make sure he wasn’t a fool.

“I know,” he replied quietly.


	13. Chapter 13

Today was another stressful day like Donnie lived for weeks. The rehearsal was going great but the money was getting short. Twice a week, Leo would make a suggestion to make the play more genuine and more spectacular. Don had to admit Leo got a very deep artistic sense and that all his suggestions were great. But they were also expensive as hell. 

He needed to have a talk with Wilson about it and that was the reason for his actual chain-smoking. He still remembered how he had fought to get Wilson to accept to produce the musical. Wilson would ask to assist in a rehearsal before spending more cash. Don couldn’t elude it since it was sensible the producer wanted to have a look. His only hope was that the producer left before the end. Then, he would not notice the change at the final Leo had demanded. Wilson was too close to his family to not perceive what this controversial change means and disapprove of it. He would refuse to have his name associated with such scandalous gay love implied end. He would withdraw and Don would have to sell everything he owes to refund the fees. And then, pray for the play to turn into so much of a success that he made enough money for Leo to stay with him. 

Don was in his office doing his account to see how much he needed to pay for the stage set props. He furiously bit his thumbnail, concerned by all the expenses. He didn’t expect the amount would be so high, but of course, it was after yielding to Leo’s many demands week after week of rehearsals.

And now, he was in deep shit. He was the Majestic director for not even two months and he was near bankruptcy, already. 

He quailed away, his trembling hand crushing the cigarette. It wasn’t only Leo directly. Don had bought an expensive, flashy car. Even if it was to impress the young man, Leo never asked for it and so, the director refused to blame him for it. There was also his new apartment furniture. He bought all of it months before Leo moved with him and so, the actor wasn’t responsible for this either. But when the single man living next to Don decided to move far from his sinner landlord, Leo had been the one convinced him to not rent to someone else. It was a single room apartment, as big as Don’s living room, Leo had explained. It wasn’t a big deal to lose $20 per month if that meant they could have more ‘privacy’ by not having a next-door neighbor. Moreover, they could use the man’s bathroom for them to have their own washing room. They had installed a washing and a drying machine for an eye-watering $700. But Leo had explained to him that each time he went in the basement for the laundry, people were glaring at him and even if he was used to this by now, it was getting upsetting. It was one of Leo’s habits that Don found extreme even with his own neat freak standards. Leo washed his clothes the moment he undressed and changed his briefs twice a day. No wonder after that, it’s smelled like soap. But it meant Leo had to go to the basement often or Don could do it for him, but the playwright had figured out it was easiest to give Leo a private place to do his laundry than kicking the whole building tenants out. 

They also have to take everything else out for Leo to have a training room. He needed it for his karate and his acting practice and so had asked to have a mirror from the floor to the ceiling on a whole wall. Of course, his mother had known about Don refusing to put an available room to rent. Don had managed to save face by explaining he needed it for a guest room for his friend. His mother didn’t come to check if it was true they weren’t sharing a bed. Don had guessed she wished too much to be true to see his hopes being crushed. But it was indeed true the gossip could be fewer. A door had been made from his living room to go to the other apartment, but no one knew except for the construction worker who didn’t care for who Don was lusting for. Leo could leave from the man’s former apartment front door and if the other tenants saw them, they could believe the story that they were friends and nothing more. In the end, it had been a good idea, but still, one that made Don’s savings melt away. There was also this Record Player/ Radio Combination that Leo had wanted that he had bought the day after the night with Richard. Even if he hadn’t been happy a bit with this night, he felt he owed Leo for his understanding and tolerance for Don’s weird fetishes. It was $60, but Leo loved the music so much and it was a noble pastime. Don had settled this by telling him it was Leo’s early gift for his birthday. Anyway, it was a droplet in the ocean of spending. 

But it wasn’t even for his personal money issues that he was worried now but the theater finances. To cover the debt with the props, he would have to renounce his paycheck for the next three months, but then, how would they live? He would never dare to ask Leo to pay even half of their food. And even with that, he wouldn’t have the money now. If he sells one of his buildings, his mother would know and would do the math that if his son was broke it was because of the half-Jap and she would lock him for good at the mental institute. But even without that, even if he sold a building, that didn’t mean he would find a buyer who will have the money in the next three days. The Premiere was due in four days and they had already sold tickets, but before he made any real money with it- if he would which he doubted- it would take weeks and the stage set props wanted their money in three days. It was maddening and Don opened his drawer to take out some whiskey.

There was another possibility that Don refused to consider, but the more he thought about it, the more it seemed to be the only way. He couldn’t borrow money from his mother, he reasoned, pouring himself a drink. She would place him under guardianship for his lifetime. But there was someone in his family who knew about Don’s lifestyle and didn’t mind: his cousin Raphael. Even so, Don guessed while gulping down his drink, his cousin would be pleased to give him this favor, so pleased that he would give him a lower interest rate. Owning the mafia wasn’t tempting Donnie a bit, but Raph was the only one who could loan him $4000 before the next day in absolute discretion. Banks will take longer, too long and he had no more time in front of him.

Don couldn’t accept to fall so deep in shame that he has to call for his cousin’s dirty money. Feverishly, he tried to look again at his options. He could still call Wilson and just pray for him to not ask to see the play and accept to invest more, but it was a waste of time and energy and perhaps he would make such a scandal about it that they will have to postpone the premiere when tickets were already sold. Anyway, it wasn’t even about 300 tickets he would have to refund. Don couldn’t bear Leo’s disappointment. Just to picture a gloomy Leo, turning away his onyx colored eyes was too soul-crushing. He preferred to use his own intestine as a skipping rope. It was a more bearable mental image. 

What was he waiting for, he asked himself with a sneer. He was just losing his time debating with his conscience. He knew very well what he had to do and Raph, this son of a bitch knew it too when he dropped his card and made all these petty remarks. The playwright drank a second glass in one and snatched the phone. To beg had always been repelling to him, but in this situation, it was tenfold worse when his family-and the mafia- were involved. He drew Raph’s business card from his pocket and hesitated one last moment before dialing. Leo’s happiness was worth more than his pride, he decided. He just has to make sure Leo never knew about this, still remembering how his cousin had rubbed the actor the wrong way.

***

The last couple days- scratch that, his whole damn life- has been tiring, but tonight the long waiting and the draining climb to happiness had been reached. Don could feel it in the marrow of his bones. So far, everything was going beyond great. There was an intermission. From the backstage, he could watch his beloved and tears prickled at his eyes in front of such a flawless performance. Leo’s voice was just right and his stance and gesture were even better than usual. As he hoped, no one had blown a fuse about the lead actor being Japanese. In the playbill, Leo's picture had been carefully taken to enhance his more Westerner part and with his American name, it wasn’t too apparent. On the stage, with the light and the makeup, it wasn’t either. People could enjoy Leo’s raw talent without being distracted by such a stupid thing like racism and so, they clapped their hands with enthusiasm at the intermission.

Usually, the playwright loved to mingle with the crowd to hear the comments about his play, but this time, his lower region tingled too much. He made a beeline to his lead actor’s dressing room. 

The same morning, Leo had made an allusion for them to have both their reward tonight after months of work. In Donnie’s book, it meant only one thing: tonight would be the night he would breach Leo’s vanilla hue flesh and have free reign over it. Since the morning, he wasn’t himself, his mind full of moans of pleasure and naked bodies. The little he had done with the young man in the past had been enough to give fuel to his imagination. But he never got to see Leo’s climaxing face. The idea of seeing it in a few hours, while Leo’s muscles would clench around his girth was driving the director crazy with lust.

He tried to compose himself before knocking at the door. From the other side, he could hear some girl assistant fussing over Leo. He knew the actor had thirty minutes to get ready for the next part and that he should know better than to enter there and be a hindrance but he couldn't help himself. He wanted to gaze at his beloved while he was getting ready for the second part of the play, the one where Leo’s character shone the best. He had written this play with this exact image in his mind; with a slight blush and a genuine smile on his face, Leo was eagerly getting ready to make Don’s fantasies come true, on the stage and in the bedroom.

Since no one seemed to have heard him, he pushed open the door. In front of the mirror, two assistants were fussing over Leo. One was busy with the makeup while the other was tying up the kimono. It was an art to wear a kimono and Leo had been very insistent on it and had made the assistants start over about fifty times in the last three weeks. Don didn't mind Leo’s obsession with accuracy. It fit his own perfectionist standards. 

The actor barely glanced at him, but Don didn’t mind. Leo was nervous and flustered and it made sense Donnie wasn’t his top priority for now. To not bother his lover-to be too much, neither to be in the way of the assistants, he kept his back on the wall, ten-foot from them to smoke quietly. He needed to have his hands and mouth busy, for them to not get over-excited and want to kiss and touch. 

He took silent detail of the actor. Seeing Leo now, no one could have believed he was a mere waiter. The blue silk kimono with golden and green Chinese dragons embroidered on it had been a good choice. Leo’s complexion stood out and the only thing Don regretted was the makeup and the wig with a jade hairpin. Crossdressing was a kink he didn’t have and he preferred Leo’s as a male. But the fluid silk from the kimono suited Leo well, making him deliciously foreign and sensual, a beautiful setting for a precious stone. Don wondered if Leo would accept to keep the kimono to make love later tonight. It was a lavish piece of clothing for the first time as a Broadway star and a lover. The director would be very careful to not dirty it. They still needed it for the next representation tomorrow afternoon. 

He moved his leg and turned slightly away. He was getting hard and he could tell the assistants were ogling him, wondering why the director was watching them.

“What about some silver powder over the white layer? For his features to stand out more?” Don spoke slowly, in an attempt to not sound husky. “I want people from the mezzanine to think he had been carved in diamond,” he declared, releasing a puff.

“Are you not exaggerating, Mr. Perkins?” Leo’s voice was flat as every time he spoke to the director in public. The kimono was now falling perfectly on him and the actor stretched his hand idly for the assistant to put some garnet nail polish on his nail while getting sit. “I’m not a Prima Donna.”

The woman waited, looking back and forth between them. Don could be her boss but she must have guessed Leo was Don’s. Meanwhile, the other assistant leaked some of the polish over the nail and Leo uttered a tsk of disapproval. 

“Go away, you useless women,” Don snapped. He crushed his cigarette on the wall before throwing himself next to his beloved. “I will groom him myself.”

The assistants fled and Don walked behind Leo’s chair and he put his hands on Leo’s shoulders, locking eyes with him in the mirror.  
“You are beautiful,” he choked out, dizzy by how exhilarated he was feeling. 

“Were you not unnecessary harsh?” Leo asked softly, spreading some red eyeshadow himself to fix his makeup. “If you are going to be like that, no one in New York would want to work for you anymore.”

“I don’t care. They are expendable.” Unconsciously, the director’s fingers dug into Leo’s shoulders. His gaze turned intense. “You are unique.”

Leo made a mocking smirk, but his eyes stayed serious.

“I can’t deny you are a very passionate man, Mr. Perkins.” 

“We are alone,” Donnie murmured. “The door is closed.” He leaned over the neck, kissing it. In his pants, his erection ached painfully. “I can’t wait for tonight. Would you give me the pleasure to wear this kimono? I will be very careful when I undress you.” He glanced at Leo’s face in the mirror. He wanted to read on the confirmation from the actor’s face that his hope will come true.

“It’s pure silk and is the theater property,” Leo stated. His face was unreadable and he only paused one moment before continuing to apply the eyeshadow. “What are the plans tonight?” 

Don straightened himself. If Leo asked him to be outspoken, he would be. 

“After the musical, I decided to go to Sardi’s with all the staff. It’s my treat.” Don could be generous with the $7000 Raph lent him. His cousin had been munificent in his glee to see his proud cousin Don beg. Raphael had teased him to a large extent but the term had been liberal. Don had nothing to refund for three months. After that, it would be $7 interest each week he was late. No bank would have been so easy and so he could bear with Raph taunting him about being the slave of a fancy bitch. “I had promised you that one day, you will eat at Sardi’s like an important client and I mean to fulfill this promise.” He could tell that Leo was very attentive, despite his gaze looking away. Don leaned over him again to whisper at Leo’s ear, unable to see Leo staying unreachable. “I will order the best Champagne,” he continued. “The whole place will cheer for you. You will be the star and your former coworkers would have to serve you .”   
Don waited for his words to take effect. “Then, we will go home…” Don swallowed hard, almost drooling at the visual. “You will go into the bathroom, put on this kimono and lay on my bed. Tonight,” he kissed the young man's temple, cautious to make it quick and light to not mess with the makeup. He needed to take a small break to summon his courage. “I want to go all the way with you.”

His eyes flickered to the mirror, meeting Leo’s the time of a heartbeat. Again, the actor avoided his stare and corrected the red lipstick. Don’s anticipation was so tense, each of his nerves was painful. The red on the cold actor’s lips could mirror Donnie’s blood as drained as he felt and as aching as his chest was. Leo’s cold demeanor wasn’t very encouraging but in the very short moment, they locked eyes the playwright had the time to read in them the acceptance. Leo must be shy and that’s all, but he knew what Don expected and didn’t deny it. The realization of the silent consent was enough for Don’s lust to overwhelm him and he placed himself in front of Leo, kneeling on the ground and clenching the kimono.

“I can’t wait!!” He felt his tongue flick, the arousal, sharpened by months of self-restraint was weighing on him, slowing every move. “Spread your legs. Show me your hole.”

“Mr. Perk...Donnie,“ Leo corrected, flustered. “We don’t have the time. The intermission will be over in about five minutes.”

“Your character is only appearing eight minutes after the start of the second part.” Don wet his lips and he spread himself on his knees. “I won’t untie it...I…” Don knew he sounded like a big pervert and that was an understatement. Right now, Leo was living the most thrilling moment of his existence and didn’t need to get his mood ruined by some kinky bastard but he couldn’t help himself. “Your character had slept with the protagonist. Of course, it’s only hinted at, but we both know. For your play to be more convincing, you need to give off some afterglow vibe. And as the one having worked so hard, I need this or I will burst,” he admitted frankly. 

He lifted the fabric, unveiling the briefs Leo was wearing underneath and he stroked the silky skin of Leo’s thigh. With a finger, he pulled on the briefs to see the actor’s entrance. He stared at the tiny hole, his mouth growing dry with desire. In a few hours, he would breach the ring of muscle and make his cherished Ren crazy with pleasure. When he would have tamed his flesh, he would also reach his heart, Don decided. 

“Donnie...” Leo tried again. “Please wait.”

Waiting. It was like he had waited his whole life to kneel on this dressing room’s floor in front of such a beauty. Mesmerized, he wet his finger, to caress and circle the hole with it. 

The actor’s whole body tensed and from the other side of the dressing room, they could hear the staff hurrying, meaning the intermission was about to end and Leo fidgeted on the chair.  
Don used the momentum of Leo’s distraction to slide his finger inside.

“Easy, my love, easy,” the playwright murmured. The body had turned stiff under his hands. “I won’t hurt you. I just want to give you some pleasure for your acting to be more realistic.”

It was a lie, but Don himself was convinced it was true. He sank the finger deeper, trying to find the spot that would make his lover see stars. “I love you, I won’t hurt you” he repeated hoarsely. “I want to prepare your heart and body to feel less anxiety later on.”

It was more about him indulging in his passion even if it was true. Leo was a virgin when it came to male love and he needed to get used to the feeling to be filled up his ass. The previous times he went that far, Leo had seemed reactive to his touch in a promising way. If he managed to make Leo cum, he would be more eager and relaxed in his arms at home. It was for Leo, not for himself, since he wasn’t even touching himself. Convinced of his pure intentions, the director continued his exploration, deaf to Leo’s pleas and protests. It was so hot and so tight and Don grew bold and ambitious. He removed his finger to lick it again, tasting the other man’s salty, spicy insides. He licked the middle finger too, to feel Leo stretch even more around him. 

The kick took him by surprise.

“That’s enough!” The black irises were gleaming with anger and of what looked like tears ready to spill. In the background, they could hear the hand-clapping meaning the intermission was over. “Control yourself!”

“I’m sorry,” Don stammered. Leo seemed truly angry. He couldn’t afford to have Leo upset and unwilling just a few hours before his patience and hard work got rewarded. “I was impatient.” It was such a miserable explanation. “You were so gorgeous and…”

Leo stood up, with the face and the stance of a wrathful empress.

“I would never have thought you would be so unprofessional!” he hissed, clenching his kimono as if he was a vestal trying to protect himself. “I can’t believe you!”

Don took the insult like a slap across the face. If there was anything he was proud of, it was of his work.

“I wasn’t unprofessional when I picked a less superior actor or when I changed the end of the play on your whim,” the playwright snarled. “Neither when I dragged the theater near bankruptcy because of those expensive fantasies of yours!” Don was riled up and couldn’t help himself. “This pure silk kimono had been paid for by me. If I want to tear it into shreds, I can! If I want to fuck you and cum on it, I can! I’m the director!” He threw his hand above his head like a crazy puppet while pacing. “If I want to lengthen an intermission, I can! And if I want to replace you with the understudy, I can!” he shouted, stopping his pacing to shake Leo by his shoulders. “I’m not only your boss and your landlord, but I’m also more and less friends with any other director and producer in New York. I can destroy your career before it's even started! No one would hire you!”

Leo stared at him with wide eyes as Don realized he needed to control himself. He was about to ruin everything. He didn’t mean to blackmail Leo. He had no idea why he had sprouted such harsh words when what he really wanted was to spoil and cherish Leo. Maybe it was because he didn’t have Pervitin anymore, but he wanted to get rid of this near addiction.

“I’m sorry, the stress of the premiere…” Don mumbled, brushing nervously at his slick hair. It wasn’t an excuse. Leo had all the rights to be even more stressed out than him.

“Do you want my briefs to jerk off with?” The suggestion had been made in a neutral voice. “You will know I have nothing under my kimono and you could smell my underwear or...whatever you want to do with it.”

It was Don’s turn to stare. Obviously, despite trying his best to be understanding and indulging, Leo still thought of him as a pervert. The fact was that on any other occasion, Donnie would have been turned on. To know Leo was naked under his clothes and sniff the Ivory soap smell of the brief was enough to calm him down. But now, after the way he had spoken to Leo, Don was too uneasy to be content with it.

“I can wait until home,” he replied softly. “You were right. This is not the moment nor the place.”

He looked expectantly at Leo to see if the promise of physical love was still on the table. 

“Of course,” Leo replied gloomily. 

The silence stretched for about a minute before Leo broke it.

“I have to go. See you at the restaurant.”

The dismissal was clear. Leo didn't even want Don to congratulate him in his dressing room after the show. The director couldn’t blame him, after his mad power-trip and the harsh words and threats he spat. 

“I will make it up to you at home,” Don fervently promised. In his bed later, he would show Leo he could be patient and gentle and will awake his lover’s body slowly and with consideration.

Leo made a sneer but didn’t reply, storming off the dressing room and Don regretted not having taken the underwear offer.

****

For weeks, Don had tried to not let his mind linger too much about the possible scandal the musical’s final scene could provoke. But when he heard the standing ovation he was overwhelmed with relief and his first thought was for Leo. Hidden behind a curtain, he watched the crew bowing. He couldn’t have a good look at Leo from this spot, but he could imagine Leo’s face. The waiter must be blissful to see the full theater standing for him. For years, this hope had driven Leo to work so hard. The young mixed Japanese’s dream had come true and it was thanks to him. Don hoped that despite the awful scene they had, the actor would find in his heart enough gratitude to finally consider loving him back for good. He was now called on the stage and eager to see his lover up close, he walked under the applause. On an impulse, he snatched Leo’s hand to bow together to associate both of their glory. He felt Leo’s hand stiffen in his but the actor didn’t fight him. But at the exact moment when the curtain fell, after the second curtain call, Leo broke free, avoiding his gaze.

Don refused to be hurt by it. He lit up a cigarette and congratulated everyone in a strangled voice and proposed to celebrate at Sardi’s. He could see they were surprised to see the severe director offering to treat them, but everyone seemed to be looking forward to it and Don explained the reservation was in 30 minutes from now. Leo had made a beeline to his dressing room and Don hesitated about what to do. Leo didn't want to see his face but he had said that before the epic standing ovation of ten minutes. It was now obvious the musical would be a success.

Wilson came from nowhere, kicking him out of his thoughts. 

“Good one, Donnie,” the old man said. The producer seemed more embarrassed than glad. “I admit I was worried…”

Don smirked absentmindedly. He wasn’t the kind to rub errors in the other’s face. He himself had too many flaws for that, but a familiar silhouette caught his attention.

“What are you doing here, Raph!” he shouted, flustered. It wasn’t Raph’s presence that shook him. His cousin had told him about his intention to assist his play. It was nothing new. But the fact that Raph was wandering backstage with a bouquet was very new. Don wasn’t enough of an idiot to think the white rose bouquet was for him. 

Please, Don prayed. Make he is enamored of some actress from the play, but he knew deep down who flowers were for.

“Who are you looking for,” he asked, his voice clipped. He was already shaking with anger but had to control himself. Raph’s dirty money had paid for the debts and would pay at the restaurant. He couldn’t snap at a man who lent him $7000 two days ago.

Raph grinned smugly and the bad feelings made him want to howl. 

“For who else if not for the new big Broadway star! I admit I had been greatly impressed. He’s not just a cute face and a nice ass. You have an eagle eye.”

Don turned livid and Raph chuckled.

“I was impressed by your play too. I never thought Broadway could produce something so deep. Damn, it even makes me consider my life choice,” Raphael taunted and Don squeezed the fist that wasn’t holding the cigarette. He knew what Raph meant by life choice.

“He won’t accept anything from you,” Don retorted. Indeed, Leo was likely to stomp the flower or slap Raph with them. 

“I hope so!” Raph exclaimed with a shark-like grin. “Taming fierce Princesses is too much fun.”

He waved a derisive hand and walked to Leo’s dressing room. Don felt his sleeve being tugged and he jerked when the unsmoked cigarette burned him.

“Are you alright, Don?” Wilson asked with concern.

No, Donne wasn’t. He felt like a dark cloud had invaded his brain. He couldn’t afford to lose it and threw a jealous tantrum in public. Leo would never forgive him. To stay calm he repeated like a mantra that Leo disliked Raph, would kick his sorry ass out, and his cousin would end humiliated in a way he couldn’t reproach Don for it. And more importantly, he thought while brushing his suit, he would soon collect his reward. Then, he would finally feel what people called happiness. 

“I’m fine. Would you give me the pleasure of dining with us?”

****

They were at the dessert course and Don cast a concerned look at Leo across the table. Maybe it was because it was his birthday or because he was still in the afterglow of the standing ovation but Leo was drinking much more than usual. The young man was more fond of sweet, de-alcoholized drinks but now he was at his fifth glass of white wine.

Did Raph tell him something upsetting? It could be. What Don knew was that when he managed to get free, he had found the flowers in a trash bin. He had felt relief and had even chastised himself for having been so worried over nothing. Raph wasn’t the kind of guy to be persistent in the long run. At the moment, he was curious and mostly driven to piss him off by stealing something from Donnie, but Leo’s refusals would tire him pretty soon. Maybe, at the moment, his cousin had already put his hand in between a new girl’s cleavage. 

“I’m going to the restroom,” Leo announced, standing up. He stumbled a little and the manager who was supervising their service helped him find his balance. Don glared at the man, but seeing Leo ambling to the bathroom door, he wiped his mouth of whipped cream and excused himself just after the restroom door closed behind the young actor. Not paying mind to the murmurs and not giving a damn about the gossip his behavior must arise, he went to the restroom. Inside, Leo was nowhere to be seen, probably occupying one of the stalls. But an attendant was there to give them a warm towel and Don snatched a $2 banknote from his wallet for him to leave. One moment later, Leo left one of the stalls and before the actor could compose himself, Don had the time to see the displeasure on Leo’s face upon seeing him.

“Are you alright?” the playwright asked in a sweet voice, despite the cold eyes Leo made that burned his chest like hot coal. “You drank a lot and you are not used to it.”

Leo opened the tap to wash his hand, his features frozen in an inexpressive mask. 

“We have to go home, right?” he asked, not meeting Don’s inquisitive eyes. Leo splashed some water in his face. “For you to fuck me.”

Don gulped. Putting it like that, it sounded bad and he tried to twist the situation to a brighter side.

“Did you hear the standing ovation, Leo?” He decided to do a move, but not too bold, embracing the younger man from behind, kissing the back of his neck. “You are about to be a superstar.”

Leo didn't reply but he could read some desperation in his almond-shaped eyes. The actor looked like he was about to be sick. 

“You are not feeling well, let's head home,” Don suggested, turning the softest look he could for Leo to not feel sicker. 

“You are in such a hurry?” Leo sneered sourly and the director scowled. His worry was genuine and he didn’t understand a bit why Leo was so gloomy when the play had been such a success. 

“Did my cousin tell you something upsetting?” he murmured. It could be. Perhaps Raphael had told him about the money and Leo was mad. But the theater money wasn’t Leo’s business. Anyway, Don doubted it was the reason, Raph has flaws but he wasn’t a snitch. 

“He told me that if I sleep with him I could make it to Hollywood,” Leo said and Don stared, his fingers digging into Leo’s arms. He knew Leo had refused but still, a betrayal hurt.

“You refused?” Don spoke the obvious.

Leo raised his chin, staring at him.

“I did. If I have to sleep with a man, it must at least be with someone with more serious feelings.”

Don wasn’t sure how to take this reply, but Leo didn’t give him time to think.

“Let's head home and get it over with,” he exclaimed, looking away and trying to break free.

Don felt a heavy weight on his heart. Leo was consenting but uneager, and he didn’t want sex at the price of forcing the young man. Perhaps Leo wasn’t ready, but he chased away the thought. Leo was anxious from shyness and inexperience and was seeing the whole thing more negatively than he was. It was in this state of mind that he paid the restaurant bill and drove towards home, trying to ignore how stiff Leo was.

In their bedroom, it wasn’t any better, even if everything was supposed to be like he had dreamed. Leo wore the kimono once more to become undressed once more, allowing Don to worship his body for two hours. But even at the testimony of patient foreplay, Leo stayed as stiff as steel all the way. Don stayed only half-hard a long part of it in front of such a discouraging lack of eagerness.

“Are you not happy?” he asked mournfully. “I’m not hurting you nor am I forcing you, am I?” Donnie wanted to know, very upset. After nine months of daydreams and nightly fantasies, it was a huge disappointment to see Leo so unresponsive. 

“Take me,” Leo mumbled. “Do whatever you like.”

Don raised his head from the nipple he was sucking on. He did some foreplay with Leo before and the young man had been much more sensitive to it. But now, it was like Leo had been turned into the iceberg that sank the Titanic. Was he too drunk?

“What’s the matter?” With his hand, Don stroked Leo’s hair in a way he hoped was comforting. “I love you and want you, but if you don’t want it…”

“I want to make you happy,” Leo replied, avoiding his gaze. “You believed in me, worked hard and did a lot for me.” 

Donald paused his move. Leo drank so much because he dreaded this, his brain told him. He blew a fuse at the theater because he didn’t have the time to brace himself because he didn’t want it. Sex with Don was repelling to the waiter, but the playwright tried to not panic at the realization.

“You are paying a debt, then,” he murmured, horrified but rational. All the previous time, Leo must have faked to be aroused, to get Don moving forward like a carrot for a donkey. “You don’t love me at all.” Even if he always suspected as such, it was still a deep blow. 

“I am,” Leo agreed. “But you are wrong when you say that I don’t love you. I do but in my way. The truth is...I don’t like sex,” he confessed and Don stared in disbelief as if a piano fell on his head like in cartoons. “Watching people doing it could turn me on just as some caresses,” Leo continued. “I can masturbate and have an orgasm, but…”

“Those women, then?” Don refused to believe what Leo just said. No man could dislike sex. It made even less sense with someone as attractive as the actor was. Moreover, he knew Leo had been warming the beds of widows from war.

“Older women… are less bad,” Leo struggled to explain. “They are easy to please and… I feel more at ease,” the actor clarified. “I spoil them but they don’t touch me, except for kisses and I don’t mind kisses or cuddles. I keep control and…Men aren’t the same.”

“Have you gone all the way with another man?” Don’s question was sharp. He knew he had already asked, but nothing was making sense now. Leo had a body made for love. He couldn't be frigid. “Let me try it. If you dislike it, I would stop and never bother you again.”

Leo let him spread his legs and breach him. As Don had imagined, it felt incredibly good. But he couldn’t dismiss the fact that despite Leo’s brave act, he wasn’t enjoying it a bit. The director closed his eyes and tried to let himself be carried away by the sensation but it was impossible. Don was a sinner but not a scumbag.

He pulled away with a snarl but didn’t have enough energy left to just storm off and vent off on a prostitute. He didn’t repel Leo when the young man curled against him. Somewhere, he knew he had been played. Leo had pretended they could be lovers until the premiere. Now, Don was too far gone to step back. But was it not his first belief that Leo was straight? Faking coldness was only a way to spare Don’s feelings. The actor was a normal young man and the fact that he allowed Don to do so much against his nature was too good for him already.

“I want us to be a good team,” Leo whispered. “Love isn’t about sex. My mother had been raped by my father and he didn’t love her, but my mother had a relative who deeply loved her without even touching her. This is the kind of relationship I’m aiming at. And well, I’m not that bad. I don’t mind some intimate gestures and as you know, I can understand if you want to get more through other means.”

Don stayed silent, staring at the ceiling. What he could tell was that his childhood had left a deep impression on the little Ren. Having a prostitute as a mother made him consider sexuality as something unmeaningful and even deceiving. After so long to have dreamed of this moment, he wasn’t sure he could find the strength to talk. But he knew he couldn’t cancel the musical just because Leo wasn’t gay. It would be too unfair and a waste. Most of the time, the young man was charming. Perhaps, it was too soon. He had confessed only a few weeks ago. Maybe with love and tender care, Leo would change.

Exhaustion took him and he decided he would think about it tomorrow. He let himself be snuggled and kissed, appreciating it and hating himself for being so easily swayed away by mere affectionate displays.

“Happy birthday Leo,” he said as a goodnight. If it was still as painful by tomorrow, he would hang himself from their ceiling. Leo wouldn’t miss him, so why not? And Don closed his eyes on his shattered dreams. 

  
  
  



	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no beta

When Don woke up, it was with a feeling of doom. It took him a few seconds to remember why. The desire to die, to stop his meaningless existence, was more vivid than the day before. That Leo was sleeping, curled up against him wasn’t mollifying how cheated he feels. Not making any move to wake up the young actor, Don took details of him, his sleepy face, fair skin, and long eyelashes. The anger crept into him. How did Leo dare to sleep so peacefully when Don’s heart was feeling as raw and beaten up as he was fighting for his life in the French trenches? A weird, ugly and twisted impulse to choke the life out of Leo, squeezing his liar’s throat took him, but of course, it was the time of a heartbeat. He brushed with a hesitating finger Leo’s neck, as he was afraid of himself and from what he could do. He didn’t even want to think back of how much in trouble he put himself for this boy he could never have. 

Doubt seized him when his gaze landed on Leo’s half-opened lips, sleeping next to him. You don’t look so handsome when you are frigid. The suspicion that Leo had lied to him to get off the hook retook the playwright. The waiter fucked with this ginger-haired mid-aged women, so why not him? Don’s rational part knew the answer: he had an eleven-inches long cock and wanted to shove it up Leo’s ass, a thing the poor Mrs. O’ Neil couldn’t do. But his emotional side didn’t feel it was a good reason enough. He loved Leo, cared about him in a way no one does before, and proved it many times.  
For so much unconditional adoration, Leo could make an effort, right? Don could understand he wasn’t appealing for a straight man, but he had shown so much devotion and patience, and what about how the cash he had spent? Of course, Leo never explicitly asked for such, but Don felt he had been misled on purpose. Leo could have a high school level education, he was clever. He knew from the beginning what Don hoped and keep waving at him his ass like a carrot to make a donkey walk. Leo knew about his expectations; Don had been very clear and Leo himself had talked openly about it a few times. The actor was always postponing his surrender until ‘his life would be less troubled. In fact, Leo had never intended to have sex with him from the beginning. He never said such, in fear Don stop the play. But now, the scheme was obvious; and Leo was like a guy eating at a restaurant and running away without paying the tab. He glanced again at the man, sleeping next to him. How a person could have such a dark soul and such pure features? And bitterly, Donnie decided that what was maybe the more remarkable in the young waiter without education was his formidable intelligence. Leo was smarter than himself in any case.

The actor had acted like a con-artist, just giving enough to keep Don’s on his toes, while collecting the more he could get from Don, pressing him like a lemon. Now Leo has a sweet lemonade but, If there something Don hated, it was to be taken for a fool. 

Frustrated and upset by his own train of thought, Don grabbed the sleeping man’s head to kiss him forcefully, opening the lips and shoveling his tongue in the other man’s mouth as he tried to kill him with it, in his despair.

Leo’s first reaction was to briefly struggle, before letting himself being violated by the mouth. This acceptance did nothing to ease Don. Leo was numb in his arms when he wanted him shaking with pleasure. 

He draws away as he had been burned and jumped out of bed, letting Leo dazed by the sudden move.

“I’m going to take a shower. A shower cold as you,” Don spat, walking away with nervous strides. Leo didn’t utter a word. “Don’t follow me, admitting you could have the intention.”

Without waiting for an answer, Don slammed the door behind him as he entered the bathroom. Inside, he could have his overdue meltdown and to not be heard and raise more pity, he turned the shower faucet and stepped in. He stared at the tilling, staying under the cold spray, the soap in hand, but his arm resting limply against his body as he had no force. Usually, he jerked off in the shower, to stay cold-headed during the day and thought of Leo the whole time. But now, this was over. He was done getting deeper into this hopeless passion. He slammed his fist twice on the wall, not too hard for Leo to heard but enough for Don to feel pain and tears ran down his face. His mind replayed Leo’s words and he tried to find in them some hope as he wanted to find in them none. He has to move on before things went worse. He had already made a fool of himself enough The play was a success and Don decided that it was a reason to continue the representations. Then, for his next play, he would take another actor. He owes nothing to Leo. The waiter should consider himself lucky enough to climb on a stage a few months. Don was so benevolent, he would even let a month for Leo to find another place to live and until then, Leo could sleep in the extra room as people believed he does. Don won’t be an asshole to Leo because the guy wasn’t a homo and didn’t dare to tell him. There would be no hard feeling from one part and the other. He could act mature despite having been rejected. Don would stop chasing Leo and lust for him, and rent whores as he was doing before. Gay love was already a fruitless one, but with someone who wasn’t loving you back, it was twice insane. That Don back off could only lift a weight on the lead actor’s shoulders since he disgusted him that much, Don thought sourly. He tried to fill his mind with erotic images of unknown men, but despite his will, his mind pictured raven black-hair, pale skin, and almond-shaped eyes. 

Too bad, he wouldn’t definitively jerk off, but being pent up a little more or less wouldn’t do a big difference anyway. He resumed washing his body, scrubbing hard as he wanted to wipe the love away as it was a skin disease. The view of his own body, all in slender limbs and his flaccid cock was intolerable. Why was he living? What the point to have a body, no one would caress? Why, why, having a sensitive heart easy to hurt and a brain that could be a genius, but didn’t prevent him from falling in love with someone he couldn’t have. An urge to hurt himself seized him, but digging his nails in his own flesh wasn’t satisfying enough. But he had no weapon in his damn bathroom, having even a safety razor. 

Don wasn’t owning a gun, neither. To have one would make him feel like his cousin Raph. There was no need to protect himself neither. He was too tall and well, not looking wealthy enough for people to get envious. He couldn’t have guessed that one day, he would regret not having one to shot himself in the head. 

The cold water pouring on him for a while now, made him shiver and he stepped off the shower. To face Leo wasn’t something his heart was ready for, despite his internal speech. He wasn’t even sure what he wanted; to kill himself or postpone for a few weeks. The play was a success, his biggest hit so far, he thought again but without any enthusiasm. Maybe he should continue, surf on the success wave and this new fame would attract some men and form now on, it would be easiest to get a sex partner. Because he wouldn’t even hope to get a lover, now. His heart would be shut to anybody forever.

Don glanced at his own reflection, leaning over the sink to be close to the mirror. Without his glasses, he couldn’t see very well and he wanted to have a good look at himself to vow to never fall in love again. 

A timid knock was heard from the other side of the door, but Don was startled as it was a bomb.

“Don? Are you alright?” Leo was asking, his voice soft and full of concern. The damn hypocrite, Don cursed through his teeth, his hands clenching the edge of the sink as his whole body turned tense. 

“I’m fine,” Don retorted, trying to sound indifferent and slightly cold, but to his own ears, it seemed to the verge of hysteria. “Go grab some croissant and leave me alone.”

“I already did,” Leo replied and Don snickered to his reflection. While he was crying his soul out, Leo was out buying breakfast with Don’s own money. “I also bought a newspaper. You have to get a look at it!” 

So this is what it was about. Leo had run to a newspaper stand to read their musical critic. Don rolled his eyes, not interested. It was probably good news, just by listening to Leo’s voice. But Don couldn’t fake to be happy to save his own life. 

“I’m not in the mood,” he retorted, even if he pretended to be okay a minute ago. “Please, just go away.”

“But…” the voice was now confused. 

“I told you to leave,” Don snapped, hitting the sink with his fist. Then, he ran his hand down his face, regretting his outburst. Whatever he liked it or not, Leo was the lead actor of his play. He could use the understudy to spite Leo, but the play would drop in quality. Leo’s single flaw was to not being turned on by Don’s body. Indeed, why would he? Don was tidy and took great care of his body, not about the shape but the neatness. But he noticed how the dark brown body hair growing on his flat chest and his square, raspy jaw. His mind reminded him of Mrs. O’Neil, her image overlapping his. She could be older than Don, she had a milky complexion and her rare body hair must have a subtle golden hue. She has curves and soft skin and Leo probably never felt nervous around her. “Maybe you should return to your aunt’s place. I mean your aunt, that isn’t your aunt. The red-haired one.” Don’s voice was sounding harsh, but it was because each of these words was like a heated hairpin in his heart. “It would be for the best, for both of us,” he finished, trying to control the feelings overwhelming him.

For a moment, there was silence and Don waited with a pounding heart, half dreading Leo would take the effort and hoping for it. 

“Open the door now, Donnie,” Leo said. The tone of the young man had been clipped like he was a general giving order around. “There something I want to give you.”

“I don’t care about these newspapers.” It was maddening. Why was Leo insisting?

“This is not about the newspapers,” Leo promised. “It’s about you and me.”

There was a hint of stubbornness in the voice and Don decided he couldn’t be a coward locked in his bathroom forever. This house was his place; the whole building was, so there was no reason he accepted to be cornered in this 7x8 bathroom. He braced himself and put on his pants and eyeglasses before opening the door.

In front of him, Leo was staring at him with earnest eyes. The kimono silk layer was on him, open, unveiling the forbidden body. While scanning him, he noted the newspaper was in the actor’s hand and Don shoved Leo aside, the towel around his shoulder. He had been tricked again? Of course, Leo wanted to talk about the play. He had never taken his sight off from his goal while playing with Don. 

He walked to the kitchen, determined to ignore Leo behind him. He refused to look at him. Leo’s onyx gaze was able to influence his mind too easily. 

He took a banana from the fruit bowl and started eating it without looking at the actor, leaning on the counter with a closed expression.

But being ignored was something Leo wasn’t used to and didn’t appreciate, either. He walked toward Don and boldly removed the banana from his hand.

“I need your attention,” Leo declared and the word ‘need’ piss Don off.

“How daring of you to speak about your needs…” He was about to add when he had been denied, but then, he remembered it wasn’t quite the truth. Leo didn’t resist at all and a very fleeting moment, Don wondered if he wasn’t overreacting and overthinking. He should maybe have ignored Leo’s lack of eagerness and just pound into him in the mattress. It wasn’t like he was rapping him since Leo had consented. Maybe, in the long run, Leo would have liked it, and possibly Don wouldn’t be so unhappy. It wasn’t any different from doing it with the prostitutes. Those whores were more responsive, but Leo was neater and prettier. But he shushed this voice in his mind. He knew it wasn’t right; it could never be the same. “Anyway, I don’t give a damn about the critic. It could be a success, it could be a fail... I’m not fit for directing.” Don waved his hand dismissively. He wasn’t sure what he meant by these words, but he felt them. He felt to quit everything and just bury himself. He knew Leo was watching him closely, but he avoided the inquisitive gaze.

“Don’t look at me if you don’t want to, but please, listen,” the young man pleaded. “I was too drunk and nervous yesterday. I worded my feelings wrongly,” Leo stated and Don hated himself to feel hope overwhelming him in such a short sentence. “I can’t be as you wish me to be. Not right now, but there a few things I could do…”

Whit a shake of his head, Don glanced down. Damn, how could it hurt again to heard these words at it was the first time? Don interrupted Leo, raising his hand to stop him, but still refusing to look at him. 

“Kisses and cuddle won’t cut it,” he said coldly.

“I wasn’t talking about that,” Leo said, seizing Don’s raised hand to pull it to his mouth. It was such an unexpected move that out of instinct, Don turned his head to look. Leo brushed the fingertips with his half-opened lips while staring at him with those gorgeous, pitch-black eyes of his. It was so an inviting gesture Don’s breath caught in his throat. “I can suck you off,” Leo proposed, and to heard the obscene words coming from Leo’s mouth shocked Don so much that he forgot his icy act and gasped. The young actor swirled his tongue around the digit. Leo’s tongue was a surprisingly pretty pink color and the way it flicked out was like a neon sign flashing. “If you promise to not grab my head and pull on on it.”

Don must still be staring like an idiot because Leo felt forced to explain himself.

“This way, I keep control. Or if you want to go all the way, we need to switch our position. It’s unfair,” Leo made a gesture to signify he wasn’t done when Donnie wanted to interrupt him. “You don’t want to bottom and I respect that. But why I wouldn’t be allowed to feel the same? I’m a beginner, much more than you. If you want to baby-step me to bottom, it’s either I do you until I feel comfortable enough to switch or...we keep this at the foreplay level for a while.” 

Don wanted to retort something, but again, Leo wasn’t over his speech.

“I know you expected I will give myself to you at the premiere. It’s put a lot of pressure on me. The fact is I’m not ready. I know you feel you have been patient, but…” Leo had an uneasy chuckle. “It could seem ridiculous to you who are used to many partners, but I’m actually kind of scared about it. I know I should not, but I can’t help himself. It’s unnerving. You have quite... a huge thing, down there. Anyway,” Leo brushed his hair nervously, struggling to find his words and Don just watched him, drinking each of the actor’s words. “Despite my discomfort, I did my best to not disappoint you. I tried to trust you, because what we have it’s important to me.”

Tears shone in the black eyes, all of a sudden and Don felt a pit in his stomach at such a heartbreaking sight. “Now, I see it wasn’t enough for your liking," Leo murmured bitterly. "Because you didn’t fuck me, you already want to get rid of me and send me back to Auntie April. I so hoped I was special to you and your feelings were running deep. It is such a bad thing to be nervous and unexperimented?”

Don was astonished. He had no idea Leo had felt that way. He wanted to object to something and explain that the reason he was upset was more profound than he didn’t get to fuck Leo. But it was like there was no weak point in Leo’s argument. Indeed, if Donnie had to be honest, he never found appeal into bottoming. That Leo had reservations about it was a huge obstacle, but Don could call him off for it when he felt the same. But even if he could understand, it wasn’t settling the situation a bit. Even worse, Don had no idea what to retort. Refusing to bottom while demanding Leo to do it was giving a rather cheap impression of Don’s feelings. He could follow the young man reasoning; if Donnie loved him as much as he pretended, he would rather endure being fucked or accept what Leo was willing to give him. 

Where was his genius brain when he needed him to work?

"I didn't know..." the director stammered. He removed his eyeglasses to pinch the bridge of his nose, trying to focus to find words. 

But whatever idea his brain could form die on the spot when Leo took the digit in his mouth again, sucking on it.

“In addition to kisses and cuddles, I can give you this,” Leo proposed again, his voice husky and his eyes shining no more from tears. He kissed Don’s fingers. “I can go down on my knee and suck you every time, you feel pent up. You work so hard. Sex isn’t about penetration, only.” Having uttered these words, Leo let go of the hand to slowly kneel. “If you promise me to be faithful from the heart and to bring them here, I can help you tying up your partner,” he proposed, stroking Don’s tight thought the pants fabric. He carefully moved his hand to unzip the pants, as he feared the director’s reaction. “I will stay there and watch or left as it would please you. Until...until I’m ready for more. But to be fully honest, I have no idea how long it could take.”

Don knew already he had lost the battle, again. He tried to convince himself that Leo’s reasons were sensible and it wasn’t that bad. But he didn’t want to yield without Leo having to give up something too. 

“Alright, Leo,” he agreed with a shaky breath. “I can understand it could take you time to get used to the idea and I won’t ever force you. I don’t want to hold a doll, either, so I will be patient. But I need to know I can give you pleasure. A one that you couldn’t fake by moaning or making an erotic face.”

He just threw in Leo’s face that he suspected the man was pretending all the previous times. The actor didn’t overreact by protesting his pleasure had been genuine. Don snickered, but Leo's face stayed unbothered.

“How should I do that?” he asked quietly.

“I want to see you climaxing.” It could seem childish, but Don needed this validation. “I want to know that when we are touching, I can make you feel good. I don’t need to fuck you, as you put it,” he explained gravely. He hoped that what he was about to say would make sense. “And I’m not a jerk to be content to be the only one getting off. I want to give you pleasure. As you know, I worked very hard to make you happy, but if I couldn't sexually please you, I feel like a failure. And if I fail this, I can’t be with you.”

The second part had been told with a strained voice and was making less sense, but Leo had pulled out his cock, twirling his tongue over the tip as a rope dancer. Leo was watching him from above, his eyes locked with Don’s. It was such a glorious sight to see, so beautiful, the silky kimono sliding on his naked shoulder and his mouth full of him. The display in front of him was even better than any erotic fantasy he could daydream about in the last year. He would never have hoped that much three months ago at Sardi’s. The director couldn’t stop watching even if he tried. The youngest man’s tongue was finding every sensitive crevice up and down his swollen flesh, letting a trail of saliva on any vein. Damn, he wouldn’t last long, Don realized when Leo took him deeper. But the truth was that Leo’s throat was sinfully skilled for a man who must never have performed fellatio. 

Irrelevantly he thought back of Mrs. O’Neil’s comment about Leo’s silver tongue. Indeed, it must be criminal to be that handsome, clever and skilled. Don was no match. He bit back a moan and tried again, thus. 

“I’m cumming...But you would cum as well for me right after.”

Leo made a noise sounding like an agreement.

“I’m cumming” he repeated again. He knew the taste of sperm was disgusting and he wanted to spare Leo. He felt that he would get addicted to these blow-jobs and if he wished to Leo still provide them, Don had to not put him off. “Just step back. I will finish myself.”

The noise the actor made sounded like a protest and he started sucking Donnie’s dick as his life depended on it. Maybe not his life, but his career an evil voice whispered from the part of his brain not clouded by lust. But Donnie refused to rain on his own parade and he shot his load in the welcoming throat.

He regretted his selfish move and jerked the actor arm to make him stand up and greedily kissed him. He caressed Leo’s tongue with his as to slurp the bitter semen that must remain in Leo’s mouth. It was awful, sour and salty at once and lukewarm, but Don could have gotten hard again by it. But it wasn’t about him anymore and with a swift move, he grabbed Leo’s half-hard cock, pumping it.

“Give me one, too,” he exclaimed, his breathing ragged. “Show me!”

Leo tried to hide his face in the hollow of his neck, but the playwright moved in a way he couldn’t.

“Look at me!” Don urged. In his guts, Donnie felt it. They were at a crossing path in their relationship. If Leo refused to give him this, something he had no good reason to decline, it was over. It wasn't only about self-esteem issues Don could have. I would mean that the whole smooth-talking of earlier was only a scheme to press the lemon a little more. It would mean Leo couldn’t be aroused by him and Don, even if he struggled to explain it with words know that even if he loved Leo as crazy, sexuality was a too important part of a gay relationship. They couldn’t marry nor have children. They couldn't hold hands in the street for fuck sake! They have to hide any single thing a couple usually enjoy. So could they have a little pleasure to bear with all the things they would never know? As Leo said, sex can’t be summed up to only penetration, and yeah, to keep Leo, Don was ready to drop this part. But he needed to know Leo could cum and lose his composure by his doing.

The actor was shaking in his arms and the black gaze had lost of his sharpness. It was like Leo could barely keep his eyes open and he let out some whimpers. This time Don felt it was genuine and not an ego stroke to keep Don working on this damn play.

At the same moment, they were knocks on the door, but Don refused to get distracted by it. Then he heard the voice of his mother, excited talking about the play. 

“Come back later, I’m busy!” he shouted, his voice hoarse, hoping his mother would get the hint. “Busy with my actor, if you catch my drift!” he added. To the hell with discretion. 

He kissed Leo breathlessly to be sure the actor couldn’t protest and demand him to open the door.

“Forget about it,” he murmured lovingly when he needed to pull away to breathe. Anyway, he was sure his mother had run away hearing his scandalous reply to go pray or something. He stroked Leo’s hair, gazing at him with adoration. “Focus on me, focus on the pleasure your body feels. Relax.”

Never Don had felt more confident and at ease. Leo’s cock was slick with precum, making it easier for Don to pull on it. Leo’s knees were about to give out. The actor was leaning on him to not lose his balance. He felt it twitch in his palm and with a thrill of victory, Don knew he had brought Leo there. He pulled back Leo’s head, to be sure to not lose anything of the show as his lover tipped over the edge. He drank Leo’s image as the actor climaxed to be sure to burn it in his memory as he felt Leo spill on his hand. He milked him to the last drop and when he felt Leo’s knee buckle, he picked him up effortlessly. He walked into the living room and put Leo on the couch, kneeling next to him.

“Do you want to take a bath?” he asked, brushing the hair damped by the sweat. He was whispering, as ripping an orgasm from Leo could pay back badly.

“I will take a shower.” Leo wasn’t looking at him straight in the eyes but didn’t seem upset or mad and so, Don decided it was shyness. “But meanwhile, go to apologize to your mother. We will talk when you come back.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> third edition. its keep showing an old version????

It’s been almost three months since the premiere. They had settled into a comfortable routine. It wasn’t a blissful happiness, but something that allowed Don to be quiet and shut down his urges. He was still forced to hold back, unable to touch Leo as much as he would have wanted. But Leo seemed to have an acute sense for those moments. Every time Don was feeling upset, the actor was there, languidly offering his body, as he was a lump of meat given in sacrifice to old Gods to bring the rain. Don could kiss and stroke the vanilla skin, as he wanted and the youngest man answered those by caresses of his own. They never went further than handjob and blowjobs, and Leo was still kind of shy when he was time to show his pleasured face, but it was just enough for Don to not turn insane.

The play was still an undeniable success. After a few representations, the young actor had added something, with his instinct for publicity. At one moment, he stretched now his long leg, to unveil his perfectly toned calf. Since it was at the moment he was playing the geisha, he had to wear flesh-colored pantyhose, to make it look more feminine. At first, people had been shocked. To show some legs wasn’t any new, from a Ziegfeld Girl, but not from a male actor, even less in this seductive way. But despite some indignant comments, the public was running to see the musical so scandalous about what seemed like a twisted love between two males from another ethnicity. Two weeks after the premiere, Leo had got his first interview and Don had been anxious, chain-smoking nervously in the same room. He had refused to leave, worried by what the reporter could ask. Among the ones who wanted to interview him, Leo had chosen a woman, in his forty. Don knew her, a narrow-minded woman but with a poisonous quilt that could destroy Leo’s career. But at the question Don dreaded, Leo replied smoothly with a diplomatic spirit himself didn’t have.

“Are your character in love with the American lieutenant? What do you think about such a thing as love between two men?”

“They got punished at the end, right?” Leo made his Mona Lisa smile. “So, morality is safe.”

“But what do you think about it? Do you think such a thing could happen as a homosexual love, including soldiers? Aren’t then too manly?” she asked and Don rolled his eyes. Himself was looking manly, maybe not in a flashy way like a soldier, but no one could call him effeminate. And, yet, if there was a field at University about gay perversion, Don would have a master’s degree in it. There wasn’t a single minute of his day that he wasn’t daydreaming about dick and men’s ass. He wondered what Leo would do and if he would deny it. Of course, he would, Don decided, crushing with a trembling hand his cigarette. If Leo said there was nothing wrong about it, his career was over. Leo had worked too hard his damn life to lose everything for a moment of pride. Anyway, Leo could suck his dick and jerk him off and allow Don to do him the same, he wasn’t gay.

“I know it could surprise people, but…” Leo started and Don tensed. But the flashed a smile. “Could I call you Carol or it this rude from me?” he asked in his sweetness voice to the woman reporter. She nodded with a flush and Don gaped. What was this idiot doing? “So, one of my past times is visiting the museum and look through the art books. Unfortunately, I couldn’t go to college, but I really do love to learn.” He smiled again, to thank the reporter for being patient with him. “I remember seeing from a book an artifact pictures. I’m not sure if it was part of the British Museum, the Louvre, or the Staatliche Museen.” Leo seemed to be in deep reflection and Don was speechless about how bold it was to name a museum from Berlin in the same sentence as the other. Don guessed that the book Leo talked about was his. In his bookshelves, he had many art books. “But they show a great Greek warrior, Achilles I think, having intercourse with another one. Maybe, I’m wrong, I’m sorry, I’m not a scholar. Their mindsets of the Ancient were different, I know Samurai had some practice looking like that, but Samurai and Greek warriors are gone. I hope they would have enjoyed this musical. I wonder what they would think of it,” he added dreamily.

Don frowned, wondering where Leo was going. He was obviously trying to sidetrack the reporter but he doubted it would be enough. But, the woman nodded eagerly, praising Leo for his knowledge, so surprising for a young man. She asked him his age and a more and more confused Don watched his lover flirting shamelessly with the woman. No wonder that the next day, the columnist had spoken of him like Leo was a new star was born. His career was launched now and without a real scandal.

They were mid-April 1946 and the Spring fever was in the air. The memories of the War were fading away. Most of the soldiers were back home. People looked to pick up their lives where they had left off before the War or to start new ones. They were enthusiastic about being alive and return to normalcy, whatever it was for them. The stores were busier and on the sidewalk, there were more pregnant women. The ones who weren’t expecting a happy event were dressed more elegantly than he had seen for a while. A fresh, optimistic wind was blowing on New York City with the creation of the United Nations. The future was promising.

Don thought that indeed since he had met Leo one year ago, his life had improved. He wasn’t alone anymore. He had his crush at home, to cuddle and talk with while watching the DuMont television. The television was another gift for his lover. Leo was eager to get all the novelty. The day Frank Sinatra’s first studio album had been released, the director had made a line to get it from the music store. He had been paid off, by getting to see Leo dancing and singing every day since then. Don had also to run a few days ago to buy this new orange frozen drink called Minute Maid because Leo had heard about it and wanted to try this out. Don wasn’t minding. The musical was a success even more than he thought and so, a cheap orange juice was a fantasy they could afford. It was also nice to live with someone as lively as Leo. It was because the actor was young, and thinking of his own youth, in Parisian orgies, Don found Leo’s whim kind of innocent and cute. Maybe too innocent.

Leo tried to soothe his sexual needs and most of the time, it was enough. Don could have called a male prostitute for a new threesome. Leo had been the one suggesting it. But Don was reluctant. It would rub in his face that there was something wrong in his relationship with the mixed-Japanese if he did. If Leo loved him, he should not stand to share him. Don was sure he would never share his lover. So, the few times, Leo had talked about it, Don had turned down the favor and had pretended he was fine.

He wasn’t fine, really and was calling himself a greedy idiot to not be content with what he has, a stunning creature who allowed him to play with his genital despite having no pressing needs of his own.

The representation of tonight was almost over and Don, now more patient was waiting Leo join him in his office. From May 1, Don had decided to start looking for his next cast as Leo pressed him. The actor was eager to start the rehearse for the upcoming musical. DragonFly would play until September and then, the next one will begin immediately. It was okay with Donnie, who never minded working. For the next winter holiday, Don hoped to get on a trip with his lover, maybe in Hawai or Florida or wherever Leo wanted to go. He looked dreamily at the calendar on his office wall. By then, he decided, zeroing on December 31, 1946, Leo would be fully his. It would be over a year they live together and for the playwright, it was a long enough courtship and a testimony of his patience and genuine love. Anyway, Leo seemed to get a little more daring in his exploration. While his last seance of modeling, the day before, Leo had spread his buttocks and played with his hole. He had breached past the ring muscle to the first knuckle. For doing that, he was wearing sheering stocking and a garter belt to Donnie’s suggestion. Before that, he had never been into feminine clotyhing but he was running out of ideas to draw Leo differently during those so-called modeling sessions. He had discovered Leo could be another level of enticing. Don has a boner here in his office just thinking back about it. He took a swing from his glass, his mouth suddenly dry. To hold back had been hard as hell and he wasn’t sure if Leo was doing it to drive him crazy, or to test him or make him content. They could live together for months, the young man was still a mystery for him.

There was a knock at the door and Dick told Don someone wanted to see him. The director wondered who it could be. He glanced at his watch. The musical just ended a few minutes ago. Leo must be on the stage having his ovation. Was it again an interview request?

It was an understatement to said he was unpleased when his cousin Raphael was the visitor. Was he not supposed to be in Hollywood?

“What do you want?” Don asked. “I was about to leave.”

Raph removed his hat, smirking, glancing around.

“You are in a hurry to bang your Japanese doll at home?” he mocked.

Don glared, and, in his mind, a voice murmured that Raph would taunt him even more if he knew Don wasn’t even banging this ass, just admiring it. Indeed, if he hated to admit it, Leo was a kind of doll, who didn’t mind to be played with, to an extent.

“We are going to have a late dinner,” Don retorted, his voice clipped.

Raph said nothing, observing a black and white picture of Leo that Don had made framed to hang on his wall. He had made him being photographed by the best studio for the playbill. Leo was more handsome than any Hollywood star on it, for Don. Since Leo was his lead actor and would be for a while, Don guessed he could hang his framed picture without people being overly-curious about. Anyway, Don doesn’t care what the few people stepping in his office would think of it; he was the director, he could whatever he wanted. But the way Raph studied it crawl under his skin.

“Since when are you staring at male actors photos?” Don sneered. “Think of your macho womanizer reputation.”

“I think it doesn’t count when the bitch is as cute as he is.” Don’s face twisted in anger at the word bitch, but he didn’t have the time to burst and demand an apology. Raphael wasn’t done.

“Aunt Maria made me search on him.” He cast on Don a look of pity that froze the playwright to the morrow of his bones. “What I found about him isn’t pretty. Do you want to know?” he asked in a softer tone he never used with him.

Raphael was looking more grave than Don had ever seen him.

“No,” the playwright murmured, horrified, and dreadful. Then, he realized what he was doing. He should not show he had doubts about his beloved or Raph would use it against him.

“I don’t care whatever lies you are about to tell me,” he spat. “If you came here to try to mess my relationship with my actor, you can leave. I don’t need your approval or my mother for the matter.”

Raphael frowned.

“Loud talk for…”

“You’re the one loud.”

Leo had just pushed open the door, still wearing the soldier costume he had on the last scene. The young actor was livid, his lips still pinkish from the too quickly wiped red lipstick he wore in geisha.

“Director Perkins, I have professional matters to discuss with you,” he declared, his chin raised.

Raphael narrowed his eyes. Leo’s boldness was rubbing him the wrong way.

“I had business with him too and I was here before you,” he growled. “You could have a nice ass, you need more than that for…” While speaking, Raph had moved his arm, to seize Leo’s bicep but in a swift move, Leo sent him on the ground as he did to Don the night of the snowstorm.

“Don’t touch me,” Leo murmured, his dark eyes flashing threateningly. “Do it again and I snap your shoulder.”

The cigarette dropped off Don’s mouth and he crushed it. The violence was uncalled for. Even if he loved Leo like crazy and wanted Raph to leave, Raph was there before and maybe had something to discuss with him for real. He only touched Leo’s arm.

He stood up to help Raph to get up, but the bulkier man was already doing it and, in a blink, everything went downhill. Raph pulled from under his jacket a 38-caliber revolver and has the barrel on Leo’s forehead.

“Nice move, bitch, but I can be full of surprise too,” Raph said, grinning and Don stared flabbergasted by the turn of event. He grabbed his own chest as if he had a stroke or Raph shot at him. A long, warm liquid was pouring from him. Don felt so dizzy and shocked that he guessed that it was blood and he was dying. His knees buckled and he fell oh the ground. But there was no pool of blood around him and he suddenly realized that nothing had happened yet; there was no gunshot. But Raphael was still aiming at Leo’s a sadistic smirk on his face and Don remembered he could make a sound.

“Please,” he choked out.” Don’t.”

Leo was immobile, staring straight at Raphael, fearlessly, without blinking. The mafioso had a low chuckle.

“Please,” Don said again and he clung to Raph’s legs desperately. “He is young. Young people are short-tempered and impulsive. You know that! You have been young too!” Tears were running on his cheeks and while he was dragging himself to Raph’s foot Don realized why his pant was damp. He had pissed himself in fear while Leo didn’t flutter despite being the one being aimed at. “Let him go,” he continued, not minding to be that humiliated. “I can’t survive without him.” He tugged on Raph’s pants to get his attention. “I will do whatever you want, but let him go.”

“Really?” Raph sneered. “Undress him, then.”

Leo’s mouth twisted with anger while Don stared widely from the ground. Did Raph mean what he thought he means?

“Why?” he stammered.

“I want to see the body that drove my cousin crazy,” Raph replied. “Come on! Move your ass! You said you will do whatever I say. Then, you will suck on his nipples. I'm curious to see him losing his composure.”

“Don’t do it, Mr.Perkins.” Leo’s voice was flat, cold at the edge. “He is bluffing.”

Don gasped in front of the actor’s very calm demeanor, but he stretched hesitantly his hand towards the actor's belt. Leo slapped it away, as it was an annoying mosquito. "Don't!"

“You sure a Jap. You could have made a great kamikaze pilot,” Raph said, half-admirative, half-mocking.

“Thank you.”

The lust was pouring from Raph and Don released his hold on the pants, like he got frostbite.

“Now if you could remove your toy from my face, I will appreciate it,” Leo demanded. "And tell Mr.Perkins to stand up. Seeing in this state upset me!"

His cousin removed the gun and in front of a stunned Don, he pressed on the trigger to make appear a flame.

“Your boyfriend has a sharp eye. It’s a lighter I bought in Chinatown. It’s actually $4 but doesn’t it look real? Want a cigar, Don?” Raph loomed above him mocking, pulling from his jacket a golden case. “They’re from Cuba. You look like you need one.”

“it is to offer him a cigar that you came?” Leo was still acting the same as if the last 5 minutes didn’t happen. “Or do you have business with him?”

Raph glanced down and stayed silent. By his face, Don could guess what was on Raph’s mind. His cousin pitied him. But Don doesn’t mind if that means Leo would be off the limit for Raph. Because every time the actor was resisting him, Raph interest was growing.

“Aunt Maria begged me to bring you to her place for Easter,” he said casually. “She said that even if you live in the same building, she didn’t see you in months.” He looked back at Leo. “I don’t think you will oppose giving him a day off to have dinner with his mother.”

“I won’t. The love of a mother is too precious,” Leo retorted quickly. “Mr.Perkins could tell you I never did anything to pull him away from his family.”

It was true, but something else seemed to tickle Raph.

“I need to know…” he leaned over Leo, watching him. “It’s been three-time you call him Mr.Perkins. Are you not lovers, anymore?” Something in the voice of Raph suggested that if they weren’t, Leo could get another partner in five seconds flat.

“I keep a line between my personal and professional job. We are at the theater,” Leo said, not answering the question straightforwardly. “Besides, my love’s life is nothing of your concern.”

Raph didn’t reply and he studied Leo in silence a full minute. Leo born the examination without a flinch.

“You can see the difference between a real and fake gun, even if you are not familiar with,” he finally said lowly. “But I can see the difference between real and fake, too. How do you say ice cub in Japanese?” he asked, lighting his cigar.

“Aisukyūbu,” Leo spat.

Raphael had a snicker. “It’s hard as hell to pronounce. But from now I will call you Princess Aisu.” He blew his smoke in Leo’s face, smirking.” Because I knew an iceberg warmer than you that sank a passenger liner.”

Don could tell Leo was taken aback but relief overwhelmed him. He had no idea why, but Raph’s interest just dropped.

“See you tomorrow, Don. We will talk about business another time.”

Don stood up, still dazed. But suddenly, he felt how much all that had happened had humiliated him in front of his beloved. He had pissed himself, had been about to undress Leo to comply with Raph’s order, and had let Leo being insulted. All of this while he was trembling on the floor of his own, damn, fucking office!

“Leo,” he chocked out, squeezing in his hands Leo’s one. “I’m sorry. I was so afraid he hurt you.”

Angrily, Leo snapped his hand away, but seeing how hurt Don was, by the gesture, he composed himself again.

“When he spoke of your mother, it’s made me think of mine. I don’t care about Easter at all, but in three weeks, it would be Mother’s day.”

Don didn’t give a single fuck about either holiday, but if Leo was willing to act as nothing had happened, the director was willing to try to care about it as much as Leo.

“I got a letter from my mother, a few days ago. Her house needs a new roof. In fact, I think she needs a new house, period.”

Don felt a pit in his stomach, like a bad omen. He didn’t utter a word, quietly attentive, but his instinct knew what Leo was going to say.

“You know I’m saving money to support her, but I don’t think I have enough for a new house.”

“Well, wait to have then,” Don said hesitantly. “You have good wages for only a few months. Maybe two years from now…”

“Did you see how bad the situation is in Japan?” Leo asked. “I’m worried about her! If you loved your own mother, you would understand!”

“I don’t hate my mother,” Don replied. “She isn’t approving of my lifestyle, but it’s our only disagreement.” Don could reply that his relationship with her wouldn’t be that bad if it wasn’t for Leo, but he shut up. The young man had urged him a few times about being a respectful son, because it was his duty. But to be dutiful to his mother would mean kick Leo out and divorce his own identity. Don would rather die. “I think for now you could help her with this new roof. How much did you need?”

The playwright wasn’t an idiot. If Leo was there, it was because he needed something and, of course, it was money.

“The ideas I had for our play were good, are they not? The final, the genuine costumes, me showing off my leg…” Leo enumerated, counting on his fingers. Don didn’t even react to hear him calling the fruit of his labor and sleepless nights’ our play.’ But he knew where Leo was leading.

“I never denied the importance of your contribution.” Now, Don was in a hurry Leo leaves too. He was dirty, he wanted to wash, he wanted to change and if possible, cry or hurt himself. Now that the fear about the gun had faded away, Raph’s words were taking more sense. His cousin had felt Leo wasn’t gay, even if he played with his ass to keep Don’s eyes on him. Raph wasn’t gay either, but for Leo, he could have made an exception. But with the instinct of an experienced man, he had guessed in Leo too high maintenance for a bad lay. Maybe he would tell Donnie’s mother that she could be reassured. Don wasn’t sinning with the black-haired actor and so, Don would be left alone. But the idea his cousin thought of him as a fool, and with good reason made his chest ache. He was still too upset about what had just occurred with the revolver. “So, how much do you want? Stop dragging it on and spill how much cash I need to hand over for you to be satisfied!” he snapped. “You were about to ask a cut on the profit, right? How much do you want? 10%?”Because now that he had succeeded to climb on a stage, money was Leo's new concern. So far, Leo had never directly asked, but Don could be in love, he wasn't dumb. 

“Come into my dressing room. You could wash.” Leo turned to open a closet and pulled out a spare suit Don had the good idea to kept hanging there. “This isn’t a good day to talk about this. You are still shaking in fear,” he murmured comfortingly as he was Don’s mother. The director bit his lip, the humiliation stinging so sharply. Leo was smart; he always knew at which moment he had to cut Don some slack. But he just reminded him how much a sissy he had been, letting himself being bullied by Raph as he was a child. The actor, by acting benevolent, was making even more mandatory for Don to make up for this, but for that, he needed to soothe Don’s nerves first. He hated this part of his lover, this pragmatism never leaving him. Leo was surfing in their relationship like it was a battlefield or a business, his mind always calculating what he could get form his next move behind the black holes of his eyes. It was like he thought nature made him as beautiful because it could be convenient to pay his bills. But being handsome wasn't his only asset. Leo was a schemer, a very gorgeous one and Don had a reminiscence of a marvelous hotel in Paris than belonged to a famous Parisian courtesan from the last century that ruined a dozen men. The cliché of a golddigger was a blond and busty woman, not a young mixed-blood man and it was tenfold dangerous, Don thought, wiping the cold sweat from his forehead. He only wanted a peaceful relationship, on equal footing, with a passionate lover.

He could even tell what will happen. In the shower, Leo would press against him and entice him with his body. The actor could be a virgin about male love; he knew very well where to touch and let himself been touched to drive Don in such a lustful state; he turned brainless. But not today. With his long limbs, sharp cheekbones and almond-shaped eyes, Leo seemed like a praying mantis, using the momentum the male was in the daze of the mating to devour him. A chill ran through Don’s spine how much the image was vivid. He superimposed to this mental picture Raph’s eyes full of contemptuous pity. Now, Raph would look down forever to him. It wasn’t that he valued his cousin’s opinion so much. But Raph was someone he would have to face eventually, again and he knew that between the pathetic image of Donnie crawling on the floor would stay, more durable than a bloodstain. Meanwhile, the cause of it, Leo, would remain pure and cold as a marble statue in the middle of a Roman forum, unbothered by the mortals around. The playwright balled his fists, trembling in rage.

“I’m going home.” He pulled from his wallet $10 and threw it to Leo’s face. Anyway, now that he had success, was it what Leo wanted? “Have dinner at Sardi’s or where ever you want. Take a cab to come back home.” He could be mad, he was still jealous. “Be home before 1:am or I will find a whore cheaper than you,” he added with a snarl, before storming off from his office. He wasn't out of the theater yet, that he suddenly realized that the three months was about to end and Raph had wanted to collect the money he had lent to him. Don let out a broken laugh. He had no idea if he could pay Raph and Leo's mother's roof. How crazy it was to work only to owe even more? Don didn't even look before crossing the street. Death would be a welcoming change.


	16. Chapter 16

When he arrived at his home, alone, Don went straight to the closet and took out his bottle of bourbon. He poured himself a full glass and downed it. He didn’t even bother to get some ice cubes. He needed to dull his pain straight. He poured a second glass and drank all of it in one full, gulp, again. He grimaced at the familiar burn, but the pit in his stomach was worse.

Why, why was he drinking his sorrow for a guy who wasn’t even his true lover? Leo could be nice with him, kind and allowing Don some touching, it wasn’t a healthy relationship. Why was he so upset with it? He knew from the beginning, nothing good would come out from his unrequited love and himself wasn’t healthy. 

Leo was only nice to him because one shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds them.

He knew it and still, the realization stung him as the first time he made it long ago. Even if he had tried so long to hold back and try to convince himself Leo was giving him more than he deserved anyway, Don wasn’t happy. And now, after months of pretenses, he had blurted out what he truly thinks. 

Leo acted like a male whore, a male whore who didn’t even go all the way with his dumb customers. And now Leo knew Don was his fool less than what he thinks. 

He had called him a whore and it would payback badly. But suddenly, the playwright didn’t care. If they fight, it would be an excellent opportunity to let Leo go. He needed to move on because this relationship was going nowhere anyway.

He lite up a cigarette and took a long, furious drag like he wanted to inhale the smoke as a poison that would consume him from inside. There was no way Leo would forgive him for this insult. If he did, he would make Don pay for it and only forgive him at all because Don was his golden goose, his dairy cow, ready for a daily milking. He poured himself a third drink. At this price, did he wanted to be forgiven by the actor, he mused, after a sip. He caught a reflection of himself in the mirror over the couch. He was pale, disheveled with puffy, red-rimmed eyes, his features expressing a mixture of pain and anger. How ridiculous when you were a grown-up, 6’5 foot man? The glass in his hands crashed on the wall and he was satisfied to hear it shattering. He should not cry like that for a cock-tease, because it was what the actor was. Leo was alluring, that was true, but he wasn’t the only handsome man in New York. Don could easily find another talented actor to be, as cute as Leo and less troublesome.

A part in his chest was howling, screaming to him that even if he was trying to fool himself, Leo’s kind of beauty was unique. Don slid on the couch, defeated. It wasn’t only the exotism of a mixed-blood. Leo had delicate features, exquisite as a doll and a grace that only ballerinas have, but also a very male body, with a toned ass, long legs, and hips made to rock when riding a cock. Even his personality has this weird split. He could be quiet and kind, with this composed expression of his, but turn aggressive and even violent when Raph had crawled under his skin. Here he was again, mentally raving about Leo. The mix was intoxicating, but as it was for the pervitin, Don has to cut it out before it messes too much with his life.

Decided, the playwright took the broom to sweep the pieces of glass into a dustpan. It was like cleaning his life, he thought and he took the biggest glass shard in his palm. He balled his fist on it, tightly shutting his eyes, making the mental promise to never take Leo back in his life, as the glass cut the skin of his palm. He opened his eyes again. It would scar and remind him of his misery on this Saturday night, Don hoped as the blood ran down his hand.

After what could be called his Epiphany, Don finished cleaning up his mess, washed and disinfected his wound, and took a sleeping pill before going to bed. He could have tried to pick a sex partner and go to a hotel, but he was tired. The revolver scene had shortened his lifespan of ten years. He needed a few days to recover from the fright he had. He clenched his teeth, thinking of his cousin’s antics. Raph had done it on purpose, to humiliate Don in front of his lover. It was like for Raph it was a mating ritual; the need to show off how powerful he was by his bulk, his family, his money, his friends. It was his way to tell Leo he shouldn’t be Don’s bitch when the actor was much more manly than his current boyfriend. 

Indeed, Leo had looked at the death straight in the face and he had been beautiful, Donnie remembered. Even if the director was so scared at the moment, he had realized it and had thought irrelevantly that he could write a play about it. He would, maybe, but without Leo as lead actor. The young man could remain a muse without being a part of his life. Petrarch had minimal contact with Laura and he wrote about her wonderful poesy. Thinking back about it, he couldn’t stand to see Raph’s cocky smirk tomorrow. Don wouldn’t go and his mother would have to blame herself for it. She should have known better than send Raphael as her emissary. 

He was in his bed and the pill was about to kick in. Outside, it was raining and the sound had always appeased his nerves. He drowned away the thought about Leo having none umbrella. He gave him $10, did he? The prick could call a cab. Don just succeeds to empty his mind enough, refusing to think about Leo’s upcoming arrival, when the phone rang. Don glanced at the radium dial of his clock. 12:55. If it was this son of a bitch of Leo asking for a ride home, the actor could screw himself. Don wouldn’t fetch him. 

“Yes?” he greeted, his voice laced with anger and tiredness, his tongue thick by the sleeping pill.

“Am I speaking with Mr. Donald Perkins?” an unknown male voice asked in a very formal manner. 

“Yes,” Don repeated, slightly taken aback. What was that?

“I’m captain Williams, I’m calling you from the Midtown South precinct police station.” 

Now Don was fully awake, but it was like he was in a dream. He wanted to talk but was unable to do so.

“I’m sorry to call you at this hour, but we have your younger brother here.”

“Younger brother,” Don repeated, his head spinning. Of course, he knew who the captain was talking about, but he was too stunned to do something more than wait about what was going out with Leo. Who else would pretend to be his little brother? What this jerk did again, he wondered, remembering April O’Neil same question when he had come to her house. “What about my brother?” he wanted to know, feeling tense. What could he have done? Leo was too intelligent to get in trouble, was he?

“He is safe, don’t worry. We have given him some coffee,” the policeman said, but there was a hesitation in his voice. “But we need you to come to fetch him and maybe, convince him to tell us what had happened.”

“What had happened,” Don repeated, shocked, but it sounded like a question.  
Leo seemed to have done nothing wrong. It seemed to be the other way around and something bad had happened to him. The bitterness taste of the pill still lingering in his throat was now chocking him.   
  
“This is a too delicate matter to explain it over the phone, Mr. Perkins,” the man replied cautiously after a sigh. “He refused to go to the hospital and well...How long before you could be there? We are at the corner of the 9th and the 35th.”

It was a less than ten-minute ride, but to Don now, it seemed as far as Canada. 

“What had happened?” he urged. What could be a delicate matter for a fucking NYPD captain?

“Bring him a change of clothes and be quick,” the policeman said, uneasiness filling his voice, before hanging up. 

His heart pounding like crazy, Don get dressed. His anger about Leo was now on the back burner. Never he had wished something terrible happen to the young man. What had happened, he wondered again, snatching his keys and jacket before storming off the apartment. Was Leo had been attacked by some racist people? It could have been the reason. As Leo was able to be polite and a smooth talker in society, he never denied being a mixed-Japanese. Even, to Don’s embarrassment, Leo obviously preferred his Japanese roots. What if Leo mingled in a heated discussion about the current Japan situation? But when he sat in his car, Don thought it was impossible. Leo was too smart for that. From what he knew, it never happened to the young man to be attacked even after the Pearl Harbor bombing, five years ago. Why now that the war was over for eight months and people wanted to forget? 

Was it Raph’s doing, he wondered again while sitting in the driver seat and clenched on the steering wheel’s leather. It could be; his cousin was tired of Leo’s arrogant attitude with him and I gave him a beating as a lesson. Don cringed his teeth and ignited the car. If Raphael had dared to go that far, Don would make him pay tenfold. He had no idea how, but he would find a way.

The whole ride where he felt like dying, his mind kept repeating to him that it was his fault. He had left Leo alone. If something bad had happened to his actor, Don would take responsibility and drive his car down the bridge. 

He parked his car in front of the police station and rushed inside. 

“I’m Mr.Perkins,” he shouted, hitting the front desk with his fist. “Where is he? Where is Leo?” He tried to compose himself and failed, but remembred in time who Leo was supposed to be. “Where is my little brother,” he asked, his voice hoarse and cracking. He didn’t give a damn it was such a daring lie, hard to believe that they were related. They were nothing alike. 

It wasn’t long that an officer came, and by his face, Don knew it was bad. 

“He is in the interrogation room,” the man said. “But, of course, he doesn’t want to talk about what had happened…” Pity filled the voice of the man and also, disgust and Don stopped on his track.

“Tell me,” he choked out. “I need to know now!” he exclaimed, shaking the officer sleeve. 

“Some perverted men.” The policeman had whispered the answer at Don’s ear and the playwright widely opened his eyes. “Some sick people that love to bang man in the ass.” 

Don stared, refusing to do the maths. He wasn’t even troubled by the fact that he got rubbed in his face that male love was disgusting. He was used to such comment and reaction, but it wasn’t understanding what it had to do with Leo. The policeman has a nervous and desolate smile.   
“Your brother is kind of cute for a boy…” He seemed to decide to be more explicit. “He was leaving a restaurant when he got ambushed by three men. They...tried to rape him,” he finally spilled, obviously revolted by the situation much more than if it had been a girl. “But your brother fought them fiercely. They didn’t fully succeed, but his clothes had been torn off; hence we asked you for a change of clothes.” The man glanced down, seeing Don had no bag, in his long, slack hands.

“I forgot…” Don balled his fists, trembling. The blood was starting to ooze out from the bandage. “I didn’t know what had happened and just rushed in.”

“It’s okay.” The man had the same empathic smile again. “Anyway, at this time, no one would see him.”

Don nodded stiffly and he grabbed the officer’s arms.

“Lead me,” he murmured, so distraught, he wasn’t sure he could walk. He refused to think more about what the police officer said and only wanted to see his boyfriend. 

Before entering, the policeman told him to brace himself since it wasn't pretty, but the nerves taking the best of him, Don showed the officer aside and pushed the door open. 

He felt like his mind was blown at the pitiful display. 

Leo was sitting in a chair, hunched over a mug, glancing down. His disheveled wet black hair was hiding his eyes. An officer had put on his shoulder a police jacket, but Don spotted the reddish marks immediately under the skin that would turn into hickeys and the bitemarks. His blue shirt showed his chest because all the buttons had been unsnapped. 

“I’m sorry, Donnie.” Leo’s voice was dull and he didn’t even glance up or turn his head to look to him. He probably felt Don was the one having almost burst the door, or it was the director’s raging breathing that had given him away. “I didn’t know who else to call.”

It took a moment for Don to realize why Leo apologized to have asked them to call him. Leo was still thinking about their last argument. The actor knew Don was furious at him and probably done with him. Indeed, Don had a blurred memory of having been mad earlier. But it wasn’t mattering for the playwright, now. His whole life was on the back burner. Only this young man shaking from the cold rain mattered. He walked in two long strides the distance between them and Don dropped on his knees in front of the chair, putting his hands on the one holding the mug. 

Now that he was closer, he could see Leo’s whole chest covered with marks that would turn bruise or hickey and scratches. It was true, Don recognized, and at the same time, he understood that for a very short moment, he had thought Leo had staged this to crawl his way into Don’s forgiveness. But Leo as a great actor he was, couldn’t bite his own chest and collarbone. Neither he would have dared lie to police officers.

Don felt bad to have such thought toward the young man, even if those ones had lasted the time of a blink. His beloved had been assaulted and the realization turned whatever anger he could felt toward the aggressors and himself, who abandoned Leo alone.

“Leo.” His voice cracked when he met the black irises finally. “Who did this?” He scanned his lover lower half now. The actor had lost his belt, probably in the attempt to undress him. It was real, Don told himself again. The person he treasured the much had been violated. The thought it was his fault retook him, but a visceral furor and hatred overshadowed the guilt. “Who did this?” he asked again, shaking in rage. Whoever they were, Don would find them and find a way to make them regret the day they were born.

“I want to wash,” Leo replied, his voice unemotional. 

“He may be still in shock,” one of the policemen said. “Could you come with me, Mr. Perkins? There some papers to fill.”

“I’m going to come back, Leo.” Don leaned over the hand, swallowing the sobs about to choke him. “I just have to go with the captain a few minutes. Then, I come back to fetch you and I will drive us home. You could take a shower or a bath.”

Before he broke apart in front of the police officer who could think he had a brother’s complex, Don stoop up to leave.

“Want a smoke?” the captain offered just after shutting the door behind them and Don picked the cigarette handed to him with his long fingers. They smoked in silence, just next to the room where Leo was. Don understood there was no paper to fills and the policeman lied to get Don out of there to have a talk man to man.

“As I said, he could still be in shock. How old his your brother?”

It was odd speaking of Leo like he was his brother. But Don didn’t hesitate because it would be too much bothersome to said Leo had lied and what was precisely the nature of their relationship.

“He turned twenty-years-old in January,” he said, releasing a puff. But the playwright wasn’t in the mood for a chit chat. “What had happened?” he asked again, irate. “Where did you find him? In which state?” he demanded to know. “What did he tell you?”

“He got spotted coming from Bryant Park by one of our patrollers. He was struggling to walk and his torn off clothes arose the attention. We thought it was a robbery, but he had still his watch…one that looks expensive.”

Do nod seriously. Indeed, this watch had cost a lot, but he would have paid ten watches if it means he could go back in time and bring Leo home instead of getting mad at him and ditch him there. But what was he doing in Bryant Park? Maybe he got dragged in, while walking down the 6th avenue. Don’s building was between the 6 and the 7 th avenue and Sardi’s next to the 7th, and so, the shortest path would have been walking down the 7th for 35 minutes, but maybe Leo had grown sick of Sardi’s menu and I craved something from a place he knew on the 6th. Anyway, why was musing over that?

“He told us...they undressed him and pinned him on the ground,” the captain recalled. “We inspected him and his story seems true. He had grass and dirt stains on his beige pants.”

“Of course, it’s true,” Don snapped, forgetting himself thought Leo could have staged it. “Who could invent such a thing!”

“Indeed...One must have a twisted mind to ever think of a situation like that.” To be attracted to a man seemed to blow the mind of the NYPD captain. “Anyway, he managed to get free and one of them had seen our patrol car and they had fled. Your poor brother seemed to be about to throw up. Of course, he is, after having been caressed all over by those men.” The captain pulled out from his jacket a handkerchief to wipe his forehead. He seemed to be the one about to puke. “This is why we didn’t press the matter more than that when he refused to tell the names.” Don understood by that the policemen were the ones upset by this male rape. “He said he was an actor and didn’t want a scandal when his career is just launched. Was it true?”

Don mused over the reason given by Leo. Was it the reason Leo was so cold at the idea of a romantic and sexual relationship with him? Because it could ruin his career? It could be, but Don wasn't an idiot. He had a lifetime of experience hiding his nature. But anyway, it was useless to think about it, because if Leo just went through gang rape, he was less likely than ever to consider to be Don’s fully lover. 

“He is an actor, that’s correct,” Don agreed in a strangled voice. He ran his hand over his face, calling himself a selfish bastard to be worried about his own sexual life when Leo went through such an ordeal. “It doesn’t matter if you can’t get the name. I would draw them from him at home. Perhaps he couldn’t answer because they were stranger and it was a racial crime?”

“A racial crime?” the man repeated. “Oh, because he looks kind of Asian? No, I don’t think it the case here. And well, we suppose he knew his aggressors since he even refused to describe them. But I can understand him; to know such perversion exists.” The captain seemed more and more disturbed. “And when it’s someone you know and they touched you in such an unnatural way. The poor boy has all right to be troubled to have arisen such sinful desires into other men,” he concluded with a low voice and Don gave him a blank look. “Let say nothing happened tonight, he proposed, “if your brother refused to tell. But if he does and you want to fill an official accusation, we will step in. There more chance he talks about this traumatic event with his big brother than us strangers.”

“Alright.” Every single word had been like a heated pin into Don’s very soul. He didn’t dare to ask the question that was troubling him the most. He didn’t want to speak about such an intimate thing with strangers, indeed. But the question kept replaying in his mind, making him dizzy and crazy with anger. Did Leo get his virginity taken by some thugs? It wasn’t because he was jealous he wasn’t the first. Yes, Don knew by now he was possessive, but he told himself it wasn’t the point, now. Anyway, he did breached Leo first, but didn't manage to went very far, because of how stiff his partner had been. He cared so much for Leo and had tried to awake his sexuality slowly and with consideration since the young man was wary of male love, already. The idea this work of love and patience had been torn down was maddening.” I’m bringing my brother home. I’ll call you if I know something.”

Without waiting for a reply, Don returned into the room and with gentle gestures, he removed the police jacket from Leo’s shoulder to put his dark grey one and help him stand up. “Let’s go home, Leo,” he murmured softly, circling the smallest man’s body with his arms. He knew how proud the young man was and tried his best to cover Leo’s body with his own and the jacket. “I will run you a hot bath.” At this point, he didn’t care if, from the outside, his tenderness looked like a brotherly love or not. He only wanted to be alone with Leo and heal whatever he could in the actor’s soul.

Leo followed him outside the station. Don hadn’t ignited the car yet, that Leo turned toward him.

“I will tell you once and for all because I couldn’t stand to be questioned more about this. They were four and they are waiters at Sardi’s. They always hated me and now that I show off at the restaurant like a star, as they put it, they hate me even more. They called me a fag and a bitch because I had sex with you for advancing my career,” Leo spat and Don felt he was the one accused there. “They said they would tell bad things to you or to reporters if I didn’t give them money. To be honest...they are trying to blackmail me for a moment. These are all lies, but still…” Leo sighed. “When they realized I won’t give them money no more, they…” Leo gulped. “Please, I don’t want to talk about that.”

“How far they went?” Don asked darkly. So they were blackmailing Leo and maybe it was the reason Leo had been short on money and has asked his help for his mother’s roof. Indeed, Don’s blatant flirting must have tainted Leo’s reputation among his coworkers. He would take responsibility; if he had more control over himself, this wouldn’t have happened. “I need to know.” His question was more to know how far the damage in Leo’s mind, soul, and body were to help him better heal and recover, but the actor snarled at him, like a bristling cat.

“Why? Because if I had been used, you wouldn’t want me anymore? Because besides my ass, what is interesting for you in me? What do you not understand in I don’t want to talk about it? You know what? Forget it, I would find a place to sleep.” Telling that, Leo pulled on the door handle to open it, but Don jerked him inside.

“I get it, I won’t ask you a thing!” Don exclaimed in a blind panic as each time Leo pulled away. How could he have believed he would be able to let go of his man? He was too much bewitched by Leo for that. But he needed to unleash all these emotions now. Leo doesn't want Don to fret over him, he could accept that. But he needed to find an outlet. Leo would act toward him like a wounded animal for a while and someone had to pay for it. “But this couldn’t be left unpunished, Leo. You don’t want the cops to meddle in it to protect your actor’s image, I get that too. It’s all FINE!” Donnie shouted, his usually calm brown eyes blazing. Leo looked at him, startled and Don's flared up. He wanted Leo's impressed eyes on him. H was so thirsty to prove himself to make up for the misdeed of others. He wanted his lover to rely on him more, he wanted to show him he could support Leo in whatever could happen. He needed the young man to know that such a thing would never happen again, Don would make sure of it. Leo's focus on him drove in a daze looking like drunkness. It was fuel to his hunger for vengeance. “We need to do something for them to STOP!” He was so gone in his fury, he couldn’t drive in this state. All around him had taken a crimson color. “What about breaking or slicing each of their fingers? What do you think? They would think twice before landing their dirty labor hands on you! From the bottom of the river, they couldn’t do it anymore, right?” he asked with fire, like he never had before. These sons of a bitch bastard had brought Don back to square one. Scratch that, he had no games, anymore, admitting he ever had. It was evident if Leo refused to talk, it was because they have gone all the way, maybe the four of them.

The more he thought of it, the more Don felt like he was going absolutely mad and dug his fingers in the leather of the steering wheel. Those dickheads knew how much Leo had worked hard to be at this point and if they had eyes, they probably realized what Don felt was one-sided and blaming Leo for a perversion he didn’t have was a cheap shot. Irrelevantly, he thought of Leo’s tainted body as the magnificent Dresden’s Frauenkirche church who had been destroyed during a bombing. It was heresy to dirt such beauty and it was a terrible crime and mistake to dare violenting his lover. “Yeah,” he said for himself. “In a nice cement bag in the bottom of the Hudson River, they won’t bother you anymore!”

At this point, Don guessed he must have overdone it because Leo stared at him with wide eyes.

“Mr. Perkins, get a hold on yourself. We both know you aren’t this kind of man,” Leo stated. “If you can have a talk with them, it would be clear enough. You are tall, they don’t know you, so they can be impressed.” Don was ashamed to see Leo more composed than himself and doubting Don could avenge him. The ‘they don’t know you’ sounded to his ears as ‘they don’t know how much a sissy you are.' It stung. Don could be not an aggressive man; when his beloved was physically threatened, it was another story. The director could look like a push-over and yielding to Leo’s every whim, he wasn’t a man tolerating someone messed with what he treasured. He guessed the damn revolver scene was the cause of Leo’s wrong opinion of him. He needed to show Leo he was a man enough to protect him. He was half Sicilian and his blood ran as hot as Raph when the situation called it for.

The actor sighed, kicking Don out of his daydream of retaliation. “Don’t talk about it, drive me home and if you can warm me some soup, it would be nice. I didn’t eat, yet.”

Don ignited the engine and the ride to their way home was silent. It was only when they were home that Leo broke it.

"How did you get hurt," Leo asked softly like Don was the one needing comfort. It took a moment to the playwright to understand what Leo was talking about when he saw the bloodstain on his sleeve. He had clenched and balled his fist the whole way, so stiff and too devoured by a blind fury and a thirst for vengeance to notice.

"Nothing important. It was a stupid accident," Don mumbled. All his feelings before this exact instant were dimmed in his present mind. He was feeling so raw, so angry whatever he had against Leo before wasn't mattering anymore. "I'm going to prepare your bath. If you need anything else, please tell me," he said quietly, not wanting to scare Leo off by all the ugly things his mind pictured right now. "I will warm some vegetable soup. I will put it on a tray, you could eat it in your bath."

"I will take care of my bath," Leo said. "I'm not helpless," he tried to joke to light up the heavy atmosphere. "Don't bother for the tray. I will eat at the table. I will give a check at your hand, afterward." Don gave a kind, understanding smile and nodded his agreement, despite it was even more maddening Leo would look on his self-harming when Don could not do a damn thing about whatever wounds Leo has. He knew what Leo's refusal mean. Leo wouldn't ever expose his naked body anymore, too disturbed and hurt by what had occurred. Maybe Leo wouldn't stand Don closer than five feet from him. They wouldn't kiss, they wouldn't cuddle anymore and blow jobs were absolutely impossible. What Don thought wasn't enough before, he would have kept it gratefully. But now, even this pale imitation of a happy romantic relationship was refused to them. All of it because of a few jealous wannabes.

Maybe Leo was right and Don wasn’t this kind of man as he had said. But Don knew someone who was. After the fright he gave him and the fight he went through with Leo by his fault, Raph couldn’t refuse him another favor. Don would go to this Easter dinner. 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will did a playlist for this fic if you want to check it out: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4v9PdR4AvEyuv5BKOjtjOI?si=DlY8EFlFQOuN1H_lcONbAA  
The first song is indeed the one that inspired me the fic!

Leo had wanted to assist at the Easter Parade, arguing than Don was Catholic and should go there. Don could have retorted than since Leo wasn’t Catholic and, for himself, he wasn’t giving a damn by such a foolish thing as resurrection, they should not bother to mingle with a crowd of about a million people. But it wasn’t like Donne could tell Leo no, considering the circumstances. 

He would do whatever that could make the young actor feel better.

But the fact that while he was allowing Leo to drag his unwilling and exhausted body to the Parade, Donnie had only one thing on his mind: vengeance.

During his sleepless night on the couch, he had thought of it as well. Even if Leo hadn’t required he sleep on the sofa, Don did it from himself. It had been his punishment from having allowed Leo’s assault because of his temper. But in the middle of the short night, Leo had woke up. With tears in his voice, had demanded Don to sleep in the bed with him. They had ended by cuddling, but to see his beloved so scared and traumatized had greatly upset the playwright. They had done nothing out of what two friends and roommates would do and after having put their best clothes by Leo’s insistence, they had seen the Parade. But they were back now and Don was worried. He had agreed to have dinner at her mother’s, but he had to left Leo alone. Donnie knew that if he had insisted, his mother would have accepted Leo to come, but the fact with Raph there Don preferred rather not. Not only because the actor and his cousin were like cat and dog, but also because he needed to speak with Raphael alone.

“Are you sure you will be alright,” Don asked for the tenth time when they were back from the damn Parade.

“I will be fine,” Leo replied. “I will train at the Dojo.”

“Are you sure it’s alright?” Don asked again, frowning. He didn’t like a bit the idea of his beloved wandering in the streets.

“I need to vent,” Leo said and by the tone alone, Don knew there was nothing to do. When Leo had decided on something, he was very stubborn. Besides, he could understand the actor needed to let off some steam. “I will be back before it’s dark. We have some canned ham and green beans, right? I will be able to take care of myself.”

“I will leave early and bring you some leftover. My mother had ordered the food, she didn’t do it, so it will be good,” Don exclaimed. He couldn’t give a damn about Easter, to let Leo eat canned ham alone wasn’t right.

“Please, enjoy your evening without bothering about me.” Leo’s tone could be soft, there was a sharpness on the edge. Don knew what this means: Leo didn’t want him back too soon, but why? Maybe he had been too fussy over him? It could be, even Don admitted he was clingy even more than usual.

He simply nodded and his quiet obedience was rewarded because the actor walked toward him for a hug. 

“They…. didn’t go all the way,” he said in a whisper. “So please, don’t be so mournful.” the actor tip-toed to go for a kiss. It was more a peck than a steamy french-kiss, but Don leaned over it, indulging in it. Relief overwhelmed him to know Leo was perhaps less wounded that he had believed he was. When Leo broke the kiss, Don stroked his jaw with his thumbs with tenderness.

“Will you give me the names of these waiters or tell me what they look like,” he murmured lovingly despite the fury almost choking him. He was now a nearly as great actor as Leo when it was about pretending feelings. He had no choice, Leo had seemed disturbed by Don’s anger the night before, even if the playwright has all rights to be angry.

“The one with the eyeglasses. He is actually looking like you, but of course, shorter and without your aristocratic demeanor,” Leo replied quietly. For a moment, Don was dazed about the praise concerning his supposed good look. Usually, Leo talked more about how a hard-worker he was and a kind of genius, praise Don was very used to hear coming from everybody. But never Leo had spoken about his appearance. But he brushed it away. It could be lips service. The important thing was Leo’s denunciation. “He is their leader, he is the one...who bit me here.” Leo pointed a puncture mark that his collar didn’t hide completely. “I think that actually...he could have been jealous of you for a while. At first, he accused me of sleeping with the manager to get my job and the best shifts as he did about you, even before you confessed to me. Maybe all these accusations were hiding he was the one wanting me and he thought of nothing better than threatening and blackmailing me about telling you about me whoring myself out. What do you think?” he asked suddenly. “You’re eerie silent.”

The whole speech, Don struggled to no storm off, buy a gun, and shot the guy in the middle of the restaurant. But of course, he couldn’t do that. It was Easter and the restaurant was closed anyway and besides, Don wasn’t foolish enough to ruin both his life and Leo’s by an outburst. 

“I think you could be right, Ren and he wanted you from the start. No wonder, you are too beautiful.” Without thinking, he had called aloud Leo by the name he gave to the younger man in his fantasies. The actor didn’t protest, listening carefully. “Anyway, they knew me poorly. As I would believe their lies, over you.” He gave Leo a chaste kiss on the forehead. “Thank you for your thrust, my beloved. I will settle this matter by tomorrow. They won’t annoy you, anymore.”

A hint of worry gleamed into the dark irises. 

“You won’t be too harsh, right?” he asked with concern. “There no need for violence. Just step in the restaurant, order a lot, be a demanding customer, give him only a penny as tips, and before leaving told him as you told me: whatever they said, you won’t believe them,” Leo insisted. “Then, we could just never eat at Sardi’s again.”

No need for violence? When the guy had tried to rape Leo with his friends? The man didn’t deserve a penny, he deserved a good beating and got his knee cap busted. But Don nodded with a kind smile that he hoped didn’t look too tense.

“Of course.”

Leo leaned his head on the side, as he wanted to read something Don’s face and it made show the bite mark under his collar more apparent.

“Please, Leo, could you undress?” The words escaped the playwright before he couldn’t even think about them. “I want to be sure your wounds aren’t infected. I won’t sexually touch you.”

The actor tried to resist, but when he saw Don was only repeating the same demand, in a soft voice, but not dropping it, he complied. If more than three marks were still visible, Donnie would make sure the guys got so messed up that they won’t be able to show their face at work for a full month. 

Leo removed his shirt slowly and the director couldn’t keep his composure. It was much more than three marks. His beloved seemed to have been attacked by leeches or vampires as much he had been kissed, sucked on, and bitten. His nipples were still swollen from the abuse and the fury blinds Donnie so much, he ran his hand very slowly in his face to hide how angry he was. He still remembered how Leo was sensitive there, his back arching at the slightest touch. When Leo would lower his guards enough for him to do it again? 

Those guys wouldn’t have enough finger left to hold a plate anymore, Don vowed, still trying to keep a neutral face. He didn’t want to scare off Leo or upset him. It was a blessing already that the young man allowed kisses.

“It is painful?” Before he realized what he was doing, Don was brushing the swollen nipple with a finger. The actor winced slightly. “Can I do something to make you feel better?” Don asked gloomily. “I want to put you at ease, but I never know how to act around you even before that. I’m even more confused now than ever,” he whispered, taking Leo’s head in his hand, for Leo to glance up and they could lock eyes. “I love you, you know that. I won’t rush you anymore, but please, don’t be afraid of me. I’m nothing like these guys, I’m nothing like your father or your mother customers.” Never Don had explained something with such sincerity and for once, he felt he had been clear, not even trying to get lyrical.

The actor has what looked like a stirred smile.

“I know.” Leo kissed Don’s palm. “Don’t be so sad. When you would tell these guys to stop bothering me, I would put this behind me and be so grateful to you.” He lowered his eyes, and Don couldn’t see the irises anymore, hidden by the black eyelashes. “You don’t have to feel so over conscious of me, be only the sweet Donnie you were before and everything would be alright. Now you must go because you will be late to have dinner with your mother.” 

“Indeed.” Don leaned to kiss him again before taking a step back. “Sorry to have asked you this. Have a nice evening.”

xxxxx

When she opened the door, his mother threw a glance behind Donnie. Her face showed relief when she realized he was alone. This sight was so sickening, if it wasn’t for the favor he has to ask Raph, Don would have turned his back. 

“He isn’t there. He is alone, by himself on Easter,” he barked aggressively, without even a greeting. By his mother’s shocked look, Don understood he needed to tone it down a bit. 

“It had been a tiresome weekend,” he explained with a long sigh. “I wasn’t quite sure about surviving it.”

He could see the tears filling his mother’s eyes. He had almost forgotten about how seriously she took death allusion.

“I’m fine,” he replied, trying to sound honest, but only looking robotic. He gave a quick peck on her cheek or rather, just did the gesture. His lips barely grazed his mother’s cheek. He wouldn’t kiss her with the lips that kissed Leo goodbye five minutes ago. She wouldn’t have appreciated it, if she knew and even if she ignored it, Don wanted to avoid her the undesired contact. “I’m hungry,” he lied. He had vomited his lunch earlier, too upset and stressed out by what had happened to Leo. He had wanted to take a Pervitin, to pretend even better he was alright, but he had no more of them. He needed to get the doctor to give him a new prescription. 

“Of course,” she said tensely and she turned away, walking with great strides to her dining room. “Your cousin had arrived thirty minutes ago. We were waiting for you.”

“Finalmente!” Raph exclaimed. He was smoking at the table, a smirk on his lips. “Where is Princess Aisu?”

A mix of different emotions overwhelmed Donnie hearing the nickname and to not snap at his cousin, he looked at the table, instead. This is the moment he noticed the table had been prepared for four and he glanced up at his mother. She had been that far than making a place to her table for Leo and to see his mother trying to get accepting stirred Don to the point he felt the need to hug her.

Being affectionate wasn’t him, but he did, rather clumsily and she sobbed quietly into his arms. Raph watched them from their place, still smirking cheekily. Don guessed that perhaps Raphael was the one responsible for Leo's plate. He must have told his mother that Donnie was crazy in love with the actor and that to ask Don to stop loving him was pointless. He had probably added that it wasn’t sinful since Leo was as cold as an iceberg. Don’s mother loved him enough to allow his son a hopeless, platonic love if they weren’t doing something prohibited by religion. She was probably giving him the excuse that genius were all eccentrics. To think about it put him back as his usual cold self.

“Leo has his own Easter dinner to intend. Since we are only friends, we didn’t see the need to come together,” he said, cringing but accepting the wine glass his mother handed him. “Too bad, he didn’t know he was invited.”

His mother nodded stiffly when Raph continue to stare at him, looking slightly disappointed. Neither of them was fooled, even less his cousin. Raphael was probably telling himself that if Leo had wanted to eat Don’s liver as Easter lunch, the playwright would have given him on a silver plate. 

“So this Leonard, is he Catholic?” she asked, her voice strained while putting down on the table a plate of appetizers. She was trying to care and Don forced himself to answer because it was kind of cute. But then, he realized he didn’t even know. He had a snicker, he had assumed Leo wasn’t, but didn’t know for sure and so, maybe the actor was right to protest they didn’t know each other well enough to move to the next stage. Anyway, every religion would condemn their love. He sat at the table, trying to not look too mournfully at the empty place next to him. Leo could have been there, and he couldn't help but miss him, already, even if he knew Leo’s absence was for the best.

“We saw the Easter Parade together,” Don said, with a dismissive gesture of the hand when he saw his mother’s face. His mother knew he hated to be in the middle of a crowd. It wasn’t the same in a theater, people were sit into neat rows. Don took a large gulp on his wine. The bitter taste felt right, according to his mood. “It was Leo’s idea and I admit it was kind of interesting after such grim years. I don’t remember having seen such a crowd. The women’s suits are lighter in color this year with more rounded shoulders and fuller sleeves. I saw a delightful hat with flowers and green ribbons that you would have liked, Mother. It was exquisite.” He gave her a smile, hoping she had forgotten to pretend to care. “What about you, Raph?” He took a slice of ham, some asparagus, green peas, and mashed potatoes. He had no time-and no appetite-to eat appetizers.

He locked eyes with his cousin, finally. He needed to be polite: Raph had lent him money, Raph had told his mother to prepare herself to greet Leo and also, he has a huge favor to ask him. Raph too was eccentric, he decided, but not a bad guy, well not for his family, anyway. He was very polite and eager to please to Don’s mother, the only female member remaining in their family he was blood-related with.

“Nothing much,” Raph said, swirling his wine. “I was busy dining and wining a charming lady. I went to bed late and so couldn’t make it for the church this morning. I told aunt Maria that this lady could have been her niece, so she forgave me to have missed it.”

His mother has a nervous chuckle and Don knew why. Raph was still apologizing to skip church, because he had to busy having sex, when Don didn’t even bother. 

The whole dinner went not too bad, Don was doing his best to chew the longest he could manage. With his mouth full, no one would ask him to speak. His mother was ranting nervously about how Don’s play was a success and that she was proud. The playwright just nodded while pouring himself some wine. His mother wasn’t that proud and he knew it. 

“His musical is a success because of his muse.” Raph winked to Don and he got a bad feeling. “I told Aunt Maria about how an interesting person your lead actor was.” Although his lust for Leo seemed to have dimmed, something was still lingering in his cousin enough to speak of him. It wasn’t Raph at all to care about Don’s acquaintance. “She had a wrong impression of him. I explained to her that if the guy was inspiring you so much, there was no harm at you sticking around him, you know?”

Don wondered how he should feel. Raph had told his mother he kind of approved of his relationship, even if he knew Don’s feelings weren’t exactly ones of a writer for his muse. And Raph’s approval had weighted more for his mother that whatever his son could have told her. But today, he couldn’t tell Raph to mind his own business.

His mother’s had a coughing fit and it was the opportunity Don was looking for since he had set up a foot in. Even if Leo did tell him to take his time, Don wanted to be back home early. He couldn’t shake off his uneasiness about it. It wasn’t only about leaving Leo on his own, even if he was quite concerned about the young man's safety, so shortly after the rape attempt. Who he was kidding? Even in three years from now, he would remember this night he got a call from the police station. But all of this was crushed by a feeling Don could never get rid off, since Aunt April’s incident, no matter how hard he tried.

Suspicion.

It was a feeling he wasn’t allowed to have, or rather, to show. Sexual Frustration and doubt were devouring him every time Leo went at this Dojo where he wasn’t allowed. But what could he do? The actor hated being questioned. So, Donnie was in a hurry to return to his own apartment. He glanced at his watch: he was there for about an hour. When Leo left for the Dojo, he was gone for 3 hours and a half. He still has two hours in front of him and he wondered how long it would take to convince Raph to help him. That he tried to make his mother accepting Leo didn’t mean his cousin was ready to avenge the actor, even less when Donnie owes him money already. 

“I think the smoke is bothering my mother. Let’s go on the balcony,” Don proposed, his tone far too clipped for it to be taken as a random suggestion. “I remember you said something about having great cigars?”

Raphael didn’t reply as he followed Don onto the balcony. It was a little too chilly for smoking without a coat, about 46 F, and the sun was already down, obscured by the building across the street. 

Don drew his cigarette case and, after having plucked one out, handed it to Raph for his cousin to serve himself. Don cracked at his lighter a few times to no avail. He then used his palm to shield the light from the gusts of wind, before managing to light the cig. With a satisfied huff, he handed the lighter to Raph, but he refused, instead opting to use his own. He took a very long drag on and released the puff with ease. And for a moment, Don envied Raph. It must be an exhilarating feeling to have nothing to ask, neither to desire something that you couldn’t have. Raphael was hot-tempered but had very few opportunities to show it. He usually got what he wanted before having the chance to be angry. It was also the reason he never got infatuated with anything or anyone; if Don were to give it a name, he’d say Raph copying his interests to piss him off was the hothead’s unique passion. 

“So what’s this all about? If it’s about more money, the answer is no,” Raph mumbled casually while keeping his eyes averted.” If you want an extension, I can give you one month, but no more.”

Don wasn’t there about the money, but this postponed refund was still suitable to take. Embarrassed, he muttered a thanks. It wasn’t making his actual question any easier to ask. 

Don nervously took a quick drag while adjusting his eyeglasses, trying to regain his composure.

“This isn’t...this is not what I wanted to ask you…” He puffed on his cigarette furiously again, hoping it wouldn’t show his long fingers tremble. “This is about Leo,” he finally blurted. 

Raph snickered.

“Of course this about The Princess. He’s really got you wrapped around his little finger, doesn’t he?”

Don’s face twisted into a painful grimace. Oh yes, Leo got to him. Was he turning into a criminal just to avenge him? Leo didn’t even ask him to do that, so maybe he shouldn’t? Leo had told him he could only talk to them to make them stop their blackmail. The hesitation caught him; Leo was right, he just wasn’t the kind of guy. He wasn’t Fearless like Leo himself or hard-as-nails like Raph. But this is maybe why Leo couldn’t love him, Don thought, his mind recalling the hellish scene of the fake revolver. Then, he thought of Leo’s bruised body, covered in bite marks. His Leo had been tainted, caressed by dirty hands and now because of those bastards, Leo, already so wary of men, wouldn’t let Don touch him with a barge pole. Yes, they’d kissed this morning but those kisses were like tissue paper in contrast to his hunger for the young man. He wanted Leo to look at him with love and trust. Maybe it was a good means to finally reach this goal.

“Spill the beans already.” Raph’s voice was laced with annoyance. “Aunt Maria would be worried if we take too long. What happened with him? You’re unbelievable, Donnie.”

In an attempt to galvanize himself, Don pictured the puncture mark on the skin of Leo’s neck. He shook with rage as he crushed his cigarette.

“Last night, Leo got attacked by his former coworkers from Sardi’s,” He said through clenched teeth. His knuckles turned white as he squeezed the balcony rails. “I want those fuckers to pay.”

Raph puffed a small circle of smoke as an agonizing twenty-second silence took place.

“Tell me what had happened.”

Don started recalling the facts starting from the argument he got with Leo-without explaining this part in detail-to when Leo told him who had assaulted him when they left the Police station.

“How much they must pay,” Raphael asked slowly, still not looking at Don.

Don pondered the question. Earlier, he had spoken of them in a cement bag, but he didn’t mean the things to go that far, but Raph’s heavy gaze on him kicked him out of his thoughts. 

“Are you sure it has happened like that?” Raph asked. “I don’t picture Princess Aisu at the receiving end of an attack by some waiters.”

“Stop calling him like that,” Don snapped, despite knowing he couldn’t afford to get cranky. “He isn’t yours to call him as you please. His name is Leo, but I will appreciate it if you call him Leonard or even, Mr.Hunter.”

“Whatever,” Raph huffed. “But my point is still there. Mr.Hunter,” he said with a mocking emphasis, “is a too fierce bitch to get picked on by some coworkers.”

Don opened his mouth to protest, but Raph shushed him by pulling hard on his sleeve jacket.

“Shut the fuck up,” he hissed. “This is a very serious business we are talking about, right now. I can do that for you, but I know you.” Raph raised his finger in warning. “You’re not very emotional when it isn’t about your beloved, but will you be at ease, knowing what you have requested? And I will ask you again, are you sure your Leo told you the truth?”

“He got dragged at the station by the cops!” Don exclaimed. “Of course, it’s true! And you didn’t see his body! He is..he got scratches, and bruises, and bites, and hickeys. He couldn’t have done them to himself!” Don snapped his head to Raph, locking eyes with him, blazing walnut irises meeting cold green ones. “You know it already, don’t you?” Don murmured angrily. “Leo isn’t gay, to begin with. I’ve been trying to bring him there for months, but those sons of a bitch brought me back to square one. But it’s not even about me.” Don clenched Raph’s bicep, digging his nail through the Raph’s jacket fabric. “They hurt him.” Don took a pause, so overwhelmed by the bad feelings, he needed to take a hold on himself to not appear like a total lunatic. “I love him, I can’t allow that,” he said more calmly.

“Let me check something with you again. I know he couldn’t have made those marks to himself, but he could have asked for those to someone, like a friend.” 

Don stared, a weird feeling creeping into him.

“Let me be frank there, Donnie.” Raph crushed his cigarette. “Your Leo seems not only a great actor, but also a pretty good con-artist. Add that he has a nice body in the mix and you got the perfect dumbass trap. I didn’t know you didn’t fuck him yet.” Raph cast on him a look of cold pity. “But it validates my point. There is nothing for you in this guy apart from inspiration. Use him as a jerk off material if you want, but don’t get yourself too involved with him. I told Aunt Maria he wasn’t “like that” with you and that it wasn’t that bad. In a way, he seems to care for you, but if he asks you to get some guys beaten up…”

“He didn’t!” Don tried to no show how thrilled he was that Raph admitted Leo cared for him. His cousin found him pathetic enough, already. “He said I just have to tell them that it was useless to blackmail Leo because I won’t believe any lie they told me.”

Raph gazed at him earnestly.

“But what about if they aren’t lying? What about if your Snow White isn’t as pure as you believe? What if he had a male lover already? You said he isn’t gay, but I’m sure this guy plays for any winning team. He knows too much how to mess a man’s mind up to being inexperienced. What if this friend did bite him for your Leo to stage a fake rape attempt and get a better hold on you?Because, as I said, I doubt your honeybun is the kind of guy to let himself be pinned down even if they were four. He is quite something.”

Raph seemed to have a kind of new respect for Leo since the revolver scene, like the lust had turned in some weird admiration. But what mattered was what Raph tried to tell him. It was hitting too close to home. Don’s heart pounded in his chest, and a hissing voice was whispering at his ear that of course, this Dojo story had been fishy for day one. Indeed, Leo knew exactly which buttons mashing to turn Don into a lustful, mindless beast. 

“I know things about him, but you refused to hear me out. Are you ready for it, now?” Raph asked again. 

“You know the name of his male lover?” Don asked sharply. It couldn’t be, but if Leo had lied at this point, they were definitely over.

“No. But what I know for sure is that he is into some widows.”

Donnie uttered a sigh of relief. It was only this old story. He was so beyond that, now.

“Yeah, he is a lady killer.” Don has a nervous chuckle. “But he isn’t doing that, anymore.”

Disbelief showed on Raph’s face.

“I just told you that your sweetheart is a fucking gigolo and you are actually...unbothered?”

Don shrugged. The past was the past and it was either accepting Leo’s or not having the raven-haired actor in his life. 

“Was,” Don said. “So if it was all that you wanted to tell me, I knew about it already. You don’t know Leo as I do, of course, and don’t know about his reasons. 

Raphael frowned.

“You really love him.”

“I do.”

The gusts of wind were chiller and it was starting to get dark. Don has a shiver in his beige jacket. They needed to get inside, but the matter wasn’t settled yet. 

“So, you’re sure the scene wasn’t staged? And he told you about those older women and never requested you beat these guys?”

“He even told me not to use violence.” Don repeated the words used by Leo to Raph. He didn’t dare to tell that Leo had insisted about it, because he had been badly impressed by Don’s outburst in the car. 

“So, why do you want to use violence?” Raph countered. Don couldn’t deny it was a legitimate question. “You are a proud guy, Don. I bet you didn’t lower yourself to ask me a favor _again._” He put some intent on again. “For me to give those folks a mere warning about not messing with your Princess. Why not doing as he asked? You go there, sit, be demanding and unpleasant, give a penny tip and just threaten them or even report them to the manager or the cops? You will have done the job, and your hands will stay clean.”

Don was smart enough to know he was getting irrational. 

“You didn't seem him asking me to share his bed. He was trembling and I was feeling at lost. I want Leo to know how much I cherish him and how far I will go to protect him.” Before Raph spoke, the playwright continued. “My words don’t reach him, no like I want.” Donnie ran a hand on his face. He was sweating despite the cold temperature. “I want him to look at me.” He snickered. “I don’t make any sense, right? I’m in front of him almost every minute of his day and I’m asking more…” He needed a second cigarette and he pulled his cigarette case out again. “You wouldn’t understand.” He uttered a long, quivering sigh. “I love him and they hurt him,” he repeated again. “If I can't even avenge my lover, I would feel even more I don’t worth him and end jumping from this balcony. Because I...I have no more dreams, Raph. This is like I’m in the first row in a movie theater. The screen is too wide and is taking the whole view. There’s nothing I want from life except him. If I can’t have him, I don’t see any other reason to exist. You know me, I’m not an emotional man. I have never been in love before, so don’t think it will turn into a short-lived fancy and that in two weeks, I will regret I asked you this favor.”

His whole speech, Raph had stayed stiff next to him and shaking with nerve, Don struggled to lit up his cigarette.

“So.. what do you want it to be? Bruise? Broken Bones?” Raph asked in a dull voice.

Don took a quick drag. He couldn’t back down, not now when he went that far. He had no idea if Leo would even know and if he did, how he would react, but Leo would perhaps stop thinking Don only wanted his ass and would drop him in the dust right after. They couldn’t have an engagement party, they couldn’t marry, they couldn’t have kids. Don had no idea how to prove his commitment, except by writing plays and paying bills. Leo was taking it for granted since it was easy for him. Don needed to do something more...drastic and Leo would know that he could rely on him. The fake revolver incident would be forgotten and finally, Leo would see him as a man he could love.

“Broken bones, definitely.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, it's sloooooow but they will go to Hollywood in two or three chapters from now.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no beta, still not speaking English

Now that he had asked that favor to Raph, Don was in a hurry to leave. But his mother pleaded for Don to stay and have a piece of Bavarian and a coffee. Raph’s serious gaze on him kept Don nailed to his chair. It wasn’t the time to piss off Raph by a lack of respect for his mother, so Don did his best to swallow the dessert, despite the anxiety knotting his stomach.

The playwright pretexted to have sleeping problems, for not being forced to drink more than a few coffee’s sips. It was now almost three hours since Leo left and Don decided he had acted like a good son long enough and it was time to return to his twisted, pathetic pervert self. Now that he had done what he has to do to avenge his beloved, he felt a burning need to go home and cuddle Leo. Being violent and resentful wasn’t him and the stress was still eating him up. The favor he had waited to ask to Raphael had burnt him out. He needed the actor’s presence to be reassured what he did was for the best.

He could felt Raph’s stare on him while he was leaving. His cousin didn’t seem in the same hurry as Don to leave and he could guess why. At the minute he would pass the door, his mother would have a breakdown and ask Raphael what she did wrong to get such a son. Raphael stayed there to comfort her. Don balled his fists. He had no idea what Raphael would reply; even if his cousin had complied with what he had asked him, it was evident he thought Don was crazy.

Before he left his mother gave him a Benzedrine inhaler she took for him yesterday at the drugstore for his “Spring breathing problem.” Don knew very well it had nothing to do with asthma that he didn’t have in the first place. Benzedrine was also recommended for depression and since his gayness was the result of depression, according to his mother, it would help him to turn “normal.” He still took the inhaler and put it in the inside pocket of his jacket with a thanks and a forced smile. It would be a good enough substitute for Pervitin and inhaler was sold without prescription. 

As he thought, the door behind him just shut down that he heard his mother’s sobs. Guiltiness strung him as every time. It wasn’t right he didn’t love his mother. If he avoided her it was because the weight of the guilt to be such a shame and a disappointment for her was too heavy and overwhelming most of the time. Don felt this way just now. He ran down the staircase instead of taking the elevator to go away faster from his failure as a son.

It was with great relief that he entered his apartment. It was dark, meaning Leo wasn’t back yet but the familiar scent of his roommate was still floating in the air. He turned on the light switch and walked through the dining room. To call it a dining room was more than it worth. It was more a small eat-in area with two chairs and a small table. They used it more to play cards than really eat, preferring the stools of the kitchen counters for that. He looked around to be sure his lover wasn’t home and sleeping on one of the couches, waiting for him. 

The living room consisted of tan and neutral colors. Don wasn’t a fan of the vivid colors that were trendy, neither of patterns. Here and there, Leo had left his mark by adding some colored cushions on both couches and framed paintings. He had let him be. He wanted Leo to feel welcomed and at home, so the actor was allowed to have a say on the decoration. Don’s eyes landed on the crystal and gold plated silver ashtray on the coffee table and a rare genuine smile graced his features. It was the gift Leo gave him for his birthday three weeks ago and even if Don would have preferred Leo’s heart and body, he couldn’t help but feeling fondness by looking at it. Leo had used his savings for that. It had made Don enter in a frenzy to please and spoil his boyfriend, hence the television. But Leo wasn’t there and he returned to the entrance to remove and hang his jacket.

Suddenly, a weird impulsion made him change his mind and the feeling of well-being he felt three minutes ago, staring at the astray, faded away. 

He turned off the switch and, his jacket and shoes still on, he walked toward the living room window. He barely pulled on the thick beige curtain to get a glimpse of what was happening down the street. At any moment now, Leo would appear and he wanted to watch the actor on his way back home. He had no specific reason for that, neither to feel nervous, but he clenched the curtain’s fabric, struggling to not smoke and give away his presence too soon.

Deep down inside of him, he knew he was spying on Leo’s return out of jealousy. He already had doubts; Leo’s insistence for Don to stay late and Raph’s words were burning like a fire inside of him.

Awful images flooded his mind: Leo kissing a man, showing his erotic face, underneath an unknown man’s body plowing into him. It wasn’t possible; if Leo was as gay as Raph believed he was, the actor would be less shy and definitively less hard to get. Don couldn’t be as stunning as Leo or handsome like Raph, he was okay good-looking, right?

He recalled having thought after getting his first blow-job from Leo, that the actor was skilled with his hand and mouth. Don had thought Leo was a natural at it, but what if he was used to performing them?

Did Leo had a lover? If so, who?

Leo’s relationship with his former manager at Sardi’s had bothered Don from the moment he had managed to get closer to the young man. Leo had said his the other waiters accused to have get his job by sleeping with him. Don knew it couldn’t be true. The manager was around 50 and bald. If Leo refused Don, a bigger shot and much more attractive than the manager, he wouldn’t have slept with this man. But what about sucking him off twice a week in the office? It was true Leo got good shifts and what about the free meals for lunch? Also, when Leo had said he would only work the weekend during the rehearsal, the man had complied and kept him, just kicking out with fury Don as a customer. What if it was because Leo gave him sexual favors, like a handjob and blow-job?

Don bit his nail nervously, fighting the smoking craving. He was getting crazy, suspecting everyone to have the same homo perversion than him. But Sardi’s manager had seen Don for the gay he was, so maybe it was because he wasn’t stranger to male love.

The director released a shaky sigh. He was losing it. He reached for his inside pocket, grabbing the inhaler. Instead of inhaling it, he cracked open and swallowed the Benzedrine-covered paper strip inside, eager to feel better much more quickly. It was bitter and disgusting, but Don welcomed the bad taste for a different ache than the one his heart felt. 

While waiting for the drug to make this effect, he tried to fill his mind with white noise, when he saw Leo’s familiar figure down the street, under the light poles. But something was off about his way of walking and Don squirted his eyes. He had stalked the young man enough to know Leo’s way of walking. The actor walked with a strained step and Don could see only one explanation for this kind of walking; sore hips. Suspicion and jealousy overwhelmed him. Don himself was so afraid by the wave of dark feelings that he clung at the curtain to not make something foolish like opening the window, yelling his head off or jump to his death.

He waited with bated breath that Leo entered their building and his heart raced like crazy when he heard the door being unlocked. He stayed in the shadows, studying Leo’s every move as the actor removed his light-weight tan jacket and his brown hat, before turning the switch on. Leo wore the same white button-up with a knitted mustard vest and tie and a pair of navy slacks. It was the same outfit he wore at the parade. Don thought Leo was looking far too elegant for where he was supposed to come from. His stingy side thought that Leo was grooming himself with Don’s own money. The idea made him furious. 

“Where were you?” Don’s voice sounded like a whip slash and Leo snapped his head in his direction. To the actor’s credit, he showed no fear or worries regardless of how harsh Don had sounded.

“You know where I was.” Leo was polite and calm, but Don didn’t let himself be fooled. He watched the actor with inquisitive eyes, taking detail of everything, as his stiff stance. “I was at the Dojo.”

“Liar.” Don took a step closer. How voice was a deep, low rumble. “You are meeting with a lover. Is he Japanese? This is why you let him make love to you and not me? Because I’m one of those Americans you despite so much?” the playwright shouted, upset. Leo never said such, but suddenly, this accusation was making sense. Leo cherished his memories of Japan and it was like if he could, he would go straight back to Japan, despite the chaotic situation. “I’m half Italian!” Don exclaimed, even if his mother was born in America, four years after her family passed Ellis Island. “We sided with you during the war!” he choked out. 

Never in his life, he had thought of himself as a pure Italian, even less prayed for the Axis army to win, but he was at that point desperate, any argument was good. 

“My Sensei is Japanese, indeed, but what we call a Nisei, a second-generation immigrant. His mother left Japan pregnant with him around 1876.” Leo coldly locked eyes with him. If the actor was telling the truth, it means the man was about seventy-years old. “Before you go all rampage, let me tell you Sensei means teacher.”

But Don didn’t let himself been deterred from his jealousy by the fact the man was elderly. 

“So what if he is old? You were ready to bed a woman that could have been your granny!” he spat.

That the actor was displeased with his comment was evident, but Don decided to press the matter. He wanted Leo to be faithful, but he needed the young man to prove it. 

“On the register, he is also my grandfather. I know you think of me like a slut, sleeping with everyone, but I can assure than having sex with my grandfather isn’t leisure of mine.”

“Your grandfather?” Don gasped in surprise. He realized again about how little he knew about Leo. It wasn’t his fault. The actor was utterly-and unnecessary-discreet with his past. But all these secrets were a hindrance. The playwright was thirsty to know everything about his lover, to have him daily wasn’t enough. “From your mother’s side?”

“Have you ever wonder why I managed to get in the USA despite me being a half-Japs nine years after the National Origins Act?” Leo asked, with almost a snarl. “My mother refused to let me go, but my father was very determined to get me. Anyway, I don’t want to talk about this,” he already decided, when he only said two sentences.” But when he found me this Sensei, it was less to honor his word to continue my martial art training than get the false paper to make me more American. They did a fake marriage act with my father and his daughter and a false birth record. I’m the legitimate son of an American officer and a third-generation Japanese and I was born here. They get me baptized too and my father paid a great deal of money to change 1933 into 1926 in the church register. He then authorized me to follow the martial arts classes because the man was my supposed grandfather at the condition I learned to play baseball and went on a team. I was already speaking English went I came here, so it went smoothly. But the fact is that my Sensei really act like a doting grandfather and her daughter is very kind to me. Their whole family is. So, my training is also an opportunity to return to my roots.”

Alarms bell rang into Donnie’s ears about a woman being very kind to Leo, but he tried to shush them down. If what Leo said was the truth, it was making sense he went so often to this Dojo. After Pearl-Harbor, the overall New York State Japanese population wasn’t mass-interned. They were very few, anyway. But Don could understand their need to keep bonded. He could also understand Leo’s father. He had acted this way to be sure his son got “Americanness.” The old man could be hated by Leo, Don couldn’t deny he had well-foreseen the future. From the outside, Leo looked well-adapted. But the playwright knew better than commenting.

Leo seemed to have decided the conversation was over, but when the young man took a step forward, he winced slightly and Don remembered why he was angry. 

“What is it, then? I saw you limping in the street!” Don grabbed the smaller man by the shoulder, shaking him. “You walk like a guy that get pounded into the mattress” he yelled. When the words left his mouth and he saw Leo’s onyx eyes turning icily, he understood his mistake. Indeed, Leo was doing martial art, he could have been hurt. But Don decided he had tried to guess enough. He wanted once and for all get rid of his suspicion and forgot about Raph’s words. Being in love with Leo was exhausting, already. Don wanted the strain of doubt to disappear from their relationship. “Undress,” he blurted. “Even your underwear. I want to check on you.”

Leo’s face twisted with disapproval.

“I won’t,” he uttered firmly. 

Don balled his fists and count until five to remain calm and polite. The refusal could hide something. Maybe Raph was right, and Leo has a lover. The younger man refused to undress for Don to not smell or see evidence of sexual activities on his body. Don tried to brace his heart for this betrayal, but he had no strength for that. Just thinking of it was too terrible. Before getting nut with pain, he needed to know the truth. 

“Undress,” he asked with a hint of a commanding tone, despite his effort to sound more casual. It was the Benzedrine, he supposed. It was making him more reactive and edgy.

“No.”

Don yanked the young man toward him, using Leo’s arm. Being told no by Leo, a man he did so much for, made his chest throbbing as he had been stabbed. Did Leo not understand how much he was in pain? Damn, Don almost gave up his soul to Raph out of love for Leo!

“Undress or I cancel the play and the next one,” the director growled. “You are not enough of a big star to succeed without me!”

Leo’s eyes flashed with anger and Don deeply regretted using so cheap blackmail to get his point across. But he didn’t how to explain how it’s hurt him to be devoured by mistrust and anguish. He loved Leo with every fiber of his being and wanted to believe his beloved more than anything. But the anxiety he felt concerning Leo’s fidelity was too overwhelming. Don made the mental promise that if he was wrong and Leo didn’t nothing, he would never ask such a thing to the actor again. 

“At this point, I don’t care.” Leo broke the hold with an easiness that took Don aback, but less than the tone and the words spoken. If even the play wasn’t enough of a level to manipulate Leo, it was over. Don had nothing more to keep the young man with him. Panic made him react fast when he saw the actor turning his back and be about to leave. He couldn’t live without this man, his brain reminded him. If Leo left, everything was meaningless.

It was so with desperate energy that he jumped on Leo, dragged him on the ground. If the actor was so stubborn, it’s because he has something to hide. If Leo had been unfaithful and he left, then maybe Don wouldn’t kill himself. If Leo had cheated on him and lied to him, that’s mean he didn’t deserve his death he bargained with himself.

They fought on the floor and Don regretted not having Raph’s bulk to pin Leo on the ground more quickly. Pervitin made him lose weight, but his longest limbs were helping him to try to grab and hold Leo’s hands and Benzedrine gave him a decupled energy and enhanced his muscle strength.

They bumped into a table, making the lamp fall with a loud crashing sound. Leo was fighting fiercely, not to hit him, but to get free. But Don would rather get punched than let the man he loves so much leaving him. 

“Please my love, let me do this,” Don begged, frantic while untying the other man’s belt from the hand not circling Leo’s both wrists above his head. “I won’t touch you. I need to check something!” Why was Leo so unreasonable? Could he not understand that Don needed that to calm down? After that, he would never doubt Leo again. It was his lover’s fault to be so mysterious and sending mixed-signal. The actor was playing hard to get while being a big cock tease. Don didn’t mind to be patient but he needed validation that he wasn’t a fool to wait for Leo.

“I didn’t sleep with any man!” Leo’s eyes blazed with fury. He had stopped to struggle, but by his voice and face, it was evident he hadn’t calmed down. “Why would I? I have no interest in gambling what we have! You’re the biggest bidder anyway!” he spat and Don paused his gesture, taking Leo’s anger in full face. A bidder on Leo’s ass it what he was? “I told you already, did I?” Leo continued, beyond furious. “I’m not as promiscuous as you because sex doesn’t mean a thing to me! Why would have ruined everything for such a vile, trivial act! So remove my pants if you want, but brace yourself for the aftermaths!”

The young man dark eyes gleamed with challenge. Don gulped, weighing the pros and cons. What Leo said about sex was making no sense and he put the declaration on the back burner. It was important to know if Leo had something to hide or not and if it was worth the shot to anger him to discover the truth.

Leo could bluff, daring Don, knowing the playwright always backed down from a fight with his actor. He tried to compromise, by talking softly and let go of Leo’s hands. But he was still straddling the young actor.

“I’m profoundly desolate you see me as a bidder on you, Leo.” He finished untying the brown belt. “I love and care for you deeply.” He leaned over him, pulling up the vest and shirt to unveil the actor’s abs and he kissed his navel. “I admit I’m jealous.” He glanced up, meeting the burning gaze of the other man. Leo was mad and it was an understatement. “Jealousy is a terrible feeling. It eats me alive. If you introduced to your friends and relative and allowed me to accompany you, I would be less worried, my treasure. I want to know you better, I want to know anything about you,” he murmured lovingly.

“Do you dare to imply that it’s my fault?”

Don didn’t reply, unsure of which answer would displease his lover the less. He pulled down the pants and Leo let him, stiff and still. He didn’t have to pull to the knees that Don’s eyes zeroed on what was causing Leo’s strained step, totally dismissing the fact Leo was almost naked and so beautiful and tempting. There was a more urgent matter. On the inside of his tight was a reddening bitemark. He wasn’t a doctor, but he knew. Leo got bitten by those waiters and the wound was getting infected. This is now that he realized that if Leo did a less good job to fight him was because he was maybe burning up from fever. Leo was hurt and sick and Don...assailed him.

“These sons of a bitch…” Don muttered, a deep concern wrote on his face. He stretched his hand to touch his forehead and check the actor temperature, but Leo cringed away.

“So you see?” Leo was flushed and his breath labored. “I came home hoping to take care of it, but I got welcomed by questions, blackmail, and what could look like rape since you removed my clothes despite my refusal. In what are you any better than them?”

Don stared eyes wide.

“I won’t ever hurt you!” he protested. “We have to take care of this. Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Are you hurt everywhere else? Let me see!” Don tried to pull over Leo’s head his vest, intending to do the same with the shirt right after, but the actor fought him again. "I know you show me this morning, but what if other bitemarks get infected," Don fussed. "Why, why not having told me this morning, when I asked to see? We could have taken care of it sooner!" he pointed out, very upset by Leo's state.

“I didn’t tell you because for you to not blow a gasket! You may be unaware of it, but you are kind of scary when you get angry. I didn’t need you went into a rage and kill Robert,” he huffed. Don supposed it was the name of the waiter with the eyeglasses. Indeed, Don was submerged by fury, struggling hard to hide it. As he had supposed, Leo didn’t like it when he get angry.” I didn’t want you to stay with me instead to go at your mother’s Easter dinner, neither. I don’t want you to accompany me either, because we are always all the time together. I feel like choking!”

Don smelled something in the actor’s breath, a faint aroma of alcohol and he frowned. 

“Are you drunk?” he asked softly. The last time Leo indulged in alcohol was three months ago, after the premiere, when they were supposed to make love for the first time and fate kicked Don in the face. He heard what Leo had said about feeling like choking, but Don was too pumped to pay attention and ponder. Maybe if the actor was drunk, it was alcohol speaking and he shouldn't worry too much. He had enough on his plate right now as reasons to feel anguish.“Anyway, let’s take care of your bitemark, first. Perhaps we should go to the hospital.” The director stretched his hand with caution to brush the black hair, as Leo was a frightened, wounded animal and in a way, he was. 

“Don’t touch me!” Leo slapped his hand away again. The actor ran a hand in his face, seeming to regret his outburst. “I swear Don, I care for you more than you think, but I can’t keep living like this with you,” he sighed, tiredness lacing his voice.

Don froze and held his breath, waiting for his sentence. 

“If having sex with me can kick you out of this frenzy, we can have right now.”

Don could be jacked on adrenaline and Benzedrine and be horny as hell, he stayed still. He knew it wasn’t a full green light.

“To see you so keen for it damages the image I have of you, but to see you acting like a lunatic do as well. So go ahead, fuck me,” Leo spat, eyes blazing. “Let’s get over it.”

“I love you.” Again, he tried to stroke the man’s hair. Leo didn’t dodge but stayed stiff and unresponsive. Whatever libido he could have died on the spot seeing the young man so unwilling. It had been twice the youngest man was so passive-aggressive and twice, he had a drink. Don promised to be sure Leo never drink at this point again. “I desire you and it’s true that I’m keenly waiting to make love to you, but not at the price you hate me. Besides, you just went through a rape attempt and you are sick. I’m not a mindless beast.”

Suddenly, an idea crept into his mind. Leo had been rather normal today, despite having been assaulted the day before. What if Leo had already been molested and raped by a man? Could it be Leo’s reason to hate his father? It was a sick idea, but Don knew it could exist. In fact, it would explain a lot about Leo, but Don knew better than ask questions. His lover was secretive by nature, but in his current state of mind, Leo was even more likely to shut down. 

“We have to go to the hospital.” Don gazed at Leo earnestly. “I don’t want you to get sick. I…”

“I don’t need to go and if I would, it wouldn’t be with you.” Leo sighed. “I need some alone time.”

It sounded very Greta Garbo-like, but Don didn’t sneer like he would have done with anybody else. Leo was disgusted with him and Don couldn’t tell him off for that. He was the worse.

“Please, my love…” Don had known idea at this point what he could say to convince Leo to stay, if not even the play was interesting him enough. His brain wasn’t working properly. He only felt a hollow cold spot getting wider by second in his chest. He was also probably crying, but was too out of it to check. “I will pay your mother roof!” he cried, desperate. “And after the second play, we will go see your mother in Japan!”

He had spontaneously exclaimed this, knowing Leo other weak spot was his mother. Anyway, he had already planned they could go to Hawai. It wasn’t a big difference to go to Japan instead and Don wished to be appropriately introduced to Leo’s mother. He hoped to win her, by argument or by cash, for her to speak in his favor. If anything, it was his unique chance to reach happiness. 

“What is happening here?”

Raph was at the entrance, a few feet away, a bag in his arms, looking rather shocked. It was probably the rest of the meal his mother prepared for him. Don could understand Raph’s stupor, they were offering a rather disturbing display. Leo was half-undressed on the tossed carpet next to a broken lamp and he could bet that both their face expressed something to the opposite of foreplay.

“Leo is sick. He has an infected wound. He is pretty stubborn to not go to the hospital,” Don explained, his lips twisted in a forced grin. “I’m not feeling well myself…Perhaps you could drive him there for me?”

Before Leo could talk, Don crushed his lips on his, making Leo taste his tears. He wished it could be enough for the actor to get touched by his love. Raph knew he was gay for Leo, anyway, so he had no reason to restrain himself. He had enough held back for his lifetime. 

When Don broke the kiss, he stared intensely at his lover, stroking his jawline.

“You are angry at me and I get it. This is why Raph will drive you and I will be reassured you are fine.” Don was smart enough to understand he needed to back off, the time Leo calm down and sober up. Then, he would reflect on his proposition when his fever would drop. He had to cut Leo some slack at least a night. To let Raphael, a well-known don Juan, alone with his beloved, wasn't thrilling him, but if anything, Raph was the safest choice. Raph would not make a move on the actor, now, seeing how much Don loved him. He will drive him diligently to the hospital. The actor would appreciate Don’s efforts and his respect for Leo needing a break of his presence. Also, at the hospital, Leo couldn’t try to get a bigger fish, Don’s jealousy will be at ease. Anyway, if anything Don wasn’t thrusting himself. He needed to calm down too. “In any case, you should change your clothes and put on more comfortable ones before leaving.” Don gave him a reassuring smile that hurt his jaws.” Did you eat? I can prepare a snack bag.”

Leo stood up, pulling his pants, flushed and flustered, trying to hide his shame and get a composure for Raph. Gently, Don shielded him with his body, kissing him again and walked him to their room, his arm circling Leo’s waist. “Take some clean clothes and have a quick shower and clean the wound with mild soap and water.” Don didn’t even wait for Leo’s answer. He only wanted to be alone with Raph a few minutes, without his lover suspecting a thing. “Rinse for several minutes under running water. After I will apply an antibiotic ointment to help with the infection and bandage it. I can’t let you go to the hospital without basic first aids. I would look like a neglecting older brother,” he concluded bitterly.

He had spoken in a soft voice but with a tone that left no room to refuse. Don waited Leo was in the bathroom and he hears the water running for finally speak to Raph. His cousin had studied his every move but had stayed silent, something very unusual to him. 

“What happened for real?” Raph sounded rather annoyed now. “I know you know, but you are starting to get nutter with each passing day. Even your Princess seems kinda afraid.”

Don dismissed the comment. It was hurting him too much to know Leo and he were at odds.

“We got into an argument because of you,” he explained gloomily. “I figured he was walking stiffly like he had sex, turned jealous, wanted to check. He fought me and resisted and so I forcefully undressed him. Then, discovered the bite of one of these bastard got infected and he was feverish.” Don ran a hand in his hair. He couldn’t live this stress and pullet out his cigarette case, but he couldn’t lite one; his hands trembled too much. Now that Leo wasn’t there, he could fall apart. Raph knew already Don was a pathetic, wicked mad man. “You see your doubts were ridiculous; Leo couldn’t bite himself there; neither a friend would have done it for him at this extend. Besides, why would he stage it? He wants to get away from me.” He gazed at Raph to show him the pain he felt, uttering these words. “He is sick because of those men. We got into a fight and I forced myself on him because of those men. Now, he is mad at me because of them.” He was still unable to lite his cigarette and Raph walked the distance, using his lighter to help Don. He took a deep drag of smoke like he wanted to choke on the tar and release a long, shaky puff. “Forget what I said earlier. I want more than a broken bone,” Don murmured, ogling Raph, hoping he would get the hint without him having to get more explicit. 

Raph stayed his arms slack, processing a few seconds.

“You need to get laid, Donnie,” he grumbled finally. “And I mean with someone else than him. I'm about to think that you are some kind of what they call masochist.” Raph pulled out of his pocket a $50 bill. “Takes some beenies, go at Tony’s and pick two black-haired bitches up. Rent a room and plow into them until the morning or your joints come watery. If you promise to do that, I will drive Aisu at the hospital and then...if you’re still up, do my other part of the deal.”

Don has a strained chuckle. At this point, he guessed that him having sex with other people would relieve Leo. He wiped his cheek, barely registering that they were wet with tears. He wasn’t sure he would feel better and he guessed Raph knew it. Something in the way Raph was looking at him made him think that Raph more wanted Don to not be alone, in case he decided to end himself. 

“Okay, I will,” he promised with a fake eagerness, taking the money, shoving it in his pocket and he turned to go at the bathroom. Leo was done with his shower and if nothing could heal Don’s heart at the moment, he wanted at least to clean and bandage Leo’s wounds. 


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no beta

Don was at his fourth bourbon, drinking his sorrow at the counter when a hand landed on his shoulder. He turned his head slowly, uninterested.

“I’m glad for once you were reasonable,” Raph, with downcasted eyes. “You listened to my advice and went here. I was actually worried you kill yourself.” The comment hung in the air a moment. “You are probably the only guy I know being high on Benzedrine and still be down. This depression of yours is getting old.” Raphael sighed, looking suddenly tired.

Don glanced around briefly, ignoring his cousin’s statement. Leo was nowhere to be seen. He grabbed Raph’s hand and squeezed with desperate energy.

“Where is he?” he asked, stammering, trying to speak louder than the music. “Will he be alright?”

“Yeah.” Raph dropped on the stool next to him and ordered an old-fashioned whiskey. Don waited with a racing heart Raphael to continue. “They checked the wound and gave him a shot. He is fine, no one ever died from a fucking bite, so calm down,” he said, without even looking at the playwright.

The barman gave him his drink and Raph drunk the whiskey in a large gulp, before motioning he wanted a second one. “I drove him to your place, he did a bag and I left him in a motel.” Don grabbed the counter as he was afraid to fell from his stool. “I paid him a stay of four nights and gave him $15 to help pay for his food,” Raph continued. “He fought me a lot, but finally took it. Maybe he threw it away, anyway...” he trailed off, shrugging like Leo was a lost cause. Don stared and finally, Raph’s eyes met his. “You two need a break. I need one as well from your fucking business. I’m returning to California.” He took the lowball glass in his hand, gazing at it like he could draw an answer from his drink. “If you love him as you pretend, you will let him go to Hollywood. You know is that what he wants and with me, he could reach fame faster than with you, in Broadway.”

Don grabbed his cousin’s arm, preventing Raph to drink, making the whiskey splatter.

“You want him, do you?” Don hissed, his usually calm and cold browns eyes blazing. “It’s like everything else, right? You got an interest in one of my new passions and then, try to rob it from me by getting better to succeed at it?” Never Don had been so explicit about how he felt with Raphael before. By Raph’s frown, Don got more incensed. How dare he pretend to be innocent?

“When I played tennis, you did as well and get better than me, because you suspected I have a crush on the tennis coach and wanted him to look at you, instead. When I decided to be a playwright and a composer, you decided to be a producer. I know, you do that as a front job, to wash your dirty money, but still, you could have done like everybody else and open a damn restaurant!” Don leaned closer, his face threatening. Raph’s expression was unreadable. “I never voiced how annoyed I was you mimick me, but Leo is another story. He is mine,” he snarled. “What did you do to him? Did you force yourself on him? I won’t let you have him.”

In a harsh move, Raph free himself.

“You mean like you did by undressing him?” Don flushed with a mix of anger and shame at the memory. “No. I tried to speak with him, but he barely said me three sentences all around the lines that “My life isn’t your business. Anyway…” Raphael was obviously mad and hurt. “I had no idea you feel this way. I think it was evident I did by admiration for you, because at the time...I think I was in love with you.”

Raph finished his second glass, but instead to order a third one, he asked for the tab. Don wasn’t speaking, stunned. Did he hear it well?

“What? Why?” Don choked out. How could someone be in love with him? Even less Raph from all people. “Stop playing around! As if it could be true!”

“You have serious self-esteem issues, Don. You’re kinda cute and you got this troubadour figure, I guess it’s how is called?” Raph said dreamily and Don was barely conscious he was gasping in a stupor. He wasn’t convinced Raph wasn’t making fun of him. “You have eyes full of quiet passion and beautiful hands. No one smoke as elegantly than you, you know?” Don studied his hand holding a cigarette like it was an alien limb, stunned there was something remarkable about it. “And well, you are a genius. I always valued your creative mind. Let said I have a thing for unreachable people, too,” Raphael concluded.

“We’re cousin…” the playwright finally manages to stutter. Raph was a womanizer. it wasn’t making any sense. Was it a joke?

“Yeah...But Aunt Maria is the half-sister of my father, so weren’t close relatives. Anyway, what is bad about fucking relative is mostly about the child they could have. We’re both guys and it’s already considered sinful, so who would have cared, at this point if we fuck together?” Raphael pointed out, but Don was far from convinced. Anyway, it wasn’t the point.

“I don’t see you this way,” Don murmured, confused and desolate. “I’m sorry, I had no idea of…”

“Nevermind,” Raph interrupted. “Anyway, it was a silly crush. I know your taste better, now. It would have never worked out. You are into gracious and cold creatures that wait to stab you with a sweet smile.” He smirked. “Getting denied sex makes your motor running better that if you could get off. Your Leo is clever; he knows it.” Raph took a pause, gazing off into the distance and Don waited fidgety than Raphael continue.

“I’m nothing like Princess Aisu,” Raph huffed. “Except we both have a fierce temper. He scratched me when I wanted to get him back in the car. Did you see it?” Raph pointed his hand, but he looked rather amused. “He is wild and he bites, but I guess it’s part of his charm.” Don wasn’t even looking at the scratch. He was still too dazed by Raph’s confession, so much he wasn’t even feeling jealous hearing the weird admiration creeping in his cousin’s voice.

“Don’t look like you’re gonna puke, geez….” Raph pulled out a few bills from his wallet to pay for his drinks. “The only thing that remains from this teen crush is that I don’t want to see you slice your own throat because you get blue balled by a cock tease,” he said gravely. “If I spoke about Hollywood is because I know your Leo can reach success and also because far from him, you will turn back your normal self. Because I don’t know if you are still enough into reality to notice it, but your family and friends are worried about you. It’s getting out of hand.”

“I don’t have any friends. My family resume at you and my mother,” Don replied blankly. “My mother is disappointed in me, whatever I do, anyway.” He crushed his cigarette in the ashtray. “Anyway, I don’t get why if I prefer to love a man, instead of fooling around with a dozen could be considered worse.”

“She doesn’t understand your attraction for men, I give you that, but she would come around better if at least her son was happy. But you are madly in love with a man who can’t love you back, and still…” Raph made a low groan of frustration, running a tired hand in his face. Don’s heart missed a beat. His cousin had just delivered him a critical hit, even if it was nothing new. Leo couldn’t love him back.

“Once upon a time, your eccentric personality was endearing, but now, it’s concerning,” Raphael declared. “If you believe that no one care it’s because you let nobody in.” Raph poked his chest. “And this is why it won’t work out with your beloved. He is the same. The little he express is for the show. His acting skills aren’t as good when he had a drink or with me. I still dunno why. I guess I remind him of a guy he peculiarly dislikes and it’s triggers something in him that lets his control slip.” 

Don instinctively understood now why Leo was so acting out of himself with Raphael. He never has seen a picture of Leo’s father, but he guessed there was something in Raphel that remind Leo his father. “But the point is that he dislikes me, but he would gladly let me pound into him if it was his ticket for Hollywood,” Raph concluded before standing up to leave and Don took it as a slap, but Raphael wasn’t done. “I won’t do it for the sex, even if he is a cute bitch, but for you to not be locked into the nut factory, maybe I will.”

“Bullshit!” Don was kicked from his shock of the previous statement by the threat. “He isn’t a whore like you seem to think he is.” He stood up as well. “Tell me where he is!” he demanded to know. What they talked about? Does Raph had tried to convince Leo to follow him? He had been foolish to thrust Raphael. “I need to see him.”

Don was well-aware than acting too love-struck wouldn’t help with the opinion Raph had from him, but Don didn’t care, even if the mental institution was a menace still lingering in his family. Leo was somewhere in the city, and it was agony to not see him, neither to know where he was. He needed to know Leo didn’t need Hollywood if he had Donnie and Broadway. “Please, tell me where he is...I need to see him,” he kept insisting, trying to soften his tone. “I want to see if he is alright and apologize for my behavior.”

“Speaking of whore, why not pick up this one?” Raph ignored Donnie’s question and he pointed a dark-haired man, in his 20’s and slender. Before Don could prevent him, Raph motioned to the young man to come. Then, he snapped his head to Don. “Get fucking laid,” he growled. “Just empty your balls in any ass that could remind of your Princess and get a fucking grip!” It was Raph’s turn to dug his finger into Don’s arm. “I’m going to do what you asked me to do, but you know it is at this price. Except if you have changed your mind about it.”

Don shook his head. All of this was happening because of those scumbags. For what they did, they deserved to eat with a straw for a full month.

“Thursday, you will see your Leo at the theater,” Raph uttered in a slow tone. He seemed kind of discouraged Don didn’t change his mind. “He is still the lead actor of your play, so it’s not like you will never see him again. He wouldn’t miss a standing ovation because he is pissed at you. So, cheer up. It’s only a wait of a few days.” 

The black-haired man was now there, his gaze lustful. Maybe he imagined he would get banged between Don and Raph.

“This is my cousin Donnie,” Raph introduced. “He got his heartbroken. I have somewhere to go but I would be glad if you could entertain him.” Raph pulled a $50 and shoved it inside the newcomer’s hand. “He will pay you a drink or two and you could finish it somewhere, right? I may have rented a room for you at the Chelsea.” He winked and Don flushed, realized how far his cousin was ready to go to be sure Don wasn’t left alone. “With this, I hope you will keep him company until Thursday morning, capiche?” Raph told the guy.

“Of course,” the man stammered.

Don stayed still, not even taking detail of the man. He had a brief thought about how much he owned to Raph now. Maybe it was true that Raph had loved him and still cared. It wasn’t even only about his debt as director, but also, Raph had given him money and to Leo’s too. He clenched his fist. He didn’t like a bit Raph was taking care of Leo. It was Don’s duty and sole purpose in life to care for the actor. He was too much indebted to Raph, if it was continuing, Don couldn’t look at himself in the mirror. But his cousin stopped to slid forcefully in his jacket pocket what Don guessed was bennies. He stayed still, Raph thought of everything, to be sure Don kept himself in check and wouldn’t end buying a gun. 

“After what I had asked, I think it’s a good idea you go back to your producer’s job.” Don lite up a new cigarette and when he took a drag on it, he felt self-conscious. He wondered if Raph still found it beautiful when he smokes. Probably not, Raph knew too much about his pathetic side, now. “I can’t thank you enough for what you did for me. Of course, I will refund you next month.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Raph waved his hand dismissively. “I will call you when the time comes.”

Don’s gaze followed his cousin’s back until Raph disappeared. He turned to the younger man and, in an impulse, finished his drink, crushing the ice cub with his teeth. He ogled him with little interest. His mind kept picturing Leo’s much more handsome appearance and he had no desire to sleep with someone else. He loved Leo and wanted to remain faithful to his muse.

But Leo didn’t care who he fucks and Don kind of promised Raph he would, he bargained with himself. The fact was that he was feeling horny and indeed, getting off could clear his mind. Leo didn’t like it when Don was moody or when he was angry. 

“Let’s do it,” Don decided, asking the tab.

****

Don had spent two days and three nights in a sexual frenzy in a hotel room, swallowing Benzedrine pills to get energy. Of course, he won’t taint his and Leo’s room by taking a male whore in it. The playwright made only a quick stop to take some tools and his ropes and a change in clothing. They barely stopped to eat ordered food. He didn’t even bother to foreplay or even, doing something else than ramming in the willing ass. It was such a rare opportunity, to get a partner that refused him nothing at all, seeming to have stamina and a lust equal to Don, that he unleashed on him of all the feelings and desires he held back for a year. What was good is that he doesn’t even need to care or be concerned to hurt him or scare him off. This guy was as gay as Don and loved every moment of it. It was refreshing, but not even a single minute of it, he forgot Leo. He was doing it for the actor’s sake, he tried to convince himself. He was fucking senseless a stranger to be able to love respectfully and patiently Leo, this beautiful ice statue.

They had so much trashed in the bed, they have broken it. No one blew fuss at the hotel and Don guessed Raph had a reputation. But on Wednesday morning, Don couldn’t take it anymore. He needed to see Leo, to sniff his soap perfume, and brush his silky black hair. He needed to apologize, heard Leo words of forgiveness, and then, they start over with their cuddles and platonic love story. On the radio in the room, Gloomy Sunday from Billie Holiday was playing. It was a song Leo loved, making approving comments about how the band did a wonderful job to frame the singer's voice. They had the record at home, but Don couldn’t listen at it without feeling like putting a gun in his mouth. He wasn’t believing in granny tales, but rumors told many people took their life listening to it. Even if Don was sure the Great Depression, unemployment and war had done more for that than a single song, he could relate to the oppressing desire to end his own life. Leo, by his sole presence, was making anything brighter. Now that he had no more pills left, he wanted to be home and rub his face into Leo’s pillow. Crushing from these pills was the worse but dealing with life sober was too hard. He couldn’t cope with the aftermath of this fight. He should have listened to the actor.

“I need to go home,” Don said, busy with his cufflinks. He just took a shower, brushing his sin away and was getting dressed. “My...lover may have come back and he could be worried about me.”

Don doubted Leo was back if Raph paid for four days. Leo was probably not ready to deal with him when it was still unnecessary. The playwright didn’t want to go back to his apartment and found it empty, with still the broken lamp on the floor. It would be unbearable. This is why he had taken Raph’s offer, anyway, he had very little room to refuse. But in any case, if Leo had changed his mind or had calmed down, Don wanted to be there to greet him. They had been apart long enough and he couldn’t take it anymore. 

“Is he a man, right? I hear you calling me Leo a few times,” the guy said with his heavy Italian accent, and Don realized he didn’t even ask for the guy’s name. But Don felt that it was better this way. He felt more loyal, but the thought to have let his lover’s name out made his cheeks burn. Poor Leo had nothing to do with that secret tryst neither with this prostitute. 

“Yes,” Don replied coldly. It wasn’t this stranger’s business to know about Leo. “We have a disagreement and needed a few days apart to cool our head down. Now, I’m better. Anyway, I have to eventually go back to work too…” he trailed off, putting on his tie.

“What do you as a living?” the man asked, and Don uttered a disapproval tskk. Now that he wasn’t horny, only shame and regrets lingered. He pretended to love Leo with all his being and still, he couldn’t keep his dick into his pants. “I’m asking because I’m a new American citizen and finding a job is hard! You liked your time with me, right?”

Don looked at his reflection, barely glancing at the man. 

“I’m a playwright.” It wasn’t a lie; just not the full truth. “I can’t hire you. You should have asked my cousin…” It was true the man had given him a great time and Don paused himself. He didn’t know to speak with Leo to know that nothing between would magically improve in the short run. Maybe having this guy near could help at hand reach, as a Benzedrine inhaler. “We need a janitory helper at the theater.” The minimum wage was 40 cents by the hour. Don guessed that if he gives him 47 cents, he could eventually ask favors without being too embarrassed. “We will start rehearsal for my new play in two weeks from now. Then, I will need you six days a week, but for now, I only need a part-timer.” He handed him his business card, but before the man seized it, Don snapped it away. 

“My lover is my lead actor. What I have with him is precious to me, more than anything,” Don explained in a clipped tone. “Butt in or even try to get close to him and you wouldn’t be able to seduce any client, anymore. Understood?”

The young man nodded eagerly and, benevolent, Don handed the card and told him to be there Thursday at noon.

When he realized he still didn’t know his name, Don was already on the sidewalk.

****

Don tried to brace himself for the disappointment to return to an empty apartment. He still bought two croissants, but his heart was heavy. He wondered if Leo was there if he would tell him about where he came from. He decided against it. Leo didn’t need to know how despicable and weak he was. It was with a slow step that he get to his apartment, as he hoped it would give Leo more time to be there. When he pushed open his door, the cold pit in his stomach grew wider, seeing that no one had been there since their epic fight of Sunday night, indeed. With a throbbing heart, Don got the broom to pick up the broken lamp. When the evidence of their argument disappeared, the playwright walked to the record player and pulled out from record sleeve “Gloomy Sunday.” When the melancholic melody filled the empty living room, a little static because the record was dirty from Leo's enthusiasm to make it play, Don slumped on the couch. He remembered he had no more cigarette and debated with himself if he should go buy some. But his eyes landed on the ashtray and his chest throbbed so much that Don stood up and walked to the suitcase containing his belonging he brought to the hotel. He glanced up to the ceiling, searching a spot where he could hang his rope and get over with this endless painful life. Today was the day, anyway, Leo would never come back and even if he did, he would never love him back, as Raph had pointed out. So why dragging his exhausted body any longer?

But suddenly, when the song was over, the door swung open and Leo appeared. Don stared briefly in confusion, wondering if it wasn’t a delusion caused by the misuse of drugs. Leo’s breath was ragged, his pale face flushed as the young man had run. Emotion like that was a rare sight on the usual calm actor. Maybe Leo felt finally the same as him, Don suddenly thought and he opened his arms in amazement, welcoming anything his lover was ready to give.

But Leo wasn’t moving, clenching the newspapers against his chest. Behind them, the record skips, the last groove repeating over and over, the hiss-crackle-scratch-hiss crackle-scratch sound making it look even more unreal.

“Leo, my love,” Don murmured, surprised about the weird expression his lover was making. Leo seemed...scared. Of course, he is, his memory recalled him. You assaulted him, you crazy pervert.

“My beloved, I won’t harm you. I’m better now. I was only...exhausted...and with what had happened with you...I was so upset by it,” the director struggled to explain. 

“Did you went to Sardi’s?” Leo asked, in a blank voice.

Briefly, Don had no idea how to answer that. Raph did, did he? But there was no way Don admits that Raphael was the one that avenged Leo and gave the eyeglasses guy and his friends a good beating.

“Yes,” he lied. “I went there yesterday. Everything is fine. They won’t bother you anymore.” Don nervously ran a hand in his slick hair, becoming fidgety by the smoking craving. 

For a moment, Leo stayed still, as pale as he had seen a ghost. Then he seemed to kick himself out of it with a shiver.

“Make...make love to me,” he choked out and Don was speechless. What was happening, he wondered. The young man was now grasping him and Don supposed Leo was relieved Don “talked” with those waiters. Maybe there was making of Leo’s life a hell for months and he didn’t know about it. But what was mattering was that he was embracing his lover and he leaned over to kiss the black hair with passion.

“You should have told me sooner,” Don reproached in a soft voice. He didn’t want to take the sex offer. He could get hard for Leo in five seconds flat despite the sex he had for the past days, but he was calm enough to realize his lover seemed too emotional for it. “I would have dealt with them long ago.”

The statement made Leo clung to Don as a lifeline. 

“Make love to me,” he insisted. The actor glanced up, meeting his eyes. “Or don’t you want me anymore?”

Don stammered denials. Of course, he still wanted Leo, but this 180 from three days ago was dizzying and his lover seemed more upset and desperate than horny. Leo was looking like a child running to his parents’ room after a nightmare. Does the young man miss him at this point? It was too good to be true.

“I don’t want you to feel forced, my treasure. I can wait.” It was such a testimony of his love and he brushed tenderly with his lips his lover’s hair. “Please, tell me why you seem so troubled. After that, I will make you my apology and we could talk. If you still are in the mood for it, I would worship your body with all my adoration. How are you wound?” he asked, remembering what had occurred when they fought.

“I told you, did I?” Leo’s voice was a murmur. “I told you there was no need to be violent. Why having gone...that far?”

A terrible feeling crept into Don and suddenly, the bed seemed very appealing. Nuzzling into Leo’s hair, coiled against him, under a blanket was a better prospect than what Leo could say. He wanted to build for him and Leo a nest, a pillow fort where they could love each other and hide from the world’s ugliness.

Don refused his mind even linger of what Raph could have done. He asked for more than a broken bone. Did Raph break both their legs? He doesn’t even want to know. The important thing was that they won’t mess with his lover, anymore. 

“I changed my mind, I missed you too much,” Don said, leading the younger man toward their room.

Leo lay down on his back and didn’t resist the eager fingers that were undressing him and then stroking him. He passively listened to Don’s passionate declarations of love, shivering at every kiss, like he was cold. Something was off about his lover, but Leo was docile and sweet and Don needed to be a little selfish. Just once and after, if everything blows in his face he would die with no regret.

“Here, let me cover you with the blanket.” He stroked the jawline with his thumb, a familiar gesture of love. “I apologize for my jealousy fit. I do really love you. I won’t harm you or scare you ever again.” Don didn’t say he won’t ever doubt him, anyway, as every time he spoke to the actor, he found his speech poor. He hoped their lovemaking would better convey his feelings. 

Don took his time, feeling that it was perhaps a lifetime opportunity to express his love and he didn’t want to ruin it. He tried to ignore the best he could how Leo’s gaze has the terrified gleam of a hunted animal. Leo was shy, Leo was a virgin, Leo was straight and dreading his eleven-inches cock that was pushing slowly against the ring muscle of Leo's entrance. He did his best to carefully and gently breach him, monitoring his expression to be sure Leo was still only nervous and not in pain. The whole foreplay, Don had emptied his mind. He didn’t want to think back of what Leo said before, about not enjoying sex at all. It was a beginner fear and nothing more. If he was loving, patient, and considerate, everything would be alright. Leo would learn to love it with him.

He was now deep to the balls and he cooed sweet encouragement to his stiff lover. He let him time to adjust to his girth and then started a very slow pace, before increasing it. Leo was so hot and tight, even better than anything he had fantasized about. It took a moment before Leo’s moans turned more genuine and in the back of his mind, Don was actually glad he had so much sex in the last 72 hours that he didn’t blow his load right away. It was a dream that was turning reality and he wanted to enjoy it the longest he could.

“You feel so good. Do you feel good?” Don asked, unable to voice exactly how he was blissful. He kissed Leo’s chest, sucking his nipple delicately, nibbling the blush-colored bud. “And you taste good too. I love you.”

The actor never answered to any love declaration, only uttering moans but Don refused to be greedy. This willing body meant anything to him, since it had been refused for so long. Leo’s eyes were shut, and Don regretted it, hoping to read his emotion in Leo’s eyes. He never had sex with his partner in front of him and wanted to enjoy every minute of it. He tried to draw more sound of Leo, searching for every sweet spot he could have on his body.

The other new thing was the arms circling him. He usually tied down his partners. Don could get off by the nail digging in the flesh of his back, the sharp pain making him even dizzier with lust.

He increased his pace, but stayed steady. Deep inside of Leo, he had found the right spot. Leo hadn’t howled in pleasure as the other men do, but he had snapped his eyes open in surprise. Angling his hips Don hammered it, feeling that had each trust, he was dragging a little more Leo to the gay side. He tugged on Leo’s cock, giving hard pull, trying to undo his lover first.

“Come for me, baby,” he chocked. “Please.”

He felt Leo’s muscle tightening around his cock, squeezing it and Don felt like melting, his eyes rolling back in his skull when the nails dug deeper in his flesh. 

Don couldn’t help it, he chased down his orgasm thrashing into Leo and yelling, calling his lover name while he tipped over the edge.

He opened a languid eye and he realized he had been out of it at least a moment, his head now resting on Leo’s chest.

He glanced down and with his hand, he checked if Leo’s belly was wet with semen. It was, and Don had a doped smile. Leo had enjoyed it enough to climax.

“Need to sleep,” he mumbled. Damn, he didn’t sleep in days and the wild ride had drained him out. He felt asleep, his whole weight on Leo, still holding down the smaller man, to be sure he wouldn’t go anywhere.

When he opened his eyes, Don was disoriented. Leo was sleeping underneath him, their limbs entwined. Erotics memories flooded his mind. The happiness hit him so hard, he thought he would sob. But he was thirsty and with great care to not awoke his boyfriend, he slid out of bed to go in the kitchen to grab a glass of tap water.

While he was drinking, still in the daze of this dream come true, he tried to figure out how this miracle could have been possible. Leo had changed his mind for an unknown reason. From what Don could remember from their lovemaking, there was no way Leo didn’t like it. They would do it again and now nothing lacked to his happiness. Then, his eyes landed on the newspaper, the one Leo held when he came home. His heart pounded faster and he knew he should not look at it, but curiosity took the better of him and he picked it up from the ground. 

After one glance, he dropped it.

A body had been fished in the river, severed in half to fit in bags the day before. They just identified it to be a Sardi’s waiter, called Robert William and he could recognize the waiter with eyeglasses he had seen so often. It hit Don like a train, and bent as he had just received a sucker punch in the guts, he felt like puking. Why, why Raph went that far? What did he do with the other three? Don just meant a very harsh beating. When he had said more than a broken bone, he had kind of imagined an arm, a nose, and a leg broken, not this…

But then realization fell down him and he turned his head to look in the direction of the bedroom.

Now he understood while Leo had thrown himself to Don. The actor believed it was Don’s handiwork and Leo had been afraid of him...to be the next body dropped in the river if he keeps denying his director sex. It wasn't because Leo loved him or changed his mind, but because he thought Don was a murderer and in a way, he was. He had been the one asking Raph this favor and had given his cousin no clear limits. Don sank to the ground and had a silent panic attack.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Art by Alessa and Oas1s.

_'Don stayed for hours, smoking in front of the window in the living room, waiting for Leo to come back and put an end to this silent agony.' _

* * *

It took a moment for Don to calm down; well, in fact, he didn’t. But Leo walked in and seeing Don crouched on the floor, the actor stopped on his track.

Leo didn’t ask right away, uncertainty and worries on his face. He finally decided himself.

“Are you alright, Mr. Per...Don,” he corrected himself.

Don glanced up, eyes puffy and red-rimmed. Leo was so feeling uneasy with him, he was back at being Mr. Perkins again. It was an unexpected blow, but another proof that what they have a few hours earlier wasn’t lovemaking. It was Leo paying him with his body to stay alive or rather believing he must do that. How could he have believed Leo changed his mind a few after his assault and their fight? Filthy pervert like him doesn’t deserve such a fairy tale. 

He covered his face with his hands, too upset to even answer. Leo was already wary of him, even before this. What would it be now? He had so many flaws, he thought, desperate. Despite whatever could have said Raph, he wasn’t okay looking but not very attractive. His whole life, many people had looked at him like a weirdo. Don wasn’t someone friendly, not even bothered by what the others could think, too lost in his own creative world most of the time. Nothing appealing for an alluring youngster.

And then, his biggest flaw, his sin, his lust for men. A lust that he wanted to express physically and in twisted ways. He was so disgusting, he wasn’t even able to stay faithful for fuck sake! At the moment he had been alone and upset, he had jumped on another black-haired man. And now, he was a murderer. A murderer, his mind repeated, crushed by the realization. How could it have ended that way? He couldn’t ask Raph. His cousin had told him he was about to return to California. He probably jumped into a plane at the minute he was done with the “job” Donnie entrusted him with. Even if he wanted to blame Raphael for it, he knew it wasn’t fair to his cousin. First, he doubted it was Raphael himself handiwork. He was far too busy for that. He possibly ordered some underling to do it and one of them had overdone the beating or it was an accident. It could happen, with a hit at a weak spot of the skull or by hemorrhage. It was probably a dumb accident and to get rid of the body they dropped it in the river. 

Moreover, Raph did warn many times Don didn’t need to go that far and that he would end regretting it. But Donnie had insisted, asking more than a broken bone, only to get Leo’s eyes on him. Indeed, he had those eyes on him, right now, but the onyx gaze was scared and troubled. One must be afraid of what he wishes for; it was so ironic, he could write right now a play about it. 

Why, why could he not be happy for more than a few hours? It had been so good, to feel Leo so intimately and finally reach the dream he had chased for a year! But he had been naive anyway to believe that it would suffice Leo spread his legs for him to be happy. Happiness couldn’t happen to him. He doesn’t deserve it and now less than ever, with his bloody hands. 

“Was I...disappointing? I warned you, did I? I have no experience or whatever,” Leo exclaimed, nervousness lacing his voice.

Don interrupted him by a wave of his hand, still hiding his eyes in the other one. By his question, the actor was making it worse. Of course, Leo hadn’t been disappointing. He hadn’t been wild or passionate like one could have dreamed their partner to be. But this cold-tempered nature was part of Leo and Don loved the whole him. And yes, he had felt something was off, but in his selfishness and his cowardice, he had refused to stop at it and enjoyed the sex. 

It had waited so much for that and it had worth the wait. Something was exhilarating in having sex with the actor that Don had never felt for anyone. But now that he knew he got off because of Leo’s fear was making him sick. Would Leo talk to him about the newspapers? What could he say? There was no way out of this. Whatever he said, Don ended to be a criminal. 

“Don?”

“Of course, you weren’t disappointing…” the playwright choked out. “It’s...It was like a dream. Just to feel you so close, from the inside, be one with you…” Just speaking about it aloud, was making Don all hot and bothered. “It was thrilling. I’m sorry to be so emotional about it.”

“Oh.” Leo turned even quieter. “So, I guess you want to do it again?” he asked after a slight hesitation. “I’m hungry, but…” The former waiter’s eyes landed on the newspapers on the ground. Don could see them widening as the memory, making his heart throbbing. “Nevermind, I will just take a glass of water.”

Deeply upset by Leo’s loss of appetite because of him, Don murmured he bought croissants.

“A croissant isn’t a full meal, but it will make you wait more patiently until I prepare the dinner. We sleep a great deal of time and it’s already afternoon,” the director said after a glance to his watch. “I guess we had both some sleep to catch…”

Immediately Don wanted to facepalm, rethinking his tryst with the unknown guy, which was his reason for his lack of sleep.

“Where were you?” Leo looked around. “The ashtray is empty. Why didn’t you sleep there for three nights in a row?”

Leo’s question was sharp and his expression was suspicious in a very bad way, the fear already on the back seat. Don was feeling too devastated to be excited Leo looked kind of jealous. The actor could be now afraid of him, he was probably even more concerned to have Don writing a play for someone else. Many people wanted to be a Broadway star and Donnie’s threat about his influence in the entertainment world and how he could crush his career must still be vivid in Leo’s mind. 

He could pretend he stayed there; an empty ashtray wasn’t a convincing piece of evidence, but to lie to his beloved so shamelessly wasn’t something Don wanted to do. 

“It was too gloomy without you. I couldn’t stand it, my love,” he replied. It wasn’t quite a lie, but he regretted having given his business card to the guy. What if he boasted to Leo? He stood up slowly and his averted eyes saw Leo’s cautious half-step back. “Please, don’t be so nervous around me...I won’t ever hurt you, Leo.” He put the more conviction he could in his tone. “I apologize for what I told you and what I did to you. I won’t do it again. Please,” he choked out, tears running down his face again. “Let’s start over.”

Leo slowly nodded, uncertainty still apparent on his features.

Don prepared the dinner, that consisted of Easter leftover from his mother, while Leo was studying the next play. Indeed, it was Don had found as the best to fill the uneasy silence between them.

“We will do the audition next Monday, and start the rehearsal the next week. Dig in,” he said, putting down a plate in front of Leo. “I expect Dragonfly to play the whole Summer and the next one premiere would be the first Friday of September. I didn’t find a title, yet. I wanted your insight.”

In fact, Don has and idea for a title, but he was desperate to keep Leo’s interest on the next play. If the actor were involved, he would be keen about it and maybe put back the waiter’s death on the backburner. Flustered, he dropped on his own stool. Who was he kidding? There’s no way something like that could be forgotten. Then, an awful idea crept into his mind. What if Leo denounces him to the Police? He tried to calm down; there was no way Leo hated him at this point. Besides, Don did it out of love for him.

“Do you have an idea?” he asked the actor, desirous of making conversation and drowning away his remorses. 

“I don’t know.”

It was a very rare answer coming from Leo. Usually, the actor was very positive about what he wanted. He has a creative mind and also, a good instinct about business and publicity. This was another point that was making them great partners. But Don knew better than insist. 

They ate in silence, and Don’s heart ached to see his lover’s downcast gaze. It must indeed be a disturbing feeling to eat next to a criminal like Don had turned to be. Each thing he thought back at this new state, Donnie felt his brain throbbing at the memory. He had killed someone and maybe four people. What had happened with the other waiters? Perhaps their body didn’t surface yet. What if they made the connection between Sardi’s and Leo? What if his beloved get in trouble for his own reckless decision? He didn’t think that the consequence could get back to the actor he had wanted to avenge and protect. The playwright hated himself more than he never did. If Leo got raped in jail because of him, Don would never forgive himself! Why didn’t he listen to Raph and Leo? Both of them had agreed violence wasn’t necessary.

He must punish himself. Whatever he chose as punishment, it would be too sweet for the kind of scumbag he was.

“Do...do you want to do it again? You seem gloomy,” Leo murmured. 

Don snapped his head, locking eyes with Leo. He didn’t have to ask what “it” meant. Leo proposed sex because he was afraid of Don’s dark expression. It was so heartbreaking to see his beloved so timid and hesitant. Suddenly, it struck him; what he should do to punish himself—giving up on sex with Leo. It was a fair punishment, fitting with the sin. His possessiveness had driven him there. Don had crossed the line of sanity and had become a criminal because of his greed to be Leo’s only owner. 

It was such a huge sacrifice, but Don was ready to do it. But maybe, one last time, his brain bargained. Just one more time, before letting Leo go.

“I love you, I know you know,” Don chuckled lowly. “But please never doubt it, neither believe I could harm you. Don’t act so cautious around me.” Don has a sad grin. “You could slap and punch me, I won’t ever fight back,” he said, squeezing the actor’s hand gently.

“You did fight me last Sunday,” Leo retorted sharply, before remembering to who he was speaking and close his mouth. 

“I’m sorry. I promise not to be jealous anymore.” Leo seemed skeptical and edgy, and Don suddenly stood up, catching Leo’s anguish like it was a bug. He walked with nervous strides to the sink to clean his plate, to seem in composure. In front of the sink, Don made the mental promise he would be so sweet and caring, Leo would forget about this...incident. He tried to hold back the need to puke. What was done was done and he has to face the music.

He tried to fill his mind with the images of Leo’s gorgeous naked body and how beautiful he had been during sex, despite his stiffness. And being inside him had felt so damn good...

He didn’t deserve Leo, now less than ever. But one more time, the last one he wanted to hold him. He didn’t get to worship Leo’s body earlier fully. He needed to do it one last time to be content for a lifetime. 

When he turned his head to look intensely at Leo, the actor understood the silent message. He stood up and went to the bedroom.

****  
It had been five months and Don had kept his promise to never touch Leo that way, anymore. He didn’t even ask for a hand-job, neither for Leo to do naked modeling. They kissed, but very chastely and not even on the lips. Don was more acting like a doting eldest brother with the actor. He decided it was for the best, Leo would be happier this way and for himself, he didn’t deserve to have his needs satisfied.

Some days had been more trying than others. After a few weeks, seeing Leo was still acting out of character and seemed to have lost weight, Don decided he needed to take a step further in the sacrifice. It wasn’t because Don was a lousy person that Leo needed to be punished. The poor boy did nothing wrong. Leo was too young and too gorgeous to stay abstinent. 

One evening at the end of June, he had seen a woman wandering in the backstage. He had no idea who left her there, but he has held back his first move to kick her out. He knew it; it was churning in his guts, she was there for Leo. It was the kind of woman right in the actor’s alley: around forty, but still good-looking, thirsty for affection and obviously wealthy. 

What Don was about to do would hurt him so much the playwright could lose his last string of sanity, but it would be his redemption. Before meeting with him, Leo had a healthy sexual relationship. It was unfair that the actor must lead a monk-like life because he, Donnie, was jealous but had vowed not to touch Leo anymore. Maybe if he proved to Leo he wasn’t jealous anymore, the young man would stop acting like a scared animal.

“Are you looking for the lead actor?” he had asked the lady in a soft voice. 

Her embarrassed demeanor showed Don was right and, gentlemanly, he stretched his hand to lead her to Leo’s dressing room. 

“He is handsome, isn’t he?” he murmured in a painfully controlled voice. It was more a statement than a question.

To keep his voice steady had been as hard as to keep a poker face when he had introduced the woman to a puzzled Leo. He quickly turned his back, almost running to lock himself in his office to have his meltdown. The same things had happened a few times during Summer. Every time, there was a woman that could be a great match for his beloved, Don fought against his possessiveness. He had to also fight the unhealthy curiosity to stay to know if Leo has sex. He had thought of the idea to pierce a hole in the wall. Next to Leo’s dressing room was a storage room, no one would know and he could spy on the actor having sex with them. But Don knew he would harm himself doing this, in a much more definitive way than when he was scratching his skin to draw blood. So, he never did, and stayed carefully in his office, chain-smoking and sobbing quietly.

Every time, he tried to convince himself that Leo having sex with a woman wasn’t counting like cheating. It was Leo’s true nature, and if Don didn’t interfere in the actor’s life, Leo would perhaps have a fiancé. He had no right to be jealous. It wasn’t like it was with a man; Don couldn’t bear it if it was a man, as determined he was to keep his passion lowkey. 

Don did so well, faking a peace of mind he wasn’t feeling at all that a few months later, Leo was back at his usual self. It was apparent Don wouldn’t harm him and even if he was feeling unhappy, it was a relief to see Leo acting less jumpy around him. The young man was now getting out again, returning late, knowing very well the director wouldn’t dare to question him. Don stayed for hours, smoking in front of the window in the living room, waiting for Leo to come back and put an end to this silent agony. When Leo was back, the playwright greeted him with a smile and offered him to drink, eat, have a bath, or watch television. Everything for Leo to felt safe and happy. 

The new play had also kept his beloved busy; but despite how much Leo’s success was the thing he cared the most about, Donnie could bring himself to care as much as the first one. It was like a lingering dark feeling in his soul was reminding every time that, whatever he could do, whatever he would overwork himself to exhaustion or not, it would never been enough. This feeling of doom was taking to much space in his mind to full focus on the play. Still, they got an excellent critic in the media. But he couldn’t feel it in the marrow of his bone; Leo was disappointed this musical wouldn’t get as much success as DragonFly. This one was very good, but not scandalous. It missed the little spice DragonFly had. Leo probably felt cheated. 

Every single moment he was free, Don was writing and composing already the next one. He felt that if only one day he stopped to do it, Leo would turn his back and left. But even if the playwright was pushing himself as crazy, the fire of the inspiration wasn’t as bright as it was before. Maybe it was because before, he wasn’t as disillusioned? Or was it what they call an artist-slash-writer block? The fact he wasn’t sleeping very well wasn’t helping. Since Leo had refused Don sleep elsewhere, they slept together, but to have the actor at arm reach wasn’t soothing Don a bit. Leo was there, tempting and smelling good and it was hard to keep his hand to himself. But the worst part was the nightmares he had. In those, Leo kept bringing him newspapers about body parts found and Don kept denying he had something to do with, but then, he realized his clothes were drenched in blood. He always woke up in sweat, but every time, has to calm down to not wake up the man sleeping peacefully next to him.

It was the sixth weekend since the premiere. The theater was full, but Don could guess that the play could already come to an end in a two months or so. And still, his third play wasn’t ready, even if he was on the pills almost all the time. He would write, he would stay awake, but whatever he would produce would only be a work of good quality, nothing more. Nothing enough to keep Leo’s eyes on him, nothing worthy of him. A voice in Don was telling him that whatever success Leo had, the actor wouldn’t have it without him. The situation of Japanese ascent people was still bad, but now, Leo had something to put on his resume. What if he got a better offer from a bigger fish than Don himself? This fear was nailing him at his chair, trying to write another Broadway hit. What he needed was something even bigger than Dragonfly. But because he desperately needed it, his talent was nowhere to be seen.

In his office, Don pulled his hair, looking at the composition book, empty of any music and the notebook where he had written down a draft of the dialogue for the first act. Maybe he should hire someone else, delegate a little. But he had only faith in himself to make Leo shine as he deserved. He looked also at the account book, also open on his desk. The money was another source of stress. He had finished by paying for Leo’s mother roof, in his eagerness to get his beloved Leo to forgive him for his crimes. Thankfully, Raph never asked for his money, and well, if he did, Don had more than 90% of it ready to give. It was enough to keep Raph patient. He had no idea how his cousin was going at Hollywood. They never talked since Raph left, he never called. The few times he met his mother since Easter, she had not spoken about him. 

Don decided it was for the best. Leo acted out of character when Raph was around and for his cousin, Don was never sure if Raphael was repelled or attracted by the actor. The chemistry between them was weird and volatile.  
  
Don pondered a moment about it. To say Leo was acting out of character was inaccurate. What had attracted Donnie the most in the former waiter in the first place was his mysterious aura, behind a front of pleasant neutrality. At the time, Don was finding the waiter’s marmorean ways exhilarating for his muse. He could fill the “blanks” with whatever he wanted. Leo was like a blank canvas and Don had made an imaginary masterpiece with it. 

But what was attractive in a stranger, that you have a crush on wasn’t anymore for someone you are genuinely in love with. Don had hoped to see Leo’s true colors, ready to love his whole person, even if it didn’t fit with Don’s fantasies. He had waited for this moment, this intimacy he wished to share.

But now, Don knew better; Raph was right, Don could be as sweet as he wanted, Leo was letting no one in. The actor was nice and polite and could be even affectionate, but Don has received too many mixed signals from him to get fooled by the actor’s true feelings. Even to the playwright, who loved him so much, Leo was hiding his real personality. Leo was still an actor, after he left the stage, refusing to open up. Don was too hurt by this mistrust to get inspired as he was before by the waiter. Leo’s cold beauty was only enhancing Don’s clumsiness and nervousness instead of motivating him. 

But in any case, Raph wanted his full money back next week, Don had to cut on some expenses. He flipped through the pages, wondering if he could slack some people when his eyes landed on the janitor helper. He had given the guy biggest wages in the prospect he could ask sexual favors from him freely after. He never did so far; he had tried to tame his sexuality the best he could, as his punishment. But maybe it had been a mistake. He drew back, slumped in his office chair, staring at the ceiling. He was too pent up to focus, and it was the reason he was unable to compose any music. 

Without thinking, he stood up and left his office. He walked with great strides, not bothering to speak to anyone. It was the intermission and according to how people seemed in a rush, he could guess it was almost over. 

He was now walking by Leo’s dressing room without stopping. He still remembered vividly how the actor complained he felt like choking from the playwright’s overbearing presence. Don avoided Leo’s dressing room to spare the young man, except when once or twice by month, he introduced him to a woman.

“Director!”

Don stopped right on his track to Leo’s voice. He turned back and greeted him with the kind politeness he only has for his lead actor. 

“Mr. Hunter. May I help you?”

In public, they were careful not to look intimates. No one knew they lived together, even if Don guessed everyone has a clue he was madly in love with Leo, despite being so formal with him. Don didn’t care about himself. They could all gossip about him being a pervert; he didn’t care. But he refused Leo’s reputation could be tainted.

“I need to speak with you.” Leo’s voice was sharp. 

Don stayed there, arms slack. Leo needed to speak to him? It was very new, but he supposed it was a bad omen. 

He plastered an engaging smile on his face and stepped into the dressing room. Anyway, it wasn’t like he could refuse anything Leo asked him. 

“Of course, please tell me what it’s about?” he asked kindly, despite his racing heart. The actor was now standing in the middle of his dressing room. He wore the purple yukata Don gave him, over the swim trunk that he needed for the musical second part. The fact alone that Leo wore something he gave him was enough to make Don blood flare-up. But the yukata was loosely open, showing the actor’s chest and Don felt his palm tingling and his mouth growing dry. He shut his eyes a moment, and counted to five to compose himself before opening them, fists balled, like the physical attraction he felt was an enemy he needed to take down.

“Can you leave us?” the actor glared at his assistants. They almost ran out of the dressing room. It wasn’t usual to the actor, so polite like Don himself, to be harsh with the staff. Don stayed, fidgety like he was a mere assistant called to his boss’s office, waiting for whatever Leo was about to drop.

“I barely see you at the theater anymore,” Leo started straightforwardly. His onyx eyes were diving into Don’s soul and the attention was so overwhelming, the playwright clenched his own chest. “I’m starting to think you don’t love me, as you pretend, to avoid me so much.”

It was so absurd; Don had no idea how to react. He chuckled awkwardly. How could Leo be so blind?

“I’m a busy man, as you are.” He nervously ran a hand in his hair. To reply the truth would hurt himself too much. He wasn’t able to say to the actor that he knew Leo was afraid of him and couldn’t stand Don’s presence too much. To say it aloud, would admit the chaos and meaningless state of his life. “I only want you to focus on your performance,” he lied.

The actor narrowed his eyes, obviously not convinced. 

“Odd that you didn’t have such concern when it was DragonFly’s premiere,” Leo uttered, irritation lacing his voice. 

Don remembered with shame how much he had forced himself on the young man at the time. He didn’t have the time to apologize for his past behavior or explain his present that Leo crushed his lips on his. 

Don was too dazed to react and he stayed numb as the actor forced his mouth open to slid his tongue. 

Leo broke the kiss angrily and grasped the director’s hand, to slid it under his yukata, making him feel the hardening nipple.

“Touch me!” Leo growled in an authoritative voice. To anyone mentally reasonable, to be ordered this way would have been offending, but the director felt a sting of arousal. Why had he been so stubborn about avoiding Leo, already? Lust almost instantaneously blind him, and he rubbed his thumb on the actor’s nipple. He leaned over Leo to take the hard bud on his mouth and suck on it gently. But his mind recalled him on which occasion he had tasted Leo’s flesh the last time. It was enough to kill his boner.

Don drew back as the bud burned him. “Are you not wanting me anymore?” Leo shouted, outraged and Don had no idea where to start any explanations. The actor looked upset, but also, incensed by the director’s silent rebuttal. “It is why you don’t care about my dreams anymore?”

Leo didn’t wait for an answer. He grabbed the director’s cock through his black pants. Don gulped; he was still-half hard, it was impossible to deny. He was ashamed, but also worried about exposing his weakness again. 

“Why?” Leo demanded to know. “You changed; you don’t care for me anymore. You don’t even desire me! I should have known it.” His face twisted in pain and disgust. “You got what you wanted from me and you don’t care anymore!”

It was such a silly, ridiculous idea, as if he could not care for Leo or desire him. Don decided it must be another mind games. Leo was complaining about Don’s lack of interest to get something, but what? The actor was right to be angry at least about the fact that indeed, from the outside, the playwright seemed less eager to compose another musical. But it was a damn artist block! It wasn’t Donnie’s fault! Well, maybe it was his fault, but what was sure was that it wasn’t because he didn’t care for Leo. If anything, it was because he cared too much. 

“You didn’t like it,” Don blurted out. “The sex with me, I mean. It’s my fault, I should not have insisted when you told me being uncomfortable with the idea.” He didn’t want Leo to think he blamed him. “And you were right! Sex or not it doesn’t matter how I feel about you!”

“The last time we did it was different,” Leo said, something unusual in his voice and Don was tempted to cover his ears. He didn’t want to get his hope high and get disappointed again. The last time was blurry in his mind; he had made love to the actor like he was writing a suicide note. It had been all feeling without any consciousness. 

“What do you want? Money?” Don urged. Leo didn’t have to play games. He must know Don by now. Leo had only to tell him straightforward what he wanted. Everything to make this scene end. He didn’t need Leo to tease him. Don already felt like he was running a burning fever for months. By the face leo was pulling, the playwright understood it wasn’t to pay a new house to his mother that the actor was driving him crazy. “It is the next musical you are concerned about? It’s coming! I just have a kind of writer block!” he exclaimed.

Frowning, Leo opened his mouth, but Don for once was a lucky bastard. Dick knocked at the door. The intermission was over and they needed Leo now.

“I want us to continue this conversation at home,” Leo said, letting his yukata slid down, unveiling his perfect body. “Because this situation must end.”

Don didn’t say a single word as Leo stormed out the dressing room, still shocked to have been groped by the actor. What was that he wondered, but his mind was spinning with the word “end.” That was is: he had disappointed Leo by his inability to make a new hit. 

He ambled to the door like he just got punched. Dizzy from the shock to have been touched and the anxiety to know Leo wanted to talk to him, he had to take a hold on the door frame.

There was no way to misunderstand it. If Don wasn’t able to present something to Leo before they head home, the actor would break up with him. Thanks to Don’s very submissive behavior, Leo had grown not fear him anymore. He knew very well that Don won’t harm him and so wasn’t afraid to call it off. His mind racing, Don tried to picture how it would feel to have Leo broken up with him. He had to bad memory of the times he had tried to force himself on Leo and bent the actor to his wills to attempt to do it again. But it was impossible, he survives this. He had been too far for Leo to withdraw. He had bargained his soul and sanity and income for this man. It’s been more than a year that his whole life was filled with Leo’s image. Don would be like a car without fuel. A bunch of broken, useless parts and pieces.

Don sucked in a deep breath, pinching his nose and tried to calm down to no go hysteric at the theater. Maybe he was exaggerating, maybe it wasn’t that bad, but he needed to put all the chance on his side and get at least a song composed and a clear mind. 

At the same moment, the janitor walked by with his broom and the director decided it was a sign.

“You! What are you doing?”

The man stared a moment at Don, flustered. The playwright wondered it’s the guy guessed why he got called out and that it was the reason for his blush.

“I was going at the ladies’ restroom to clean up now that the intermission was over,” he replied, with a hint of something. 

“Oh yeah, the ladies restroom.” Don could be horny and his balls throbbing, he won’t let taint his theater reputation. A clean restroom was mandatory, even more for the ladies. Don could love men, he knew the female customers were the ones he had to care about as a businessman. “Go there, do your job, and come into my office.” Cleaning the restroom would take about 45 minutes, Don supposed. They would still have 45 minutes to fool around before the curtain call. Anyway, he didn’t even plan to bang the guy. It would be too unfaithful and besides, Don deserved to suffer. He only wanted a quick blow job to alleviate his stress enough to actually do his playwright and composer job.

The man nodded, his eyes shining and Donnie remembered how this guy had been an eager partner. It was so convenient to have at reach a horny gay man.

Now that it was settled, he returned to his office and tried to do his best meanwhiles. To know that he was about to bust a nut and get rid of some of the accumulated tension opened the door to his inspiration. The playwright was just done with correcting the first act and compose a song that he heard a knock at the door.

“Come in!”

The director glanced at his watch. It’s been over one hour since the second part started. But there was still fifteen minutes left before the end of it. Don wasn’t even bothering to salute the spectators anymore as playwright, composer, choreographer and director anymore, so he wasn’t needed there. The curtain call will take five minutes and then, Leo would take a shower and get dressed in regular clothes before looking for him. Usually, Don was the one wandering around Leo’s dressing room while the young man got dressed to leave. So, it left about thirty minutes for Don to get off. It was plenty of time considering how pent up he was.

The young janitor was there, fidgety, clenching the hat he was holding in front of him. Despite not wanting to waste some of his precious time, Don felt that etiquette required he at least said something before shoving his cock in the other man’s mouth. 

“You like your job I suppose?” he said, lighting his cigarette. “What is your name, again?” Don asked, figuring it would be more polite. 

“I’m Gian.” The janitor looked up, blushing. “And I’m very grateful for my job, Mr.Perkins.”

“Maybe you will appreciate a $5 tip?” Don was now nervous, unsure about how to breach the matter. Its been a while since he didn’t deal with any prostitute and this one knew Don was in love with Leo and even more, he knew who Leo was.

“You don’t need to give me anything.” The young man gazed at him with devotion. “I will do whatever you want me to do.”

Don frowned; something was off about the guy. Anyway, a penny saved was good and even more five bucks, but he wanted to be sure the man would shut up about it. He didn’t have the time to insist with words and after having pulled out his wallet, he put down the money on his desk. If the guy didn’t take it, too bad. Now that the rehearsal was over, the guy worked there fewer hours, so it would be his loss.

“I’m currently stressed about a lot of things,” Don continued straightforward. “I have another musical to prepare and this one needs to be better. It’s a lot of work since I’m not trusting anyone with the success of my theater and have to do all of it alone. I need to relax.”

Gian nodded eagerly and Don felt encouraged by this sight. The man was perhaps horny too and was actually glad Don wanted to have sex. But the fact was he didn’t want to fuck the man, only his mouth. And he wanted to make it clear that whatever happened, it must remain secret. It wasn’t like Leo loved him and would be jealous, but he didn’t want the actor to get mad about Don spent money on a prostitute and wasted his time. 

“I don’t want that to leak out my office,” Don said seriously. “I told you I love someone else, but it’s complicated.” He rubbed his forehead. Complicated was an understatement. “You know who this person is, right?”

Gian nodded gravely.

“Both he and I have high standards and I don’t want to offer him another half-assed work. Thinking of it give me a headache and I need some peace of mind to write a damn new Broadway hit!” he exclaimed, slamming his hand on his desk. “I need a break or I would lose my mind!”

Don decided he didn’t have to explain himself more than that. He pulled his cock out and motioned the janitor to come behind his desk. If anything happened and someone knocked at the door, the guy could duck his head under the desk.

The man said nothing and walked to the desk before kneeling slowly on the floor. At this point, Don was so horny, he had to hold back himself to no trust in the mouth immediately. He closed his eyes and continued to smoke, slumped in his chair, and enjoyed the pleasant feeling to be touched by something other than his own hand. Masturbating was something he only did in the shower, now when he was home and in his office at work. But all his orgasms were disappointing. He didn’t feel punch drunk like after he did it with Leo; he only felt empty and aching.

He wondered if thinking of Leo would make this betrayal worse or more acceptable. Well, it wasn’t actually a betrayal since Don was doing it to be more efficient to please his beloved. He had to stop overthinking, if he did, he would lose his boner. He had to enjoy the moment. 

The man was good with his tongue and lips and Don let the pleasure built inside of him. He was about to tips over the edge and spill his load in the welcoming orifice when a shouted exclamation made him snap open his eyes.

Leo was standing in his purple yukata, no even tied up, dark irises gleaming with a fury Don never saw to him, not even with Raph. But it wasn’t time to get lyrical taking detail of Leo. Don was in deep shit. He kicked away the man. How this could have happened, he wondered, glancing at the time. The musical was over since less than two minutes. He should have had at least still fifteen minutes left! 

“The show is over, already?” Don stammered. He was so stunned by Leo’s unexpected arrival that he couldn’t think at something else to say.  
  
“There was no curtain call,” Leo dropped and dread filled Don. This was actually much worse than having been walked on with a janitor sucking his dick. The musical was good, but he had overestimated how much. They needed something new right now to form a new casting and have rehearsal started before the current musical end. Of course, Don could still use someone else work and focus on his director’s job, but what about Leo? Could he force Leo to be cast in a musical not from him?

“What were you doing?” the actor asked with a scowl, even if it was pretty obvious in which activity Don was engrossed two minutes ago. He had no idea what to answer. Leo had been angry already before that so he needed to be cautious. Leo had told him he wanted a conversation, looking quite angry in his dressing room earlier. This is why Don got surprised. He couldn’t imagine there would have no curtain call and that Leo was so in a hurry to have a talk with him he would go straight to his office without having a shower and get dressed. And then, because he knew he was allowed to do whatever he wanted in Don’s domain, he had barged in without knocking. 

“I wrote something,” he blurted out. He crushed his cigarette in the ashtray “I think it’s good...If you want to take a look at it.” Don motioned to the open notebook, with a hoping gaze on the actor. Was it anyway the only value Leo saw in him? Leo couldn’t be that angry he got a blow job from a guy if he had been productive.

But Leo didn’t even bother to look, glaring at the janitor. 

“Who are you?” he spat.

“Mr. Perkins is working very hard for you,” the man said nervously. “He needed some stress relief, after all that he had gone through.” The words were spout with some harshness and Leo was livid.  
  
“I see.” Leo ogled the money on the desk disdainfully. “He is used to rent you?”

“He deserves happiness like everybody else,” Gian retorted. How dare he talk back to Leo, Don wondered with horror and anger. “I can soothe him.”

With the few brain cells not blowing like wet fuses, Don tried to step in. Don couldn’t let a low janitor defend himself and anger Leo. The way Gian talked it was like Don was used to asking him these kinds of service and worse, complained about Leo’s ungratefulness. But the next sentence Gian said was the worse and Don could have died on the spot.

“He said he needed me to get inspiration.”

Leo stared at Don in a way that only death could have. Pale, with his eyes wide open, showing pitch-black irises, lips trembling with anger. The careful cool mask Leo wore were broken, revealing his true nature, a very hot-blooded and greedy person.

Leo walked the distance to the desk and slapped Don across the face so fast the playwright don’t have the time to protect himself. The slap must have been hard, his eyes glasses fell on the ground. But Don was too out of it to notice if his face hurt. He bent over to take his eyes glasses and when he was able to see again, he noted Leo had snatched the money to throw it at the janitor.

“Get out!” the actor screamed. He snapped his head to Don, his eyes prying on him. “Or do you prefer he stays and I leave?”

Don realized he still hadn't spoken a single word to explain himself. 

“I was into a slump. I couldn’t write, I couldn’t compose,” he explained in a rush, dismissing the question, too even foolish for his mind to linger on it. “I know you weren’t satisfied with the current musical and I was overwhelmed by the pressure I have to give you something as good as DragonFly!”

“And so you used a low prostitute to get out of this slump?” Leo sneered. “Unbelievable. So this is why you turned me down at the intermission and are so cold with me. You got a new someone,” the actor spat bitterly. “I’m not enough for you now!” 

That was it, Leo was turning his back to leave after getting everything wrong. Don snatched his wrist in panic.

“This is not true! I love you! If I refused you it’s because you disliked it with a man! I don’t want to force yourself in something you dislike.” Don cast on him his more fervent gaze and she squeezed the actor’s hand. “I decided to give up on you! For you to be happier,” he exclaimed with sorrow. “I wasn’t cold, I gave you space! You told me I made you choke!” he corrected. “I also wanted to lead a life of celibacy, but you know how a sinner I am!” he added, his voice strained. Don didn’t even dare to look at Leo anymore. They both know what they mean. “I need this. To write, to be able to do something for you,” he pleaded. “But I can’t taint you with my...crime and unleash my sinful desires on you. So, I need to do it with other people to try to stay sane with this.”  
  
He uttered his words with all his love and sincerity, but Leo didn’t look impressed. Of course, he wasn’t. He must be disgusted with him. 

“What is this excuse of tainting me? You only find out I was too yellow to be your muse?” Leo snarled. “And you pushed to me all those women to try to get rid of me smoothly!”

Don couldn’t believe how Leo had mistaken his sacrifice.

“No.” Don shook his head. “All of this is for you! Since I’m not deserving you and bothered you with my jealousy, I wanted to show you how deep in the sacrifice I could go for you!” He let go of Leo’s hand to give him the notebook. “I wrote it for you!” he explained eagerly. “It’s about... “

“I don’t care! I refuse to be part of it!” Leo tore the page with the song, to torn it again in pieces and Don stared in disbelief at the fruit of his labor reduced in shred. “I won’t sing a song you wrote with someone else!”

“But I had you only in mind!” Don cried out. Why Leo couldn’t understand? How Leo couldn’t see how in-deep Don was. “I have no room in my head to think at something else than you! You drive me crazy!” he yelled at the top of his lung, losing it.

This time his shout must have been heard from the hall. It was rare for Don to make a show of his emotion, but he didn’t care. He was too tired. But it was essential to convince Leo he was unique and the janitor was only an expendable sex partner. Don has to do something even if he only wanted to curl up in a corner and die already. Life was too troublesome.

The janitor was still on the ground and Don walked to him, to grab him by the arm to stand up. Maybe with Gian out, Leo would calm down more easily. He imagined the scandal it could make, to see the director kicking the janitor helper outside while he and Leo had a scene, but it was too late. The young Italian was aggravating Leo and has to get out.

“You are fired.” Leo was the one having spoken, his dark gaze on the janitor. He walked by them, to sit on Don’s office chair. “Mr. Perkins would pay you tonight and for tomorrow and that’s all.” His eyes flickered to Don, studying him to see if the director would dare say the opposite.

“You have no right to decide! You are not the director!” Gian protested, looking at Don wishfully. “Mr. Perkins, I can give you more than him…” he clung at Don’s arm like a lifeline. “You will be happier and you won’t have to look elsewhere to get inspiration! Our bodies are compatible!”

Don felt sorry for Gian, but if the guy was able to read the atmosphere, he would understand that if Don was the Majestic director, Leo was Don’s boss. The irony was that of course, the janitor could give him something healthier. But it was like Don was offered fresh milk when he craved for a fine liquor, spiced with opium.

Don shook his head and was about to drag him away, but Leo snickered.

“Let him there. You both need a lesson,” he stated icily.

It was bad, but Don dropped the man’s arm and waited as a trained dog. 

“You are the one driving me crazy for weeks,” Leo hissed. “You made me feel…” Leo paused himself and Don's breath caught in his throat. Leo had been about to open up and he avidly watched the actor to got any clue of what Leo was about to say and was second-guessing at the exact moment. Never showed any weakness was Leo’s motto. Maybe if Don was alone Leo would actually have said it. But they weren’t. “Kneel in front of me.”

Don stared, speechless but kneeled anyway. Leo elongated his leg. He stretched his foot, obviously waiting Don remove the slipper like he was Cinderella. 

“Show this man you’re compatible with me and how I make you happy,” the actor demanded. “Show him that you will be more inspired with me than a pale substitute.”

Don’s heart leaped and in his chest. Leo wanted to humiliate him, in front of the janitor. For anyone sane, it would have been the end. If it was anybody else, Don would kick them out only to have the idea. But to see his lover so out of character, his eyes full of passion, even if it was mostly jealousy and anger, made his heart flutter. Leo was furious and wanted to show off Don was his; coming from the reserved actor, it was a love confession.

The director's whole body trembled, overwhelmed by the emotion. Leo was jealous and mad because of him. To know he could make Leo feel so strongly about him deeply moved Don. The beautiful statue Leo has gotten animated because of him. This Pygmalion feeling was exhilarating. He looked at the foot with reverence. Being allowed to prove himself again was an honor he didn't think he would deserve again. Gian could think Don was treated as a slave, Don felt he was as unique for the actor as Leo was to him. he didn't want a healthy and normal relationship as healthy and normal a gay relationship could be considered. Don was sick to the morrow of his bones; it was his nature to be attracted to something poisonous. No pills could give him the thrill to get to show how deep he could go for the love of his muse. Leo was right, only the actor could give him what he really needs.

"I'm waiting, "Leo said.

It was definitively a green light to touch the actor and such an opportunity was too precious for Don to even hesitate. He removed the slipper carefully, kissing the ankle lovingly. Leo wanted him to show off how much Don loved him and that was the thing he was the most eager to do. The actor spread his legs, put one on the desk, and raised his other foot high to be sure that Gian lost nothing of the show. He was an actor, used to be put in display and so to be worshipped in public was fine by Leo’s standard. Don had always been shy, but he had no hesitation to kiss and lick his way down the raised leg. it was like he had found his purpose; being Leo’s plaything. To be displayed like the actor’s belonging made him feel warm and fuzzy. His dick ached painfully, trapped in his pants.

“No hands. Cross them behind your back.” 

Don obeyed, not even slowing his leg’s worshipping. Everything to satisfy Leo.

“I know Mr.Perkins better than you,” Leo said. Don didn’t even bother to look up, busy nibbling delicately the inside of Leo’s thigh. The actor wasn’t speaking to him, anyway. “You can give him what he needs because you have no idea what is it. But I know.”

Don had always known the actor was too smart for the playwright’s good. It was something impossible to deny. Leo had figured him out long ago, when his own parents never did.

The actor cock was hard under the swim trunk he was still wearing and the director’s gaze zeroed on in, his mouth dry with anticipation. Leo was turned on by the display of power. It was fine, anyway. Because it was their true relationship; Leo could be his junior, his employee, a freeloader and having no degree, he was Don’s master. The director glanced up, hopeful to have the permission to taste Leo as he was a toddler hoping to have been enough of a good boy to get candy.

“You have to say please."Leo's voice was deep and velvety. "But before that…apologize and said this man is fired.”

“I apologize, he is fired,” Don repeated. “Please, now…” he was shaking with the need to please, to satisfy his lover. It what all that he had tried to do in the last months, but he had failed at it. To just beg and kiss and caress was so less exhausting that all that he went through. He had never felt submissive in sex, never even get curious about bottoming. His body was still not excited by the prospect to be the bottom, but his soul was. Leo had hinted at it; if Don could consider it, he would be more willing. Now Don was at the point Leo could do whatever with him if that means he would be happy. To let Leo have his way was less troublesome to spent his time guessing and failing. As a reward, Leo brushed Don’s bulge with his feet, making the director shiver from the head to the toe.

Somewhere in the background, a door slammed. Gian could gossip about Don being the sub bitch of his lead actor, he didn't mind. What counted was the softest light in the dark orbs.

The head of the cock was slid in his mouth and Don sucked on it gratefully. He struggled to keep his balance, with his hand crossed in his back and his steel hard erection, but Leo didn’t order him otherwise. He was sucking up and down, licking and kissing the length, getting drunk of the salty precum on his tongue. Leo was close, he could tell. The actor was squirming on his chair and moaning softly. Don was ready to drink him down to the last drop when the actor pulled on his hair and the cock slid out the director's mouth with a popping sound. 

He was about to protest when he saw Leo stood up and he felt the warm liquid splattering his face and eyeglasses in long, pearly ribbons. 

Don’s tongue darted between his lips, tasting the bitter semen and he was so turned on that he was about to cry.

“Please,” he begged, resting his head on Leo’s knee who just dropped back into the chair. The actor didn’t reply but glanced at him as his foot returned to tease the bulge.

“You’re not allowed to touch yourself, neither me. You will have to get off by my single toes.” Leo put a little more pressure, drawing a pattern with his toe on the bulge. “Because I got more sex-appeal in my toe than this rubbish man in his whole body.”

To orgasm almost untouched seemed impossible, but Leo seemed to have a natural talent for it, because a few minutes minute later, the director was panting heavily, still on his knees, with a damp spot on the front.

He was now slumped on a side, too jello-boned to kneel right. 

“I love you,” Don mumbled. “How could you believe I would look at someone else than you.”

Leo gently patted his head and the gesture soothed Don, giving him another rush of endorphin and he felt like sobbing in bliss. 

“I have a confession to make to you.” Now that Leo was in his afterglow, his anger had faded. “This is what I wanted to tell you earlier.”

Don nodded to show he was attentive, but then the door slammed open.

“What the fuck is again with you!”

Don stood up at the sound of the familiar voice. Raph was there, fuming and wearing a suit. He probably watched the show and had waited for Don at the exit. Not seeing him coming out, he had decided to go at him. Of course, with the worse timing ever. 

The playwright took from a drawer a washcloth and trying to look composed, he wiped his face and eyeglasses clean from Leo’s cum. He knew it was too late; Raph had seen him on his knees, face splattered with semen and Leo was still in the office chair. If anything the actor seemed the less bothered by the scene and the unexpected arrival.

“This is also why I went straight to your office. I saw your cousin there in the first row,” Leo said in a neutral voice. "I guessed he would come in and wanted to see you before."

“Did this fucker dared to hit you?” Raph demanded to know, ignoring Leo.

Don turned to the mirror. On his face was a red handprint. Indeed, now he could felt his face stung for a moment already. He brushed the mark carefully with his finger, and he felt butterflies. It was like Leo's owner seal on his face. The actor has no a single violent bone in his body. If he went that far, it was out of a passion for him. The passion could be mostly Leo being scared Don find another muse; it was still something. Something that made Don felt alive and not a flesh envelop, aching numbly. 

“This is any of your business,” Don replied calmly. Why doing a big deal of it? It was a mere slap and Don had deserved to be slapped. Anyone seeing their lover with someone else would have acted as Leo. Then he noticed Raph was looking at his groin. He followed his look and his face twisted in annoyance. Now, Raph would guess Don was getting off being beaten and humiliated. It wasn't quite the case, but to explain himself was repelling to him. 

“Indeed, it’s nothing about you. I'm done meddling with your shit.” Raph walked to the desk and slammed his fist on the desk. Leo didn’t flinch, looking straight into Raph’s eyes when everybody would have shaken in fear. “I have business with the director.”

Oh, so Raph wanted his money. It was quite a bad time. But well, he had enough to make him patient a little. He was about to get to his security safe, when he remembered he didn’t want Leo to know he borrowed money from the mafia. 

“Leo dear, if you can leave us…” he tenderly asked.

But Raph was the one snapping his head at him. His cousin has his two arms braced on the desk, looming over Leo sat behind with his superior size. 

“I said I have business with the one in charge and it’s obviously him,” Raph snarled, his voice filled with anger and hatred. “You’re the one leaving. Go wait at home because it could take a while.”

Don bristled at the order.

“Stop fucking around!” To be that crude wasn’t Donnie at all. “Leave him out of this!”

“How can I let him out of it when everything you do is about him?” Raph barked. “To reach you now, people have to pass by him. He is so controlling you…” Raph trailed off, his disgust was apparent. "But this...this is taking the motherfucking cake!"

Don quietly raised his hand. He had any strength left in his body and didn’t need to pick a fight with Raph. Besides, Leo was about to tell him something. He didn’t need Raph to spoil Leo’s mood.

“I know from the outside, it may look like that, but I’m pleased with the state of my relationship.” It wasn’t a lie. What had just occurred between them had put him at ease in the last ten minutes of it. He had a sad smile. What he was about to say wasn’t pleasing him a bit, but it could appease Raphael. “You were right, I’m probably what they call a masochist.” He turned to Leo, stretching his arm in a polite invitation to leave. “Just wait in your dressing room, Leo. I will be right back and we will have dinner.”

Leo didn’t even turn his head, black irises locked with green ones. They were two animals, Don realized. A black panther and a jaguar both studied the other, ready to leap and go for the kill.

“Wait for me at home.” Leo’s voice was firm. “This man is bad news and I don’t want him to distress you further.” Raph snickered about Leo being too caring and Don stayed there, arm slacks. What he was supposed to do? To obey Leo and leave was proving Raph he was right, about Don obeyed to his actor. “Wait for me in bed but don,t dare to be asleep,” Leo added and warmth crept into Don at the word bed. He fought with himself again a moment, torn by his pride and torn by his desire to please his lover. His passion finally won, overshadowing any rational thought at the idea he would get rewarded at home for his good behavior. The inspiration flooded him again and his mind was filled with melody and dialogues. He turned his back to leave, in a hurry to write everything down before forgetting it, but before he left, he turned his head.

“Hurt him or upset him in any way and I kill you,” he warned. Don was very worried of what Raph could say. “Don’t tell him unnecessary things.” 

“Yeah, right,” Raph replied carelessly, not even bothering to glance at him. He knew Don was talking to him and he knew the death threat was empty. “Don’t worry, I won’t touch this bitch to get nuts like you,” he muttered somberly and Don having no choice and in a hurry to compose, left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter was supposed to be longer than that and stop at a real cliffhanger, but it was getting quite long and heavy.


	21. Chapter 21

It wasn't long that Don regretted to have obeyed and left the theater. He had just proven again, to both Leo and Raph that he wasn't a man. 

He was alone in the dining room and was just done writing the full second act. He had started over the song composed earlier, making it better. That is why he had left, much more than because he had been ordered to. He had struggled so much with inspiration and been so long into a slump, he had to write it down before he forgot. Leo had believed Don's passion had dimmed and it was the reason for his lack of creativity. He had to prove the actor it wasn't true and the flame of his love-and inspiration- was as bright as before. He had swallowed a pill hard to stay driven. He had to hide them now. Leo had discovered his pill use and had been quite displeased with it. Don had told him he was a common thing in the show business and besides, he was taking those for Leo's career benefit. But the actor had asked him to stop taking them, after having thrown them. Don had held back three days before asking for new bennies at the drugstore in his absolute submission. Now he had to hide to take them as he was trying his best to not smoke with Leo in the same room. He couldn't hide the fact altogether. The smell was still on him. But now he was instinctively crushing his cigarette at the minute he saw the actor. Even in his shock to get walked on in the office, he still has this reflex. He daydreamed about it again for a moment. 

He wasn't sure how to call what had occurred between him and Leo. Claiming? He didn't dare to think he could be that lucky.

But now, the tap of his inspiration just shut, overshadowed by worry. He remembered the look exchanged between Raph and Leo before he left. What if Raph told Leo about the Sardi's waiter. What if he told Leo that he killed him on Don's order and would do the same to Leo if the actor didn't leave Donnie alone? How long since he left the theater? He glanced at the wall clock and his eyebrows raised in surprise. It had been two hours, already.

Don stood up and started pacing. For a reason he didn't understand, his cousin was getting more involved in his life since their encounter in this bar. Don's mother was probably the reason for it; she was worried about her son getting more gay every passing minute.

He ran a jerky hand through his hair. Leo had been about to tell him something and his instinct was screaming at him; it was something damn important. Was what it? Why did he run away like a coward? How could Leo respect him afterward? His thoughts brought him back to the intimate moment shared in his office. It was hard to tell if Leo respected him. In their almost ten months relationship, the former waiter had recognized the artist in him. Leo trusted his genius and was, most of the time, very considerate with him. It was enough for Don as respect proofs. Leo could enslave and humiliate him in bed; he didn't mind. Never the actor had reached climax so fast and Don took it as it was a success. If it means he could bring sexual pleasure by kneeling on the ground and licking his feet to his beloved, he didn't mind at all. On the opposite, he had found a kind of solace in it. It had been so relaxing and satisfying to just physically please the actor, lead him to orgasm, drink him down, and rest his head on his lap to get petted.

He stroked his cheek. The stinging feeling had faded, but he could feel a numb aching again if he touched it. Never he had seen Leo so angry, out of his mind. He had calmed himself down and settled back to his normal, controlled self by the power display. It seemed like when he had hoped Leo would feel safe and loved, the actor had felt insecure. Leo had misunderstood Don's switch of character. Of course, he did, Don told himself, rubbing his hand in his face. He had done a complete 180 degree; from sexually harassing the actor to act like a eunuch. Leo could have no idea why Don did such a thing because, of course, Don wasn't able to utter the single first word about the murder. Leo never quite explained why suddenly he was willing to have sex, either. Since the beginning of this relationship, the communication between them had been a weak point. Don's mind spent almost all his time in the gutter when he wasn't into an artistic frenzy, so of course, he wouldn't tell the actor about all the lewd things the playwright wanted to do to him. He never asked the actor to open up, neither. He had thought that being mysterious was part of Leo's secretive nature. Since day one, he had seen the handsome waiter like some kind of masterpiece, an Antinous statue. Art pieces don't have feelings even less talk about them, so what Don had expected from Leo? Maybe in his way to treat Leo like some kind of unreachable Princess, Don had missed an opportunity to know the real him. Now that he reflected on it, Leo did change in the last few months. The actor had acted like a scared animal for the whole month of May. Don never questioned him about it, because of course, he knew why. All of a sudden, he had given Leo some space and when the actor had seemed less edgy and trying to get to how it was back, Don had been relieved but had pulled away. Leo had supposed Don had gotten what he really wanted and wasn't interested anymore. But Leo never asked, like the director never explained himself. Of course, from the outside, Leo could have read the situation that way. He made the assumption Don wasn't giving a fuck about him anymore and that he was botching the musical on purpose.

When he was around twelve years old, his mother had made him see a psychotherapist. He was a Freudian disciple and Don didn't quite remember what he said. Even for him, it was quite big words for a child. He remembered not to have understood the reason for him to see this man. At the time, his full weirdo nature hadn't fully bloomed yet. He was moody and socially awkward and that's all. But the man had said Don often lacked empathy because he was overwhelmed by his own strong emotions. Indeed, it was maybe right; Don had never made a big deal from the others and when he thought he took great care for Leo, he may have missed some more important points. Most of the time, Don was too blinded by his own depression he felt from what he called his unrequited love. He had listened to Leo's sweet words many times and decided it was all manipulation or lies. It was hard to know where the truth was standing when you were too much a coward to ask questions. But now Leo wanted them to talk. Leo said he had a confession to make. Was what it? Or was it another way to get a hold on Don? Leo should know it was useless, the playwright was already totally his. 

Even if what Leo wanted to tell him was putting him on pins and needle, what Raph could say worried him much more. There were many topics Don hoped they wouldn't talk about. The murder, first. Then, the money he owned him. Leo would understand that Don's family was part of the mafia and would be afraid, angry or disgusted. 

What they were doing, he wondered, walking to the window, his eyes prying the night to see the familiar figure walking down the street. He barely hesitated and took his coat, before returning by the window. If Leo wasn't there in five minutes, fuck Raph, Don would return to the theater. 

Outside, it started raining and his thought got back one year ago when he was writing DragonFly, for a waiter. He didn't expect to even deserve one day to hold the waiter's hand at the time. But he had and then, had become greedy, wanting more and more again. In the last year, he had sometimes cursed the day in April 1945 when he had entered at Sardi's. Without Leo, his life would be peaceful, but so empty. Feeling unhappy was still something, much better than feeling empty, he told himself. Anyway, any great artist had suffered from unrequited love. It was the cost to pay to be a genius; pain and loneliness made a more powerful writing and music. 

Filling his mind with mental rambling kept him busy and patient a few minutes, but the images of his cousin aiming a gun to Leo's head or thrusting into him on Don's own desk flashed in his mind. He had bee a fool to let those together.

He was about to run to the theater when he suddenly saw the light of a dark car slowing in front of his building apartment. In a hurry, Don snapped an umbrella and rushed outside. Leo could have a great poker face, Raph was easier to read. If he could get a glimpse of Raph's face, he would maybe know what these two discussed. 

He wasn't fast enough, Leo was already in the building, a foot on the staircase's first step, his usually impeccable slick hair wet with rain. The playwright couldn't make his expression out at first.

"Leo…" Don stammered. "Are you alright?"

The dark eyes gazed at him a moment before the actor replied.

"I am." He cast on him a smile, but instead to reassure him, it tightened Don's heart. Something was off, reluctant in Leo's demeanor. "All is fine, Donnie. I'm home."

The words were spoken in a very soft voice and the way Leo said "home" went straight to Don's soul, dimming his anguish. He took the younger man by the shoulder to climb the staircase together. Hos whole boy felt warmer now, at the touch. How empty he could he was without him, he mused. 

Despite his racing heart, Don didn't question him further neither sped up his pace, following Leo's solemn attitude. When they stepped into their apartment, the director closed the door softly. He was used to controlling himself by now. Well, most of the time.

"It's late, but do you want a cup of tea?" he asked lovingly. "We are in Fall, now. The rain is cold."

"I will rather take your old-fashioned. You know the one you add orange syrup in?"Leo said. 

Don nodded. Leo disliked too strong alcohol and Don had tried this addition to sweeten the drink. In addition to an orange peel, he added in the Bourbon one spoon of orange syrup and three spoons of water. The ask for alcohol was odd from Leo and asking for orange syrup in the middle of the night when there was still a shortage of sugar in the city, was singular, but Don walked to the kitchen and pulled out a saucepan. He peeled the orange in silence for a moment.

"So what did you talk about?" he finally asked, his voice clipped in his attempt to sound casual. "I hope he didn't upset you by telling you unnecessary things."

Leo wasn't looking at him and Don felt he needed to explain himself more.

"I don't know what is into Raphael lately. He keeps meddling in my business. He is older and bigger and feels a sudden need to protect me. I don't need that."

Leo avoided a direct answer.

"You are lucky to have a family that cares for you. My mother has a caring cousin as well. Without him, I doubt I would be there." Leo looked at the rain from the little window in the kitchen. "Indeed, New York is so cold in Fall. There something very sad at this season here that Japan didn't have."

"Talk to me more about them," Don suggested. He did really want to know what Raph and Leo talked about, but he knew that talking of his mother was putting Leo in a great disposition. Tonight, he wanted them to open up more. What had occurred between them earlier in his office had been a revelation to Don. But in exchange for his complete submission, he wanted something from the actor as well, like the truth. 

"What do you want to know?" Leo's voice sounded jaded. "I was a mixed-blood bastard...My mother...I think she has me on purpose. I mean...she tried to trick my father to force him into marrying her and bring her to America. But..she did love him." Leo took a pause. "And this love had been her end," he added somberly.

Don was careful to not comment about how bad it was to tricking men with pregnancy. In fact, he didn't talk at all, letting Leo express himself. It was the first time he implied his mother could have loved Leo's father. Whatever Raph told him didn't seem to have made Leo angry at him; he wouldn't confess such a thing if he was.

"She got me and had to hide her shame in the country. She had no money at all. All her earnings had barely paid the debt of her training. So, she had to get lower clients, more demanding. She needed money for me," he exclaimed, in his eagerness to defend his mother. "The cousin was a fisherman. He couldn't supply for her and me. My mother had no choice, but when I got around 4 years old and mingled with the kids of the village, they bullied me. I was the mixed blood, the bastard, the illegitimate son of a prostitute, and a Yankee. I was looked at as either a monster or a curiosity. She started drinking around this time."

Don stayed silent. What he had always wanted to know from Leo, his genuine emotion, and past were finally unveiled. It was obvious Leo was telling the truth and Don was careful to not ruin the mood. He had been thirsty for so long for such confidence. 

"I guess it's the cousin who contacted my father. I think he thought my mother was too concerned by me. He told me to be a mixed-blood child would look less bad in the USA. My mother let me go...but made me promise I will be a star. For me to not know her path. For me to get her out of there. It's very important to me to keep my word. I told you; we have a tradition to take care of our parents you don't have here."

The orange syrup was ready and Don nodded to show he was attentive. He had guessed something around these lines. The little Ren had been raised in a way to be ready for anything if it was to get success. He tried to not show how he disapproved of a part of the education the young man had. Anyway, his own mother was ashamed of him, despite his success, when he guessed Leo's mother would not have been disapproving. He was still a little embarrassed of his own behavior with his mother. He knew Leo was judging him for it, when the actor lived to meet his mother's expectations. 

He prepared Leo's glass in silence and handed it to him silently. He didn't want to ruin everything by talking. It was such a precious moment to see Leo opening up.

"I guess this is why sex is dirty for me," Leo uttered slowly, swirling the drink thoughtfully, before sipping it. "Dirty and meaningless. She was doing it to survive, to feed me, you know." Leo took another pause. It was obvious it was hard for him to talk about this and in the back of his mind, he wondered again what had been Raph and Leo's conversation. "Are you not pouring yourself a drink?" Leo asked, kicking Don out of his wonder.

"Oh yes, of course," Don mumbled absent mindlessly. He didn't feel like drinking at all; neither have a sweet tooth, but if it could put Leo at least why not? Besides, to waste syrup would be a shame. He pulled out another lowball glass from the cabinet and poured himself some Bourbon, a droplet of syrup, and an ice cube.

"I have to tell you something...This is what I wanted to tell you the whole day. In fact, I wanted to talk to you about it weeks ago, but was too proud to bring myself to do it."

Don didn't snap his head to the actor, adding an orange peel calmly to his drink.

"I'm listening," he said quietly, despite the pounding in his chest.

"Do you remember when I told you I disliked sex?"

Don made a brief eyes-contact. Of course, he remembered. He had been so shocked; he had felt like the ceiling dropped on his head.

"I suppose it's after having seen my mother used like she was disposable. I bet it was because I spent my youth, bullied by other kids, and living only on rice, I grew suspicious of what they call love. My mother loved this man, my father." Leo scowled. "He let her in misery. He didn't bring her to America as he had promised. He was a liar and a cheater," the actor spat, his hatred still vivid. "He destroyed her life, bringing us shame on our family. I don't even know why he took me in. I guess his sister told him I was a soul to save." Leo snickered. "I don't believe in any God. I don't believe in anything. I believe in myself. My mother believed in myself too. She told me to trust no one, but to act kindly and evenly to anyone, whatever I could feel for them." The young man locked eyes with Don, serious. "She was right, about people in general. But a few months ago, I understood you were different. But then, you changed your attitude and well, I was confused."

It was the playwright's cue to explain himself.

"To be close to you, to touch you and not going all the way was hard on me. To be sure to not be tempted and harass you will my desire again, I preferred to cut you out entirely," Don exclaimed. "I decided it would be the best way to show you how much I loved you. I did introduce you to women because I wanted you to lead a normal life. You said you were feeling more at ease with older women." Don cast a forced grin. "Preferring women is normal. I wish you a happier existence than mine."

Leo has his Mona Lisa half-smile.

"This could have been true before, but it's not the case anymore. I have a need to keep control...over myself, over the situation. I never got physical pleasure before. I can reach orgasm, but I'm focused on zooming out the whole time. My body reacts from his own. That's all. The rest is unmoved."

Don took it all. He already suspected that much, it was still something discouraging. He waited to see if there was anything more.

"But it was before this day…" Leo had a slight blush. "You made love to me in such a way last time, it awoke something in me. I tried to shut it down, but I longed for your touch. I was unhappy and scared. Scared about this change of my nature, scared about other things as well." He took a pause, before adding quickly like he just has made a decision. "Sometimes, I haven't been honest with you."

Don studied Leo very carefully, waiting with bated breath at what he was about to say. It was the same thing as earlier at the theater when he had stopped. Don refused to get over the moon about the fact Leo had longed for him. He wasn't sure if he should believe it. 

"To be honest, I'm used to men desiring me for a great deal of time...I hate that." At this, Don's eyes went wide for a moment before he twisted his face in a careful neutral mask. "Besides, their love is cheap." Leo continued. "They only wanted sexual gratification. It was the same with my mother's clients. They weren't any different."

Don stayed still. What if Leo told him he never was a virgin when they met, to begin with? That he was used to sucking off his former manager? Or someone from this so mysterious Dojo place? He braced himself for it, even if he knew deep down, that a part of him had always expected such. Anyway, he knew that whatever Leo could say, he would accept it. 

"I told you I disliked sex and it's true. I mean, it was. I was most wary and jaded. But when we did it a few months ago, I felt you were a drowning man and I was your life jacket."

The analogy fitted with the feeling he had at the time, so Don didn't show any surprise, waiting for the rest.

"I stayed nervous quite a while because of...you know." Leo was pale and agitated now. "I still unsure how I feel about this part… There's something in you still frightening me. I wanted to believe it was an accident or not related to you, because... you're peculiar, Donnie, but not a criminal."

Leo meant the Sardi's waiters murder and Don gulped. Leo had talked in the past tense. He had wanted to believe Don had nothing to do with it, but now, Leo knew better. It meant Raph had snitched him. The son of a bitch, the director though, thought balling his fists. 

"It was a misunderstanding," he deadpanned. If Don let himself to be reached by panic only a bit, he was done. But he admitted that calling a death a misunderstanding was cold, even for him. "I have no idea how it could have been downhill at this point," he added. 

Leo didn't comment right away.

"Does it make me an awful person to still want you?" Leo sighed with downcast eyes. "I had my flaws and my share of responsibility too, I guess. I can't judge you."

Don grasped Leo's hand after having taken his empty glass. He didn't intend to give him a refill. He wanted Leo fully aware of what he was saying.

"Don't take my sins on your shoulders. It's my burden," Don said, insisting. "Do you really want me?" Was it making of Don a more monstrous person to be more concerned about that than made amend for the death of a man? The director's eyes flickered to Leo's lips. "It is okay if I kiss you?"

Leo hadn't explicitly explained when he had been dishonest with Don, but the playwright felt overwhelmed by the need to taste the actor's lips. Talking about what had happened was too distressing. He only wanted to remember the part about Leo wanting him. But he wanted to make sure, still dubious, that Leo was genuine.

He leaned slowly over Leo, raising his chin up. The kiss was sweet and a rush of endorphin filled Donnie, but he broke it up before it heated. "It is true?" Don murmured, grazing with his thumb Leo's bottom lip. "I know for quite a while you promise me sex and grant me sexual favors to keep me working for you or give you money. You don't have to do that." Leo's gaze was downcast but his uneasiness was perceptible "You don't have to fool me. I mean, I'm willingly your fool. So, you can tell me right now you are lying and well, I will still love you."

Don tried to catch Leo's shifty gaze and gently he held his face.

"Ren," Don called in a whisper. "Please look at me." Leo looked up and Don found in the black irises a different shine than usual. "Today, you drove me crazy more than usual with all these mixed-signals. Tell me what you want. You know now I only love you. Whatever I do with others…" Don stopped himself, struggling with his wording. "Since this night with the other man you tied up, I thought you didn't mind what I could do with my lower-body. You only wanted my brain. I was bewildered to see you so jealous earlier, but again, I feel you are more possessive about the playwright than the real me."

It was feeling good to speak his mind, to gently put words on his anxieties, and to be listened to.

"I want both," the actor replied, boldly, straightforward. "At first, I didn't mind, if I was there, while you were doing it. It's spared me the trouble of sex and, while indulging you, I needed to make sure you keep your eyes on me, but now, I couldn't stand it. I lack self-control over my feelings and it scares me."

"It is why you needed to show you controlled me?" Don put down his own glass, seeing Leo getting troubled. "I didn't mind it. I enjoyed it, actually. You are not the only one discovering yourself." Leo stared at him, slightly surprised. "You know me well, out of instinct. You probably see me like a white person you need to control to avenge yourself of your past. I'm fine with it. I don't mind, I'm eager to take everything from you, even more, if it makes you feel good." 

Don brushed Leo's hair tenderly, leaning for a second kiss. He felt it in his guts, Leo was sincere. Don was flooded to the rim with passion. He needed to express it. But Leo raised his hand, to push away slightly Don's chest, making him pause his movement.

"You made such sacrifices for me. He said…" Leo stopped, with a sad sneer. "He said I'm toxic for you. He told me about what you were before. He said he wanted you normal, back at what you were before meeting me. He said you had never been cheerful, to begin with, but you were saner."

"Fuck sanity!" The exclamation had been made softly, but with honesty. Don didn't deny he had lost his mind in the process. It was obvious he had even for a blind man. He didn't ask who was he, either. It was pointless, he knew Leo meant Raph. "Sanity is overrated."

Leo had a lock chuckle.

"Maybe you are right."

"Don't listen to Raph." Don pulled down with his thumb on Leo's lip, to open the mouth. He leaned again for a kiss, short and sweet. "He knew not the first thing about love." 

He went for another kiss, a steamier one. They have talked enough. Don was blissful and wanted to prove it physically. 

"Could you please brush your teeth. Your breath reek of tobacco," Leo murmured.

Flustered, Don nodded, self-conscious and ashamed. While he rushed to the bathroom, he wondered if he could quit smoking. It would be damn hard, but for Leo's kisses, he could manage it. 

In the mirror of the bathroom, after having spat the toothpaste, he took details of his own image critically. He smoothed his hair and tried to not look like a lustful beast. It was obvious they would have sex. What had occurred earlier in his office had just flared up his blood, after months of celibacy. He tried to compel himself to be patient to not scare Leo off.

When he came back to the kitchen, Leo had poured him a second drink.

"I did it myself," Leo said, handing him the glass. "I hope it won't be too sweet for you."

Don took the glass and drank it with one gulp. It could have been maple syrup, he wouldn't care, Leo did it for him. He clasped the hand of the young man and looked with expectancy to him.

"If you told all of this to me tonight, can I hope it's because you return at least a part of my feelings?" he asked, his voice raspy with emotion. 

"I needed you to know you had been less a fool than you think. I hope you will grow a better opinion about me, someday…" Leo said, eyes still averted, but Don knew it was shyness and not mind games. 

"So, you like it...with a man?" Don needed to make everything sure. Now he knew Leo has more affection for him than he had thought, but the idea that the stern actor could lust for his dick was still an alien idea to Don. 

"Not with a man," Leo whispered. "With you." He cleared his throat. "I'm feeling safe, I still have control. It seems weird and selfish, but I need that to let myself go."

"It's not weird. It's not selfish. This is what we are."

Don was conscious that what he was saying was making little sense. But he felt like choking how much he was blissful.

"You know I belong to you. I'm proud of it. I was even turned on earlier stroking the cheek you slapped. Am I sick?" Don chuckled awkwardly. "I don't mind. It didn't hurt, I know you didn't do it out of violence and if it could make you feel at ease, I'm happy to serve this purpose." He knew he sounded pathetic, but he also knew there were the words Leo needed to heard to feel safe with him. He had to be submissive and nurturing. He was a freak and a criminal and Leo's interest for him was a blessing. "When I feel owned by you, I finally feel like I have a real intrinsical value, out of my brain. The fact you are wary of anyone else makes me felt special and precious, for once. Please, owe me again!"

"Alright."

Slowly the actor was stripping himself, in the middle of the kitchen and all rational fly through the window for Don. His mouth grew dry with desire, when the young man removed his undershirt.

"It's cold, come warm me up in the bed," Leo murmured in a seductive tone, before turning his back to walk to the bedroom.

It was the moment Don had waited for; the moment when Leo was willingly giving himself, eager enough to make the first move. It wasn't a scheme, by now, Leo knew he didn't have to go that far at having sex with him for Don to do whatever he wanted. It was a mutual feeling and Don was so turned on and moved, he thought he would die from excitement before reaching the room. He still followed Leo, painfully hard, his gaze zeroing on the lower back of the man in front of him. He mentally scolded himself to stay calm and patient. He was too close to real happiness and to start a real relationship to jeopardize everything by moving too fast. Leo had loved the last time but Don doesn't remember most of it. He had been too desperate, thinking it was the last time he could touch the actor but Leo had liked something from this despair and Don tried to turn into the same mood to get to please his beloved again. 

Leo sat on the bed in the bedroom and Don after undressing the calmest he could manage, dropped on his knees, waiting for a signal or an order.

"A few months ago, you made love to me thinking it would be the last time, right?" Leo asked, stretching his leg and Don give it a tentative lick. "Do the same. Imagine I will leave tomorrow and you will never see me again."

The thought was unbearable and after a kiss on the knee, Don glanced up.

"It would break my heart," he stated, before kissing and nibbling his way up. It seemed a sensitive spot on the young actor's body because, with a shiver, Leo hid his eyes behind his forearm and let out a whimper. "I will rather die than accept to be separate from you," he vowed.

"Stop doing that to me," Leo said, in a pleading low voice and Don felt his confidence up. Leo was turned on. A male touch wasn't only bearable to Leo, now. He wanted it, he longed for Don's touch. It was true.

Despite the scenario Leo had proposed him was sad, the words had been enough to make Don enter in the same frenzy to caress the actor's body all over. He couldn't get enough of this silky pale skin, he told himself, rubbing his face in the groin hair, inhaling the scent. But Leo didn't seem in the mood for endless foreplay.

"Now," he begged, while Don was very busy worshiping with his tongue Leo's navel. The playwright wasn't fast enough to the actor's liking, because Leo switched their position, turning Don down on his back. "I want you now, I will ride you."

Keenly, Leo spread his legs either side of the director’s hips. Mesmerized, Don watched as Leo carefully breached himself. This position was very new to him, but it was like he didn't' have enough sensory nerve to appreciate it fully. Biting his lips, Leo shifted his weight, snapping his hips in sync with Don’s thrusts up to meet him and though it wasn’t rushed, the pressure seemed to grow rapidly, building inside him.The playwright took the actor shaft in his hand, to jerk him off but it was like Don couldn't even focus on this simple task. When Leo started a pace, Don felt he was about to burst already. Leo's hands were all over him, stroking his chest and for someone not used to being touched, it was overwhelming, a double-fronted assault that his brain almost couldn't handle.

"Slow down," the director begged. "I want to enjoy it longer."

But the actor wasn't listening, carried away by lust, and bounced his hips up and down like no tomorrow. Leo's face was flushed, his features twisted with pleasure. Don was feeling entirely owned, used like a sex toy, incapable of thinking anything in his dazed, imploding mind that Leo was enjoying riding his cock and now he could die happy. Don was about to tip over the edge, but just as his orgasm started to break upon him, Leo's hands wrapped around his neck, squeezing his throat. An intense warm filled Don's limb, making him aware of his whole body's nerves. He could feel the heat in his limbs, and even his groin. His lung burned from the lack of air, but he barely fought it, letting himself be invaded by the death's breath upon him. Leo did some pelvis motion, and Don came so hard that he thought he would give himself an aneurysm.

At some point, Leo had loosened his hold, surfing on his own orgasm, but the director's mind was too foggy to care. He tried to talk, but his throat was too sore and his mouth felt like it was filled with cotton. He let the actor cuddle on him, his brain to wash out by the climax to record the words Leo murmured to him. He closed his eyes with a smile on his lips. 

When he woke up, he felt like he had a hangover. He stirred in his bed, surprised by his throat's soreness and lazily opening his eyes, to glance at the clock. It was past noon and surprised to have overslept, he sat upright in his bed. He took him one moment to collect his thoughts. When the memory dawned on him, he looked around, searching for the actor.

"Leo?" he called, hoarsely. To swallow his own spit was painful and he slowly stood up to drink some water and look for his lover. His lover, he repeated, feeling like it was a dream. In the kitchen, he drank some water cautiously before deciding to get some pill for his headache. Why did he have such a headache, he wondered. He didn't drink that much. But now, he remembered vividly why his throat burned. The actor had strangled him, making him saw stars and reach a peak in pleasure; he wasn't even aware that could exist. Where did Leo learn such a kinky trick? From his mother?

Leo was nowhere to be seen, but Don wasn't worried. He knew the young man loved to walk in the morning for about fifteen minutes before buying croissants and the newspapers. He prepared some coffee, still trying to wrap his mind around what had happened. As usual, Leo had led the conversation where he wanted it to be dodging the topic of what he discussed with Raph for about two hours and in what he had been dishonest with him. For this part, Don didn't even mind. The past was the past and he was ready to forgive anything to the young actor.

Don was daydreaming for about twenty minutes, coffee in his hand, when worry started to creep into him. Their lovemaking had been wild,it must have taken a troll on Leo's body. His hips must be too sore, for wandering unnecessarily. Besides, he realized after a look at the window; it was still raining. To feel less impatient, Don decided to take a shower. To not wash after sex was rare and despite the stickiness of his body had his beloved for cause, he needed to get rid of the dried cum and the sweat. While cautiously watching himself, his mind recalled erotics images of the night before. He couldn't believe it was it and Leo was entirely his, now. He couldn't wait for the actor to be back to be sure of it again. He wanted to stare into his lover's bedroom, hooded eyes and get assured it wasn't a dream. He had been too hurt before; he needed a confirmation again. 

But after his long shower and when he got half-dressed, he was surprised in a bay way to see Leo still missing. It took him another five minutes to find on the coffee table next to the ashtray the note Leo left him. At the first sentence, his breath caught in his throat and he felt his knee buckle.

_"Don. I think as your cousin, you're better without me. Thanks for last night. I will cherish the memory from it. I don't have much time...and telling you how I feel right now is pointless to both of us. For our future, we should stay apart. You won't see me anymore. I'm going to Hollywood to live the American dream. Your cousin left you something in your office, at the theater, Please, accept it and move on.-Ren."_

_ _

He stayed still, staring at the window for a moment in disbelief, crumbling the note in his fist. At every moment now, Leo will come back and tell him it was a joke, right? Then, the minutes passed by, and the shock crushed him so hard that Don didn't even realize before a moment he was curled up on the floor. Then, when the words sank into his mind, he sprang up and rushed out of his apartment. What was that, he kept telling himself, hurryingly putting on a shirt, almost killing himself in his hurry to run down the staircase. He jumped in his car, putting his keys in the engines. Hollywood? Staying apart? After the sweet moment they had shared? It wasn't making any sense! Leo wasn't lying the day before, Don was sure of it. 

Don drove like a daredevil to the theater despite the heavy rain, his heart racing so much in his chest he thought he would die from a stroke. It couldn't be, he kept repeating in his mind. Leo could not ditch him after the love confession of yesterday? Why having told him these words if the actor planned to leave him!? It wasn't making any sense! At doubt crept into him, remembering the very sweet drink Leo handed him. What if there were some drugs in it, to make sure Don would sleep like a lug when Leo was leaving with Raph. 

They had planed it; they had left New York together like a couple. Raph had probably parked his car in front of a coffee shop near Don's apartment, waiting for Leo's return. How Don had been played, hit him full face and he would have actually preferred to be rammed into by a car. 

He parked all wrong in front of the theater and rushed inside, running to his office. He saw it right away, the suitcase on his desk, probably containing banknotes, but he ignored it, snatching the paper sheet on it.

_"Don, you can be mad at me, but I'm bringing your Princess to Hollywood. Success is what he always wanted and he would more likely achieve it in Hollywood with me than with you, despite your talent. Without him, you will be able to pull yourself together. There are plenty other asses to fuck, as cute but less damaging for your head and heart. Don't go after him. I decided to make a movie from DragonFly. He negotiated hard for you and so, although you owe me money, I buy you Dragonfly copyright with your debt-all your debt-and $10,000 that you can find in this suitcase. Let it go, Don, and find someone else. Princess Aisu would be fine, I promise. Raph."_

Don dropped the note on the ground, disbelieving what he had just read. How could Raph backstab him like that? His cousin knew how Don deeply loved Leo. And what about the actor? Suddenly, his mind recalled Leo telling him to make him love like it was the last time. Leo knew he was about to leave and wanted to give Don a pity fuck before walking his way to Hollywood? Don couldn't believe it. Not after how sweet Leo had been. From what he had seen, the actor didn't make any suitcase. So, if he wanted to run away with Raph, Leo could have done it without giving Don this final strike. 

The director ambled to his lead actor's dressing room, his gaze lost in the distance, not acknowledging who could cross his path. In the dressing room, Leo's purple yukata was still on the chair. He crawled to it, grasped it and rubbed the fabric on his face. He had lost, he thought, he had failed to Raph much more powerful, influential and wealthy than him. He clenched the yukata with his balled fist. Raph didn't have a single talented bone in his body! He had used DragonFly, Don's lovechild for Leo, to make his lover shine. Then, Raph would reward himself for his trouble by sleeping with his lead actor. It had been evident from day one that Raphael had been attracted by Leo. Now Raph would make money with Don's labor, the gift the playwright had offered to his beloved, and fuck his lover. His cousin knew how much Don had overworked himself to write DragonFly, and he was perfectly aware of how deeply Don cherished Leo.

It was such a sickening robbery and treason that Don was dizzy of his thirst for vengeance. 

On the vanity, a green bottle of Silvestre Victor, Leo's cologne, was there and Don smashed in on the floor in a fit of rage, before turning his wrath toward something else. All the items in this room were reminding him of his love for the actor. All this furniture told him that he was alone. It lasted only a moment, before despair took place and suddenly, he knew what he should do. 

In his dressing room, Leo had a record player. It was another whim of the actor Don had indulged him with. He pulled from his sleeve Billie Holiday record, and for a moment wondered if he would just snap it in two. But unable to break something else his beloved appreciated, he put it on the record play, letting the gloomy melody fill the room. Then, his attention returned to the yukata. Many sturdy pipes ran across the ceiling. They would serve his purpose. Don snatched the yukata's belt, throwing an end of it over one pipe. His sarcastic mind wondered if his suicide would be blamed on the song's curse. He stood on a chair and tied the noose to hang himself. It was so perfect, a great final act than dying in Leo's dressing room, his last breath inhaling Leo's perfume, while listening to that sad song he enjoyed so much. There was no need for any suicide note, who would read it, anyway? A part of his mind knew Raph did it for Don's sake, like a parent hiding matchsticks from a child. In a way, Leo did too. Raph must have told him Don owed him money and had even turned to crime because of him. In addition to the prospect of Hollywood and the fact Don had failed to produce another hit, this had been enough to convince the ambitious actor that Raph was the best choice. There was no way Don could compete with Hollywood. He didn't have the first penny to run a studio. Whatever he did, Raph would be a better prospect for Leo. 

And they dared to make it look like it was out of consideration for him, he told himself, grinding his teeth. The only proper thing Don could do now was to just kill himself for them to not have to feel concerned about him anymore. They could have a lovely lover duet forever without Gloomy Donny. He glanced at his own reflection in the mirror. Too bad he didn't put his best clothes. A three-piece suit would have been better.

Before passing his head into the noose, Don's last mental picture was Leo riding him. Did he think he could die without regret at the moment? He should not have any of them then, and with a sharp move, he kicked the chair away. 

In the background, the record skipped, the last groove repeated over and over as Donnie's body trembled in its will to live despite the soul determined to die. He was only half-conscious, from the lack of air, when the yukata belt snapped. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, Leo left for Hollywood! Art bu @Oas1s


	22. Chapter 22

From his bed, Don stared at the window. He could only see a chalky gray sky. No a building or a tree branch. How ironic the place was called Bellevue. 

It was the same view he had for three weeks straight and the pain in him howled like the first day. And again, he had to hide his feelings, making his broken heart throbbing even more painfully. He closed his eyes, to shut himself out of this dull, blank hospital room and the pale day outside. He blocked also the sound. Somewhere, down the hall, a patient was screaming to get untied. How much he hated this place couldn't be explained with words.

He had failed his own suicide. If he hadn't been so out of his mind, he would have realized the yukata belt wasn't sturdy enough for his weight. The belt had snapped and he had hit his head. Don had stayed unconscious long enough for being discovered on the floor of Leo's dressing room. The janitor had called Wilson, then the cops and an ambulance. Don had blurry memory of what had happened after he gained consciousness in the ambulance. He remembered he had been distressed when he realized that he was still alive and Leo gone and that he had even managed to get his situation worse. He had begged to get killed, not saved at the hospital, making it clear it wasn't a crime, but a suicide attempt. 

The playwright had been brought at the nutcase yard, with his sobbing mother's blessing. This was something she had always been hesitant of. His son was a genius, an eccentric, she ever claimed. But when she had been called to be told Don attempted at his life, she had almost begged for him to get locked down. Don wondered if she had called Raph before. Probably not, since his cousin was still in the plane or, if it had landed, not at his office yet. Wilson had called her and she had thrown herself in a cab to get at the hospital when she had learned his son was "depressive."

He didn't get to see what had been told, but he could guess easily. Wiping her leaking mascara with a handkerchief, she had admitted his son has a mental health history. He was taking pills for his neurasthenia but had refused to get counseling since he was an adult. The Doctor had nodded, sympathized with her, and had perhaps asked what could have happened to make this successful Broadway creator snaps. The director supposed she had denied something could happen. She had blamed the stress, the exhaustion, Don's too high standards and that's it.

She didn't tell, but she knew the reason Don had wanted to die. There was no way she ignores it. He had wanted to die for a man he loved, and it was an unforgivable thing for his mother. Since Leo had arrived in his life, the invisible threat of the fruitcake factory was more present. 

She won't hide to her friends and relation that Don was in a mental institution. On the opposite, she would ramble about all artists and writers who were troubled beings, and the more an artist was talented, the more he had to deal with mental issues that she would call depression uniformly. She would probably even say that Don needed it to get inspired to write a new masterpiece and all her friends would nod approvingly. They would picture a moody little genius, writing poesy in the psychiatric yard garden. Not the man soaking his pillow with tears for his runaway male lover like he really was.

In fact, even if he did write, his days were part of psychotherapy and electroconvulsive shock therapy to cure him of his homosexuality. That was the root of all his problems, his mother had confessed to the Doctor. She said that without getting in any detail, Don supposed. She was so ashamed about it, she probably used a lot of circumlocution and beaten around the bush until the Doctor got a clue.

Since then, while he was restrained to a cot, they were showing him photographs. When it was a girl on it, nothing happened, but he got an electric shock for the naked or cross-dressed men pictures—every single day.

Being treated like a Pavlov dog was maddening -and unnerving. The first time he got dragged there, he had thrashed in the cot. But now, he knew better and stayed the more passive he could. In a way, he was almost disappointed that the electroconvulsive therapy wasn't working. If Don could remove the part of him making him gay, he would do it eagerly. It was too much a bother to lust for men. But in his bed, he still jerked himself raw when he was alone, fantasizing about Leo, biting his bedsheet with longing and despair, thinking back at their last hot night. They weren't curing him at all, but he has to pretend to if he didn't want to die at Bellevue.

The psychotherapy wasn't painful and well, could have helped if the therapist wasn't a bigot convinced homosexuality was an illness and a sin. The first days, he had been too upset to even speak. He wasn't any better but knew he had no choice but to give something looking like answers to the therapist. 

Don couldn't even talk about his real concerns and feelings: the heartbreak, the betrayal, the jealousy, and the anger. Because all of them have a man for cause and so, he tried to do as his mother and blame the failure of his last play. He also could blame his cousin for having stolen his play. It was a rational reason to be angry and it was true. The therapist nodded, but it was obviously nota reason for him to go as deep as suicide. Of course, it had been only that, Don would have taken a plane and punch Raph straight in the jaw, before negotiating to realize the movie and get more money. 

Psychotherapy was thrice a week and lasted 45 minutes. Every single time the conversation breached the sexuality topic, Don dodged it by telling he was more career-oriented than a carnal man. How he could lie so shamelessly with a straight face should worth him an Oscar. He wasn't sure the man was fooled. The therapist was nodding and scrambling notes. How could he write that much when Don was repeating the same thing over and over? 

Every Friday, he had an appointment with the Doctor responsible for the patient's leaves. Don knew that in this single meeting, the Doctor wasn't taking his decision arbitrary. He had to talk to the nurses and the therapist and Don's mother too. The first week, Don had wavered between sobbing and yelling in anger to get out of there. The pain and the furor, to have his lover and work stolen, was too vivid. He felt like he could rip off the walls with his nails by how incensed he was. But he had quickly understood that to get vengeance and back what was his, he needed to get free and by acting like a madman, he wouldn't gain freedom; only more pills choked down his throat. 

The second week, he had asked for paper and pen and got granted them after to be sure Don won't try to stab himself with. But for what he had in mind, it wasn't enough. After the playwright had asked, they had allowed his mother to bring him back his typewriter. For that, he had to accept to see her. He had refused any visit of her for a week, taking his internment like a betrayal. He was sure she was agreeing with Raph and was sincerely pleased with what his nephew did. How ironic and infuriating it was that Raph could fuck Leo with his mother's blessing because he would do it without loving him. But his need for the typewriter was too pressing. He accepted the visit, replied coldly to some meaningless questions, and turned his back to write. It was so irritating to be a 27 years old grown-up man and still having his mother taking the decision for him. His mother had left silently.

He needed to keep himself busy and if he was to stay there, he should at least try to get something useful from it. Anyway, he knew that if he wanted Leo back, he needed to have something in hand, that the actor could be interested in. So, at the second meeting, Don had been able to speak about the future, a crucial aspect from a man who tried to end himself. But of course, they didn't release him so soon. Anyway, his work wasn't done and he was very determined to have his vengeance instrument ready for when he would leave—vengeance against Raph; vengeance against Leo. 

About the mixed-blood actor, vengeance was perhaps an exaggerated term. He wasn't sure what he really wanted to achieve with Leo. His opinion about his former-lover oscillated between he got blackmailed and manipulated by Raph or that Leo did it out of ambition. He was either a victim or a cold-blooded monster. But Don was too weak to accept the second option fully.

His mind kept replaying their last moments, trying to remember any words or expressions, hoping to find an explanation that would allow Don to forgive him. 

Leo had no reason to come back. After such a long meeting with Raphael, the young man seemed to have something dark on his mind when he did. He wasn't happy to do what he has to do but still, had been prepared to drug Don. Was it his idea or Raph's? Again, Leo had no reason to come back, but he had done anyway. It would have been less troublesome to just go straight to a hotel, next to the airport and wait for their flight. The actor had wanted to tell him goodbye and he could have told the truth bluntly. But he had preferred to lure Don with sweet lies as he usually did. Were they just lies? Did Leo do this because he wanted to? Craved the sex with him? Did he think it was the only thing Don desired and now would be happy to live with the memory? He would have rather preferred Leo didn't release his hold when he had choked him. He would rather have died from his lover's hand, in the middle of a mindblowing orgasm than going into the shame of this sloppy suicide attempt. But Leo didn't, he strangled Don only to ignite a bigger sparkle of pleasure. Now, Donnie wouldn't be able to get a satisfying orgasm without being choked. Leo had opened a door to the playwright and then, had left. Under the pretext he was longing for Don's touch, the actor had managed to be sure to never been forgotten by getting so incredibly erotic. But why?  
  
Don had been too long thinking Leo was only cold ambition to believe in this last-minute 180 of Leo' nature. The truth was probably standing between those extreme. Leo appreciated him and knew Don would be devasted by their break-up. He had wanted to give him a wild night as a leaving gift and also, he had tried to explain himself for at least Don doesn't feel like a total fool.

Don was sure that part of what Leo told him was the truth, the one about his childhood. But he wasn't sure if the part about Leo finding out his bisexually was true. The former director preferred to not let his mind linger on it because thinking about that wasn't smoothing Don's anxiety a bit. He could be outraged and upset about how Leo abandoned him, he couldn't stand the idea the young man would be surrounded by handsome gay people in Hollywood.

Don had too much fucked up his own life for Leo to be another man's gay lover.

When he had been calm enough to think about something else than Leo, Don had called Wilson to ask about the theater. He could be a lunatic, he was professional and he was allowed to call twice a day. What Wilson told him had to be expected. Don's musical was still playing at the Majestic, with the understudy to replace Leo and someone else to replace Don himself as the director. He had lost his job and well, it was definitively a blow to his Broadway career. 

"I told you, did I?" Wilson said before hanging up. "I told you this man would be the end of you. You were so talented, so promising. He turned your life upside down and broke your heart!"

Yes, Wilson did warn him, and if Don had to be honest, he always knew the producer was right. But even if Don had braced himself for this ultimate strike at his heart, he had not been ready; it still hurt. 

But thinking about Leo was half upsetting him, half motivating him to work. He couldn't think of Raph. If Don did, he would get all rampage again. If he showed how furious he truly felt, he would be labeled as too crazy and dangerous to get out of the asylum. Even if it was painful, thinking about Leo was safer; anyway, it wasn't like he could help it. He had been too focused on Leo in the last 18 months, living next to him, lusting for him, loving him, to think of something else. At least, even if Leo wasn't in love with him before, Don could watch him, and drink the beauty, grace, and cold sensuality pouring from him. Now, Leo was cut out entirely, out of reach, and to be powerless when his lover was away and probably already aimed at by undeserving people was driving Don crazy. At least, he had found out that the unbearable feeling of abandonment and heartbreak was excellent writing material. His next work would be a shameless self-insert, but Don felt how powerful such a personal creation would be.

He needed to focus on his muse and get this scenario done; because this time, Don wasn't writing a play, but a movie.

He had finished his first draft this morning and even with a critical eye, he could say it was beyond excellent. Of course, it was. Don had put all his genius in it, but also, his love, his hatred, his hope, his pain. It wasn't half-assed feelings like when he was lusting after a waiter. This scenario was a claim, a war declaration, and more importantly, very likely to get an Oscar nomination. Everything for Leo to understand his mistake. 

He released a puff before crushing his cigarettes in the ashtray. Thank god, he was allowed to smoke. It was helping him to stay quiet as he needed to act lowkey. Writing, smoking and taking pills was a big part of his routine. If he wasn't electroshocked and knowing the man he had loved so much was maybe moaning in his cousin's bed, Don wouldn't have felt too much of a difference. Well, the food was awful, but the only time in his life he had been interested in eating was when he was stalking Leo at Sardi's. 

His third appointment with the Doctor was in a few minutes. He had to convince him he was fine, and would never attempt to his life anymore to get released. Every day he was locked there was a day Leo could get used to his new life without Donnie and Raph could crawl his way to Leo's bed or worse, his heart. He needed to get out of there before it was too late and Leo fell in love with someone else and that DragonFly shooting was done. Now that the new scenario was done, to stay there was a waste of time. Every day here was making the gap between Leo and him wider. Just the thought of it was unbearable. He wasn't sure if he loved Leo enough to forgive him, damn Don wasn't even sure what he would do when he would face the young man. He just ached to see him. The fact he couldn't talk with anyone about his true feelings wasn't helping him to see clearly. Because he was there to cure his homosexuality supposedly, to begin with.

A knock at the door kicked him out of his train of thought and clenching the scenario against his chest, he sat on the wheeling chair. He was getting paranoid now; refusing to let his work unwatched. He knew it was irrational, but he couldn't help it. 

"Are you ready for your appointment, Mr. Perkins," the nurse said despite obvious he was. She was so blatantly flirting with him and Don had understood that at least to react a little to it would make him look more normal. She was a busty blond, the type a girl normal men were supposed to get hard for. 

"I am," he said, plastering a grin on his face and smoothing his hair. 

She smiled back and chatted with him on his way to the Doctor's office. He replied on time, nodding, trying to look attentive, but Don had a bad feeling when she left him in the Doctor's office. The Doctor in charge of his therapy was there too and he figured to fool both of them would be harder than if they would have been one. Both of them were prying on him from the other side of the oak desk, with fake welcoming smiles.

They offered him a real seat and Don sat as it was any office, glancing around as he wasn't stressed. There was too much green color in this office room, he mentally observed, trying to cling to any casual thing to seem at ease.

The Doctor stretched his hand, handing a cigarette pack.

"Do you want one?"

Don accepted it politely with a smile. He would quit smoking when he would be out of there. It was far too hard to cope right now for him trying to.

"How are you, Mr.Perkins?"

Don tried to convince himself it was the same as when he had tried to sell DragonFly and Leo to Wilson. What he needed to sell now was sanity. He still remembered the words he spoke, in the heat of the passion to his lover; sanity was overrated. It was so accurate that Don had included the sentence in the scenario.

Don lighted up his cigarette and he took a very long drag on and released the puff with ease and a satisfied huff.

"I'm fine. I slept very well this week."

He told himself he would be able to do it. He was so used to hold back his true nature to Leo and everyone else. It was only another time.

"What do you have there, Mr. Perkins?" the Doctor asked. He pointed out the scenario Don was holding on like a lifeline.

"It's a screenplay. I just finished it this morning."

They asked a few questions about it and Don replied with no reservation but without giving too many details, neither. Don thought that it was going smoothly and that tomorrow he would be in a plane, when the Doctor pulled out from an envelop a photo that he slid on the desk toward Donnie.

"How do you feel about this young man?" he asked in a soft, but inquisitive voice.

Don's eyes landed on the pic and his gaze lingered on it the time of a heartbeat before flickering up. He hadn't expected this.

"Who's gave you this picture?" he said, his voice calm. They couldn't see his nails digging in the flesh of his knees. He hadn't prepared to see Leo's image after weeks to have him only in his mind. He hoped his trouble wasn't too apparent. 

"It was in your office." Both of them were scrutinizing him. "The only one."

"So what?" Don tried to be the more dispassionate he could manage. "He was the lead actor in my two last musicals. I launched his career. He is my protege." He stared at them, continuing to smoke as his heart wasn't racing in his chest.

"Are you not harboring feelings for this man?"

What was with this question? Denying it would look very suspicious. He guessed that if they have the picture, it was his mother who gave it to them. She had probably emptied his office of his personal belonging. But admitting his feelings for Leo to them was out of the question. It would be a ticket for lobotomy. He wondered how much his mother told.

"If you mean romantic feelings, no." Don crossed his legs, trying to look relaxed. "Neither any sexual desires, before you ask. What I have for him is something that only an artist could understand. He is a source of inspiration, a muse for when I write a male character."

Please, buy it, Don though, but suddenly, he got an idea to convince them better he wasn't in love with the man on the picture.

"But for this, I didn't use him." He waved his screenplay. "Since my last musical wasn't as good as I wanted it to be, I figured I should change. He wasn't my muse for it. In fact, for this movie, he couldn't even make it to the cast," he exclaimed.

It was the truth. Leo couldn't be the lead actor in this movie. The reason was that the character he wrote, thinking of Leo, would have to be played by a woman to get featured on a screen. But he should not have said that, because the therapist leaned over the table at the last sentence. 

"I heard about your last two musicals. The first got huge success because of how scandalous it was." Don stayed neutral. In fact, he was too busy trying to figure out the shortest and best way to get dismissed and get his leave. "The second got excellent critics, by staying in line with the good taste. You should feel proud of it. You can reach success without trying shamelessly to attract the mob by some offensive content."   
There was no real question and so Don stayed silent. But it means the therapist never believed Don could have attempted at his life for the play.

"Why this sudden switch? It sounds like vengeance to me."

Don hadn't expected such a straightforward comment. Indeed, it was vengeance. If Raph refused him to be in charge of DragonFly and Leo preferred to stay by his cousin's side, Don would propose his screenplay at another studio and he would make damn sure his movie Goldust crush any Oscar hope for DragonFly. It was weird to want the failure of his own creation, but by stealing DragonFly and his actor, Raph had turned the love offering that was DragonFly into a rotten leftover.

"It's an artistic choice, nothing more." Don nervously took a quick drag while adjusting his eyeglasses, trying to regain his composure. He had to sound not too defensive. "Us, artists…"

"You are not the first neither the only artist we had at Bellevue," the Doctor in charge replied. It was a polite way to tell Don to not take them for a fool. But it was too late to change his version and so, Don stayed grounded on what he had already said.

"I don't pretend to be unique." He puffed a small circle of smoke. "I'm just saying I can't explain why. I got struck by an idea, and that's all. I wanted something more psychological. I guess my time here inspires me," he deadpanned.

Both men crossed their hands and Don braced himself for what was coming, putting all his intellectual resources into defending himself without it looking like that. He could write a scene of a criminal being questioned by the police, now. It must be the same feeling that he was currently experiencing.

"What is his name?" the Doctor asked, giving him a kind smile. He tapped on Leo's picture with his finger and Don mentally cringed at what he looked like a profanation. "This young man," he insisted. "What he is by the way? I mean, he is a mixed-blood. It is what makes outstanding enough to be a muse?"

Don gulped, all his body shaking internally. To said aloud a name that he screamed mentally for almost a month was unnerving. He couldn't fail this. If he did, it would mean even more electroshock therapy.

"Leonard…" he finally managed to reply. "He is half-Japanese...this is why I got inspired so much. After the war, I wanted to write a peace allegory."

The Doctor nodded and Don hoped it was a good enough reason.

"When you got brought here, you kept calling a "Leo," he added, very serious. The smile had been only a lure to encourage Don to answer.

Don paled. Was it true? It could have been as it could be a trap. Whatever the answer was, it was bad. 

"What can I say? I hit my head. I had probably a concussion." Don crushed his cigarette in the ashtray, forcing himself to lock eyes with the Doctor. "I have no memory of it."

"So you said this man is meaningless to you? You have no need for him in the movie you want to do when you return outside?" the Doctor asked again.

The playwright nodded. Did he manage to convince them?

"Tear it, then." The demand came flat, but Don's whole body turned painfully stiff. "Tear this picture," the doctor ordered again and Don understood there was no way out.

"Alright," Donnie agreed, forcing a half-smile that he hoped seemed detached. Without glancing at it, his hand reached the glazy paper and he ripped it. "Satisfied?" he asked, with a strained grin. 

A silence stretched that he waited would stop tensely.

"Mr. Perkins, I think to release you would be slightly precipitate." Don turned ashen. He held himself to the desk to try to restrain the urge he had to flip it back. He did tear the picture! He did collaborate! He did do his best to look like he wasn't crazy with despair and longing and thirst for vengeance."But I have hope that with more therapies, we will cure you," he stated with a dismissive smile. "You are a successful and promising young man. I'm confident we can help you."

What they both say was nothing more than a background mosquito buzzing. He wasn't any successful! He wanted to yell in rage and despair. He had failed to make another hit, he had failed to be loved by Leo, he had failed his suicide and now, he had failed to convince them he was fine despite years of habit. In a flash, he wondered if it was because all those years, he didn't fool anyone about himself. 

The nurse rolled him back to his room and he didn't listen to her comforting babbling. He was locked for _at least_ another week when Leo could walk next to Raph on the beach. Every passing day, DragonFly shooting could start and Raph and Leo could grow closer. Don knew both of them weren't getting along, but Leo was determined to be a star and Raph was determined to keep Leo away from Donnie. If Raph didn't want Leo for himself, he could introduce him to someone else. Hollywood was filled with successful gay people, even more influential and wealthy than Raph. Then, Leo would be lost forever.

In the privacy of his room, Don allowed himself to have his breakdown. He thought back of the ripped picture. He had been that far in the denial and the lie for nothing. He wasn't dangerous, neither mentally ill to begin with. He was just gay and heartbroken. He clenched his pillow, muffling his cries. He had to find a way out of there before he turns mad for good.


	23. Chapter 23

Most of his day was now practicing his acting skills in front of the Plexiglas covered mirror he has in his bathroom. He had watched Leo practice and himself, as director, was used to correcting the actor’s stance and voice. To play an act should not be too hard and he watched himself, smoking as he denied loving men with a quiet but firm voice. It was damn tempting to turn sarcastic, but Don knew that it hadn’t ended well for him so far. Hence why he was there for five weeks already, getting denied his leave because he wasn’t “fully healed yet,” despite the electroshock therapy. 

Don could have been naive in his love for Leo, he wasn’t about anything else. He knew very well that there was no way he could get rid of his attraction for men and even less of his burning passion for Leo. But to get his freedom, he had to give off the vibes of an average, heterosexual man who wasn’t at all feeling his chest throbbing at every breath like Donnie really does. 

And of course, at each damn therapy, they were trying to trick him. 

Three days ago, one of the doctors had told him there was a phone call for him from a “Leo.” Although his heart missed a bit, Don had barely glanced up from his screenplay. “I have no business with him, anymore.” It had been his reply, but the fact was he was sure it was a trap. There was no way Leo cares about him, now that the actor's dream was about to turn true and so, he could refuse to take the call without too much regret. They were baiting him with this phone call to point out afterward Don still has the hots for the actor. Well, he wasn’t that dumb to fall in such an obvious trap. 

But in his room’s privacy, he had cried his soul out again at night, crushed by the doubt that maybe it had been Leo.

He masturbated every night, but in the bathroom now. Who knows if his bedsheets were checked? But now, he couldn’t reach pleasure without squeezing his own throat as Leo did. The actor’s image flashed in his mind as his lungs burned from the lack of air and that he blows his load in the toilet. The afterglow was very short and the loneliness was making him curl in the corner of the narrow bathroom, choking in tear and sobbing the beloved name. 

Now, it was Friday again. This week, he had to get out, because he was getting mad for good.

"Mr. Perkins, where are you?"

"Just a moment, Carol."

Don smoothed his slick hair and adjusted his eyeglasses. It was hard to be good looking in a hospital gown, but it seemed sufficient for the nurse. Since she knew he was a successful playwright and had written a movie scenario, her flirting had worsened. She was getting twenty-six and was probably feeling pressure to get married by her family. A rich or promising patient not too bad-looking was a nice catch. But her seduction attempts were fine to him. Carol was his key to get out of there. 

He left the bathroom, a fake smile on his lips. 

"I’m here!"He put a hand on his chest. “Oh, are you coming from the hairdresser? You are looking fabulous today.”

She grinned, probably feeling her dream to get a wedding ring from him closer. Don wasn’t even feeling to mislead her; it was about survival. If she could feel confident enough to gossip about their supposed romance, it would be even better.

Like every Friday, she rolled him to his appointment.

“I do hope they would allow me to leave for me to be able to invite you to dinner, as a thank you for the great cares you gave me, here,” Donnie exclaimed, in a light-hearted tone, very glad that from behind she didn’t have a view on his face.

She giggled and did her usual small talk that he didn’t listen until he reached the door. And at the moment, they pushed it open, Don knew they were about to pull a dirty trick on him again.

In the office, a projector had been installed.

The playwright kept a blank expression, sit on the chair, and graciously accepted the cigarette handed to him. Under this pleasant and docile facade, he braced himself for the worse.

They asked the same routine questions about any progress and his state of mind. Don served them the same lies. Then, he saw it in the doctor’s face: they were about to deliver him a critical hit.

“I think you had talked to us about your cousin. He is a Hollywood producer, right?”

Don nodded stiffly. He couldn’t help himself, the urge to destroy Raphael took him each time he thought about him. He wasn’t as good at hiding it. Hate was a too recent feeling he had learned, it wasn’t like holding back any desire with Leo. 

“He sent to your mother a film stock of the screen test,” the doctor said. It was already on the projector. Do you want to watch it?”

Donnie’s heart raced in his chest. It was another trap, probably, but his soul howled in pain. 

“Why not?” he managed to say coldly. He crossed his legs, releasing a puff. “Let's see what this pig, supposed to be my relative, made of my marvelous play.”

Both doctor and therapist looked at each other and Don supposed he had lost some points. But maybe if he was looking stoic enough, it would be fine. 

The first screen test was one of a blond actor that Don recalled having seen in a movie before, but never as the lead role. He looked with a critical eye to his screentest. What was his name, again? Michael something. He wanted to play the American officer and Don decided the man wasn’t bad at acting but looked slightly too young for the role. He commented aloud to show he was watching the screen test with a professional eye as the scenarist of this movie. He didn’t voice his full thought, but he couldn’t help but think Leo would be pissed if this man was chosen. He was the typical flashy blond that would steal the show. Don knew Raph enough to be positive this Micheal had been picked. His cousin had a thing for anything bright. He watched the other screen tests dispassionately, making a few relevant comments. There were a dozen actors wanting to get Leo’s role and Don sneered: They were all plain, drab white people, and with any of them the movie will turn dull and meaningless. He had almost forgotten why he was there, too busy to tear apart his cousin's movie casting.

But then, there was a clap and Leo appeared on the screen, slowly unbuttoning his suit and Don hoped the shock wasn’t apparent on his face. It was weird to see the man he fantasized and longed so much about in flesh, or well, almost. It was even more supernatural to see him so close on a widescreen, undressing with agonizing slow gestures until he was bare-chested. The screentest could be in black and white, Don had his mouth slightly open, reminding vividly how blush pink the actor’s nipples were and the darker hue they turned when they were sucking on. Did the other actors undress and rehearsed the same scene? It was a few minutes ago, but it was like it wasn’t the same scene at all. Leo’s presence was so erotic, he could smell the faint bitter sex aroma throught the screen. It was an invitation to jerk off. Don couldn’t peel his eyes off even if he wanted to. 

On the screentest, Leo was transforming himself in Geisha and addressing another actor in this scene that the playwright yes weren’t even seeing. His gaze was on his muse solely, like mesmerized. Don dug his nails in his tight, trying to remember to keep a neutral face or what could look like professional interest. The actor was playing with a natural that seemed even enhanced by the screen as his mysterious aura was with the black and white colors. As he hated to admit that to himself, Raph had been right and Leo was even more standing out on a screen. Did Leo know Donnie would see his screentest? Did Leo remember that the words he was speaking had been written out of a passion for him? The kimono was still untied while Leo was telling his text. His hand was running down his chest, stroking it, beckoning Donnie to come closer and lick his silky skin. The playwright couldn’t take it anymore. He needed to hold this body now, this hunger was aching him to the bones. His lower body was starting to react and embarrassed, knowing it was like the worst thing that could happen, he crossed his long legs nervously. 

“Stop it! I had seen enough!” He realized his cigarette was to the butt and he crushed angrily. He needed an explanation for his outburst. “This isn’t what I had written!” he exclaimed. “You said the musical was scandalous, but this movie is pornographic! It would never pass the censorship office.” Now, they would see he wasn’t gay for Leo anymore if he could stand to see his half-naked. The fact to not have him close despite his thirst, the idea every other man would be able to fantasize, on his lover when he wasn’t allowed to, was unbearable. 

The therapist stopped the projector while the doctor locked eyes with him.

“Pornographic? What do you mean?”He crossed his hand under his chin gravely. “ I saw nothing of this sort.”

“It was close-up shot on half-naked men,” Don retorted and then he understood his mistake and he could strike the wall in a rage because of how angry he was with himself. Don just admitted he saw in bare-chested men something appealing sexually.“I mean, the camera focused on the body, when I wrote it with the intention the emotion should pass in the voice and the face,” he backpedaled, but it was too late.   
  
Don knew he just signed longer electroshock therapy and at least another month in this hell by the silence stretching and their desolate faces. 

The doctor shut the file in front of him, with a sigh.

"I think we would have to use stronger means to heal you."

Don paled awfully. It couldn’t be lobotomy. He would be indeed free from his painful passion, but he would also lose his creativity and his artistic brain was his only value.

"You can't," he stammered. But then, pride flared up in him. He had torn Leo's picture, he had refused the phone call, he had denied his feelings for him. He was unhappy enough, already with his heartbreak and this hopeless love. Why did they want to punish him even more? "I'm not even ill. Me lusting for whoever doesn’t represent a danger for anyone. I'm a 27 years old grown-up man. I’m not sick, mentally challenged, or disabled. I can work, earn money, and I’m not a burden for society," the playwright enumerated. "You have no right to keep me locked because I love to admire a man as he was a masterpiece in a museum!" He slammed his hand on the table. "He was inspiring me!"

Both doctors seemed not impressed. 

"You could be an adult, but before dying, your father made your mother your tutor. He seemed to believe you needed it and so, until her death, she has the right to decide for you. Speaking of her, your mother found troubling pictures in your apartment." The doctor leaned over the desk. "From you and some nazi officer.” A short but heavy silence followed. “And many, many, other men,”the doctor continued. It wasn’t artistic photos,” he dropped with intent. “Neither the ropes she found, any props." Don paled even more before turning livid in front of the invasion of his privacy. But he could guess his mother had been deeply disturbed to see such images. Maybe she even believed Don was forcing himself on them by restraining them. In her catholic soul, she couldn’t understand people could get turned on by this and gave their consent. 

"She found sketches of this man, too," the doctor continued. He pulled open a drawer before handing a torn page from a sketchbook and Don recognized a sketch he took from Leo when the young man was modeling. Of course, it was the less candid one. "She counted 437 sketches of this man.” He stared into Don’s soul. “How could you deny it isn't an illness? It looks like an obsession to me.” He turned a frame on his desk, presenting the picture to the former director. 

"She is my wife. We have been married for 18 years," he recalled without any warmth. "Besides our wedding album, I owe only two pictures of her. One on my desk, the other one, in my wallet. Some men have not a single one. You have 438 images of this man, counting the one in your office." 

Don was clever enough to see where the doc was leading. As if it could have something common with this plain-looking woman and this boring marital love and his own feelings.

"What he meant is that from what I know and understand of the situation," Don's therapist continued, "Your feelings, very intense, if I may add, weren't returned. Mr. Hunter left for California, to live his dreams, but also, to run away." He folded his arm, solemn. "Because he was afraid of you, which is understandable."

"He was not!" Don slammed his fist on the desk, snarling. "You have no idea of who he is and what he felt!” He could afford to lose it, now. He has nothing more to lose. Yes, Leo had been afraid at some moment, but he was fine before leaving, right? The actor had feel at ease enough to open up to him.“I demand to talk to my mother!” His mother could disapprove of him, she valued too much of his genius to allow him to get lobotomized. “My attraction for this man is purely artistic! There is nothing to cure there!”

“You’re the one turning down her visits,” the therapist pointed out. “Bellevue isn’t a jail for us to forbid a mother to see his son. But she had been so heartbroken by you, she said she thought to give over her guardianship to your cousin.”

Don gasped in shock. If Raphael was his legal guardian, he was sure to die in this psychiatric yard, after a frontal lobotomy. Raph wanted to destroy him that much. 

“We are well aware Mr. Perkins that you are an intelligent man, but we are not fools either. You could deny your homosexuality as you wish, the facts are against you.” The doctor drew back, like he was done dealing with this case. “I'm also conscious we can’t heal you as I hoped we could. Homosexuality is a sign of schizophrenia and by how you…”

Don turned his back and walked to the door with great strides.

“I’m leaving!” he exclaimed. “You should have saved you the trouble to bring me there and just let me kill myself once and for all!” Indeed, wasn’t it ridiculous? Why bother to lock him down so he could not hurt himself when they wanted to insert an icepick behind his eyes, and with a hammer, knocking it into his brain?

He didn’t make ten steps that a guard was on him and he got injected with a tranquilizer in front of a very concerned Carol. When he got conscious enough, he was tied to his bed and outside, it was dark.

He struggled with all his might for a moment, before giving up. There was nothing to do, he supposed. He had been foolish to make such a scene, knowing that the game was rigged from the start. Those men had no intention to let Don free from the beginning because of course, they saw through him. His last hope resumed in his mother.

But for one moment, he envisaged what he would be to get the lobotomy. He had wanted to die, not because he hated the fact of breathing and walking, but because he suffered too much from Leo’s abandonment. After the frontal lobotomy, he would be essentially brain dead and would do nothing but pour coffee from an empty pot all day. Would it not be more relaxing that desperately loving, longing, lusting for Leo?

Was he really considering it? He shook himself out of it. He could descend so low. There were some pills he spat out and hid under his mattress. He could take all of them and overdose. It was better to be dead, period, than brain dead. But for that, he needed to have his hands free.   
A sob at his sides kicked him out of his train of thought and made him turn his head.

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Perkins…" Carol cried. "I don't know if I should tell you."

Don squared his jaws, bracing himself to be brought against his wills. Of course, the nurse was upset. She couldn't marry a lobotomized man.

"I’m not a mother yet, but I know if I were one, I would want to see my son on my deathbed." She sucked in a deep breath. "Your mother got a car accident on her way here," she blurted out. "She got internal damage and doctors said she wouldn’t see the sunrise. I heard them talking about it, after a call from the emergencies. My friend Monica said she kept asking for her son. I talked about you to my friend,"she confessed,

Don listened, speechless, dismissing the part about the friend. Whatever their disagreement and what Leo could say, he cared for his mother. He knew she did her best. It was an upsetting matter already to know his mother was critically hurt, but it was even worse in his current state. Raphael would perhaps end his legal guardian.

"I have to see her," Don stammered. 

"I know you aren’t at all like the doctors think you are," Carol said with fire. "After my shift, I went to see your mother.” Indeed she wasn't wearing her uniform. “I...maybe it wasn't the thing to do, but I introduced myself.” She looked at him earnestly. I said I was your nurse, and we get along well and that you promise me to invite for dinner and a walk in the park," she admitted with a blush.

The playwright didn’t remember having promised a walk, but it could have been. He was so out of his mind or lost in his inner world most of the time, he barely noticed what was happening around him.

Mistaking his silence, she apologized over and over, but he interrupted her.

"What she said?" Don's heart raced. "Was she conscious?" He knew he was a scumbag to care more about himself right now than his mother. But the fact was that if his mother could be convinced he was wooing a nurse, she would eagerly sign the form to free him. Yes, he thought feverishly, it could work. But for that, he needed to talk to her.

“I have to see her,” he urged. He clasped Carol’s hands in his. “Find a way to get me to her and we could get married on the spot by the hospital chaplain!” he exclaimed in the spur of the moment. He had to find a way to convince her to disobey the hospital rules.

She stared at him in disbelief, having probably not expected to be proposed in this rushed way by a patient in a gown, restrained at his bed. 

“Of course, I need nicer clothes,” he continued. “But I remember I had some before getting in here.” 

It seemed to break the spell the nurse was in and her face took a determined expression. She started by untying him with sure move and then, she left saying she would be back soon. Indeed, she was and without a second thought Don dressed in front of her, too caught up in his train of thought. When he was ready, they managed to leave the psychiatric yard unnoticed.

Don nervously smooth his hair, glancing around, hoping he looked kind of normal after a month and half of electroshock therapy. When they were at the emergency aisle, a woman left a room and Carol told him it was her friend. They both nodded in connivance and Don briefly supposed Carol must have talked about him to her friend a damn lot. But it was perfect, Carol’s friend would be sure they were alone for at least 30 minutes.

His scheme to get out of the hospital went on the back burner when he entered the room. It couldn’t be his mother. This woman seemed so emaciated, so pale and so old. She wasn’t looking like that the last time Don had seen her. When was it? Oh, it was when she gave him his typewriter. He had taken it and turned his back to start writing his spite screenplay. Was he the reason for this twenty-five pounds or so, lost? Remorse hit him like a train. He remembered how many times in the last two years, she had begged him for dinner and such and he had barely hid his annoyance. How could he have acted this way with his own mother. Even if it was very untimely to think about him, the playwright remembered the numerous times Leo had pleaded for him to be a better son and had tried to push him to see her more often. Most of the time, he had refused, jealous and suspicious and now, he wouldn't ever eat his mother’s tasteless cooking. It was apparent she had only a few hours left. 

“Mamma!” he cried out, distressed by the remorse and the mingled memory of his childhood and his lover. She wasn’t a hindrance anymore, she wasn’t a bigot. She was his mother, period.

She snapped her eyes open hearing the primary call.

“Donnie,” she murmured, too weak to stretch her arm, but Don saw in her eyes how relieved she was to see him. She glanced at Carol next to him and she attempted a smile. “It is true?” she asked, her voice almost inaudible. 

The playwright swallowed hard. To lie at such a solemn moment was so sinful, but Don tried to convince himself it was for the best. His mother would die happy and he would also be free. But despite that, he wasn’t able to tell such a lie with a straight face.

“She is a very good girl, very caring,” he dodged.

“Your son wants us to marry now, Mrs.Perkins, for you to be there,” Carol exclaimed. She looked down at herself. She was wearing a yellow dress-suit, and probably thought it wasn’t how she pictured a wedding dress. Don only wondered briefly why blond didn’t realize how dull-looking they were in this color. But it wasn’t the main issue. Don had spouted this on a spur of the moment, in his despair to see his mother and escape the psychiatric yard. He didn’t believe she had taken him seriously.

But now his mother was gazing at him so intensely that it wasn’t even to get out that he nodded. She needed this peace of mind to leave this world.

Everything went very fast. While Carol was rushing to get the chaplain, Don squeezed his mother’s hand.

“Please”, she was mumbling continually and Don wasn't sure if it was a please for him not to let go of her hand or beg God it was true his son wasn’t gay, anymore. Maybe in her Catholic mind, she feared to go straight to Hell to have given birth and raised such an abomination as himself. 

The Chaplain went, probably only aware of a part of the story. They have no rings and when his mother removed her own wedding ring, Don had to bite on his tongue to not shout to her to keep it. She had loved her husband, Don’s father, so much and she probably intended to wear the ring until she was ashes. To deprive herself of a jewel that was a seal of real love was unbearable to Don, but he was now in such deep shit, he realized, there was no way out, until his mother closed her eyes. And what he would do of Carol, he thought, when she turned to him, at the kiss moment. He decided he would think of it out of the psychiatric yard and he leaned over her to kiss her, picturing another face, hair, lips. Thank God, Carol did not have long hair and he grabbed them slightly, indulging in a kiss, full of someone else image. They had some clearing throat sounds from the chaplain and Don went back to reality.

Carol was flushed, her eyes glazed, but Don felt the weight of a stone on his chest at her ringed finger’s sight. His mother asked the Chaplain if what he would write at her request would be regarded as an official declaration for the hospital staff and when he nodded, she muttered some words, in a very low voice that the chaplain wrote hurriedly. When he was done, she took the pen with difficulty, signed her name with a trembling hand, and then asked to be left alone with her son.

“Don’t be too harsh with her,” she murmured when they were alone. “She probably loves you. Don’t be too hard on your cousin, neither when you will see him. He did what he thought would be the best. And this man…”Don braced himself. Even if she was dying, Leo was a susceptible topic. He couldn’t bear him being badmouthed despite his very questionable behavior. She uttered a long, painful sight. “You are a married man, now whether you live with her or not. Carry the love you have for him in your heart as a treasure no one shouldn’t see.” Don opened his eyes widely, not having expected such a comment. His mother hadn't been fooled a bit, he wasn’t that surprised, but this last-minute acceptance blew his mind. “That a married man had a paramour is a common thing. But promise me that if he doesn't love you back in two years from now, you will return to your spouse.”

Stunned, he nodded. She had been relieved he had now a wife as a beard, but it wasn’t fully sufficient for her to die happy. Even if he couldn’t picture himself not loving Leo anymore, it was a very reasonable request, and he wasn’t heartless enough to deny her something in these moments.

“The reason I ask you is that I want you to be happy Donnie. This is why I put you there. I was so upset…”Tears ran down her cheeks. “I had hoped they would make you..more suitable for happiness,” she struggled to say. “But when I got this call earlier, I decided to take you home.”

So, his mother didn’t abandon him. She had come back to free him and Don’s eyes filled with tears. She loved him and preferred him lusting for a man but with his full mind.

“Your cousin doesn't agree. He said that you... need a better hospital.” 

“Of course, he hates me, he wants me dead! He had always been jealous of me!”Don spat angrily, unable to hold back.

She made a rattling sound. “He doesn’t hate you...he liked and spoiled you so much…he said… this man is...a poison. He said that now, he had made him in a way you can’t love him anymore…”Don squeezed her hand stronger. He didn’t know what he truly wanted by this gesture: it was for her to explain herself better or to shut up to spare her strength. “I think he is wrong. I think you will use the freedom and the money from my death to get your lover back.” Don’s mind for once was far from Leo and even more from his mother’s money. He wasn’t sure where to stand anymore; should he tell her sweet, white lies about not loving the actor anymore? 

Her voice turned weaker and her speech more confused. “If they can't heal you without piercing your brain, there is nothing to do; love him, but don’t forget yourself or your promise.”

The hand turned slack in his, but Don didn’t drop it right away. He stayed a long moment, prostrated, dealing with sorrow, and other mixed feelings, crying quietly.

When he left the room, eyes red-rimmed, a doctor was there as the chaplain and a nurse. Carol was staring at him, the last wills add-on or whatever it was in hand. Despite her effort to look mournful, she seemed to beam internally. Don supposed she hadn’t expected Don to be a wealthy heir. Disgust took him and an urge to get the ring back for his mother. But she did help him and having an official Mrs. Perkins in NYC wouldn’t be too much of a hindrance in Hollywood. He snatched the paper from her hand. Indeed, Don was free, having no need of a legal guardian anymore and had inherited of the five buildings and what his mother had in money. He wouldn’t be as rich as having a production studio, but he would be enough for what he had in mind; his vengeance.

Someone asked him if the deceased has another family member to call.  
  
“No one,” Don replied. 


	24. Chapter 24

At the first foot he landed in Los Angeles, Don knew he would hate it, even if the temperature was nice for the end of November. In fact, it was the exact same day that he had last year offered Leo a role in his play, he had realized in the plane, gritting his teeth in rage. One year ago he had given Leo the opportunity of his life and this asshole had backstabbed him to follow Don’s cousin, Raphael. He had driven Don so miserable that he had ended in a psychiatric ward. Yet, Don had dropped everything to join him. Vengeance motivated him, that was what he kept telling himself. Raph and Leo must pay, but he wasn’t hypocrite enough to deny that his feelings about the actors were more mixed. 

He still loved him, damn it, but he was determined to repress those feelings. Donnie wanted Leo to crawl back to him, but what he wanted to do with it was still unclear. Of course, erotic images flooded his mind, but the playwright was resolute to stay angry at Leo and teach him a lesson. After that, he didn’t dare to think about it. Don’s pride had been too wounded at the hospital. He couldn’t admit he would take Leo back. 

Don motioned to a taxi and climbed in and dropped an address. He had gone into so much trouble to come here that the actor must make up to him. The ring shone at his finger and his face twisted in a grimace. Without a second thought, he pulled it out from his finger, opened the cab window and threw it outside. His wedding had been a bad joke; to play with other people’s feelings wasn’t like Donnie; it was more Leo’s. But it was either that or a lobotomy so the choice had been quick. While the taxi drove him to his new home, Don’s mind recalled the last events before his departure.

His mother had died, leaving Don much more money than he thought she had. He was also the landlord of five buildings. It took him only three days to swap four of them and all his belongings to get a villa-and a new life- in Hollywood. To get rid of Carol-he couldn’t bring himself to call her his wife-had been much more trouble. He sighed, thinking back of it.

Of course, he had the decency to bring her to his place, or rather, his mom’s apartment. He told her this apartment was her, now and she could collect the rent of the building tenant and that he would also provide her a monthly alimony of $150. Even without working again as a nurse, she would be fine and even more valuable, free. But she didn’t agree with him and had made a ruckus to follow him and, even worse, to fill her marital duty. 

And, as a token of respect for his recently deceased mother, Don had tried. He never went that far with a woman. Kissing her had already been feeling like he was choking. But she had bee a precious help for him and so, Don had decided to bite the bullet. He had shut his eyes and jerked off as crazy before penetrating her. His cock had slid too easily and the inside was so wet, it made him gag. She immediately clung to him and he had back off after two tentative thrusts. He had always hated being touched. He had asked after a long hesitation if he could tie her up. She had agreed but her expression had been a turn-off and he had lost the boner he had so worked on.

“I can’t!” he had turned away to lit up a cigarette. “You aren’t a bad person, but I would be a bad husband.”

She had tried to find a reason why Don couldn’t do it. She had suggested it was because his mother just died. It could have been true, but Don was too honest to fool her.

“I was in Bellevue because I can’t do it with a woman,” he had admitted. “I still respect you and want to treat you right.”

He had offered his mother’s apartment, the whole building, the alimony, and the promise that if his movie was a success, he would give her more money. She had cried and so, he had felt forced to fulfill his promise to his mother on her deathbed.

“If Hollywood didn’t bring me what I expect, I will come back and try to be a good husband.” He had sucked in a deep breath. Vowing that much was already filling him with anxiety, but she wasn’t happy with it, already speaking about having a child. A child wasn’t on Don’s agenda, it never was. He had too many issues; he refused to risk having a child suffering the same.

The important thing was he had managed to get away, he supposed with a long sigh. He watched the landscape and the unfamiliar palm tree rows. He wasn’t feeling at ease, already missing New York’s buildings and noise, but his excitement to be so close to get what he wanted after weeks fantasizing about it overshadowed everything. He allowed himself to smile, knowing no one mattering could see him. At the nutcase factory and in the plane, Don had schemed all of it. His hand stroked the suitcase, never leaving him now. It contained his screenplay, his ace in his sleeve for his vengeance.

The whole day was spent like he was sleepwalking. The real estate agent had shown him the house, and since it was exactly as Don wanted he had signed the paper. The villa yard was wide and well surrounded by trees and bushes, to protect his privacy. There was a pool outside and inside, there were four bedrooms, three bathrooms, a fully equipped kitchen and a living room and dining room twicer large as Don’s former apartment. There was even a cellar in the basement and Don was gloating. Of course, Raph must have a most flashy villa, but he still had everything Leo could dream of. The decoration style was a little old-fashioned, and Don promised himself to have everything decorated in the new trend before the end of the year. He had lived with Leo enough-and yielded to any of his caprices, to know the young man’s taste perfectly.

Anyway, according to his plan, he couldn’t see Leo before a couple of days. Don needed a new wardrobe, a new car, and also, to get some vibes of the place; like knowing all the gay spots for example.

It was always anxiogenic for a gay man to not knowing where the gay life was. But he had found some people he felt in his guts could help him and after a few questions, Don knew five different places.

His first night in Los Angeles, a man was in his bed and the second night another one. While he was plowing into the body underneath him, he couldn’t help but sneer about how electroshock therapy had been useless. He could still get hard for a male body very easily, even heartbroken.

It wasn’t that Don was so horny, that he needed to fuck. Well, in fact, he kind of was, after nine weeks of celibacy. But what he wanted was to look relaxed and casual when he would meet Raph and it was impossible to give off that vibe with throbbing balls. 

At the asylum, Don had even more learned what patience and dissimulation meant and so as the saying about revenge is a dish best served cold. If he throws himself at Raph’s studio, looking edgy and exhausted, he would look too eager, still enamored and it would go against his plan. 

But now, he was there, in his new Packard Custom Super Clipper Club Sedan, a smile plastered on his face while announcing himself to the security guard watching the grilled entrance of the Renaissance Studio.

“Mr. Terenzi is waiting for me,” he lied with a straight face. His stomach was knotted with anxiety. Would he see Leo on his way to Raph’s office? He wasn’t ready, not yet. “I’m one of his relatives and we are also business partners for the movie DragonFly.”

He handed his business card or rather, pretended to be. The security guard, impressed by Don’s expensive new car and elegant suit opened the grill. It wasn’t like Donnie looked like a wannabe starlet trying to get her way into a movie. But it was a new barrier taken down between him and his vengeance.

He continued to drive slowly, quietly glancing around, used now to shut down any feelings. So it was a movie studio? He must admit it was big but less than he had imagined. He parked his car in front of the main entrance. He wandered around, driven by instinct and indication until he faced the last obstacle to what he dreamed for months; Raph’s secretary.

Oddly, he had imagined a pretty, sexy brunette, but instead, he found himself in front of a fifty-year-old woman.

He repeated the same words he used with the guards and everyone he met on his path, with his more utterly polite smile, but she was obviously a tougher cookie.

“Relative or not, your name is not on the schedule,” she replied stubbornly. 

“Tell him that Donnie is here.” Raphael had no idea he had managed to get out of the psychiatric ward, neither Don’s mother passed away. Don knew Raph enough that if Donnie was now as far as on his office floor, he would receive him. Raphael had many flaws and had backstabbed him, but he wasn’t a coward. Raph would indubitably be curious about what had happened for Donnie to be released from the nut case factory.

As he had imagined, after a phone call, she looked at him with more reverent eyes.

“Mr. Terenzi will see you. Please, wait a moment, she said, inviting him to sit. “Would you want some coffee?”

Don sat stiffly on the beige seat and removed his hat, turning it nervously between his fingers. He was anxious enough without coffee, even if he compelled himself to look calm. The whole success of his plan was based on deception. He had to look detached and he repeated himself the sentence in his mind, like a spell. 

He used the moment to study his surroundings. He could tell Raph had personally chosen some of the furnishings and decorations. It was very flashy but in a masculine way, every item was a call for attention, a way to show off the owner's success. Who could imagine-or care for the matter-that it was a way as another for Raph to launder money. 

Donnie didn’t have to wait long to be called in the office. Slowly, he stood up and stepped into his cousin's office as if he hadn’t craved to live this moment for two months straight. After what he had experimented with the doctors, Don was more used than ever to pretending. In fact, he had realized he had never fooled anyone because it had never been a matter of death or life to deny to be gay before. Raph would be hard to mislead because his cousin knows him well, so the playwright wouldn’t even try to convince him he wasn’t attracted by men. A too sudden 180 of his sexual interest would look far too suspicious. But to pretend that he wasn’t into Leo anymore could be realizable. Anyway, most of the time Don himself was convinced he hated the young actor. After such a betrayal and the heartache he went through because of him, it was sensible Donnie wasn’t into Leo anymore. But his wounded pride wanted Leo to pay for his missed suicide, his time at the hospital and the electroshock therapy, the loss of his director position, and the early end of his musical. He was also angry for his marriage and this masquerade he had to bear with at his mother’s death bed. In fact, it had been the last straw for Donnie. His mother had left the world worried for him and despite all their past disagreements, it weighed heavily on him. His heartache, the psychiatric ward, and his mother’s death had changed him. He could still have a soft spot still for the actor that ached into him, he was determined to not show it. Was it Leo himself that told him that showing feelings was exposing a weakness? Despite his young age, Leo was wiser than him to only love himself.

It was almost as he had imagined it when he entered, Raph was sitting behind his desk, smoking, his eyes burning holes into Don. It was weird to see a three-dimensional Raphael after having dreamed of destroying him so much. He hadn’t changed, maybe he was more tanned and had taken the little weight that Donnie had lost with the hospital food. He wondered briefly what he looked like.

When the secretary shut the door behind Donnie, Raph attacked.

“So, they let you out?” he asked his voice flat, but with a hint of controlled anger.

“Of the asylum you put me in?” Don retorted, walking to the seat in front of his cousin’s desk. “Yes, since here I am.”

Raph narrowed his eyes. The green gaze blazed with fury.

“I wasn’t the one who tied the noose,” Raphael snarled. “You lunatic,” he growled, crushing his cigarette angrily. “I couldn’t still believe it!” 

Something in Raph’s features expressed something like he was upset, but Don didn’t bother to fall for that. 

“You rob from me what was the most precious thing ever,” Don said, his tone cold and clipped. “My work.”

Raphael glanced up.

“The movie?” he asked, surprised. “I bought you the copyright!”

“My play,” Don corrected icily. “And no, you didn’t buy me the copyright, since I don’t remember having signed any document.”

They locked eyes for a long moment and Don braced himself to keep an undazed front at the name of the man he had been so madly in love with. 

“Your associate seemed to believe a signature wasn’t required.” Raph folded his arms. “I admit I had been a little stingy. But in addition to the $10000, you owed me money. Plus your name will be in the credits. Your associate insisted on it.” This surprised Donnie but he didn’t show it. After all, it should be granted he was still named as a writer. Raphael opened a drawer and Don tensed a moment, wondering if he would pull out a gun. He still remembered with burning shame the gun incident. But Raph pulled a bottle and two glasses and poured them drinks. “If you want to do a new edition of this musical ten years from now, I bet the success will be even better. So this is what you want, Donnie?” he handed him a Bourbon glass. “You think I didn’t pay a fair price for your play and you want more money. You should have saved you the trouble to pay for a plane.” Raph had a snicker, before finishing his drink in one large gulp. “You should have chosen a fine lady singing telegram.” He put down his glass more forcefully than necessary, meaning his smirk was fake. “So, how much do you want, Donnie? Your protege had quite expensive taste. This movie will cost me much more money than planned. Listening to him, we should do the trip to Japan for it to be more accurate.” Raph poured himself a second glass. “No wonder you were broke all the time. Are you not drinking?”

Don glanced up, trying to not look tense. 

“It’s barely 10:00 am.”

“Well, the hospital put some good sense into you.” He held his glass in cheers. “So how much do you want? $8000? It could be a good downpayment for a new musical.”

“This isn’t what I want,” Don replied in a dull voice.

“Spill the beans already, I’m a busy man.” Something had changed into Raph as well. He could tell his cousin was a little edgier than he was before.   
“I want to be Dragon Fly’s director” Don straightened himself on the seat, to look more confident. “This is my story and only I could make it shine as it deserves,” Donnie spat disdainfully. 

Raph made a dismissive gesture from the hand and pulled out a cigar.

“Too bad, I already have a director and he is great, so…” He smirked. “Guess you will have to go back to New York. Aren’t you the one who told me many times how Hollywood was vulgar?”

Don’s mouth twisted into a disapproving grimace. He knew it wouldn’t be easy and he had prepared himself for a long fight.

He leaned to take his suitcase and in front of a dispassionate Raph, he opened it, waving his screenplay.

“This is a bomb! I’m positive the movie from this will be on the next Oscar list!” He grinned in a way he hoped not too threatening. “I wrote it at the hospital, between two electroconvulsive therapy sessions. I must thank you. It was very inspiring.”

“For the last fucking time, I have no part in you having been locked up.” He leaned over his desk, snarling. “You brought this to yourself by acting recklessly for months and then, trying to end yourself. Aunt Maria was sick with worry for you. She didn’t know what to do anymore.” The mention of his mother troubled Donnie for a very short moment, but he pulled himself together. It could be true, but he was sure she had sought Raph’s advice before taking this decision. 

“If you let me be DragonFly’s director, I will offer you this screenplay and a sure hit!” He took a deep breath. It was the moment he had practiced in front of his mirror so many times. “If you refuse, well, guess I will go into another studio. And your DragonFly won’t be able to win against this,” he hissed.

“Are we stopping to play cats and mouse games? We both know why you are here. You are here for him.” The green gaze took a dive into Don’s soul. “If it was work-related, you wouldn’t cross the damn country for it. You are straightforward and very professional about anything business-related. You would have called me or sent me a formal notice to not use your play if you weren’t directing it.” He drew on his cigar, his eyes gleaming with fury. “But only this half-Japs bastard could make you lose it to the point you are here, ready to destroy me, my business, the movie from your scenario if I deny you a way to get close to him. You are here because you are dying to kiss his feet again,” he gnarled with resentment.

Don hated Raph to know him so well and himself to be so easy to guess, because damn it was so true. Even if he wanted to hate him now and he was still too fragile to resist Leo’s exotic appeal, he craved to see him again. But before he could kick himself and deny, Raph delivered him an unexpected blow.

“I fucked him, you know?” he said, releasing a puff, studying Donnie. “I don’t get what in him made you crazy about him. He is very disappointing in bed.”

For a few seconds, Don forgot he had to not look shocked. He dug his nails in his knees, finally to reply:

“Probably he was for you since you are not into men. But for me, he wasn’t that bad. A cold beauty in bed could have its charms.” It was indeed this gap in his personality. Under the inaccessible ice statue-like body, flowed the red embers of a fierce blood. He tried to dismiss the memory of their last night, Leo riding him, his hands squeezing his neck. Never Don had such a wild night. He refused to even imagine how Leo could have been with Raph. It was a cursed image and he tried to focus on looking unbothered. “But well, I’m over him, now.” Don’s gaze zeroed on Raph’s. He had learned it was an important thing to be able to keep eye contact for convince poeple. “I’m not interested in him, anymore. Hence my future movie has no single role for him.” He handed the screenplay to Raph, his heart pounding, dying with the envy of punching the man that just admitted having slept with Leo, despite knowing how much his cousin had cherished the actor. 

Maybe it wasn’t true, as the doctors with Leo’s call. Raph only tried to make him snap. But with the screenplay with no role for Leo, Raph would admit Don was indeed over Leo and be impressed.

“The docs told me about how you hated me.” Raph’s tone was neutral and Don paled. Raphael was more aware of his motivation than he had expected. But it proved that Raph was much more involved than he said for Donnie’s time in the hospital. “They wanted to have proof of your progress, because they doubted they were any. I sent them the little movie you saw.” He smirked. “You seem unaware that you got an expressive face. I could tell you wanted to stab me two minutes ago when I said I got sex with the Ice Queen.”

“I wasn’t,” Don denied, dispassionate. “You’re the one who keeps speaking about that person. He is meaningless to me. I told you. I’m over using him as my muse,” he insisted coldly. 

Raph braced himself on his elbows, putting his face into his hands, watching Donnie half-amused, half-exasperated. 

“Why aren’t you calling him by his name, then?” Raph snickered. “It’s a very short one and I guess you couldn’t forget the name of the man you wanted to die for, when he abandoned you, so easily.”

“His name was Leo,” Donnie uttered through clenched teeth. “And as you said, he abandoned me, who did so much for him. You were right he is…” Don gulped his mouth suddenly very dry. But he had already done so much to reach his goal, he could do it. Anyway, it was kind of true. “He is an opportunist, ungrateful, too expensive little bitch,” he finally said. “I don’t care for him anymore. In fact, I’m even ashamed about how a fool I was.” He chuckled not too nervously. “I realized it at the hospital. But Dragonfly isn’t a work I would disown. I sweated tears and blood on it. I want to be the one directing his movie production. Give me that, and I will call myself satisfied with the money you gave me for.” He gazed at him the more intensely he could. “Refuse, and I will make sure my next movie overshadows yours. And I will send you this formal notice you were already expecting.”

Raphael had listened to his speech, as he was carefree, but Don knew that with Raph, you have to not stop at the casual facade. He knew his cousin’s attention was focused on him, analyzing. At the hospital, Don had spent a lot of them dissecting mentally his cousin’s personality as a way to find a weakness in him. One wasn’t as powerful and influential at barely 30 years old without a deep judgment of the people and the situation. 

Donnie was satisfied with his speech and according to him, he had been very convincing, but his certitude dimmed when Raph had a low, dark chuckle.

“I told you. I’m not interested. I have a good director, already. You don’t have to be worried about your Princess. He will be fine.” Raphael had a predatory smile. “I’m positive he already slept with the director to be sure to shine more than Mikey.” Don’s face ashen despite himself and Raph felt mandatory to explain: “You know, the curly, blond actor? I had chosen him, you know? Your Leo was pissed. But well, they quite got along, now. They could both suck my cock, if I snap my fingers,” he finished grinning and Don was conscious his cold demeanor wasn't very convincing anymore and it must be apparent he was livid. “I made sure you wouldn’t go down this road again, Don. You can threaten me, sue me, I don’t care but I wouldn’t let you come next to this man, again. He is toxic for you and you know it. Anyway, I don't think he wants you around, neither. He doesn't need you anymore."

Don struggled to hide his anger and disappointment. He knew it wouldn’t be easy, but he had hoped his movie project would be enough to bait Raph’s interest. His cousin knew Don’s writing value. Of course, if he offered the screenplay to another studio, Raph would pay and Leo too, in a way. The new movie would eclipse DragonFly. But it wasn’t enough of a vengeance for Donnie. He needed to see Leo’s deterred face when Donnie would turn successful and famous. Then, he would try to crawl back to him and Donnie would ignore him, finding love and pleasure with other people. Thinking of it, he felt butterflies in his stomach.

“Give your screenplay to whoever you want!” Raph’s voice was a low, threatening rumble. “I’m sure as fuck not leaving you entering the movie set. He would have you in his clutches all over again without breaking a sweat.”

Don stood up abruptly, his fists bailed. He knew Raph’s enough to know his cousin wouldn’t change his mind. Not today, anyway. But Don didn’t go that far to drop it. Raph could be powerful, Raph could be wealthy, Raph could be dangerous, he didn’t care. He will have to pay to have robbed Don of the fragile happiness he once got. 

“You will regret it,” he hissed, rushing toward the exit before he threw a punch. Violence repelled him even if Raph had deserved it.

“I can’t believe Aunt Maria let you out!” Raph shouted, his voice strained. “A mother’s love is so a weakness!”

At this, Don spun toward him, with a forced grin. At least he could deliver this single blow from their encounter. Raphael had lost his mother when he was around six years old and had always been a very caring nephew for Don’s mom. To be mean wasn't him, but Raph had brought this upon him, by stealing his work, but even more, his lover. His lover Raph sleep with, he thought again, snarling. 

“She died,” he said, earnestly watching Raph’s face turning ashen. If only he could suffer half of Don had suffered. “She died, knowing I will come here and she gave me her blessing.” He took a deep breath to calm himself down. He was overwhelmed by too strong, mixed feelings. “I made a promise and I will fulfill it. You won’t stop me.”

With that, without waiting for Raph’s reply, he left the office, in a hurry to find a place he could hide his breakdown. 

  
  



	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No beta, no speaking English

Don lazily opened a red-rimmed eye. He heard something. Was it a knock at the door? He lifted his head, to glance at his alarm clock. It was 9:45 am and the playwright collected his thoughts. His eyes landed on the sleeping body next to him and his memory came back. Yesterday, after his fight with Raph, he had been incensed. He had returned home, had called three other studios, and had managed to get with each of them an appointment for the next Monday, thanks to the fame his name still has in the entertainment business. It was supposed to be a success, but Don wasn't feeling like so. 

What he wanted was to be DragonFly director, as a way to be coldly professional and rub in Leo's face he wasn't into him anymore-even if he fucked this random guy only thinking of the black-haired actor. This is how he had ended drinking at a bar and bringing home a sex partner. He had been so tired out, still jet-lagged and also drained by the stress, that he didn’t even have the time to kick the guy out after being done and so, he was still snoring next to him. How could he have picked up such a shady looking guy, he wondered studying his raspy jaws and disheveled hair. He winced away in disgust.

He heard the same knocking noise again that had awakened him and jumped out of his bed. Maybe it was a delivery guy for some furniture he didn’t have received yet, as the washing machine? Which day were we? Saturday? 

He snatched his eggplant-colored bathrobe and ran down his staircase. Maybe it was a neighbor offering a pie as a welcome gift? Do people really do that? Or someone visiting the former owner, unaware of their death? He quickly thought of all the possibilities but stayed gasping when he opened the door.

Raph was there, grinning with a suitcase, but it wasn’t the more shocking. Raph didn’t come alone; the blond guy he had hired for his DragonFly movie was there and...Leo too was standing behind Raph, holding a fruit basket.

“I hope I didn’t wake you up or...disturb you when you were busy with something or someone,” Raph said, sneering. But his sarcasm was lost to Don who couldn’t peel his eyes off from Leo. He was there, he realized, it was the encounter he had daydreamed about for months. The young man was staring at him with that blank look of his, deep as two black holes with calm indifference. It was like he was seeing Donnie for the first time.

How did Leo dare to look at him in the eyes? Was he ashamed? Did he know Donnie had made a suicide attempt and got locked down for it? Did he know that he clung to vengeance as his only reason to live since the actor left him? Did he ever think of the playwright, as he was working on the movie set from the play written for him?

It seemed that not. The mixed-blood actor didn’t get such a hard time as Donnie; it was evident. Don was taking detail of him with prying eyes. Leo’s complexion had taken the golden hue of honey with the Californian sun. He was even more handsome, as it was possible, but something else had changed in him that he couldn’t nail on. Leo bore the examination without a flinch as expressionless as a wax statue  
  
“As you see, I brought with me my two leads actors,” Raphael continued like it wasn’t awkward or anything that Don burn holes into Leo. “Can we enter? Because we have a lot to discuss.”

Don remembered finally he couldn’t get caught staring at the man he was supposed to be over and compelled his eyes to look away.

“I thought you weren’t interested in Goldust,” Don spat aggressively. His anger was only a facade to hide how upset and uneasy he was feeling. He was so mad to have been shocked by Leo’s presence before he could brace himself. How did Raph find where he lived? It was probably because of his business card. How a careless idiot he had been.“Neither in my directing skills.”

“Can we enter?”Raph asked again. “Leo must be tired of holding this basket.”

Don’s mouth twisted. Raph was using Leo as a pretense to enter, knowing Don’s weak spot for the man. But why did Raph was there? His refusal was very firm the day before. Also, he had been even more clear about keeping him away from Leo. So why was Leo there, just under his nose?

“You didn’t need to give me any fruits,” Don retorted. He was still blocking the entrance, by leaning his tall body against the door frame, not making a move to take the basket off from the actor’s hands. “I told you what I wanted. Directing DragonFly. If you are not there to give me that, just go back in your car.”

“I got a great deal for you, Donnie. If you want to listen.” Raphael took the basket out of Leo’s hands to force him into Don and for a moment, the playwright wondered if the fruits were poisonous for Raphael to insist so much. Was he getting paranoid?

“I’m not sure to trust any gift from you,” he deadpanned.

“Fuck you.” Raph took an apple and bit it. “Stop frigging acting as he had hated you, shit,” he uttered, chewing on his apple bit. “Hospital made you delusional.”

He took a step forward, forcing Don to take one backward. Don was even more frozen by shock. Raphael just mentioned blatantly the hospital, meaning Leo probably knew about it and didn’t care, obviously.

“See this? It’s work-related!” Raph exclaimed, motioning toward the suitcase. “Yesterday you took me out of guard, but after you left I took the time to collect my thoughts. My lawyer prepared some documents. We are family, right? Family is important to me, you know that.”

Don turned his back angrily, walking with great strides to his living room and he dropped the basket on the coffee table without any care.

“So, why are your actors there?” he asked, going straight to the liquor cabinet, before changing his mind. He had drunk too much yesterday and it would be proof of weakness. “Go sit there, I’m going to make myself some coffee.”

From his kitchen, he could see Raph looking around. Next to him, the blond actor was doing the same, but by genuine curiosity. Only Leo seemed indifferent. It was evident he had been dragged there against his wills. He would have rather lay on the beach.

“They wanted to see you,” Raph said idly and Don snapped his head, glaring at the obvious lie. There was no way Leo wanted to see him. “You got yourself a nice home, Donnie. I don’t recognize your usual taste. It’s a little more trendy than what you were used to. But well, your New York apartment had also changed in the last year,” he snickered.

“I’m truly a big fan of you, Mr. Perkins,” the blond guy chirped. He seemed very energetic and was probably a nice, but not a too sharp guy. He didn’t seem to read the atmosphere. “I think DragonFly is truly amazing. And Raph made me read these other plays from you.”

Don raised an eye ridge at how familiar the blond actor was with his boss. He was about to make a sassy remark when the random guy he had picked to have sex, climbed down the stairs in frigging underwear.

“Oh, I didn’t know you have people,” he apologized, while Don begged a moment for a hole to swallow him. But then, he thought it was perfect. Raph would see he was over Leo and even better, Leo would see it as well. He eagerly watched the young actor’s reaction and a thrill ran through him. Leo’s velvety eyes had taken the sharpness of a black diamond or hot coal for a brief moment. With a shiver of delight, he remembered how Leo had been jealous of the janitor and the hot sex they had afterward. Well, hot sex was perhaps exaggerated. Don had cum only to be grazed by Leo’s toes. Was the actor remembering how much had been turned to be slapped and treated like a slave and this is why he acted so cheeky in front of him?

“Yeah, I’m very busy with business.” Don could bring himself to show he cared for the man. “See you another day,” he dismissed him. He didn’t even look at him and returned to his coffee. “You can leave the documents here,” he said in a dull voice, to Raph without looking at him. It was a sure way to not see Leo. If there is something you want to add that isn’t in the document yet, tell me now, but go straight to the point. I’m not in the mood.”

“Why? Did you not get laid last night?”Raph joked. “Don’t be embarrassed; Mikey plays in your team too and it takes a lot to shock Mr. Hunter as you may know.”

Mikey looked at them, back and forth.

“Wait...Do you know Mr. Perkins, Leo?”Mikey exclaimed. “You never told me!”

Don turned stiff, hearing about how Leo had wiped him from his life.

“Of course, they knew each other. Leo played DragonFly on Broadway, under the direction of Mr.Perkins, right there. He watched very closely your friend Leo rehearse for his role. In fact,” Raph grinned like a shark and Don had a bad omen. “I always got the suspicion he wrote and composed the whole play solely for him.”

Mikey gasped, a hand on his chest as he would actually pass out from the shock.

“Oh my god! It is true?” Don squared his jaws. To get rubbed in the face, in public how a fool he had been was filling him with bitterness. Mikey turned eagerly to his co-star and he grabbed his hands. “Leo, baby, tell me if it’s true.”

The bitterness turned acidic as he heard the pet name and he turned sharply toward Raph. Was it for that he had to bring them along? To show him Leo has a new boyfriend? But this Mikey was everything Leo disliked; blond, muscular, with sun-kissed skin and sky-blue eyes. He couldn’t help himself and turn toward them, despite how emotionless he wanted to look. What would Leo reply? 

“I was working at a restaurant where Mr. Perkins was a patron,” Leo replied, in a monotone voice as Donnie was paying rapt attention to his words. “When he talked to me about that play, it was already written. He suggested that I try to be part of the cast and I got chosen.”

Tell like that, it was like it had been a fortunate coincidence for Leo, and Mikey’s enthusiasm dimmed slightly. 

“You are too modest. I remember having heard Don calling you his muse.” Raph smirked, stretching his long legs on the beige carpet. “Am I right, Donnie?”

“Mr. Hunter was correct,” Don dropped icily, despite his racing heart. The coffee was ready and he poured himself a full mug of the bitter liquid. He circled the mug with his hands, conscious his palms were sweating. “Enough with the past and spill the beans already about your reason there.”

“I remind you more polite, Raph trailed off, and Don annoyed, supposed that the producer would drag it longer, but Raph seemed to be done with his game of cats and mice. “As the only person knowing you besides myself, I talked about your...visit of yesterday with Mr. Leo.” He motioned toward Leo and Don turned even stiffer. When I told him about that, he said he couldn’t allow your talent to go to another studio than mine. This is why he went all the way to here. Tell him, Leo.”

Don struggled to keep his eyes on Raphael. How dare is he being that familiar with him? It was another reminder they had sex and eh trembled furiously until Leo spoke.

“Donnie, please don’t do that,” Leo murmured so lowly, Don wasn’t sure if he heard correctly “Mr. Terenzi and you could find an arrangement.”

Leo had made his request in a neutral voice as if he didn’t care for the answer. 

A heavy silence stretched until Don kicked himself out of it. How dared Leo to ask him something? It was probably Raph pulling the strings; his cousin was forcing Leo into asking that, but still, Don knew Leo wasn’t easy to bully. If Leo dared to ask, it was because as Raphael, he thought he had still some influence over him. He would show them how they were sorely mistaken.

“Mind your own business,” he finally uttered. His jaw was aching and his tongue felt thick as plaster had been filled in his mouth. “It had nothing to do with you.”

Leo looked away, as he had expected Donnie’s answer, engrossed in the fabric of the curtain, reactionless. Standing in front of the window, his elegant profile was standing out, the morning sunbeam enhancing his cheekbones, his long neck and the nose, as delicate and cute as a seashell. He was heartbreaking and Don felt his hands tremble around the mug. A powerful need to walk to Leo, jerk him to him and kiss him forcefully took him. Why was so thirsty for that man, he wondered, even more after such a heartbreak he suffered because of him? Again, he felt that something was different with the young man and he decided to focus on it instead to be in awe in front of Leo’s beauty. It wasn’t only the tan, easy to expect, and explain. 

A strong aura of melancholia was surrounding Leo and Don noted it was the way he was moving that had changed, as Leo brushed a black lock away from his eyes. 

Realization dawned on him. Leo was now giving gay vibes he wasn’t before and Don turned livid as he suspected who was responsible for the shocking change. He peeled his gaze away from the tantalizing actor and glared at Raph. He had dared, he thought furiously. What Raph said the day before was true; they had sex together. And just by how gloomy Leo looked it was obvious he wasn’t happy. 

His first move was to punch Raph and kick him and the other actor and then have steamy make-up sex with Leo, but then, he remembered Leo had willingly abandoned him and still seemed to have not the slightest remorse.

“I don’t see why I would do that,” Don growled. “Except if I’m DragonFly director.”

At the moment he was done with his sentence, the reason why he was so stubborn about it was blurry to him. Why did he want to be the movie director again? DragonFly was only bringing him back painful memories and sorrow. Now that Don was in front of Leo how meaningless his quest to Hollywood was, appeared to the playwright. He could milk some more money from Raph and return to New York, to prepare a new musical, without Leo and then, start over his life. But in New York, he just got himself a hindrance even worse than his mother had been, his wife. Don still had a hard time proceeding he was a married man. But he guessed he could get a divorce, right? No one would annoy him with the psychiatric ward. If Donnie returned to New York, Raph would consider he was cured from his fatal attraction to Leo and let him be. Then, when he would manage to get divorced, he would continue as he was doing before meeting Leo that cursed day of April 1945. 

Or he could just do Goldust in another studio. He was positive of the success it would get with it and so, take vengeance over the ones that made him suffer so much.

“I can’t fire my director; he did nothing wrong, but I can allow you on the movie set as his consultant. You will have the veto for anything related to the movie. You will also get the same salary, plus a bonus as the writer and composer. Is it alright with you?”

Don didn’t care for the money at all, but Raph’s offer was what he had wanted. But now, he wasn’t sure to want it anymore that Leo was in front of him. He could recognize all the signs: that fuzzy feeling, that pounding heart, the pit in his stomach and his stupid dick half hard.

Donnie was still in love. 

How a fool he was.

Because obviously, Leo still didn't love him back and now that he wasn’t needing Donnie anymore, the playwright was sure the actor would not leave him to touch him with a barge pole. 

Why was he so weak to that man? Don was so disillusioned about him; he knew no happiness was possible. 

Leo turned toward him, waiting for his answer and he stroked his long neck idly, in a nonchalant manner as he wanted to scratch his nape, but Don saw it as a purposeful move, bringing him back to their last night when Leo had choked him. His cock throbbed in his pants at the memory. 

He was such a masochist.

“Where’s in the trap? Because knowing you, I’m sure there’s one.”

Raphael made that sharp grin that put Don’s nerve on the edges.

“I want you to give Mikey some tips about his acting because you know, he is my lead actor.”

Don’s heart missed a beat and out of instinct, he met the serious onyx gaze. Don was smart enough to understand: Raph wanted Mikey to be the star of the movie when Don had written Dragonfly to make Leo’s character shine. Also, as he has seen on the screen test, Mikey has inferior acting skills. He wasn’t bad, just average when Leo’s acting skill was reaching perfection. Did Raph want Mikey to steal the spotlight to humiliate Leo? Or was it for another reason, he wondered, narrowing his eyes, zeroing on the bouncy blond guy.

“Leo try to help me the best he can because he is my best friend!” Mikey said and Don gasped surprised. A part of him was relieved that there was nothing more than that between them, but another part was jealous. Leo wasn’t a friendly person; he was only cold politeness as Don himself. How that random guy managed to break through Leo’s walls when he never managed it despite all his burning love?

“DragonFly has already started,” Raph continued. “Preproduction is over. We started filming three days ago. I know how great you are at multitasking. You can teach Mikey and supervise the movie with the director, while also working on your next project. We could make the announcement next week and call for casting two weeks from now. What do you think?” 

He could tell Leo was attentive and Don mused over the reply to make. How weird that Raph sounded honest. It was raising more red flags in Don’s suspicious mind.

Of course, it would be an excellent way to have his vengeance over Leo than making Mikey the star of the movie, but then, it would please Raph. But was he angrier at Raph? It was obvious Raphael forced Leo into that, his heart told him. Their last night, Leo wasn’t forced into talking about his youth, neither to give him sex. In fact, Leo could have not come back at all. Maybe Raph blackmailed him or bribed him or convinced Leo that Don was mentally-ill and for his sake, must abandon him?

Here he was again: wanting to find him excuses because, despite all his wills and logical mind, he couldn’t hate Leo more than a few hours in a row. 

He waited for an answer in the black eyes, an encouragement, and found only nothingness. 

Leo turned away with half a sneer as he was reading Don like an open book. He probably was, because since day one Leo could play him like a violin. The wound at his pride stung, but it wasn’t what influenced his answer.

Raph was looking fondly at Mikey and a hypothesis emerged in Don’s mind. What if Mikey was for Raph what Leo was for him, except that Raphael has no talent at all to make Mikey climb to the top? Stealing Mikey’s from Raph as Raph did with Leo could be possible. The young man wasn’t at all Donnie’s kind of man; too blond, too lively. But Don didn’t think of “stealing” in that perspective. He doubted he could get hard for Mikey, but that was something neither Leo and Raph could know. And if Mikey was the star, Leo would be punished. That was probably Raph’s intention, but Donnie doubted that it would be possible. First, he wouldn’t do that, because it would spoil the movie and also, even with hours of training, Leo would still be superior; obviously, the black-haired man was used to pretending to be someone else.  
  
He could still give Mikey some tips. It would be enough to convince Leo and Raph that Don was over the mixed-Japanese actor. Leo would be definitively pissed.

Don knew his cousin enough to guess Raph had probably other motivations as well. For Raph to go that far that came at his house with Leo was a testimony that Donnie’s answer was damn important to him. Maybe Raph only wanted to make sure Don would not give the screenplay to another studio, knowing Donnie’s writing skills?

Whatever reason Raph could have, Don had enough faith in his intelligence to be sure to foil Raph’s schemes. He wasn’t sure of what he wanted to achieve but was positive if he didn’t accept it, he would never see Leo again and even if he was a fool to feel that way, he couldn’t stand it.   
He needed to see Leo snap, break, cry. Leo’s brief anger to the other man’s presence had lit up in Don the fierce desire to get more reaction from him. 

He needed to see that beautiful statue be moved and stirred, whatever it was in pleasure or despair. He knew Leo knew his intentions and Leo wasn’t afraid of them. Don had a brief thought of the doctor trying to convince him Leo was scared. He wasn’t; his presence there, his face smooth and slightly bored was a challenge. 

Did Raph saw him, flushed, his face twisted by pleasure and his eyes gleaming? He cast a blank look on his cousin. He doubted so. Leo could have slept with Raph, for his career or whatever, but the young man was too prideful and hating Raph guts too much to have faked at that point. 

Was he really forgiving Leo already when the young man didn’t even apologize?

Leo huffed near the window, slightly opening his mouth, round and fleshy like a wild plum. 

If he was successful, maybe Leo would be willing to go back to his side. Was it not the reason for his trip to Hollywood. 

Don was ready to be Leo’s fool over and over, being cheated, played, lied, used, abused, if that meant he could be the master of that body a few times a week. 

How Leo could not even talk, not even move and control him like a puppet was a mystery and Don’s accepted doom. 

Don’s autodestructive streak earned to be consumed by that hopeless quest. He felt as if he was Icarus, longing to touch the Sun, despite any advice, knowing very well he could die from it. Don could burn to the cold bite of Leo’s beams. He didn’t care. Somewhat, his suicide attempt has been a rehearsal. Don had needed his muse presence for his last exit. Without his public, it wasn’t the same. He had promised his mother to return to his wife if he failed after two years, but Don knew very well, his passion would have devoured him alive long before that term. 

Leo would be his or Don would shoot himself in the head. Maybe, maybe, kill Leo too, before for Raph to not touch him anymore, he briefly thought, nervously digging his nails in the fabric of his bathrobe. Maybe one day, when loving a man would not be a sin anymore, they would make a movie from such a sad love story. What was he thinking? He would never do that!

“Let me read that contract,” he agreed slowly, but his eyes barely left Leo’s form. 

The actor was the first to break eye contact and returned in his contemplation of the window.


End file.
